Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The Banker Method

Banker vs. Mystery.

I was by the bar the other night at Tenjune when I overhead two, back-officey, young Indian guys talking. Perhaps hoping to capitalize on their first time inside a hip club, they chatted strategically, devising about things called “2-sets” and “openers.” At first, I assumed they were talking about whatever dudes like that talk about: database theory, trading systems, and suicide. But then they came to a resolution and walked up to two girls and said something or another. They got shot down, returned to the bar, and, seemingly unphased, decided they’d keep “plowing” together and that soon, they’d fully grasp the “Mystery Method.” The guys then did 4 shots each, began touching each other’s hair and faces while practicing “kino escalation,” and I came to understand that the “Mystery Method” must be something created to facilitate homosexuality. I grew overwhelmingly uncomfortable at the notion of these two dudes parsing through my work emails and promptly had them removed.

Since then, I’ve heard a lot more about The Mystery Method and its creator, a guy named Mystery, so I figured I would conduct a bit of diligence on the subject. Apparently, it’s a methodology for picking up women, and it’s meant to be quite successful. I probed slightly deeper and found a system dedicated to attracting, building comfort with, and seducing girls. The underlying concept is that women are attracted to those who can help them in their need to both Survive and Reproduce, and men can capitalize on this by learning to send out signals of social value, disinterest, and arrogance.

Interesting—essentially, this man Mystery has created a framework to try to make all men more Banker.

It’s no “mystery” that working in finance is the most successful way to pick up chicks–it’s intuitive. I speculate that Mystery originally worked in something like Global Industrials at UBS, where he met guys from other Banks and observed the success and power of The Banker Method. He then left, crippled the game by removing its Wall Street essence, and repackaged it for the average idiot as The Mystery Method. Mystery’s tactics are meant to help people front the very qualities Bankers exude naturally, but unlike normal derivatives, these devices actually lack the leverage of the originals.

Let’s inspect what was lost when going from The Banker Method to The Mystery Method more closely.


The Mystery Method endorses several different kinds of openers, ranging from functional, “What time is it?” to opinion, “Is kissing cheating?” and direct, “I think you’re cute.” The methods have increasing risk/reward profiles and each requires a different amount of transition to get to “normal conversation.”

In all his material, I was unable to find the only opener I’ve ever had to use: “Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.” The risk is zero, and transition to “normal conversation” is instantaneous, where the phrase “normal conversation” refers to “sex.” Direct, but highly functional. All of Mystery’s canned material doesn’t even come close to capturing the spirit of this single sentence.

Demonstrating Higher Value

Demonstrating social value, or “applying a multiple,” is a big part of The Mystery Method but built-in to The Banker Method. While others need to go to extraordinary lengths to inflate their social value and prove that they are desirable, this is inherently conveyed with the very word “Banker.” Mystery instructs his students to tell stories that involve acts of chivalry, lavish parties, and exotic dancers, but we, luckily, don’t have to do that—our reputation precedes us.


Driving the conversation, leaning in, and touching are all Indicators of Interest from a girl. According to Mystery, upon seeing these, a guy should kiss the girl or otherwise escalate the situation.

Girls tend to be slightly less coy and a bit more retarded about their IOI’s with Bankers. Just the other night, I was dancing with a girl when she pulled me close by my tie, nibbled my neck, and whispered: “Is your fund short, or long?”

The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her, but I played along anyway and told her we were value-based but long-term and invested in a wide range of industries. The financial whiz giggled, and we went home, where my fund promptly transformed into a growth fund, and ultimately, an event-driven one.

Neuro-Linguistic Processing (NLP)

Pick-Up Artists use subtleties in human perception and cognizance to manipulate girls. For example, while telling a story, they might bring up situations where a bed is casually involved, mispronounce words to evoke emotion, or use the phrase “naked truth,” to plant subtle seeds of sexual thought in their target’s brain.

NLP comes a bit more naturally to Bankers. For example, a girl once asked me if I knew her friend who worked sales at JP Morgan. Without thinking, I responded: “JP Morgan? I would never work there, that’s b.low me.”

