Monday, October 29, 2007

Banker Halloween Party

Banker Halloween PartyMy experience with Halloween in New York has been hit or miss. Right after I moved here after school in 2004, I was dragged to a weird, hipsterish party at some warehouse in the Meatpacking District. To play to the audience, I dressed as a Florida Voting Booth. It wasn’t an elaborate costume; over my normal outfit I just hung a piece of cardboard with 3 buttons and the names: Nader, Kerry, and Bush next to them. The Nader and Kerry buttons were incredibly tiny, and the Bush one was huge. I may have inadvertently made some lame political statement, but I just wanted to watch dozens of hipster girls push a button to vote Republican. Predictably, they did; and I poked them right back.

The space for the party was huge, but uncomfortably industrial. There was a trippy burlesque show going on the whole time, and they only served Absolut Vodka. The music selection was weird, electronic, and not even the slightest bit 80’s. Overall, I was unimpressed. People’s costumes were, for the most part, not sexy or chic, they were legitimately freakish. What absurd kind of Halloween party was I at that skin and lace had been replaced by blood and gore?

Halfway through the night, I had a particularly odd run-in. I was chatting up a cute girl in a prep school uniform who, in the spirit of the party, had blood running down from her nose and all over her entire face. It was creepy, but what can I say? I got nostalgic.

Some guy friend of hers came over to try to talk to her. He was wearing was a very average looking suit with a clumsily folded pocket square, and he had a 3-ring binder in his hand.

I wasn’t being defensive, just a bit curious. “So what are you?” I asked him.

He took a moment to smile at himself, obviously eager to explain his witty costume. “You know,” he responded. “I’m one of those New York City Banker-types.” And he proudly showed me the binder on which he had scribbled “Pitch Book” in black marker.

I paused, overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of the situation. I looked him up and down again, only to find square-toe shoes and a knot I was certain he had triple-looped. I shook my head and exploded in laughter.

This guy was truly pleased with his outfit of social commentary, but I couldn’t help myself; I had to tear him apart. I pulled his girl close with one arm, raised my other palm to his face, and slapped him lightly twice on the cheek. I chuckled again. “Nice try, bro,” I offered, right before laughing all the way out of that party, into a cab, and half-way back to the prep school girl’s parents’ UES townhouse.

I had to leave once I realized where we were heading. Turns out she wasn’t even dressed up.

$$$

This year, I went to a party that was on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. My buddy from Blackstone was having a thing at his place in SoHo and had decided that all the guys would dress up as something Wall Street-related, and all the girls just had to be really hot. Genius.

The party was decadent and refined, in a pre-IPO kind of way. The space competed with the warehouse in size, but it was sophisticated. Cocktail waitresses circled the loft, serving top-shelf booze and hors d’œuvres. The music was 80’s, pop, and not the slightest bit trippy. His private, Astroturf roof was also opened up, and the weather was just temperate enough that scantily dressed girls were comfortable.

I walked over and greeted my friend Peter who was covered head to toe in garbage: empty cans, bottles, and other random crap.

I considered him for a second. “Retail Banker?” I asked, almost 100% certain.

“Junk bond,” he responded. “Close though.”

I had been traveling and running late, so I wasn’t able to grab my costume. Again, nothing elaborate, but I had bought a Milwaukee Brewers hat that I was going to put on and point to repeatedly if questioned.

We chatted for a bit, strategizing as to which of the girls attending was the cutest. I don’t think they were instructed to do so, but every single one was dressed as a flapper from the 1920’s.

Sipping a drink, I inspected the rest of the finance-related costumes. They ranged in creativity.

There were, as would be expected, several incarnations of various finance internet celebrities. Aleksey Vayner appeared in a couple forms: shirtless in briefs and also in tennis attire. A Zack Michaelson had fashioned an entire fortress out of cardboard and stood inside of it, carrying a sleeping bag and pillow. There was even an Asian Peter Chung who had draped himself in strands of “domes.”

