Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Fwd: A Suitable Girl

Natasha Mitra (lame!)

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mitra,

My name is Gopal Mehta, and I’m a 2nd year banking analyst at the most prestigious firm on Wall Street. This morning, I received an email from my mother that read; “Beta, how do you like this lovely Indian girl?” and she pasted me a link to the New York Magazine article featuring your daughter, the private equity associate at Carlyle, Natasha.

As soon as I opened the link and saw your daughter there looking all glam and urban and hip, I knew we were destined for one another. I read her interview, and visions of us skipping about on icy mountaintops in tank tops and me riding in on a horse to wed Natasha have literally taken over my mind. The wedding I’m imagining will be make the Mittals’ look like a glorified civil union (I was Princeton, too. Imagine how much orange we could use!).

I’ve found myself spelling out NATASHA in my Excel worksheets with red formatted cells all day long (F4 facilitates doing this, fyi). The sweet sounds of bhangra are playing in my head even as I write this email.

Look at your daughter. Just look at her. She’s amazing.

Well, I mean, I can’t exactly see her from behind that huge ass duffel bag and those snowboarding goggles, but from what I can distinguish of her face, it looks like the $15k you invested in electrolysis has served its purpose (and with limited scarring — nice work!). On a side note, are you sure that bag’s Vuitton? I’m no expert, but it kinda looks like a sack of rice hung itself with a thick noose. Whatever, at this point my only other option here is Kavita, the IT chick that brings her lunch to work in a brown paper bag (how tragic is that, btw?).

Anyhow, back to the point. I know Natasha is “wild and crazy and different,” as she puts it, and that’s why I know we’d be good for each other—because we both pride ourselves on our individuality. I mean, heck, we’re both in Finance, right?

I also find it comforting Natasha has people who pick bags for her and decide what she will like; I, too, prefer to have my tastes being dictated to me. At the same time, though, Natasha buys from off-the-radar designers like Versace, Gucci, Dior, and D&G—and that’s exactly the kind of personal flair I’m looking for in a girl. Does she by any chance have a Vera Bradly small duffel?! Damn, those are hot.

Cause I’m an upfront guy, Mr. and Mrs. Mitra, I’ll put it out there so it’s not an issue in the future—I’m a year younger than Natasha. I urge you, though, not to weigh that too heavily. What I lack in age, I will make up for in prestige. I’ve already (basically) got a position secured at a top PE firm (I would have gone with Carlyle if I had realized that had such foxes), and I’m getting 800’s on all my practice GMATs. I’m not in at HBS just yet, but hey, at least I’m not Muslim, right?

Here’s the most important thing, though—I’ll take care of your daughter and treat her right. Natasha’s is all about “consuming.” As she says, “consuming is her specialty.” That’s classy. And as it turns out, I’m all about “providing.” Once she quits her job, I’ll provide her with a home, a stipend, and all the clothes and valium she’ll ever need. One thing: it might be a few months before I can take down $3,500 bags on a weekly basis. We do get to keep using your AMEX in the interim, right?

Your astrologer or ours?


p.s. I hope she’s talking about consuming goods and not consuming meat (not ok with Mommy, or Krishna for that matter).
p.p.s. Please disregard entire email if you are South Indian and/or Christian.


Dear Bear, Sterns, & Co:

Perhaps a bit crude to post about your ex-Bankers in succession, but, as you understand, this could not be avoided. More importantly, it’s curious exactly what kind of environment at Bear (perhaps just the name) exists that facilitates your Bankers having such big chips on their shoulders that they need to show the world how blinged-out they are by talking to the media.

But either way, great with work both Natasha and Andrew. And please, keep doing what you’re doing.

243 comments for this post.

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  1. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I think he meant to say Junglie – wild, untamed, and lacking manners. My god Dave, your 60 year old racist fuck of an MD has his dick so far up your ass and coming out of your mouth that now you even think and speak like him. Grow up you fuck and start thinking for your ownself, and then maybe you?ll end up in buyside. Till then?keep dreaming of Palo Alto, while you work in your shithole cubicle and counting your chump change.

  2. +6 votes + -
    Bond Girl Said:

    Ridiculously funny, not so much Gopal, but the interview! Seems that girls will remain stupid regardless of their job & position. -Trader chick

  3. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘60% of the time, it works all the time.” That doesnt make any sense. Anchorman

  4. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Perhaps a bit crude to post about your ex-Bankers in succession” Did Andrew really get fired from Bear for that article??

  5. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    LSO?s next spoof? Who is right here?

