Monday, October 29, 2007
Banker Halloween Party
My experience with Halloween in New York has been hit or miss. Right after I moved here after school in 2004, I was dragged to a weird, hipsterish party at some warehouse in the Meatpacking District. To play to the audience, I dressed as a Florida Voting Booth. It wasn’t an elaborate costume; over my normal outfit I just hung a piece of cardboard with 3 buttons and the names: Nader, Kerry, and Bush next to them. The Nader and Kerry buttons were incredibly tiny, and the Bush one was huge. I may have inadvertently made some lame political statement, but I just wanted to watch dozens of hipster girls push a button to vote Republican. Predictably, they did; and I poked them right back.
The space for the party was huge, but uncomfortably industrial. There was a trippy burlesque show going on the whole time, and they only served Absolut Vodka. The music selection was weird, electronic, and not even the slightest bit 80’s. Overall, I was unimpressed. People’s costumes were, for the most part, not sexy or chic, they were legitimately freakish. What absurd kind of Halloween party was I at that skin and lace had been replaced by blood and gore?
Halfway through the night, I had a particularly odd run-in. I was chatting up a cute girl in a prep school uniform who, in the spirit of the party, had blood running down from her nose and all over her entire face. It was creepy, but what can I say? I got nostalgic.
Some guy friend of hers came over to try to talk to her. He was wearing was a very average looking suit with a clumsily folded pocket square, and he had a 3-ring binder in his hand.
I wasn’t being defensive, just a bit curious. “So what are you?” I asked him.
He took a moment to smile at himself, obviously eager to explain his witty costume. “You know,” he responded. “I’m one of those New York City Banker-types.” And he proudly showed me the binder on which he had scribbled “Pitch Book” in black marker.
I paused, overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of the situation. I looked him up and down again, only to find square-toe shoes and a knot I was certain he had triple-looped. I shook my head and exploded in laughter.
This guy was truly pleased with his outfit of social commentary, but I couldn’t help myself; I had to tear him apart. I pulled his girl close with one arm, raised my other palm to his face, and slapped him lightly twice on the cheek. I chuckled again. “Nice try, bro,” I offered, right before laughing all the way out of that party, into a cab, and half-way back to the prep school girl’s parents’ UES townhouse.
I had to leave once I realized where we were heading. Turns out she wasn’t even dressed up.
This year, I went to a party that was on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. My buddy from Blackstone was having a thing at his place in SoHo and had decided that all the guys would dress up as something Wall Street-related, and all the girls just had to be really hot. Genius.
The party was decadent and refined, in a pre-IPO kind of way. The space competed with the warehouse in size, but it was sophisticated. Cocktail waitresses circled the loft, serving top-shelf booze and hors d’œuvres. The music was 80’s, pop, and not the slightest bit trippy. His private, Astroturf roof was also opened up, and the weather was just temperate enough that scantily dressed girls were comfortable.
I walked over and greeted my friend Peter who was covered head to toe in garbage: empty cans, bottles, and other random crap.
I considered him for a second. “Retail Banker?” I asked, almost 100% certain.
“Junk bond,” he responded. “Close though.”
I had been traveling and running late, so I wasn’t able to grab my costume. Again, nothing elaborate, but I had bought a Milwaukee Brewers hat that I was going to put on and point to repeatedly if questioned.
We chatted for a bit, strategizing as to which of the girls attending was the cutest. I don’t think they were instructed to do so, but every single one was dressed as a flapper from the 1920’s.
Sipping a drink, I inspected the rest of the finance-related costumes. They ranged in creativity.
There were, as would be expected, several incarnations of various finance internet celebrities. Aleksey Vayner appeared in a couple forms: shirtless in briefs and also in tennis attire. A Zack Michaelson had fashioned an entire fortress out of cardboard and stood inside of it, carrying a sleeping bag and pillow. There was even an Asian Peter Chung who had draped himself in strands of “domes.”
I spotted a guy with a beer bottle taped to his crotch and gave him a look of understanding. Another dude had printed a mortgage onto his shirt and stamped DEFAULT in red ink on his forehead. Not bad.
I kept browsing, and in the corner of the room, I saw a guy dressed up as what definitely appeared to be a massive turd—a really big piece of shit. “Peter,” I asked. “What’s that guy?”