I spotted a guy with a beer bottle taped to his crotch and gave him a look of understanding. Another dude had printed a mortgage onto his shirt and stamped DEFAULT in red ink on his forehead. Not bad.

I kept browsing, and in the corner of the room, I saw a guy dressed up as what definitely appeared to be a massive turd—a really big piece of shit. “Peter,” I asked. “What’s that guy?”

He shrugged his shoulders, chewing foie grass. “People have been guessing all night man, and no one’s gotten it,” he informed me.

I was determined to figure it out.

Walking up to the roof to get some fresh air, I spotted a few combo outfits. One guy had an “alpha” symbol on his back and was getting perpetually chased by a Jim Cramer look-alike. Another pair was bound together with cuffs and a chain. Half of the duo was undoubtedly the Chrysler building, and the thing latched to him was someone dressed up like a savage, 3-headed dog. Periodically, one of the Cerberus’ heads would reach up and bite the building, ripping it apart and spitting out the remains. It was an interesting piece, I thought: life imitating art. It made the ballerness of the buyout truly palpable.

I stopped walking, having had a random epiphany. “Pump and dump?!” I reflected excitedly about The Turd. That was definitely it.

I quickly hunted him down and presented my hypothesis. He said nothing and shook his little shit head “no.”

Fuck. I walked away and made it up to the roof, finally. I tried to clear my mind and decided the best way would be to talk to one of the hotter airhead flappers. I found one, we started chatting, and it was working—I was completely zoned-out.

After a while, my friend Gopal came by. He had somewhat small, fake plastic tits hanging out from under a blue blouse and had stuffed his black pants so that his thighs and ass were huge, giving him a bulbous, pear shape.

“I’m a Banker Chick!” he informed, stating the obvious. Both guys and girls couldn’t help but grope him, and I was certain that this was the most action both Gopal and any Banker Chick would ever see. He ran away, giddy and ticklish.

Things started to escalate with the flapper, only because I was too busy still decoding The Turd to shut her up.

“So what are you?” she asked after a while.

I snapped back and realized that without my cap to point to, I was stuck. I thought for a second and remembered that idiot from 3 years back.

“You know,” I said, almost jokingly. “I’m one of those New York City Banker-types.”

She paused to look me up and down. My Canali, Ferragamos, and well-knotted Hermes tie must have been slightly more convincing, because after a moment, she tapped me on the cheek gently and said, cheerfully: “Perfect. Cause that’s exactly what I was looking for.”

As we walked downstairs and out of the party together, I winked and bid a few people goodbye.

Right as we were getting to the door, I saw The Turd, and he was talking to an older Black man with an axe sticking out of his head.

Suddenly, it clicked.

“Wachovia!” I burst confidently from across the room, pointing at him with my index finger.

Both The Turd and Stan O’Neal turned and sent back congratulatory looks. They nodded their heads in unison, smiled, and gave me four, big shit-eating thumbs ups.

It was an interesting piece, I thought: art imitating life. It made the retardedness of that decision truly palpable.


244 comments for this post.

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  1. -11 votes + -
    anon Said:

    What do u guys think will happen with Analyst bonuses? Will they be low at all firms street wide? The same as last year, or higher at the firms that are actually not run by brain-dead retards?

  2. -3 votes + -
    eastern european girl Said:

    Bill, now you see what being on top of your class, on top of your sports team and on top of your analyst class at GS does to females 1 year after college.. refer to: ”he had somewhat small, fake plastic tits hanging out from under a blue blouse and had stuffed his black pants so that his thighs and ass were huge, giving him a bulbous, pear shape.” i need a drink now?

  3. +8 votes + -
    Kanye > Wall St. Said:

    All you posers spitting game bout bottle service, Can?t get no ladies to give lip service, Quit fakin and thinkin you deserve this, I?m the orginal when it comes to Dom and cris

  4. +1 votes + -
    The REAL Eastern European Gir Said:

    Lumbergh, thanks for your comment?”humorous” like oh wow that was witty humorous? oooor ”humorous” like chicks unable to contain chuckling when they see your small J humorous? you are a douche. i wouldnt sit on your paper-clip to stifle the small fire that is constantly burning in my inflamed loins.