  6. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I think the associate has a point but I also think the analyst is just use to complaining

  7. +2 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    meandjoemoomoo is a scrawny punk bitch, with a feeling of self import matched only by his 45? waste, you braggardly, portly little fuck. When is the last time you were at the street level outdoor bar at Gansevoort? It?s about as good as things get, idiot. Hedgie is a pussy who has moved on and wants no more. His game was weak anyway, even meandjoemoomoo was able to beat him in an argument. I love it that another Carlyle tool is a proven pussy (see Borat posting on 6/8 at 9:07am), and he appears to be of French descent, which is even better, and makes him a double pussy, with extra cream. Meanwhile, how many of you are wondering if Bond Girl is actually hot? Never know many fucked up banking analysts are on this site with homo-erotic tendencies hoping to get the rest of us to flatter them or otherwise make them feel sexy. and while coolguy makes good points about small/no penis-ed individuals bragging about their $50k watches, why do you go and reference a little excerpt from Freakonomics? It?s not that the content of the book is bad, it?s just overly high level. If you had gone to Chicago for b-school you would have read the first 3 pages and gone ”so what, i already know all of this shit”. Finally, to the anti-Chicago punk-bitches on the site, likely you noticed one of our more esteemed alumni, Pete Peterson, about to clear $2 billion on the Blackstone IPO. Eat a dick. The only smarter guy was Schwarzman, who was smart enough that he didn?t need to go to b-school. Man G-dub and he must have had some great debates. Straight Talker has spoken.

  8. +3 votes + -
    chadwackerman Said:

    you are such a putz

  9. +4 votes + -
    meandjoemoomoo Said:

    about as good as things get if you are a chimp. if you actually make it to the point where you are invited to be and can afford to be a member of the multitude of private spots around our fair city, give me a shout and i?ll help you figure out how to behave around people who aren?t into standing in lines, getting played by busted washed up models (read as ”coke whores”), and actually have game. btw, why is it that peckerwoods like you must incessantly make small/big penis comments? are you lacking something else besides self confidence?

  10. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    straight talker I thought Steve Schwarzman went to Yale undergrad and HBS for his MBA?but I agree chicago is a great grad school.

  11. 0 votes + -
    Chitown Baby Said:

    repping the $600 Gucci loafers around the trading desk today. Too strong for all you banking/analyst types. Stick to your Cole Haans and let the big boys make the money. Now go back to staring at Excel

  12. +7 votes + -
    dogg pound gangsta Said:

    meandjoemoo, when you and joe stop sucking each other off, are tired of hitting up your bath houses on webster street, and want to hit up a real playa?s ball, holla at me?

  13. +5 votes + -
    chadwackerman Said:

    btw, it seems Schwarzman went to HBS.

  14. +9 votes + -
    Harry Getzoff Said:

    I don?t know about her. Her nose is a completely different color than her face and of a ridiculous size. Is the designer of her glasses now attaching groucho marx style plastic noses to their offerings?

  15. -10 votes + -
    meandjoemoomoo Said:

    dogg pound gangsta? seems more like ”ass pound gangsta” for all the homeboys you let do the rough stuff in your backside. how else would you know about ”bath houses on webster street”? you are certainly one of those dumb ass white kids from Conneticut who thinks bc they bought a Snoop album they are gangster. get over it, cracker, you ostensibly work in some shitty bank and spend your 15mins of free time wacking off thinking about large black men havign their way with you in the Kazakhstani way. now go back to your hole and get that f***ing model done before your VP rips you a new one.

  16. +12 votes + -
    dogg pound gangsta Said:

    you would know how much of an ass pounding i gave you?every time i ram you from behind you scream ”mooooo”? keep showing off your racist and stereotypical attitude, retard? i?ll give you 1000 more trys and you still won?t guess what i do or what race i am (martian perhaps?)?unlike you, i don?t come on here to flaunt the size of my cock? i expose pathetic douchebags like you for what you are ? _________

  17. +7 votes + -
    dogg pound gangsta Said:

    please fill in the blank above mooo mooo? i?ll give you the satisfcation?

  18. +9 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    yeah, meandjoemumu, private clubs are the way to go, what are you 47 w/ graying temples? f*cking tool, we aren?t all happy sitting around w/ a small little private circle jerk crowd, some nice new fish in the lake is preferable, otherwise some of us, like me, would end up nailing enough of the few gals around that I?d have to quit the club anyway. You wouldn?t know anything about that due to your portly physique and lack of game at the club. You?re just the guy who buys the women drinks and lights their cigarette for them.

  19. +5 votes + -
    unimpressed female Said:

    oh dogg pound, i commend thee. that last comment about that kid and joe actually made me laugh out loud.

  20. -2 votes + -
    meandjoemoomoo Said:

    i ask again: i made no mention of cock size so what is it about you ”guys” that makes you immediately grasp for loose threads? are you inadequate in more ways than just your cultural and racial sensibilities? pathetic. you people are boring. hedgie was boring and you, ass pound gangsta, are boring, unoriginal and making this post suck. this post has become way too boring with dim wit shit heals running the show. entice me and perhaps i will return.

  21. -1 votes + -
    dogg pound gangsta Said:

    unimpressed, forget about marquee, cain, tenjune, whateva? finish your tricks for da night? keep da share dat belongs to me? let?s find a nice park in brooklyn, say around midnight, drink some forties, and let me thug you out all night? i?ll be your baby daddy?.you be my baby mommy? and we can name our baby deee or billy deee? how does dat sound to thee??. a thug is what you need?gyea!