Mystery has built numerous other concepts around Banker behavior, including The Neg, which is intended to briefly disqualify one as a suitor, and Peacocking, which consists of wearing ostentatious and conversation-inducing clothing and accessories. I’ve told girls that they’re too slutty to bring to a work function and worn a deal toy around my neck when going out, but I’ve never classified my actions within such a lame vocabulary. Then again, I’ve never had to.

Other Pick-Up Artists have disparaged The Banker Method, claiming that girls prefer a “mountain climber who plays the electric guitar” and those who “know how to treat them” over guys from Goldman Sachs. What Banker-envy! I treat a bitch like an IRR of 80%–grip it and flip it.

There may be some additional debate over whether The Banker Method is really applicable and better than The Mystery Method given the present market. Fuck that and fuck those quant dudes. Hot chicks don’t watch CNBC (unless it’s to get aroused), so they have no idea what the hell is going on. Guys that work in finance can and will always be able to turn on every type of girl out there except maybe Banker Chicks, who, besides being out of scope, don’t require much more than a tap on the shoulder to get into bed.

Leveraging his stolen pick-up tactics, Mystery has recently managed to land himself a reality show on VH1, where he takes a set of losers and tries to turn them into Master Pick-Up Artists, teaching them his method and eliminating the ones that fail along the way. I can’t help but imagine what this show would be like if the characters were all Bankers practicing The Banker Method. Instead of Pradeep, an Indian nerd on the show the guys at Tenjune must have been emulating, we’d have a young Dinakar Singh, and the openers would change from “Do you floss before or after you brush?” to “Can I break you off a slice of my Bonus?” The field tests would degenerate into full-out orgies, and Mystery and his other instructors would be rendered worthless, now taking lessons from the Bankers and trying not to get eliminated themselves.

I suppose a program like that would be interesting for a few minutes but, in the long run, might not do too well. Reality TV shows are successful when they take ordinary people and put them in extraordinary situations, not the other way around. The Banker Method bringing girls to their knees in a club might not make for the greatest reality TV because…it’s reality.

244 comments for this post.

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  1. +7 votes + -
    still in school Said:

    did that chick say she?s 5?11?? good luck finding a husband you ghoulish woman?

  2. -5 votes + -
    HY_Yield Said:

    Can someone tell me where trading comes into the picture? By my count for the past 3 years my bonus has been 2-4 times the size of bankers?man that suks doesn?t it? I hate making more money than bankers? I wish I was a banker wearing a suit all day with a stick shoved up the wazoo waiting for my MS to do me again, pretending I was important and contributing to my firm?s bottom line?would you guys like a slice of my bonus?

  3. +3 votes + -
    HF King Said:

    To the Author: Love the stories.. dont know how some people can?t differentiate satire and sarcasm from reality though. Many friends in IB.. but I myself am a Top 30 under 30 at a 10bn HF and like where my future is heading. Keep up the great work. And all you haters and people that love to argue? grow the F*ck up! HY_Yield?wow.. props to you? you tell em.

  4. +2 votes + -
    Wachovia Said:

    I am coming for you Goldman Bitches. you can?t beat jorts. Just wait, I will own you!

  5. +5 votes + -
    Wachovia Said:

    i dont care how much they pay,sales&trading = back office. i hear prostitutes make alot of money, too.

  6. -6 votes + -
    HY_Yield Said:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow? this coming from some schmuck at a 3rd tier bank? Wait so let me get this your name is wachovia but your from GS. Even funnier? I am sure your from GS. How is my old buddy? Mr. Daly. Bet he would love to hear about all the posers on this site who say they are from GS. BTW.. im an ex GS trader. Would never put the place down. Have a lot of respect for it,best bank on the street. But some of you bankers need to get over your egos. As for S&T = back office, why dont you check your financial statement and see who is really paying the bills. Certainly not banking and those wonderful deals in the pipeline. Its trading buddy. I do hear prostitutes make alot of money? bet thats true for bankers as well. Only difference is one take it from the front while the other takes it from the back. You choose. O and the traders would = pimps and well if ure smart u can fill in what bankers like you =. PS not all bankers are bad, just morons like you who give them a bad name.