He shrugged his shoulders, chewing foie grass. “People have been guessing all night man, and no one’s gotten it,” he informed me.
I was determined to figure it out.
Walking up to the roof to get some fresh air, I spotted a few combo outfits. One guy had an “alpha” symbol on his back and was getting perpetually chased by a Jim Cramer look-alike. Another pair was bound together with cuffs and a chain. Half of the duo was undoubtedly the Chrysler building, and the thing latched to him was someone dressed up like a savage, 3-headed dog. Periodically, one of the Cerberus’ heads would reach up and bite the building, ripping it apart and spitting out the remains. It was an interesting piece, I thought: life imitating art. It made the ballerness of the buyout truly palpable.
I stopped walking, having had a random epiphany. “Pump and dump?!” I reflected excitedly about The Turd. That was definitely it.
I quickly hunted him down and presented my hypothesis. He said nothing and shook his little shit head “no.”
Fuck. I walked away and made it up to the roof, finally. I tried to clear my mind and decided the best way would be to talk to one of the hotter airhead flappers. I found one, we started chatting, and it was working—I was completely zoned-out.
After a while, my friend Gopal came by. He had somewhat small, fake plastic tits hanging out from under a blue blouse and had stuffed his black pants so that his thighs and ass were huge, giving him a bulbous, pear shape.
“I’m a Banker Chick!” he informed, stating the obvious. Both guys and girls couldn’t help but grope him, and I was certain that this was the most action both Gopal and any Banker Chick would ever see. He ran away, giddy and ticklish.
Things started to escalate with the flapper, only because I was too busy still decoding The Turd to shut her up.
“So what are you?” she asked after a while.
I snapped back and realized that without my cap to point to, I was stuck. I thought for a second and remembered that idiot from 3 years back.
“You know,” I said, almost jokingly. “I’m one of those New York City Banker-types.”
She paused to look me up and down. My Canali, Ferragamos, and well-knotted Hermes tie must have been slightly more convincing, because after a moment, she tapped me on the cheek gently and said, cheerfully: “Perfect. Cause that’s exactly what I was looking for.”
As we walked downstairs and out of the party together, I winked and bid a few people goodbye.
Right as we were getting to the door, I saw The Turd, and he was talking to an older Black man with an axe sticking out of his head.
Suddenly, it clicked.
“Wachovia!” I burst confidently from across the room, pointing at him with my index finger.
Both The Turd and Stan O’Neal turned and sent back congratulatory looks. They nodded their heads in unison, smiled, and gave me four, big shit-eating thumbs ups.
It was an interesting piece, I thought: art imitating life. It made the retardedness of that decision truly palpable.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Hey guys *money money yadda yadda bonus bonus or lack thereof* *derogatory reference to some chick you wish you banged* *misspellings galore* *city bashing* I just summarized 75% of the postings here
December 6th, 2007 at 12:08 am
Should probably be a ”?” after McGill lolabar. I guess we look down on you for a reason.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:01 am
NYC has the Hamptons. Chicago has? Milwaukee? Enough said.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:45 am
How does it feel to work banker hours w/o banker pay?
December 6th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Does anyone know of a good cookbook?
December 6th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Look at how the title of my powerpoint flashes AND slides in from the side of the screen! Did my cut and paste excerpts from Google searches legitimize whatever it is that you paid me to say? I like staying in Holiday Inn Express. Yay! B.A. Fine Arts Elon College, 2004
December 6th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
here i am, no pipeline, no deal flow. time for a new post at least?
December 6th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
i?m assuming chicago guy?s post was entirely sarcastic, but in case it wasn?t, here?s a reply. nyc a ”third tier toilet”? chicago with women who ”blow nyc chicks away”? while i?ve been to chicago and like the city a lot, you?ve got to be kidding. chicago consists entirely of only a few breeds of people: rich kids from the north shore, kids from wisconsin/minnesota/indiana and the rest of the big ten schools who are frightened of the thought of moving to either coast, and a bunch of well fed girls who are not too easy on the eyes but easy to get into bed (yes, that was both an insult and a compliment). i have friends who are die-hard chicago, born and raised and ultimately want to mvoe back, but even they aren?t dumb enough to think the girls there are better than girls in NYC. granted, they aren?t stuck up b!tches like we have in new york, but i?ll take hard to get and skinny over begging for it and hefty any day. as for the 3rd tier toilet comment, you?re clearly a moron. i think someone from philadelphia is pretending to be from chicago, because any native chicago-an would be embarassed to read what you?re writing.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Mgt. Consultant, you think you are so clever, huh? You forgot the incessant references to ”douche bag,” ”models and bottles,” ”my school is better than your school,” ”private equity > hedge funds > investment banking,” and ”I have no time, life, or happiness so I will delude myself into thinking that my money makes my life worth living even though I go home with suicidal thoughts every day.”
