Sunday, August 14, 2005

Hicks Musings

I ache whenever I hear the phrase Private Equity. Lately, I’ve been sitting on the washing machine while I read my morning Journal so I can feel like I’m really a part of all the Maytag/Whirlpool/Ripplewood action. I can’t even order the 555 deal from Dominos anymore—the thought of the Bain Capital badasses that came in and cleaned house makes me so dizzy with yearning I have to sit down. I lay back on my deceivingly uncomfortable West Elm sofa and stare blankly at the ceiling. A childish smile creeps across my face, and I gargle the idea of Private Equity like soothing warm salt water. The solution seeps into my blood, calming me with its promises of wealth, power, and social standing. *Swallow* What bliss.

Before I became so fervent about Private Equity, I thoroughly considered all my other career options: hedge funds and VC. Hedge funds definitely offered potential for “the bling,” but as much as I would love to “arb” things, the lack of indubitable financial security and threat of independent decision making quickly scared me off. Venture Capital seemed quite trendy and even maybe fun, but the mere thought of working with fat, stinky, hippie techies that would come into my pristine office in “Free Kevin” t-shirts and cargo shorts (ugh) only to sully my Knoll desk with their dirty Tevas nearly made me barf all over my keyboard (I know the bubble has burst, but it’s still a scary thought). PE was the obvious choice.

I dream about PE firms like young boys dream about sports teams. KKR, Hicks Muse, Warburg Pincus…swoon (if they only had trading cards. [sidenote: there should be BSD trading cards for those like Milken and Merriwhether]). In my spare moments (aggregate ½ hour a week), I plan out every detail of what I will do when I’m working in PE with the care that a girl plans out the details her wedding. Which Jermyn Street tailor will I commission? Where will I summer? And most importantly, how exactly will I respond to people when they ask me what I do. “Oh me? I work at a little PE shop,” I’ll say. I’ll proudly enunciate the P and the E and then arrogantly draw out “shhhoop,” smacking my lips smugly with the release of final phoneme, “pph.” Their faces will light up with amazement and envy, and I will beam condescendingly. Life will be grand. Then, eventually, after several years of “rolling hard,” I’ll settle down. My mansion in Danbury will be tastelessly opulent, my wife sufficiently medicated, and my children far out of sight and mind at Andover or Exeter or Groton.

But it is yet a dream. Still one year left to go before the would-be transition, and I’m already beginning to wilt. The grind of the “stepping-stone” is really beginning to take its toll, and the fantasies of PE Valhalla are the only things that keep me afloat (except for packing a fat lipper at around 1:30AM). But it’ll happen. I’ll whore myself out to multiple headhunters, perfect my “Why Private Equity?” interview BS, and regurgitate every worthless finance formula they can think of. For now, though, “ALT+E-S-V” it is. Pasting values, bitch.

25 comments for this post.

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  1. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    haha gluck on that I think that?s more exciting than BSing about the greatness of counting inventories at Texas warehouses

  2. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Danbury? How declasse of you.

  3. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Seriously? Danbury? Great if you like Nascar. Please, stop by my New Canaan home whenever you feel like busting open a new release of Silver Oak.

  4. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    fucking hilarious.. this is my life

  5. +3 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    Ah, have you been to Danbury? I dont think its what youre picturing.

  6. -15 votes + -
    -RJD3 Said:

    Satire or not, if Goldman knew about this, they would most definitely fire you, for PR reasons if nothing else. You?re making them look bad. Of course that is assuming you actually work for them.

  7. -5 votes + -
    j Said:

    i would say greenwhich for sure. (pron. gren-itch) All of you who read that in your head incorrectly should go sit in the corner and think about what you?ve done.

  8. +13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You surely meant to say GREENWICH. Dump the extra H in there, please.

  9. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    j, obviously you?re more of a poser than anyone else on this site. btw, how is brooklyn/jersey these days?

  10. -7 votes + -
    j Said:

    Though I am not from Brooklyn or jersey (I am in fact from CT) I did make a mistake, but I was busy charting my yacht course for my two weeks in the Caribbean coming up

  11. +2 votes + -
    PE Said:

    PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting I?m applying to B-school next fall.

  12. -2 votes + -
    en ron Said:

    hey, anyone for a futures markets in farts?

  13. -7 votes + -
    dingleberry Said:

    this site is very 1999, isn?t it?

  14. +7 votes + -
    former PE master Said:

    dreams don?t matter when someone else figured it out for you. good luck people! i stopped liking PE after 6th grade.

  15. 0 votes + -
    dirtchutewarrior Said:

    to be a dirtchute warrior, he?s got stars in his eyes!!!

  16. +1 votes + -
    Blackstone Capital Partners I Said:

    PE Said: December 20th, 2006 at 10:20 am PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting Im applying to B-school next fall. You?re a fricken inept retail banker. I?m sure you?re eating your words now. Cheap money = buyout activity. You should also proof read your submissions.

  17. +6 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    were the above comments transcribed from a group email chain at the Wells Fargo equipment leasing desk in Fort Worth? I wasn?t sure?

  18. +5 votes + -
    HF Said:

    ‘PE Said: December 20th, 2006 at 10:20 am PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting Im applying to B-school next fall. Youre a fricken inept retail banker. Im sure youre eating your words now. Cheap money = buyout activity.” Still stand by your words now Blackstone? Fucking idiot.

  19. +1 votes + -
    Infomofo Said:

    I don?t know which Groton you?re referring to in this post, but neither is acceptable.

  20. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘For now, though, ALT+E-S-V??? it is.” Perfect.

  21. +2 votes + -
    Al Anon Said:

    ‘Mansion in Danbury?” I?m concerned being so far upstate will over-strain the Elantra during summer trips to Wildwood and Point Pleasant. Now bend over and receive Pete Peterson?s levitra-primed peen.

  22. +2 votes + -
    BigLawDawg Said:

    Danbury? I guess that?s the best you can do on KKR money. Too bad you couldnt get into a decent PE firm like Blackstone. I guess that what happens when you go to second-tier schools like Deerfield and Princeton, as opposed to actual schools like Exeter and Harvard. My place in New Canaan is always open to you.

  23. 0 votes + -
    Warm Buffet Said:

    dominos was sweet – with pizza there?s only upside.

  24. +1 votes + -
    KKR Said:

    whoa, whoa, hold up there BigLawDawg. you rightly called him out for his ?mansion in danbury? reverie. no self-respecting financier would ever be caught dead living in such a town. but you better back da f**k up with that flippant talk of ”KKR money”. it just shows you know jack about what they actually take home. senior associates at KKR easily pull down more than partners at your firm. and it would take like 5-10 of your partners to touch what an MD takes home. bitch, i straight bathe in the liquidity of capital raised in early 2007 at my firm. new canaan on biglaw money? i think not. unless you?re living in a condo. this site is for pimps only, dawg. go back to trolling the ?greedy associates? site w/ your pathetic drivel.

  25. -2 votes + -
    BigLawDawg Said:

    KKR? I?m glad you were able to have a whole year of success; however, when you inevitably go under under we here at Wachtell will be glad to help you navigate the nasty waters of bankruptcy. And once they take away that overpriced apartment on the Upper East side you no longer can afford, I?ll have a guest house waiting for you. Law never dies.

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