Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Chartered Financial Banalyst

The HP12c -- God's Calculator

For about 2 months before my boy Mark took the CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst) Level 3 exam, he didn’t go out at all. He’d go to work, come home, hit up the gym, and then study. That was it. Done.

“Going out is fucking lame, anyway,” he’d bark from the couch when I rolled up to his place on a Friday with two Lauren Conrad lookalikes. Sitting there in sweaty mesh shorts and a T-shirt, he’d wave a #2 HB pencil in the air dismissively. “Staying in is the new going out.” Then Lauren #1 would strut over to his fridge, showing off her perfect physique in the process. She’d take an ice cube and press it seductively against her collarbone as she closed her eyes and sighed in relief from the dense heat of New York City summer. I could see the Monte Carlo simulation running in Mark’s brain; Crystal Ball says—“you will get laid.” Then, right after his eyes entered back into his skull, he would look back down begrudgingly at his practice exam and mutter to himself, unconvincingly: “Whatever. That bitch is a 6, anyway…”

He’d break down right as we were leaving, his face falling into his hands. We’d hear his sobs all the way from the street, and I’d feel the girls’ hands tighten around my arms as he started clawing away the window screen and shaking the wrought iron bars he had installed during the Level 2, specifically to save him in such situations.

You see, Mark really loved to go out. I mean loved. Obviously, we all like drinking and slaying chicks, but more so than anything, Mark just straight up loved “being out there.” “Gotta get up in the mix,” he’d coach himself if he hadn’t been out in more than two or three nights. He had to scratch that itch. The heat, it gave him clarity. He was the kind of guy who’d buy 4 bottles, not to drink them, but just for that one moment when everyone was surrounding him, cheering him on and taking pictures as he snarled and held all 4 bottles held up to his mouth in triumph. And the only time he was happier was when he was on his computer posting that ridiculous photo up on Facebook as his profile picture, his status set as “absolutely killing it.”

I don’t know very much about the “Chartered Financial Analyst” program. Generally, I’m the one chartering shit, so the concept doesn’t even really make sense. From what I gather, though, it’s a set of exams that you take to get certified to be a money manager out in Ohio and for some reason, Mark, as one of the few non-prop traders I know, also has to take it. They ask you trivial finance questions and tease your brain with provocative ethical scenarios like: “Should you steal your clients’ money? Answer yes or no.”

I do remember, a few months after graduating from college, hearing the news that a girl we knew, Jen, had somehow managed to fail the CFA Level 1 exam. There was such widespread disbelief in the community, on the same order of magnitude as when we heard someone we knew was “making a documentary.” Something like 40% of people pass the exam, and frankly, we just couldn’t wrap our heads around the concept of the 59th percentile. “I’m disgusted,” said a friend who had hooked up with Jen once, quickly making his way into the bathroom to shower and rinse his mouth out with Scope. Jen took the failure as a sign—an opportunity to “follow her dreams” and become an actress. She is now the subject of our other ex-friend’s documentary, the title: Banker Chick Gets Creative: A Riches to Rags Story.

To be fair, though, there is one redeeming aspect of the CFAs—one characteristic that is actually legit, the calculator. One of the two calculators permitted to be used on the CFAs is the HP 12C, and apart from the fact that its name sounds like some highly involved consulting framework, it is the epitome of Banker technology. The 12C embodies everything about us—elegant, bold, somehow clinging on to life in a world that no longer needs it. One look at its brushed plastic exterior and you think: “Damn, this thing is pro.”

Excel Mobile, it speaks a pure, unambiguous language: Reverse Polish, a postfix notation that eliminates non-commutative issues. So instead of having to enter 7 + (5 * 2) – 5, you’d enter: 7 5 2 * + 5 -. Direct and to the point, crisp even—exactly how Bankers think and speak. I met a model from Kraków once, and although we hit it off physically, her English struggled, blocking us from that real “same plane” level I like to reach. So as a gesture of cultural sensitivity, I decided I’d speak to her in something closer to her native tongue. Over Lil’s Wayne’s Lollipop, I pointed between us aggressively and instructed: “You, friends, 2, TIMES PLUS… panties MINUS“ Boom. “Same plane,” said her eyes.