  5. +10 votes + -
    my bonus is better than yours Said:

    KeyBanc sucks.

  6. -5 votes + -
    haha Said:

    can i have my tv and bike back please?

  7. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Lumbergh?striking out left and right. A back office hero at his best.

  8. +14 votes + -
    BonusTime Said:

    I heard from my friend in HR that I should take my last year?s bonus and divide by 10. Anyone heard anything like that?

  9. +5 votes + -
    BITCH Said:

    CORRECTION: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/475516369.html POLL: Does every guy you meet claim to be a trader??? ??,???

  10. +2 votes + -
    40.0x your Mom Said:

    All the bonus questions are making this page look like vault.com. Are all of you so insecure to bring that shit here? And to answer your question, I?ve heard that some of you will be lucky to keep your jobs.

  11. +7 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    hey all you Blackstone bitches, i love the puked out earnings (or lack thereof) your co. reported tonight.

  12. -7 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Hey guys I just landed a sweet banking job in Midtown – teller at Wachovia, 52nd and 3rd. After how many months can I ditch this job and go work for Henry Kravitz?

  13. +3 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    REAL Eastern European Girl, thanks for thanking me for my comment that was meant for someone else. I guess you?re dumber than she is.

  14. +13 votes + -
    UBSBonusCap Said:

    Guess I?ll have to start asking mommy for Christmas presents again.

  15. -3 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    It?s funny to see all you NYC losers out of jobs by the end of the year. Manhattan housing market will subsequently crash. How does it feel to know that your city will always be inferior to Chicago?

  16. +7 votes + -
    anonymoose Said:

    on a side note, anyone agree that the Investopedia logo looks like a vagina?

  17. +10 votes + -
    Get the fuck out of here Said:

    Chicago? Chicago? Are you FUCKING serious? The only time I?ve ever had to go to that dump is flying through Midway or O?Hare. The only good things to come out of Chicago were Kanye West and Michael Jordan, and Jordan was born in Brooklyn, obviously.

  18. -5 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    Get the fuck out of here, Chicago has a better nightlife, hotter women, and a better quality of life than that dump called Manhattan. Now, go back to killing cockroaches in your tiny studio apartment.

  19. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this posting sucked.

  20. -5 votes + -
    Blackstone Private Equity Said:

    HAHAHhaAH, Chicago, why don;t you go marry your cousin and fuck a pig you western hick. have you ever been nyc you fucker

  21. -7 votes + -
    Blackstone Private Equity Said:

    and someone kill that ubs fuck

  22. 0 votes + -
    The Case of the Missing Bottled Water Said:

    Due Dili vs. Do Diddly (squat) ” [Wachovia] was dependent on generating financing transactions for mid-market companies such as Le Nature?s,’? the creditors? [Blackrock, Harbinger] complaint argues. ”Struggling to compete with more established investment banks, Wachovia could not be as selective in choosing which high-yield issuances to pursue.’? http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601109&sid=azBlxUc75dfE&refer=home

  23. -1 votes + -
    new Said:

    My colleague sent me this link. I think you are all really funny. Should we get together for some dinner?

  24. -5 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    Blackstone Private Equity, Yes I?ve been to NYC many times. It?s a disgusting city: dirty, cramped, and overpriced. Chicago has everything that NYC does but is much cleaner and more livable. Plus, the nightlife is amazing, and the women are drop dead gorgeous. By the way, enjoy your mediocre bonus this year.

  25. +14 votes + -
    um Said:

    ‘Chicago rules”: Quick calculation for you. Take the number of women that travel from around the world to pursue modeling/acting/fashion/PR careers in CHICAGO, and divide it by the number of fat, polish sausage-eating smelly mid-western whores. Then compare the resulting ratio to New York?s and tell me if Chicago has better looking women than NYC. I?m glad you like fly-over country. Stay put you stupid fucking hick.