  7. -8 votes + -
    KKR Master Said:

    4th tier bank, located in bumblefuk south, whats the last major deal u?ve been on? Get a life man and get a real job, if you want I need a new admin hear in NY at KKR. Interested? In addition, I?m also ex GS. C?mon man, wachovia will never beat GS, and I mean ever. You know you guys are scum and scavengers. There is no shame, be proud of who you are and be the worthless banker from NC that you are. Wear your colors proud.

  8. +1 votes + -
    Brian Denehy Said:

    Not such a good post but good still. If only Maddox posted more often

  9. +4 votes + -
    Wachovia Said:

    this site is too much fun, i love fucking with you guys and then watching you all blow-up. what does the HY in HY_Yield stand for? Stange name for an equities guy.

  10. +5 votes + -
    George Clooney Said:

    I will pay $1MM for anyone who can teach me the banker method. Please help me be more banker!

  11. -1 votes + -
    Hedgie Said:

    It?s very obvious that many of the so-called ”bankers” that post here don?t work in banking and are probably college kids pretending to be ”big swinging dicks”?? Harvard, Stanford undergraduate..=who gives flying fuck..

  12. 0 votes + -
    Hey Goldman Bitches Said:

    No one from Princeton or Yale will ever make it in the business world? You mean, not like Steve Schwartzman or Eddie Lampert or Robert Rubin? I don?t care how many Wharton kids are in the first-year Analyst class at Goldman – you are still a trade school (Seriously, it is sad that you publish your first-year salary info online. I considered you, but that was the deal-breaker). Not many Yalies/Princetonians go into the business because we generally have more creativity and are interested in other things, like running the non-finance world as well.

  13. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i feel alot of tucker max going on

  14. -3 votes + -
    karen Said:

    I can?t be bothered to respond here. i don?t consider myself prejudiced, and i?ve dated a lot of guys. but indian men by far have to be the ugliest i?ve seen. i?m sorry.

  15. -2 votes + -
    Nik Said:

    M&A blah blah, you faggot, Dont hate on Indians hitting on chicks, we probably get more ass than you did, probably not as much as your mum ever did though, cant compete with her trashiness fag

  16. +4 votes + -
    to karen Said:

    if the only indian men you?ve ever dated are ugly, then maybe the hot indian guys just aren?t going for YOU.

  17. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m curious – where do you pedigree experts rate McGill? Alongside state schools like OSU or the ”Ivies” like Cornell and Brown?

  18. +1 votes + -
    Dash RipRock Said:

    McGill? Is this the pizza place on Time Sq. next to the MS building?

  19. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am a hot and slutty guy. Where can I find some banker dudes?

  20. -2 votes + -
    anon Said:

    McGill is solid. Rated one spot under Columbia in last Times survey (i?m a graduate). Good bargain compared to US private schools. Recruiting from business school is spotty. The top kids go to BBs in new york and major canadian banks in Toronto. Kids with shitty marks go to insurance, corps. All major firms give a least a partial effort recruting there. We?ve got alumni at all major I banks and at least one at KKR.

  21. +6 votes + -
    For dogg pound gangsta Said:

    I have erectile dysfunctyion

  22. +1 votes + -
    Dash RipRock girl Said:

    McGill is rated one spot under Columbia in last Times survey for what? closest proximity to a big city? no way. dont bother going there.

  23. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I went to McGill and I landed a sick ass job workin in farm equipment leasing desk in Moose Jaw office of Suntrust?what! what! eh?

  24. -3 votes + -
    Shark in a suit Said:

    Hmmm?I bet you motherfuckers all work in your respective mailrooms. Tools. As if anyone has time for this online blog shit. Now get back to work printing UPS labels?

  25. 0 votes + -
    Word Said:

    McGill is the top school in Canada and they?ve sent some stars to new york etc. but I wouldn?t choose it over a top Ivy. Probably better than say, Cornell though.

  26. +1 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    Lets just sit back and reflect on how funny the line ”top school in Canada”.. it starts off wetting your appetite, but then the qualifier. Ouch! Go jagoff, ey?

  27. +1 votes + -
    Dash RipRock girl Said:

    to Shark in a suit: well well, who has time for an online blog again? wow, you seem to know what a mail room is and its day-to-day responsibilities very well. where did you say you work again?