But overall, it’s all very misguided, the concept of having to be sanctioned to practice finance by some governing body. To me, being a financier is god given, a birthright. There are no “Chartered Investment Bankers.” You cannot charter someone to be a prolific value adder. It is an art, not a trade. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been chartered to do whatever the hell kind of finance I want since I was 10, screaming at Production (Celia, my Hispanic maid) to not fuck up comb-binding my book reports. “You numbered the Table of Contents?!” I’d scream at her, winging the thing across the kitchen. And then I’d provide the brand of constructive feedback you might hear from a pissed off MD at Goldman:

“This kind of shit might fly at Banco Popular, but not in my house.”

$$$

It’s been almost three weeks now since Mark took the CFA exam, with three, perfectly actionable weekends in between. Most other guys partied their faces off after the exams, but for some reason, Mark still hasn’t really gone out. He just sits on the sofa in those unwashed mesh shorts, staring off into space. He’s a shell, a shadow of who he once was. It’s as if something inside of him has died.

“What the fuck, man?” I’ll ask with a practiced, artificial tone I like to call “emotion.”

Mark takes a moment to respond, but finally lets out: “It’s gone…”

After I ask what he means, he beats his fist against his chest and explains what has escaped him: “The fire.”

Somehow, I thought that fire might come back, that Mark might remember how great everyday life in finance is, but he hasn’t. Last weekend, I dragged him out to The Hamptons, and at Pink Ellie, he just stood in the corner alone, nursing his first bourbon. He seemed perplexed, tilting his head and looking at the world from a new, ethically conscious perspective. His 12C was still with him, cradled affectionately in his hands like a BlackBerry.

This got the attention of one genius girl, a Long Island native, who came up and asked, genuinely: “Omg, is that the new iPhone?!” Bouncing, she grabbed the boxy device from his hands. She looked at it awestruck for a moment, caressing its sharp edges. Then, hoping to zoom in, she started to pinch the ½ inch wide, very touch-insensitive screen.

Mark would have normally responded with something like “iPhone for me, girl? I’m the BlackBerry Thunder,” but instead, he just gazed at her longingly. No flame was left in him, no embers even. Timid and almost monotone, he proposed: “You, foreign film, pinot noir, PLUS, PLUS, subtitles, MINUS?”

I’d say the 4G iPhone crashing to the ground was symbolic, but those things are built so fucking strong you could run over them with an H3 and they wouldn’t shatter. Mark, however, took it as a sign.

I looked over and saw him leaving the club, a shadow cast over his glass of bourbon and the calculator with his business card taped to the back. Over at our table, another guy was doing Mark’s patented pose, but the snarl was too creepy, not genuinely elated enough, and there were only 3 bottles, not 4—it just really wasn’t the same.

In that moment, I had to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged—their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.

The 10 next to me was angling herself to most prominently display her lack of tan lines, and I let out, a little less practiced, and a little less artificial:

“I guess I just miss my friend.”


145 comments for this post.

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  1. +12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    gold, but depressing

  2. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Fuck the cfa

  3. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    fucking classic!

  4. +13 votes + -
    Barry Said:

    brilliant through and through. love it! banco popular ROFL

  5. +30 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the HP-12C is aight? but to be a true baller you gotta rock the HP-12C Platinum http://commerce.hpcalc.org/images/12cp25-front-medium.jpg

  6. +7 votes + -
    ky Said:

    absolutely killed it!

  7. -9 votes + -
    steve Said:

    CFA ?its a set of exams that you take to get certified to be a money manager out in Ohio? – So true. I had a friend that took them, and it killed him. Lets just say we arent friends anymore.

  8. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    annoying. i failed. still have a job though. not going to go waste another memorial day wknd again.

  9. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i failed it the first time – post 9/11 when i was unemployed with all the time in the world – that?s when i passed – what a fucking waste of time?

  10. +31 votes + -
    DJ LIBOR Said:

    =IF(AND(?Mark?=?In the club?, ?Mark?=?Clutching the HP 12C?),?Do not make eye contact?,0)

  11. +3 votes + -
    Ballin Said:

    Love the Shawshank drop. Keep up the good work.

  12. 0 votes + -
    Bitchtern Said:

    DJ LIBOR best posting name ever. Great work, definately I step up from some previous shit. ?What the fuck, man???? Ill ask with a practiced, artificial tone I like to call emotion.???? Awe inspiring.

  13. -26 votes + -
    VC Guy Said:

    CFA is some test someone made up to get you to learn how to be someone?s bitch.

  14. -26 votes + -
    anon Said:

    weak sauce

  15. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this shit is solid gold. fucking loved it. ?you cannot charter someone to be a prolific value adder? classic?

  16. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This kind of shit might fly at Banco Popular, but not in my house.??? Great post. Just started the studying for level 1 in Dec.

  17. -41 votes + -
    CDO Said:

    Awesome. I took Level II last month. I know what is your friend have gone through. CFA makes your life miserable. You loss so many friends because of the time you cannot give them as one is busy in studying all the time. Fire is gone?.