  26. -23 votes + -
    AOL Said:

    Chicago is shit, NY is sick but the real place is Los Angeles. The scene is incredibile.

  27. -6 votes + -
    BlueBalls Said:

    AOL: That is the dumbest thing i have have read. LA is in no shape or form comparable to NY or CHI in terms of true ”scene.” The REALL fucking place is Miami. Go there and get back to me.

  28. +10 votes + -
    No More Canada Said:

    Get the fuck out of here: who takes flights with layovers, you can?t spring for the non-stop?

  29. +12 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    Saying things suck sucks

  30. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Love it – keep up the writing please! Can?t keep waiting for the next post that long.

  31. -7 votes + -
    eastern europe girl Said:

    Everyone is so funny here – I think we should all get together one day for some vodka. excluding the dudes from Chicago and LA that is..

  32. +13 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    Comment to bonustime: First of all whenever someone in HR starts saying things like ”divide”, you should probably stop listening to them.

  33. -9 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Manhattan? Stamford, more likely. Chicago? YAY TRACKSUITS. London? The real city. Real men wear cufflinks.

  34. -4 votes + -
    A Freshman Said:

    Take me under your wing?

  35. -11 votes + -
    numbcruncher Said:

    I?m from/work in Chicago. I would rather fly non-stop to London for all that they have to offer. Old world style, pedigree, a blend of what NYC and Chi has to offer? and dare I say an abundance of Anglo-Saxon annnnnd Eastern European women?.

  36. -2 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Look, until playboy does girls of Fordham issue, you can all look at the girls of the Big 10 and shut the fuck up. As far as staying put, you too buddy. We?re just fine without your 5?5?? asthmatic self around.

  37. +15 votes + -
    Buyside Said:

    Here?s how to tell you suck. I can have a good time in NYC, SF, Boston, Chicago, even fucking Cincinatti. If you?re worth anything, the good time follows you.

  38. +1 votes + -
    Hey Buyside Said:

    Yeah, sure you can – b/c you take your crack pipe with you when you travel. Stop pretending to be a normal, well-adjusted, optimistic person and admit that you stay up nights crawled up in the fetal position agonizing about your lack of self-worth.

  39. +30 votes + -
    Reality bites Said:

    When I first joined GS, I thought my colleagues were really fascinating people with interesting lives. We hit all the big parties and were VIPs at every club. However, it dawned on me earlier this week that most of us bankers are supremely boring people. Shut off the alcohol, the clubbing lights and music, and the drugs, and we bankers are just a bunch of ill-adjusted college brats obsessed with defining ourselves by earning power. No one has anything interesting to say except on these stupid blog sites. If only the clever personalities writing replies on this site were so clever in real life.

  40. -11 votes + -
    testes testes 123 Said:

    who needs self worth when you have net worth?

  41. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Write another story, you?re running out of material.

  42. +5 votes + -
    Next Said:

    New story please? or is everyone too busy pretending to work during the credit crunch?

  43. +5 votes + -
    go blue Said:

    no thanksgiving issue? weak sauce?

  44. +8 votes + -
    Baller Analyst in Bangui! Said:

    Living large here in CAR (Central African Republic). Incredible women – kind of hard to communicate with them, though, b/c I have no French, and my Sango is pretty elementary. Last week I travelled to Lagos (business class!) to pitch Avante Capital on the privatization of the Dzanga-Sangha National Park. Stayed at the Lagos Hilton! No bottle service here in Bangui, but I bought a couple of bars with part of my last paycheck. I reserve the entire joint(s) whenever I want to head out with the lads. Then we get our crew to bring in a load of hot women. There are over 80 ethnic groups in CAR, so we mix it up to keep things interesting – Tuesdays is Baya Ladies Night, Wednesdays is Banda, and so on. Personally, I think the MBaka and Yakoma chicks are the hottest, but thats just me.

  45. +13 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    ‘We hit all the big parties and were VIPs at every club.” Anyone that calls themself a VIP, isn?t one.

