Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Turns out, investment bankers make excellent Mexican drug mules

Tijuana, Mexico—As layoff numbers rise on Wall Street, employment specialists have begun speculating about the industries in which junior bankers will eventually find jobs.

“It’s an interesting scenario, you see,” offered Dr. Raymond Stevens, a researcher at the University of Michigan. “They’re a highly intelligent group, yet their skills are extremely specialized and largely worthless outside of that immediate sphere.”

Up until now, Dr. Stevens and his contemporaries have been baffled. “J.Crew cashier, Data entry specialist, Kinkos staff,” they speculated, but these guesses, despite sounding so right, have proven largely incorrect.

Yesterday, however, a series of police arrests on the Mexican border found 85 ex-investment bankers guilty of drug trafficking. Police officer Garcia Mendez said that the underground ring has been operating for several months now, and that someone finally found it odd that so many “gringos in pink shirts” were walking across the border.

It might not seem like a natural transition, but Dr. Stevens and his team have studied the investment banker subset in great depth and when they learned of the report, they couldn’t believe the notion had slipped by them. “We should have realized,” Stevens explained, shaking his head. “They are exceptionally good at taking it up the ass.”

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