  18. +81 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    and so is your command of english?if you ever had it

  19. -15 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    HP 12C is the second most powerful tool you will ever hold in your hand?the gold standard. If you?re an MD, you should do the calcs in your head or yell at a monkey to do it; anyone else should have an HP.

  20. -8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I took Level 2 a month ago. I spent practically every Saturday and Sunday studying for 4 months and still probably failed. I had ZERO social life and turned into an uninteresting and miserable loser. Life is too short.

  21. -16 votes + -
    Bank or Die Said:

    Even after 100 hr weeks, bankers still rock it – CFA is for pussies

  22. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    oh man. good stuff as always.

  23. -41 votes + -
    Jim Simons Said:

    If you want to earn a billion dollars a year like me, then get a PhD in Math biaches.

  24. -16 votes + -
    Nasty Chulo Said:

    Banker + CFA kills it.

  25. +43 votes + -
    Hollywood Said:

    Chicks dig when you spank their ass with the 12C.

  26. -4 votes + -
    Mehdi Said:

    I wonder under what name Mark is known under over at Analystforum??? Great post.

  27. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    These posts recent posts are more depressing short stories than funny satire like they once were.

  28. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ?So instead of having to enter 7 + (5 * 2) – 5, youd enter: 7 5 2 * + 5 -. Direct and to the point, crisp evenexactly how Bankers think and speak. I met a model from Krakw once, and although we hit it off physically, her English struggled, blocking us from that real same plane??? level I like to reach. So as a gesture of cultural sensitivity, I decided Id speak to her in something closer to her native tongue. Over Lils Waynes Lollipop, I pointed between us aggressively and instructed: You, friends, 2, TIMES PLUS panties MINUS Boom. Same plane,??? said her eyes.? LOL!!! One of the best posts, ever!

  29. -47 votes + -
    VC Guy Said:

    Ever heard of a TI-BAII? Real sweet? like my dick inside some drunk jersey bitch. What the hell is polish notation? Its retarded? like your mom.

  30. -7 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    POS

  31. +16 votes + -
    Buy Side Said:

    What about the CFA after-party?the only Saturday night where you can hear two people arguing about the correct way to calculate free cash flow from EBITDA? Oh wait? I guess that?s every Saturday night for you bankers? Buy Side is ?absolutely killing it?

  32. +3 votes + -
    kcpete Said:

    And does quoting Stephen King typically get you laid?

  33. -120 votes + -
    tritone Said:

    Some good points made in the article, but completely flawed by the coarse, vulgar language used frequently, and the implied sexual license. It is just another demonstration of the low levels to which the public has sunk. True intelle ctual acumen and disciplined talent does not need to grovel in the slime of ?intellectual depravity.? I don?t think I shall read any future blogs. Liberal idiocy is not something I need.

  34. +100 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Tritone, You?re the biggest loser who has ever posted on this site. Congratulations!

  35. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Keep up the good work!

  36. +2 votes + -
    kiwibloke Said:

    OMG ? there IS an analystforum

  37. +13 votes + -
    Brian Denehy Said:

    I didn?t realise there was a space in intellectual Tritone. You f uckwit.

  38. -35 votes + -
    TBONE Said:

    Hey man, you?re a plaigirist. That bird line about being too bright, that?s right outta Stephen King and Morgan Freemasn?s mouth. Are you a fraud or what? Shame on you. Somebody call Stephen King, will ya?

  39. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keep the posts coming!

  40. +3 votes + -
    CFA 3 candidate Said:

    just took level 3 a month ago?.. still don?t have the fire back? killer

  41. -23 votes + -
    funny Said:

    good stuff, good stuff. Have to agree that failing level 1 after BA in Business gotta be very embarrassing. Other then that, CFA is not that hard at all. You want hard, try getting a Ph.D from MIT

  42. +3 votes + -
    yet another lady reading this.... Said:

    ummm?why so ?I?m such a pimp? all of a sudden? The tone has completely changed. And, FYI, it is the B&T folks that are so impressed you?re a banker. Amongst your HYP friends, you?re probably late to the party, and when you get there, pitied for all of the crap you have to put up with. Like when someone yells at you for numbering the TOC. Not so far from the truth of YOUR life, not your maid?s.

  43. +1 votes + -
    The Indian Guy Said:

    Looks like the economy is affecting even the untouchables such as yourself buddy. Great stuff, but just a gloomy way to start off the day after a long weekend. Bros before hoes I guess.

  44. +17 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Get your boy some blow and he?ll be back in the saddle in no time.