December 6th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Is this Chicago guy an old land developer, builder, or a condo owner who wants us all to think Chicago is a great city?move there?and try to raise his real estate price!!! Hmmmmm?..or is he the mayor??? Either way?get out and explore?there are are, dare I say, several better places in the world than Chicago. Wait, I forgot that you?re still trying to swim your way out of that real estate bullshit.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
i?m new to this website, but leave keepinitreal alone! he has the best comments, and oh so funny!
December 7th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Chicago woman are all built on the same midwestern girl chasis. Fat asses, big tits and cute faces. It get?s old quick. But they do look great when you?re drunk.
December 7th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
I have aleady impregnated every chick in LES, so don?t both going there tonight.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Are any of you wonderful funny bankers interested in helping a determined undergraduate finance student land an internship in banking?
December 8th, 2007 at 12:25 am
Eastern European Girl is a guy!
December 8th, 2007 at 10:41 am
anon gs guy, No. I was not being sarcastic about Chicago?s nightlife and women. For example, last night, I partied at a club called underground, and the girls there were simply unbelievable, better than anything NYC has to offer. You losers can?t even name more than 5 venues that are more exclusive and have hotter girls than Chicago?s best clubs/bars/lounges. Enjoy your third tier toilet.
December 9th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
DId everyone get laid off? WTF? Where?s the update???
December 10th, 2007 at 9:32 am
wannabebanker – i can prove it to you i am not a guy through various ways. lemme know.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
seriously chicago? can?t name 5? i?m no club expert, but i?m sure i can name 5 places on one BLOCK that has hotter girls than chicago. walk down west 27th street in between 10th and 11th ave?s between midnight and 4am on any random wed-sat night and try repeating that last comment with a straight face. the girls at pink elephant, home, guest house, et. al. combined probably weigh about the same as the 3 girls you can fit in your car. you won?t find any girls hounding the sidewalk vendors for a polish sausage like they do in wrigleyville. they purposely didn?t eat anything that day so that they can fit into their painted on jeans and drink an inappropriate amount of vodka, all the while joinging the rest of ny in making fun of guys like you who have to go home at 1am cause their city sucks and bars close at that time. i know this and i hate clubs – give me a fun bar anytime. i just hate idiots, and you sir, fit the bill.
December 10th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
anon gs guy, You now show your true colors. The fact that you cite west 27th between 10th and 11th, shows how low your tastes are. Those clubs attract trashy bridge and tunnel chicks. Just remember that Chicago gets the hottest big 10 girls while NYC gets girls from jersey and long island.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
New post?? Also: GS internship for this guy.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Eastern European Dude, you are hilarious!
December 10th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
The comments here are hysterical. My vote?s with the Chi-town, London crew. I was born in this smelly city that is NYC and people here are absolutely delusional. Everything costs so fucking much and is so fucking MEDIOCRE. The money HFers and PE gods and goddesses put down for apartments could get them freaking castles in Europes. NY is hyped beyond reason and everyone here is coked up and too drunk to realise how scammed they are. Plus all these NYC defenders are midwestern and Jersey hicks so proud to finally be ”in the city” that they?ll say anything to justify their shitty lives in New York. Real New Yorkers know the city is such a fucking pain but they want their bodegas and to not see pale white faces all day. Paris is awesome. Chicago is awesome (though pale faces) and London is awesome. Stop the delusions wanksters.
December 10th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Get your facts straight DB, most bars stay open until 4 am in Chicago
December 10th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Evidently, even the wit and sarcasm is superior in New York. The only decent thing to come out of Chicago besides Jordan is Citadel. Keep at it ”Chicago rules”. Pretty soon we?ll see you on a Friday night waiting in line outside Mercury Bar in your Grossman jersey.