  46. +10 votes + -
    testes testes 123 Said:

    numcruncher: if you put little smiley faces and shit on your messages, you are either a limp wristed funboy or you are a fat white chick who won?t let go of her 1st year in the sorority house. you dig, douchey?

  47. +23 votes + -
    baller analyst 2 Said:

    i?m out here drilling eskimo chicks on the north pole. pitching the russians on an uzi factory. i?m the coolest dude on the island, flying in grey goose for all the hos pimping it up cold as ice in my iglu.

  48. -6 votes + -
    ambigious man Said:

    hahahah, dude, you are some up tight loser most of you guys dont even more in gs or bx because if you did, you would not be on this blog

  49. +2 votes + -
    Trader Said:

    haha, the comments really get me. Especially how the city vs. city battle comes into play every time! Clearly, London is the place to be! Ok, I?m just kidding, sort of. It probably is the better place to be at this instant, but I can?t wait to get back to NYC. For all those fighting _so_ aggressively for Chicago and the sorts should really look into becoming NYers. I?m serious. All the Chi town kids I meet are a bit more calm than you guys, which is why I think you should consider converting. NY might be having a slow year this year (wait til the media realizes this – they?ve only just re-proclaimed it the Fin capital of the world from London), but it?ll be back. It always is. Anyway, kudos to the story – felt like an actual experience instead of a story with satire. Pardon any spelling mistakes, I know I?m going to get railed on that ? I do numbers, not words.

  50. +7 votes + -
    Coke head Said:

    Tenjune got raided yesterday. It?s been shut down like Bed. Another one bites the dust?

  51. +6 votes + -
    booyakasha Said:

    Dude – how hard is it to pump at least one post out a month? Get to it!

  52. +15 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Baller analyst 2, its not iglu, its igloo. evidently the low-tech-weapons finance desk at suntrust irktrusk office does not have a literacy requirement. and you will not get the mandate, because you are gay

  53. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i usually like your stuff but the reason this post sucks is because its unrealisitic. write what you know

  54. -11 votes + -
    God's gift to the Earth Said:

    Models and bottles and sometimes sluts from NYU/Columbia! Holler!

  55. +9 votes + -
    Patel Said:

    Teri maa ki..

  56. +13 votes + -
    Gallop Said:

    Hi, I?m conducting a Gallop Poll for the WSJ. If you have the time, please make one of the choices below. Which would you rather be? (A) An M&A MD at Jeffries (B) A PWM VP at Bear (C) A trade settlement analyst at Lehman (D) A HR intern at GS (E) A janitor at Citadel

  57. +4 votes + -
    Oh C Said:

    Tired and paunchy? Skipping from Halloween to Chanukka on a (last?) lame post? Time for outsourced productivity?

  58. +11 votes + -
    Bored Said:

    Update this blog already

  59. +9 votes + -
    alphajohn Said:

    time for a new post, douches

  60. +11 votes + -
    I'm hott for Eastern Euro Chick Said:

    I love your Slavic enunciation that really comes off as ignorance peppered with enough references (GS, trading) to give the slightest appearance of literacy. I can imagine now your fine boned features and permanent sneer that over time will morph into a thick boned and callused look of resignation (and topped off with a babushka to boot)! All right!

  61. +5 votes + -
    random guess Said:

    how do we know if he didn?t get fired. a new story before new years will show us he is still alive

  62. -18 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    Trader, Sorry bro. NYC sucks. It?s a festering urban wasteland filled with garbage, urine, and cockroach infested apartments. Chicago is the place to be. It?s one of the cleanest cities in the country, with an awesome quality of living, and nightlife and women that blow away NYC. I?m really sorry that you and your ilk can?t afford to enjoy what Chicago has to offer. Continue enjoy being in a third tier toilet.

  63. +5 votes + -
    To Patel Said:

    Sala harami, This is an English-only site. Please keep your comments in English, or else move to France!

