Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Night In The Life

Dear BusinessWeek,

A friend recently sent over a link to your article “Jammin’ Like Crazy at Goldman,” a description and insider’s take on life as an investment banking analyst. Frankly, the article left much to be desired.

The young gunner you selected to write this article appears to have attended one “Indiana University.” I’m not entirely certain where or what exactly this is, but I do know that it is most definitely not a member of the Ivy League. It is remarkable, however, that in a sea of pedigree, you managed to find the one statistical outlier. I imagine that chip on his shoulder is rather cumbersome to lug around all the time, huh?

Anyway, allowing someone like that to be the voice of investment banking is like letting the football team’s kicker speak at the national press conference. It’s like putting a band’s bassist on the album cover (not Sting). It’s like letting the ESL kid give the valedictorian speech at graduation—it just doesn’t make sense, and it’s comes out sounding all wrong.

Out of respect to The Firm, I will make no further comment on the writer, I’m mostly just concerned with Banking culture being accurately portrayed. There is indeed a lot of analysis and number crunching, but I assure you this is not at all what Banking is all about. All the important aspects of the lifestyle have been entirely neglected. The article does not even mention the most significant part of life as a Banker, the true essence of Banking: the nightlife.

To help you correct this blunder, I have attached some of my own notes, which should offer you a more authentic perspective, from someone with a bit more subject matter expertise. Feel free to publish these in your next issue. To facilitate inclusion in your magazine, I have followed your “day in the life” format, but mine is (cleverly) a “night in the life.”

You do run a fine publication (no Economist, but a fine publication, nonetheless), so I hope you’ll address this issue in a speedy fashion.

The following is a usual Friday night:

8:30 p.m. – I have been working on a spreadsheet for 9 hours straight, and the carpal tunnels is setting in with a vengeance. I adjust my back pillow and curse Microsoft’s odd split keyboard contraption. The tingles are running up to my elbows.

9:30 p.m. – My friends and I have now sent upwards of 30 one line emails back and forth discussing what we are going to do tonight. There is no consensus, but one thing is agreed: it is going to be epic.

10:30 p.m. – The musky scent of Manhattan nightlife is seeping into the walls of our otherwise sterile office and entering my nose. It smells raw, unadulterated, and sexy.

10:31 p.m. – Face time is officially over. I take out my Cross pen, puncture a can of Red Bull, and shotgun it. Once I have siphoned all of the party-nectar, I put on my blazer and leave. There is always someone that has to work late and can’t go out, and I assure them that The Scene will miss them dearly.

10:40 p.m. – I am at my friend’s apartment, pre-gaming with Tuaca, Grey Goose, and other fine spirits. The clock strikes 10:45, and we are now “Rolling Hard” – banker lingo for partying.

11:30 p.m. – The five of us roll to Marquee, a throwback to last year when it was our “go-to spot.” I catch a glimpse of the welcoming orange lights from about 100 yards away, and I long to be bathed in their electric heat, if only for a moment.

The line is long, but the bouncer spots our ties (each of which costs more than his Kia) and ushers us to the front. We buy bottles.

12:30 a.m. – I dance with a hipstery looking girl. I try to impress her by telling her how American Apparel was just bought by a PE firm. The line does not work and renders her confused. She asks me what stocks she should buy. I tell her she should buy stock in me: I’m feeling bullish.

2:30 a.m. – Only 1/1000th of my bonus has been spent. I buy two more bottles.

3:00 a.m. – The club is not as cool as it used to be. We go to Scores. Lindsay Lohan is not there, unfortunately, but all of my favorite dancers are.

3:15 a.m. – We have gotten 20 lap dances and a private room, all courtesy of the little green AMEX guy. Who’s getting jammed now?

4:30 a.m. – I end up back at my apartment and pass out after two Kati Rolls. My Indian banker buddy insists on going there every single time we go out, and I back it.

8:30 a.m. – My blackberry goes off, and I have to go into work. I try to shower the stink of booze and stripper off me, but it is futile. I go into work smelling like Manhattan nightlife. I am raw, unadulterated, and sexy.