  22. +2 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    What?s f*cking cow is meandjoe moo ! moo ! Go back to your Kansas farm !

  23. +6 votes + -
    dogg pound gangsta Said:

    you will be missed dearly moo mooo?

  24. -1 votes + -
    monkey Said:


  25. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This sh*t is great!..and Dogg Pound Gangsta is classic, hilarious posts!..where did some nitwit white boy from Hobart College learn to write like that anyway???.must be a Generation Y?r?

  26. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    natasha?never go to southern brazil or eastern europe?the only job you?ll have there is sniffing luggage at the airport. and with a shnoz like that, you could identify half a joint in a fckn haystack! and to any guys that have dated something similar to this beast?guys! buy a plane ticket?see the world please?

  27. -1 votes + -
    Scottsman Said:

    Natasha, you are one ugly bitch!! Wonder if you?ve ever been laid? Probably by some clueless bloke with his eyes blindfolded.

  28. +3 votes + -
    Bond Girl Said:

    Straight talker: I admired your previous posts. :sigh: Why?d you have to bash on my name? I happen to work in FI trading, jeez. Besides, if you know your people at the bigger houses, you might even know me, considering?how many females are actual traders? Yea, exactly. So then, you?d be able to decide for yourself.

  29. -3 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    Sorry Bond Girl, it wasn?t a bashing, I was just speculating the possibility that you could be a guy posing as a girl and possibly luring one of us into publicly (the Straight Talker has an image to uphold on this site) being into your rap. Send me something to prove yer credentials (MySpace/Facebook page, email address, random website where a pic of you is located, etc.). ST was intrigued enough to have mentioned you, so you should taken it as flattery that he was concerned you could be a gay dude. Second, before you are too quick to admire my previous posts, read some of my harsher, more recent ones on the Sheer Suckers story, as I?ve had to hand out some beatdowns on a few fools, and make sure you are still cool w/ my sty?l.

  30. +8 votes + -
    desigirl Said:

    Can anyone please tell me where all the nice, established eligible Indian men of nyc hang out? I?m nothing like Natasha. I just want to meet a good desi man born and raised in the States. I think I?m asking for too much!

  31. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Yeah, I got a guy, his name?s anshul.

  32. +1 votes + -
    anon9 Said:


  33. -2 votes + -
    Cliff Mason Said:

    Did no one else catch the barely hidden jab at Kaavya Viswanathan, Harvard?s least prestigous plagiarist? That was my favorite touch.

  34. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

  35. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Translation English Please tell me where I can find an Indian man, who is worth at least $MM, drives a exotic car and has 4 garages. Preferably in New York, where I could live with him and save from paying the astronomical rent. I also do not want some fobbish Indian guy, so he has to be ”raised” in the states. Gold Digger Lingo Can anyone please tell me where all the nice, established eligible Indian men of nyc hang out? Im nothing like Natasha. I just want to meet a good desi man born and raised in the States. I think Im asking for too much!

  36. +4 votes + -
    rockstar trader Said:

    trader; GS; Desi; 29; born & raised in the States; tall; handsome; ivy league; I could live a nice life on the interest alone I am pulling in I love spending my money on beautiful women with marriage potential. Where can I meet normal desi women who want to be wined&dined?

  37. +2 votes + -
    girlykick Said:

    have you tried I hear there is great desi marriage potential there. ;D

  38. +4 votes + -
    rockstar trader Said: I said NORMAL desi women.

  39. -1 votes + -
    Goldman Equity Oppty Said:

    based on your description, you?d be lucky to bag one of those shaadi women. seriously, who wants a GS trader these days, isn?t that the job where if you show up to the interview they hire you immediately? btw, u of illinois is not ivy league, bijel.

  40. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    *sigh* This post has died?where has our beloved hedgie gone?that fucker made me laugh?

  41. +3 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    running a meth lab > private equity > prostitution > sales & trading > shoplifting

  42. -3 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    Please tell me where I can find a PE chick out there who makes mid six figures and buys ridiculously hideous purses and/or sunglasses. Preferably with an apartment in SoHo or the UES, where we can live together so I don?t have to live in a crackhouse in Bed-Stuy. Doesn?t have to be a hottie, just better looking than Natasha. No Desis please.

  43. +3 votes + -
    The Luxocrat Said:

    HBS & Carlyle are all about the K-I-S-S-I-N-G, they have always played a little game called ”makie outtie” when it comes to breeding the next incestuous class of HBS/CG analysts, ugly or not (trying to be diverse by including the not part) the ”diversity quota” at HBS will continue to pump out these late night crotch pleasing imports that take the Hollywood DNA and try bringing it to The Street. I guess big bling, big glasses, big mouth, HUGE bag doesn?t always equate to big brains?that damn ”over compensating” thing has some truth to it?I?m off to sell my solid platinum Phantom LWB before someone thinks I have a small penis. ps. love the comment posted regarding Bear on May 25th of 2007 by toughasnails. Delusional much?

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