  64. -11 votes + -
    lolabar Said:

    I just have to say? the posts and the accompanying comments have to be the funniest things I have ever read. I mean the only other time that text has made me literally LAUGH OUT LOUD was when I read that Toole book. The Confederacy of something? idiots or imbeciles or something. Initially, when I discovered this website I was so offended – my hopes of becoming an investment banker were completely obliterated. You guys look down on schools like Yale and Cornell, what chance do I have coming from McGill. Then I realized how funny this shit was.

  65. -5 votes + -
    Trader Said:

    Chicago dude, I don?t mean to trash on Chicago – I?ve never been, my friend! Therefore, I can?t comment. I was only talking about the manner of force used to defend your city. I?d really like to live there for a while, hopefully I get a chance to do that. I?m in London for the moment and don?t see any opportunity coming out of the woodwork any time soon.

  66. +1 votes + -
    Bitchtern Said:

    Where?s the update D-bag

  67. +16 votes + -
    Mgt. Consultant Said:

    Hey guys *money money yadda yadda bonus bonus or lack thereof* *derogatory reference to some chick you wish you banged* *misspellings galore* *city bashing* I just summarized 75% of the postings here

  68. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Should probably be a ”?” after McGill lolabar. I guess we look down on you for a reason.

  69. +7 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    NYC has the Hamptons. Chicago has? Milwaukee? Enough said.

  70. +7 votes + -
    anti-consultant Said:

    How does it feel to work banker hours w/o banker pay?

  71. -2 votes + -
    Boner Said:

    Does anyone know of a good cookbook?

  72. +6 votes + -
    Wowwee! I'm a mgmt consultant Said:

    Look at how the title of my powerpoint flashes AND slides in from the side of the screen! Did my cut and paste excerpts from Google searches legitimize whatever it is that you paid me to say? I like staying in Holiday Inn Express. Yay! B.A. Fine Arts Elon College, 2004

  73. +10 votes + -
    key banc Said:

    here i am, no pipeline, no deal flow. time for a new post at least?

  74. +19 votes + -
    anon gs guy Said:

    i?m assuming chicago guy?s post was entirely sarcastic, but in case it wasn?t, here?s a reply. nyc a ”third tier toilet”? chicago with women who ”blow nyc chicks away”? while i?ve been to chicago and like the city a lot, you?ve got to be kidding. chicago consists entirely of only a few breeds of people: rich kids from the north shore, kids from wisconsin/minnesota/indiana and the rest of the big ten schools who are frightened of the thought of moving to either coast, and a bunch of well fed girls who are not too easy on the eyes but easy to get into bed (yes, that was both an insult and a compliment). i have friends who are die-hard chicago, born and raised and ultimately want to mvoe back, but even they aren?t dumb enough to think the girls there are better than girls in NYC. granted, they aren?t stuck up b!tches like we have in new york, but i?ll take hard to get and skinny over begging for it and hefty any day. as for the 3rd tier toilet comment, you?re clearly a moron. i think someone from philadelphia is pretending to be from chicago, because any native chicago-an would be embarassed to read what you?re writing.

  75. +7 votes + -
    Coke head Said:

    Mgt. Consultant, you think you are so clever, huh? You forgot the incessant references to ”douche bag,” ”models and bottles,” ”my school is better than your school,” ”private equity > hedge funds > investment banking,” and ”I have no time, life, or happiness so I will delude myself into thinking that my money makes my life worth living even though I go home with suicidal thoughts every day.”

  76. -9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Is this Chicago guy an old land developer, builder, or a condo owner who wants us all to think Chicago is a great city?move there?and try to raise his real estate price!!! Hmmmmm?..or is he the mayor??? Either way?get out and explore?there are are, dare I say, several better places in the world than Chicago. Wait, I forgot that you?re still trying to swim your way out of that real estate bullshit.

  77. 0 votes + -
    luvkeepinitreal Said:

    i?m new to this website, but leave keepinitreal alone! he has the best comments, and oh so funny!

  78. +14 votes + -
    Bitchtern Said:

    Chicago woman are all built on the same midwestern girl chasis. Fat asses, big tits and cute faces. It get?s old quick. But they do look great when you?re drunk.