  45. +23 votes + -
    restructuring = king Said:

    hp is one brilliant smack dealer. my MD said the story behind the HP-12c is that when it just came out in the early 80?s, HP went to a bunch of investment banks and handed out tons of these things for free. thus the HP-12c was firmly injected into the bloodstream of the investment bank. we?ve been hooked on that $h!+ ever since. slinger HP was like, ?yeah that first calculator was free, but the next hundred thousand, those will cost you, bitch.? every analyst/associate at my bank (and probably most i-banks) gets one of those things the very first day of work, like ?welcome to the smack club.? and we?ll never quit using, ever.

  46. -14 votes + -
    useless_techie Said:

    weak?.needs more masala?allspice for you losers

  47. +44 votes + -
    already made it Said:

    HP 12C? WTF. I have a little indian third-grader who follows me around and I poke him on the head and tell him what I want and out comes the answer. Plus, compared to the 12C the indian kid is more mobile, makes a great conversation piece (people love testing him), and he also cooks and cleans. I might upgrade to a 5th grader next year (equivalent to a US MIT grad).

  48. -3 votes + -
    pechick Said:

    damnit. never should have upgraded to the HP 17BII+

  49. +2 votes + -
    NS9 Said:

    ?generally im the one chartering shit?? priceless!

  50. -4 votes + -
    PE Boy Said:

    Trust me boyz, the fire comes back, but you need to finish the whole damn thing? As for you guys comparing calculators? get a life. As for the best thing about the CFA? I improved my golf game immensely because I figured out how to pass and play 18 holes 40 times a year?

  51. +12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m reading this at work and thinking? what the fuck am I doing here!?!?!

  52. -6 votes + -
    M&A- The M is for my bankroll, the A is for arrogant Said:

    Dumpster Baby>AIDS>HIV>CFA>Indians>Being Samuel Israel?s Egret

  53. +2 votes + -
    ducati310 Said:

    Dude. It should be 7 enter 5 enter 2 TIMES 5 MINUS for the HP12C calc (=12), and ?You? enter ?friends? enter 2 TIMES ?Me? PLUS ?panties? MINUS to the Polish model (=?Same plane?). Excellent article.

  54. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The Banco Poular reference-amazing. I hear they teach good folding and silver polishing techniques tho.

  55. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Already made it ?HP 12C? WTF. I have a little indian third-grader who follows me around and I poke him on the head and tell him what I want and out comes the answer.? Pure gold. Laughing my ass of at work.

  56. -8 votes + -
    DPG - Dog Pound Gangsta Said:

    Yo M&A, what?s up haaas? I havn;t seen yo ass around here in a while. DPG been slaying hood rats like yall don?t know. Anyway? me hizzerd my BUM on the phone talkin wit HCM the otha day looks like bonus going to be a down a bit, but still enough to stuff dem hood rats with mo? $10 drinks than they can fit! Holla!

  57. -6 votes + -
    Gae-anal-yst Said:

    $6B bitches, no lube and I could suck-start a leaf blower, no hands

  58. -4 votes + -
    Classic Said:

    daamn, I failed Level 1 and work in a boutique. I?m such a classic!

  59. +14 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    - 2 points for not ripping on analyst forum

  60. -1 votes + -
    Hollywood Said:

    dpg, welcome back my nizzel?..

  61. -1 votes + -
    Manish Said:

    dude, not sure how you come up with this shit?awesome!!!!

  62. +42 votes + -
    Cova Dat Spread Said:

    yo broes- here is the secret to studying for the CFA and still hooking up with 10s. come home from work and crush books. goto the bar for like 20 minutes and bring home two 5?s. 5+5=10 sonnnnn

  63. -28 votes + -
    The Post with the Most Said:

    To Cova Dat Spread. Yo Bro (not broes, you retard). Here?s a little secret that you probably already know. You?re an ugly, dumb, underachieving financial adviser (it?s gross to even think you people read this site). Picking up ugly girls from the Bronx is all you?ll ever be able to achieve. But i guess to each their own. If not for you little addition excuse your routine would be: crush books? whack off? cry? sleep. How about you cova your dick with a tube sock and say goodnight.

  64. -7 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Why get a CFA when you can get an MBA

  65. +31 votes + -
    Leroy Cartwright Said:

    I?m studying really hard for my joint GED / CFA. I can?t wait to put that on my resume and move up from the mailroom.

  66. -29 votes + -
    Anon from Aus Said:

    I cant believe I wasted 5 mins of my time reading that crap – typical shit kicker finance brat dribble, thinks hes a big hitter but really all he does is cut and paste jobs in Powerpoint. Try and talk yourself up a bit more if it helps you sleep at night. Only STOOPIDS who have failed and want sympathy from other people who have failed would ever bother read and beleive this crap?cant believe people found anything even remotely amusing in this. BTW i passed CFA first time everytime – piece of piss – I only hope muppets like the person who wrote this never slip through the cracks and dilute its already pretty low value.