December 11th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Ummm..where to start??? Lets see?Ken Griffin why are you screwing people that belong to the Licensing Executives Society? are there hot chicks there? I had to google LES to see if anything legitimate actually existed or if you are just an idiot who cant even spell an acronym for the London School of Economics correctly. Moving on, ”For example, last night, I partied at a club called underground, and the girls there were simply unbelievable, better than anything NYC has to offer.” has got to be the most pathetic quote I have ever heard. Only a socially inept, sexually frustrated douche would use such a phrase to build on an inanely idiotic argument.
December 11th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Mmmm, love to see a muffintop gagging on a Chicago hotdog, relish and crumbs dribbling down the sides of her mouth. No coked out hoors for me, boi. Them hips are made for birthin?
December 11th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Bars in Chicago close anywhere from 2 to 5am. Anon gs. So who is the idiot?
December 11th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Well said anon gs guy. Although I don?t think his rediculous argument even merited that much salt. The statement (paraphrasing) ”chicago has hotter girls and more exclusive clubs than new york” is so rediculously absurd that I don?t even know where to begin. I can?t believe he would seriously say that.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:48 am
dunno why you guys are fighting abt second spot??.the coolest hippest funkiest city in all of the world is Madison WI??.now 100 % mariah carey free
December 12th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
what do you guys think the summer analyst hiring prospects are this year for banking??
December 12th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Damn. This is like the 300th time I?ve come to this site hoping for a new entry and nothing new is up.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:49 am
No wonder Chicago rules thinks NYC clubs all suck, he can?t get in. Underground is a shithole. There are a few decent places in Chicago but nothing in comparison to NYC.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Still no update? What happened? Did you lose your sweet job at BofA?
December 13th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
I?ve lived in both cities. There?s no way you?re not giggling to yourself while you?re typing Chicago Rules. There?s no way you actually believe the garbage spewing out of your keyboard?
December 13th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
One blog a quarter, sweet.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Update the blog already Bhenchod??
December 14th, 2007 at 9:01 am
chicago – B&T yes, but let?s not forget we import all the wannabe models from all over America, Europe and wherever else hot chicks who want to be on magazine?s come from. and ”all the hot chicks from the big 10? isn?t saying much considering at a school of 30,000, your proportionate rate of hot girls to fatties is terrible. i think it?s pretty clear that you?ve lost this argument, so i?m retiring ahead. whoever said chicago bars are open to b/w 2am and 5am and that i?m the idiot, you?re right, i feel terrible. how can i make it up to you and your second city? and to whoever wrote ”The only decent thing to come out of Chicago besides Jordan is Citadel”? you are correct, but let?s not forget that jordan is originally from nyc. anyways, i?m going back to just reading and not getting into these long-winded diatribes. enjoy winter.
December 14th, 2007 at 9:25 am
the other chicago guy, I?m sorry that you?re bitter because you couldn?t get into the exclusive Chicago venues, such as underground, manor, krem, y-bar, rednofive, etc. The NYC nightlife and women are so overhyped that it?s not even funny. While I?m partying with hot Big 10 sorority chicks, NYC losers chill with pale jewish and italian girls from jersey and long island. Yuck!
December 14th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
More please.
December 15th, 2007 at 2:11 am
wannabebanker: i?m sure if you offer chicagoblows some manplay, he can hook you up with a badass former LaSalle banker at his middle market deal shop. maybe, just maybe, you could even land at UBS Chicago to raise the cumulative office IQ to 100. chicagoblows and so will you, wannabebanker. here?s a question: if his potatoes are on your chin, where?s the meat?
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I hate bankers. Thats all I have to say. They come to my company all the time, try to sell us garbage and think we are just going to bite because they know how to match their ties with their suits. Get it through your f?in heads, you are all losers who couldnt make it to the buyside. Hedgefunds are the new power and there is nothing any of you can do anything about. Keep coming to my office and seeling your crap and I?ll keep rejecting it till I find my $ trade. Traders are king and the bankers are the jesters. Hedgefunds are the new world order and bankers are their bitches.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:40 am
Off the rack suit – Not quite perfect. Someday big guy.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Bankers? Butt Boy, 90% of Hedge Funds just proved themselves a farce anyone with money to spend won?t touch again with a ten-foot bargepole. Let?s face it – we?re ALL doomed. Take what you have left, if anything, and do what big tobacco does – go sell toxic crud to the unsuspecting 3rd world. What, afraid of a conflict dollar or two?