  79. -1 votes + -
    Ken Griffin Said:

    I have aleady impregnated every chick in LES, so don?t both going there tonight.

  80. -26 votes + -
    wannabebanker Said:

    Are any of you wonderful funny bankers interested in helping a determined undergraduate finance student land an internship in banking?

  81. 0 votes + -
    wannabebanker Said:

    Eastern European Girl is a guy!

  82. -14 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    anon gs guy, No. I was not being sarcastic about Chicago?s nightlife and women. For example, last night, I partied at a club called underground, and the girls there were simply unbelievable, better than anything NYC has to offer. You losers can?t even name more than 5 venues that are more exclusive and have hotter girls than Chicago?s best clubs/bars/lounges. Enjoy your third tier toilet.

  83. +3 votes + -
    BSC-100.94 Said:

    DId everyone get laid off? WTF? Where?s the update???

  84. +3 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    wannabebanker – i can prove it to you i am not a guy through various ways. lemme know.

  85. +14 votes + -
    anon gs guy Said:

    seriously chicago? can?t name 5? i?m no club expert, but i?m sure i can name 5 places on one BLOCK that has hotter girls than chicago. walk down west 27th street in between 10th and 11th ave?s between midnight and 4am on any random wed-sat night and try repeating that last comment with a straight face. the girls at pink elephant, home, guest house, et. al. combined probably weigh about the same as the 3 girls you can fit in your car. you won?t find any girls hounding the sidewalk vendors for a polish sausage like they do in wrigleyville. they purposely didn?t eat anything that day so that they can fit into their painted on jeans and drink an inappropriate amount of vodka, all the while joinging the rest of ny in making fun of guys like you who have to go home at 1am cause their city sucks and bars close at that time. i know this and i hate clubs – give me a fun bar anytime. i just hate idiots, and you sir, fit the bill.

  86. -9 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    anon gs guy, You now show your true colors. The fact that you cite west 27th between 10th and 11th, shows how low your tastes are. Those clubs attract trashy bridge and tunnel chicks. Just remember that Chicago gets the hottest big 10 girls while NYC gets girls from jersey and long island.

  87. -5 votes + -
    A Freshman Said:

    New post?? Also: GS internship for this guy.

  88. -1 votes + -
    wannabebanker Said:

    Eastern European Dude, you are hilarious!

  89. -5 votes + -
    Left Banker Said:

    The comments here are hysterical. My vote?s with the Chi-town, London crew. I was born in this smelly city that is NYC and people here are absolutely delusional. Everything costs so fucking much and is so fucking MEDIOCRE. The money HFers and PE gods and goddesses put down for apartments could get them freaking castles in Europes. NY is hyped beyond reason and everyone here is coked up and too drunk to realise how scammed they are. Plus all these NYC defenders are midwestern and Jersey hicks so proud to finally be ”in the city” that they?ll say anything to justify their shitty lives in New York. Real New Yorkers know the city is such a fucking pain but they want their bodegas and to not see pale white faces all day. Paris is awesome. Chicago is awesome (though pale faces) and London is awesome. Stop the delusions wanksters.

  90. -1 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Get your facts straight DB, most bars stay open until 4 am in Chicago

  91. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Evidently, even the wit and sarcasm is superior in New York. The only decent thing to come out of Chicago besides Jordan is Citadel. Keep at it ”Chicago rules”. Pretty soon we?ll see you on a Friday night waiting in line outside Mercury Bar in your Grossman jersey.

  92. 0 votes + -
    +12 votesM&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    Ummm..where to start??? Lets see?Ken Griffin why are you screwing people that belong to the Licensing Executives Society? are there hot chicks there? I had to google LES to see if anything legitimate actually existed or if you are just an idiot who cant even spell an acronym for the London School of Economics correctly. Moving on, ”For example, last night, I partied at a club called underground, and the girls there were simply unbelievable, better than anything NYC has to offer.” has got to be the most pathetic quote I have ever heard. Only a socially inept, sexually frustrated douche would use such a phrase to build on an inanely idiotic argument.