  67. +9 votes + -
    Biaaach no more Said:

    So funny to read the bitterness in some comments, just to think this was me not so long ago? green analysts and associates talking it up like they?re big swinging MDs, insteady of applying more vaseline to the anal cavity and trying to convince themselves that all the anal rape 100+ hours a week will one day be all worth it (which it will if you see the light and land a decent PE gig) and being too tired to even please themselves before going to sleep. Having coin only goes so far boys, what girls really want is time (a precious commodity you can?t offer them). And this comment about 10s? lol? anyone in banking knows that all the best bankers are geeks and hitting up 10s requires you to use terms outside you vocabulary and you can?t use ?I?m a banker? as your opener because you?d get blown out before you?ve finished saying it. For anyone who?s not in banking I really wish i could post up the PPT about the first 24 months as an IBD analyst, for anyone who is, keep ?doing models? and maybe one day you?ll come across a real one Why are you reading this anyway? should get back to cranking out those comps and rolling EV/LTM EBITDA charts for the last 10 years? I?m glad you suckers can do that one now (and somehow I feel the need to fire off one of those nasty request on a Friday evening, as obviously anyone who?s gotten to this post has got far too much time on their hands and needs to be occupied)!

  68. +12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Awesome post. BTW, all credibility is lost by comments like ?CFA is so easy.? Nobody who has actually taken the exams would EVER say that. Give me a break.

  69. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    NO smiley faces are allowed on this site Douchy McDouche! You probably flunked out of the Wachovia teller program in Montana. Just handed out lollypops and deposit slips until you quit and worked full-time for the Kucinich campaign?

  70. +26 votes + -
    Anon from Aus Said:

    I think a majority of people who read this post forget to realise (indicative of why they failed the CFA) there is nothing glamorous about being arse raped for 16+ hours a day, 6 days a week if your lucky doing boring as bat shit work. Their is a general misconception out there that IB is a sexy job – couldnt be further from the facts. Pay may be reasonable (but you should expect that when you are practically working two jobs. IB look to hire people with little in the way of friends and outside interests who can cop a lot of shit and not fire back as they are submissive in nature. They know they might get an extra 3 months before they burn out over a more normal candidate. Admittedly when you make it past analyst to ED and beyond times and can be good but by that stage you will be in your mid-to late thrities, have an average looking wife who is cheating on you anyway and nothing to show for the hard work in your 20?s. it aint worth it.

  71. -2 votes + -
    Anon from Aus Said:

    restructuring = king is case in point of my last to replies. If only you were here so i could bash you for being such a loser. Have a look at what you read, and your name i mean come on.

  72. -4 votes + -
    the bizness Said:

    BOOM !

  73. +6 votes + -
    Cova Dat Spread Said:

    To The Post with the Most: nice analysis of my grammar- probably the only analysis you conduct on a daily basis. maybe you?re more cut out to be a 5th grade English teacher in Plainfield, NJ. so bitter and angry with yourself. get a life u homo and dont take a blog so seriously.

  74. -4 votes + -
    Frank Booth Said:

    It?s the air quality in my lungs I?m concerned about. Everywhere I go there are apple seeds watching. They know about the pears.

  75. +11 votes + -
    Over/Under Said:

    Word on the street is The Post with the Most is a fund accountant in Boston. Just what I heard?

  76. 0 votes + -
    Dirk Diggler Said:

    hahahaha post with most is such a loser

  77. +3 votes + -
    masterdeviance Said:

    go kill yourself, postwiththemost. don?t worry, no one in the wachovia mailroom will miss you.

  78. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    RE: admittedly when you make it past analyst to ED and beyond times and can be good but by that stage you will be in your mid-to late thrities, have an average looking wife who is cheating on you anyway and nothing to show for the hard work in your 20s. it aint worth it. fine work. described my ex. castrated from life at 30. too old to grovel beyond middle office analyst. inevitable average looking wife.

  79. -12 votes + -
    The ghost of dan loeb Said:

    Well, what we have learned from our brief tour or your facility is that Princeton may be, as you say, the ultimate school for bankers, but it?s apparently not the school for writers. Then again, it matters not. This kind of thing isn?t exactly a magnet for readers either. Chartered, Financial, Banal. Yes, pretty much sums up most of the minds at play here.

  80. +10 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Princeton sucks.

  81. -1 votes + -
    Deiter Aufloss Said:

    I am the Operator with my pocket calculator!

  82. -7 votes + -
    pittsburgh baller Said:

    Holly Allah. I thought you had lost it sir, but this is the best post you?ve ever had.

  83. -2 votes + -
    Hot HR Girl Said:

    Damn, I want The Post With The Most. He has a huge cock.