Hope this helps put things into perspective.


Related: Jammin’ Like Crazy At Goldman

140 comments for this post.

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  1. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Choke on a dick, kthx

  2. -13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    300k bonus? pretty weak if you ask me. heard a blackstone analyst got a 7 figure bonus this year.

  3. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    new posts please?i love this shit

  4. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Dorian?s? How old are you 22? Grow up?

  5. -1 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    The new place in NYC is OBVIOUSLY The Park. With an outdoor hot tub, ultra exclusive door policy and ideal location just north of the meatpacking district, we?re talking about the place to be. Talk about B&T beauties!!

  6. +1 votes + -
    Incorrigible artsy girl Said:

    ‘The Big Deezy” (did you really just write that?) is definitely NOT what I?m looking for. But thanks, 22 is a ”neat” time in life. xoxxx

  7. +1 votes + -
    pm Said:

    Interestingly enough, there is a Logan in the corp. directory that?s an associate in M&A? It might not be satyre after all

  8. -3 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    I thought artsy people were sarcastic and cynical, maybe it?s that you?re just stupid, or hormonal. I don?t know, I am not a doctor.

  9. 0 votes + -
    anon Said:

    incorrigible artsy girl is a dude. you heard it here first.

  10. +2 votes + -
    haha Said:

    Nancy, nice ripoff from NY Mag, why dont you come up with some original work (although it was hilarious)

  11. -1 votes + -
    Incorrigible artsy girl Said:

    Nope, not a guy. But thanks for the vote of confidence. Artsy people can?t be generalized quite so easily. What?s the NY Mag comment about?

  12. -1 votes + -
    PE_Playa Said:

    In private equity ”analysts” aren?t newbies out of undergrad. They?re post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where you?re just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures.

  13. -8 votes + -
    bbqchickenrobot Said:

    The funny thing is? you left out the whole paragraph about how you *actually* got laid? Oh wait, forgive me, it?s just like high-school when you were carrying your cool new graphing calculator to class thinking how hard you were and about that nights ”pre-gaming” and ”rolling hard.” A young teen female peer notices on the high tech computational tool and makes a comment. You, cunningly, retort. Alas, just like the night club incident – she DIDN?T get it because you?re actually NOT funny. Ever tried to deduce that one? By the way, ”rolling hard” isn?t an investment banker term. It?s a hip hop and pop culture phrase. Only YOU would feel the need to explain it because only you have just heard about it? and probably because once you caught on, your ?pre-gamin? investment bankin? peers required an explanation. Tip: The rest of the world from age 5 to 45 knows that slang. And, not to break your heart, most other slang terms as well. What you seemed to forget is that money doesn?t make you the man. The man makes the money. You don?t get honeys when all you have to offer is cash. Your money gets the honey. Here?s a new slang term for you, it?s called ”user friendly.” Which is what girls see you are when you announce your self worth. hahaha Don?t get ”ganked” for your ”scrilla” my ”ninja.”

  14. +3 votes + -
    Bored Said:

    Hey, when are you going to write something new? The last post is so 2006

  15. +5 votes + -
    Analyst Said:

    This guy?s posts are funny, not least because of his insecurities. In this post as in others, he?s contrived a way to look down on non-Ivy League graduates. He also looks down on retail bankers, people who live outside Manhattan, etc. He does it in an amusing way, but there?s a huge amount of baggage there. Why the insecurity – are his parents nouveau riche? Is he short (in any dimension)? Did someone steal his girlfriend? Please enlighten us

  16. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Love the psychoanalysis! I should start a website where I-bankers can talk about how great they are and how much money they make. What a bunch of sorry dimwits.

  17. -2 votes + -
    models and bottles Said:

    who?s rolling vip at the hottest clubs? not commercial bankers, those not from nyc and certainly not artsy back office trolls.

  18. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I find the these posts incredibly amusing. It?s a witty and biting indictment of the culture of finance which resonates strongly with me. What I find almost as amusing are all the comments from people who seem to take offense, and/or read the posts literally. You?re either brilliantly riffing off the author, or you?re unwittingly punctuating the their point. It?s called satire people, look it up!