  28. -2 votes + -
    Oldtimer Said:

    Back in ?80s I wondered where the seemingly bottomless full-of-themselves crowd worked, who I saw filling the clubs each night. It didn?t add up, because cover and drinks aren?t free (and weren?t then)?but since they were out til 4 a.m. EVERY night, then how could they be working (let alone where)? Now thanks to the Internet miracle, the same scene ? and the same question ? resurfaces right here and now. The answer is self-evident: No one who frequents the blogosphere works in banking at all.

  29. -2 votes + -
    M&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    Dear Karen, I?m sorry but i must assume that if you have even dated an indian man you yourself are ugly. Dear Mr. Nik Lalabanglopur, Please do not speak to me in that tone my friend?.(head bob)?seriously the only way you are getting more ass than me is if you are the guy i outsource all of my computer stuff to overpopulating india. If you are here in the United States of America, my looks trump.

  30. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    top school in canada = tallest midget at the county fair

  31. +5 votes + -
    Wachovia Blows Said:

    Let?s boycott wachovia. They do not belong anywhere near wallstreet or even on this post.

  32. -2 votes + -
    geekzoid Said:

    Is this all about getting laid by hot chicks? What a boring site.

  33. -4 votes + -
    Eq Fin Guru Said:

    Such nonsense on this page. For all we know, the guy who writes these stories is a douche bag who couldn?t lay the ugliest girl in his firm.

  34. 0 votes + -
    Princeton 08 Said:

    wharton is a real great school?.for people who couldn?t get into HYP similarly with every other bank, for those who couldn?t get a job at GS

  35. +2 votes + -
    Good Point Said:

    Princeton is a good school? for people who couldn?t get into Harvard. 08 is a good year to graduate?for new analysts who will get much smaller bonuses.

  36. 0 votes + -


  37. 0 votes + -
    The Luxocrat Said:

    People talking about black cards and such, I guess it?s handy since that?s all bitches hear in rap songs, but please this isn?t the 90?s get a real card. I don?t just ”leave home without it”, I wouldn?t trust it to finance a gumball in a jam.

  38. -3 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    except maybe Banker Chicks, who, besides being out of scope, dont require much more than a tap on the shoulder to get into bed. Hah! You banker guys are ugly, fat, full of shit and suck in bed? so get over it! The only reason girls slept with you was money, and now that that is gone, you have ZERO chance of getting laid with all your belly fat accumulated from seamlessweb. Oh, and I forgot to mention that more than 90% of you are dumb and complacent, and are doing banking just because you had no guts to do anything else (like start your own business), and you are going to be one of those mediocre MDs who just wants to get by without getting fired! And just the fact that you are all writing stupid shit on this website to make yourselves feel better shows that you totally suck balls in real life!

  39. 0 votes + -
    IndianSteel Said:

    What has this racist as*hole got against Indian?s!?? You ever heard of Laxmi Mittal? Mukesh Ambani? Would you say no to managing THEIR money? Twat!

  40. +1 votes + -
    The Loan Arranger Said:

    Excellent Wu-Tang reference? ”A Mountain Climber who plays an electric Guitar” Protect Ya Neck

  41. +2 votes + -
    gols Said:

    The evolution of the discussion is really amazing. First, the casual comments on the actual post that turns into full-fledged one up-man-ship about meaningless conquests. Then there are the sane ones who step in and tell you guys what sad fucks you are at which point all quips are forgotten until you have thoroughly smeared the detractor into oblivion. This would certainly make an excellent case study of social Darwinism. BTW, the actual post was excellent as usual

  42. +2 votes + -
    The Director Said:

    No matter how good your game is, being a banker often helps when picking up the ladies, but small town America is like kryptonite for bankers. I have some friends from college that live in these places and I swear when I visit, all the smooth banker panache ain?t worth jack. I?d be better off with boots, a flannel, five o?clock shadow, and a pickup truck.

  43. 0 votes + -
    kaizer-sose Said:

    ‘I treat a bitch like an IRR of 80%??”grip it and flip it.” Classic.

  44. 0 votes + -
    Jenny Said:

    Hi! Interesting article about Mystery Method. I just wanted to let you know that Mystery Method Corporation is changing its name to Love Systems. You can learn more about what were doing now at http://www.LoveSystems.com.

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