  84. -6 votes + -
    Straight ouf of Compton Said:

    West Coast finance for life. New Money Millionaires (NMM) represent. You?re not a baller unless you deal with China, the U.A.E., Russia, and Saudi Arabia on a daily basis while living in San Francisco or Los Angeles. This is the last frontier. The Wild West. No West Coast financier would ever denigrate their region by testing for the CFA.

  85. -4 votes + -
    Re: Hot HR Girl Said:

    You are an ugly slut who has lived a trite and meaningless life and will die a horrible death.

  86. +2 votes + -
    creepy mail room guy Said:

    I am post with the most

  87. +3 votes + -
    Burly Mailroom Guy Said:

    I agree with Hot HR Girl. I miss that cock Post with the Most.

  88. +3 votes + -
    MD Secretary Said:

    Hot HR Girl, I am sorry – I already had it. It rocks!

  89. +7 votes + -
    The Loan Arranger Said:

    I got the mother of pearl HP-12C and a platinum smothered keyboard. My jeweler asked if I wanted the matching mouse but I dont touch rodents

  90. -12 votes + -
    Afro-American Express Said:

    Hey straight out of Compton! what?s up my nizzle? I am from Compton as well! Ya?ll got it wrong though, you ain?t a baller unless you deal with underarmor, KFC, dubbs and the wayans brothers on a day-by-day basis. When I tells my grandmama about dis, she gets wacked off the heezey! That?s what I?m talkin bout. And just remember – what they know, don?t show, don?t be a menace to south central while they drink they juice in da hood. Peace!!!

  91. -5 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Sweet. I just did L1 in Dec, L2 in June. I haven?t really partied in a year now (and still counting). Mark got taken to the ground and pounded. I miss the line bypass and VIP booth but it seems so mundane now. WTF did they do to my head?

  92. +1 votes + -
    Kimball Said:

    I guess I just miss my friend.??? (great subtle Shawshank reference)

  93. -1 votes + -
    Boner Fall Said:

    Man listening to some of you talk is rushing all the blood away from my boner..could someone start talking smth irrelevant, vain and totally unprovable.

  94. 0 votes + -
    PE- chick Said:

    Why the hell u need a CFA when u hv an MBA and u r rocking in PE! Loan Arranger, all the best for keeping ur little treasure safe?may be it is the only one ?cool? thing u have!

  95. +6 votes + -
    I like phat chicks Said:

    Are you the cute receptionist at TPG?

  96. -4 votes + -
    GS Said:

    Second years to $75k base!

  97. -11 votes + -
    BigLawBadAss Said:

    Hope you big-time investment bankers are enjoying your layoffs. We here in the Wide World of BigLaw are still enjoying our paychecks. Looks like your B.S. degrees are exactly that. Shoulda gone to grad school like your mommies said.

  98. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To the above- you are a fagget, why don?t you go write me a UA?

  99. +3 votes + -
    Exotic Derivative Said:

    To get the fire back..burn the CFA books..it helps

  100. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    has no one got anything to say about the genius of DIFGTBAB???? I picked that shit up yesterday and read it one seating (one the can. I than proceeded to kill a second bird with one stone)

  101. -7 votes + -
    Crunchberries Said:

    I use my blackberry?s calculator, how do I translate that function into the proper bberry calculator format? Or should I leverage myself and get the iPhone, it?s supposed to have a better calculator?

  102. 0 votes + -
    k. Said:

    Shawshank quote, caps it all. Sooo good it stings.

  103. -5 votes + -
    Numbering the TOC Said:

    SERIOUS QUESTION FROM A NON-BANKER: How do you avoid auto-numbering the table of contents in PowerPoint 2003 anyhow? I already know about ?Don?t show on title slide? and ?Start numbering from:#? Efforts to toy with the Title Master have been fruitless. Do your production assistants manually number the PBs? (gasp)

  104. +10 votes + -
    Manfred Ziegler Said:

    # the TOC: Upgrade PPT, idiot. The problem is that you have an inferiority complex as evidenced by your submissive reference to ?Master?. Now take that strapped apple out of your mouth and become the pitcher for once!

  105. -7 votes + -
    Wang Chung Said:

    Awesome! Some dude will really be fucking your bitch balls to walls if you are working 100 hours a week. Money doesn?t buy good cock from a guy like me. Go PE and make good money and be able to go balls to wall with this skanky hoes. Asian in the house bitches!!!

  106. +3 votes + -
    p Said:

    Illiterate Asian, by the looks of it.

  107. -1 votes + -
    TrueShala Said:

    Nice Shawshank reference at the end, and a good shot at Banco Popular, those worthless Puertoriquennos.