  19. +1 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    Bbqchickenrobot you are such a fucking douchebag. Why have so many people not realized that this site is just one big joke? LSGod, please post something soon. The retarded comments are not amusing anymore.

  20. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you get your ass kicked a lot dont you? go big ten

  21. +1 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    I went to Indiana, but that post was fantastic. Some of the best satire on the web.

  22. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    oh cmon people?chill out. whether it?s a parody or not, these guys do exist. believe me, i?ve actually met men like this before. the city needs people like this guy. they keep scores (and fd) in business and give myself and my girlfriends a good laugh over brunch the next day. viva le douchebag!

  23. -1 votes + -
    Edwin Said:

    Wow, what a night. Ummm??where?s the part where you get laid?

  24. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Parody or not, I dont blame him. Its the lifestyle that warps you into this disease, and spits you out in due time. There is no satisfaction in this unsatisfaction and he knows it too. Pathetic, realistic and a tremendous loss of a human life.

  25. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘In private equity analysts??? arent newbies out of undergrad. Theyre post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where youre just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures.” That just means blackstone pe doesnt recruit undergrads at your school.

  26. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the amount of lame guys in finance that think they are ”ballers” is astoundingly pathetic. haha and the fact that you people get into fights on this message board is even more so. you people need to relax or, in most cases, get a life

  27. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    oh and i forgot, the only girls impressed by your ”wealth” are ugly fat untalented insecure chicks that cant make it on their own, or dumb hos?..good pool for a pick?.hahaha

  28. -3 votes + -
    Andy Said:

    You?re right, you really are a banker.

  29. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    makes me realize I?m in the wrong city. I have to drive an hour just to get to a strip club which closes at 2.

  30. 0 votes + -
    J Said:

    I?m embarassed to be a banker after reading this crap?

  31. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This guy is a major idiot who got into an Ivy only because of his connections, and hence, acquired a similar Glaucomic ideology as that of his family and peers who believe nothing outside of their world possibly different or worthwhile. A futile attempt to pick up a ”hipstery looking” girl wearing a blazer and expensive tie, only goes to strengthen my argument. What is even more pathetic, is that the only access to female genitalia required financing (pun intended). The only picture I can paint of this guy in future is that of the FOG (”f-ing old guy ~ 45-65) during your undergrad days who tried to pick up 18-23 year olds, by flexing his wallet at the bar only to get squeezed for his money and end up without any play. Yet, he never stopped trying. I guess you have to give him some credit for that. LOL!

  32. -1 votes + -
    can'twaittobeasummerassociate Said:

    This site is hilarious. Seems like NY is just like DC in terms of this focus on going after all the pussy in the club, bottle service etc. THe story could?ve ended better though. Sucks that the ”getting laid” part didn?t make it into the story.

  33. +3 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    yes, we like to go hairless there – we are also as good in finance as good in bed. Seriously, all these women at the training program dont know jack shit. its the eastern european girls that keep it going. that whole stereotype of russians being good only for getting laid are bulshit. we do a better DCF analysis than most of you

  34. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    PE_Playa Said: February 5th, 2007 at 7:48 am In private equity analysts??? arent newbies out of undergrad. Theyre post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where youre just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures. Yes, they do take Analysts straight out of the right undergrad insitutions. even blackstone does. i doubt they pay $1MM+ though.

  35. +4 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    Oh where can we go? Call me?.now

  36. +2 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    whats your number?

  37. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    eastern european chicks are hot

  38. +1 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    Need to come to mutual agreement first, thoughts?

  39. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Just letting you know, IU graduates have much better foundation when it comes to I Banking than any Ivey League student.

  40. -2 votes + -
    Hamptons Weekender Said:

    OK, I?m fashionably late to this party but? Its like putting a bands bassist on the album cover (not Sting). If you?re going with the obvious, c?mon, McCartney. Bonus, a lefty. A Cross pen? Montblanc my man, Montblanc.

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