  108. -1 votes + -
    Gris Said:

    Top notch post. The Shawshank tie-in makes it brilliant and the Banco Popular crack near killed me. Thanks

  109. +1 votes + -
    haha Said:

    you socially awkward dorks working as i-banking chimps make me laugh. try working in S&T and make some real money (not to mention working some normal hours).

  110. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    agree w/ haha S&T > all

  111. +6 votes + -
    Make it rain Said:

    Shit son, Ameriprise in the house! We?re not required to get our CFAand still make 50k a year plus full dental!

  112. -3 votes + -
    Captain Said:

    So everyone please forgive my ignorance but in reference to ?haha? what the hell is S&T and how do I get in it?

  113. -2 votes + -
    Prop T Said:

    ?Make it Rain? I hope that that was a joke.

  114. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Ameriprise?haha what a joke! What shitty state school did you go to? $50k?haha, real baller.

  115. -1 votes + -
    son of W Said:

    you said it wang chung, you said it Wang Chung Said: August 14th, 2008 at 9:48 pm Awesome! Some dude will really be fucking your bitch balls to walls if you are working 100 hours a week. Money doesnt buy good cock from a guy like me. Go PE and make good money and be able to go balls to wall with this skanky hoes. Asian in the house bitches!!!

  116. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Truthfully, I owned a TI-BAII and never felt like a real man. Always used to hide that Texas POS it from my HP-12c toting peers. Every once and a while I will get this feeling like I am missing something and I will look around, check my pockets, search my office, rack my brain until it dawns on me what is missing – I never owned a 12C.

  117. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Screw undergrad? I am into the CFA for the party scene.

  118. +3 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    S&T = Sales and Trading. Same money as IBD, 5 days/week, market hours. Enough said.

  119. 0 votes + -
    Captain Said:

    Sales and Trading. It sounds better than pushing mutual funds to snow birds.

  120. 0 votes + -
    Hugh Jorgen Said:

    I love the CFA exam?.I hooked up with a tight little hottie out in the hamptons while her boyfriend was back in the city studying for the level I. Sorry pal, it just had to be done. MBA > CFA every time.

  121. 0 votes + -
    BALLIN Said:

    CFA > MBA 80% of the time every time.

  122. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Completed all the exams last year. I?m still trying to find my fire! Side effect they dont tell you about before you start the program!

  123. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The 12C is for chumps. It?s all about the BA-II plus. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_Instruments_Business_Analyst#HP-12C

  124. -1 votes + -
    Seoul Man Said:

    Americans are so dumb and stupid?even people who can?t speak english can pass the CFA exam. This is why the Chinese, Indians and all other minorities will take over banking. The white anglo americans and the sex-starved, pale Brits will be going away like the dinosaur. Take a look around these days?the MD you are working for is probably an Indian. What happened to the American education system??

  125. -1 votes + -
    CFA Hero Said:

    I?ve failed the CFA Level 1 three times but i?m going to NAIL it this december! All of you knocking the analyst forum?save it. Its VERY helpful. I?ve been visiting the forum for almost 2 years and will finally get a username once i pass, **fingers crossed** (its my treat to myself). Anyways. For those of you studying, Goodluck. Our Golden ticket is around the corner!! and think of all the money we?re saving by not doing an MBA like the rest of these suckers. We?ll have the last laugh, my friends! hahahahahahaha!!!!

  126. -1 votes + -
    Pauli-z's Said:

    yo-yo, its your boy Pauli-z reping Statin Island?Gotti! Wondering if anyone can drop some advise on how to break into to the Ibanking. I got 2.5 years in fixed income Ops. and 6 years working at my Uncle Ray?s Pizzeria? the last year i actually helped balance the balance sheets. I didn?t go to school but realy good with numbers. Let me know? and no wise guys ok.

  127. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    whoever wrote this post is a fake and a loser/ probably some F.O.B. i.t. guy at goldman, 1. you dont know any ?non-prop traders? huh? yeah almost believable, if you worked for schonfeld or etg. otherwise you wouldnt even be able to post this crap from a bank, or you are some loser market maker, 2. all you do i hang out with other traders? that is both unbelievable and unbelievably loserish?.way to roll deep with your co-workers brah 3. you think LC is hot? really? really? so 1) your clearly just some shmuck trying to get on a desk/front and 2) the fact that you think average white girls are hot makes me assume that you are a dirty F.O.B. who is obssessed with ?white bitches? go back to the motherland and fix some servers. im going back to dealbreaker, this shit blows. motherfucker is talking about LC and calculators?.

  128. 0 votes + -
    Mad Max Said:

    I love the Indian 3rd grader and teaches you to become a money manager in Ohio. Took level and lost the fire. Trying to get it back.

  129. +1 votes + -
    CFA Said:

    ?and while you?re at it Mad Max finish your GED and sign up for a grammar lesson.

  130. 0 votes + -
    I-bank-u-wank Said:

    Best post I?ve ever read, on any website, ever. Really! Hats off guys?

  131. 0 votes + -
    Mad Max Said:

    CFA,why don?t you finish your Denny?s breakfast with the rest of the treasury department at your commercial bank in Ohio.

  132. 0 votes + -
    Balls Said:

    They forgot to tell you that girls will be replaced by books when you sign up for the CFA exams

  133. 0 votes + -
    Biggus Dikkus Said:

    Three taken, three passed, suckaaaaaas(!) You bankers should take heed ? this could be something to do when all your jobs are being performed, ehem, prolific value being added from Nagpur and Nanchang. All respect due on the posts, though. Hilarious.

  134. 0 votes + -
    wb Said:

    interesting story. too nerdy though. an abacus would have gotten the chicks in a flash.

  135. 0 votes + -
    Some Chick Said:

    Quality stuff.

  136. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is hilarious. I love the sexist rubbish (I?m a girl) – it?s so true of these types. The times I have to put up with some idiot IB imagining himself immortal and doing me a favour by deigning to ?court? me? Oh, it?s hysterical stuff, guys. If you?re a good-looking girl, these suckers just CANNOT comprehend how or why could you possibly not want to have their dick inside you.

  137. 0 votes + -
    Fire is Back Said:

    Party has not stopped since June 7th. For those of you who lost the fire, I question whether you ever really had it. Finding out the results in late Summer fueled Round 2. CFA does not take place of MBA nor does the MBA take the place of CFA – way different.

  138. +1 votes + -
    No Clue Said:

    Guys, when you jerk off in your cubes, how far does it fly? Onto the pitch book or onto the monitors?

  139. 0 votes + -
    No Clue Said:

    The computer screens, that is?

  140. 0 votes + -
    U r such a loser Said:

    Hmm..is it a big deal? Cleared all levels in the first attempt. Took last one this summer in bangcock. Had a week of Thai fun before and after. Actually almost bailed on the exam, was so drunk the night before. Result u know. And you really think 40% is a low pass rate? Please?.. And yeah..never lost the fire..exam or no exam. The thing about Indian fifth graders is so true!

  141. +1 votes + -
    Captain Bigstuff Said:

    This was the best post you have ever written. Excellent work. Never lost the fire, but understand completely how some can. It?s called ?getting married.? I recommend you do not participate in such a thing.

  142. -2 votes + -
    Old baller -->ubermen*** Said:

    This story is about me. I used to lead the pack with legendary stories – balling at huge numbers and putting up unprecedented global numbers – superstar king taking ?bank?. They used call me ?coach? at 23 and then ask me to ?put them in?. My friends even constructed a 20 minute music video from hours of footage of me partying around the world in one of my many trips to everywhere in limos all the time. I now live in a distant borough, self employed quietly doing construction cause I like to build things. It feels really good make something with your hands. I practice mathematics and physics on friday and saturday nights. Before banking dumbed me down I was math and physics champ. I don?t drink alcohol and haven?t been laid in 2 years. I had over 100 girls in 3 years before that. My old friends at goldman and other places tried to call me and bring me out, hire me, etc. Now that its been several years of non responsiveness they don?t even try me anymore. Nobody trys me anymore except my family and the few select real buddies who will travel to see me without the promise of gains but with the promise of laughter and color. Sometimes I think back and want what i once had cause manhattan stoked the fire in me. But then I think about how much i like to build things and think about math problems and quietly read books and make predictions and pace around. Although I feel more sane then ever, it would seem I am more insane then ever. I was a ?bird? who couldn?t be caged and soared above all. I stopped because if I kept being what the industry wanted me to be then I would have been greedily obligated to hurt millions of people like we are seeing now in this market. I was too cowardly to change the culture! Money has no effect on my ego anymore. Its liberating and revealing. Hopefully, the the new era of bankers will be people who act responsibly as stewards of wealth, rather then narcissistic black holes. I am just searching for one women to marry and be with for life and have children with. It excites me cause I am curious about real love!

  143. +5 votes + -
    HEDGEmony Said:

    Your search for a woman will never end because you have to be a man first. You disgust me you pathetic quitter.

  144. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Nov 9th, you sound like a friendless minority virgin. I sincerely doubt you worked at any investment bank let alone GS.

  145. +3 votes + -
    wild card Said:

    Nov 9th ? we all know you were a consultant so stop lying to yourself

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