  93. +4 votes + -
    I like phat chicks Said:

    Mmmm, love to see a muffintop gagging on a Chicago hotdog, relish and crumbs dribbling down the sides of her mouth. No coked out hoors for me, boi. Them hips are made for birthin?

  94. -1 votes + -
    UBSucks Said:

    Bars in Chicago close anywhere from 2 to 5am. Anon gs. So who is the idiot?

  95. 0 votes + -
    wow Said:

    Well said anon gs guy. Although I don?t think his rediculous argument even merited that much salt. The statement (paraphrasing) ”chicago has hotter girls and more exclusive clubs than new york” is so rediculously absurd that I don?t even know where to begin. I can?t believe he would seriously say that.

  96. +7 votes + -
    screw chic an nyc Said:

    dunno why you guys are fighting abt second spot??.the coolest hippest funkiest city in all of the world is Madison WI??.now 100 % mariah carey free

  97. -18 votes + -
    wannabebanker Said:

    what do you guys think the summer analyst hiring prospects are this year for banking??

  98. +13 votes + -
    wallstreeter Said:

    Damn. This is like the 300th time I?ve come to this site hoping for a new entry and nothing new is up.

  99. +14 votes + -
    the other chicago guy Said:

    No wonder Chicago rules thinks NYC clubs all suck, he can?t get in. Underground is a shithole. There are a few decent places in Chicago but nothing in comparison to NYC.

  100. +12 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Still no update? What happened? Did you lose your sweet job at BofA?

  101. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?ve lived in both cities. There?s no way you?re not giggling to yourself while you?re typing Chicago Rules. There?s no way you actually believe the garbage spewing out of your keyboard?

  102. +13 votes + -
    Bored Said:

    One blog a quarter, sweet.

  103. +14 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Update the blog already Bhenchod??

  104. +3 votes + -
    anon gs guy Said:

    chicago – B&T yes, but let?s not forget we import all the wannabe models from all over America, Europe and wherever else hot chicks who want to be on magazine?s come from. and ”all the hot chicks from the big 10? isn?t saying much considering at a school of 30,000, your proportionate rate of hot girls to fatties is terrible. i think it?s pretty clear that you?ve lost this argument, so i?m retiring ahead. whoever said chicago bars are open to b/w 2am and 5am and that i?m the idiot, you?re right, i feel terrible. how can i make it up to you and your second city? and to whoever wrote ”The only decent thing to come out of Chicago besides Jordan is Citadel”? you are correct, but let?s not forget that jordan is originally from nyc. anyways, i?m going back to just reading and not getting into these long-winded diatribes. enjoy winter.

  105. -11 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    the other chicago guy, I?m sorry that you?re bitter because you couldn?t get into the exclusive Chicago venues, such as underground, manor, krem, y-bar, rednofive, etc. The NYC nightlife and women are so overhyped that it?s not even funny. While I?m partying with hot Big 10 sorority chicks, NYC losers chill with pale jewish and italian girls from jersey and long island. Yuck!

  106. +4 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    More please.

  107. +1 votes + -
    meandjoemoomoo Said:

    wannabebanker: i?m sure if you offer chicagoblows some manplay, he can hook you up with a badass former LaSalle banker at his middle market deal shop. maybe, just maybe, you could even land at UBS Chicago to raise the cumulative office IQ to 100. chicagoblows and so will you, wannabebanker. here?s a question: if his potatoes are on your chin, where?s the meat?

  108. -3 votes + -
    Bankers_Take_It_In_The_Culo Said:

    I hate bankers. Thats all I have to say. They come to my company all the time, try to sell us garbage and think we are just going to bite because they know how to match their ties with their suits. Get it through your f?in heads, you are all losers who couldnt make it to the buyside. Hedgefunds are the new power and there is nothing any of you can do anything about. Keep coming to my office and seeling your crap and I?ll keep rejecting it till I find my $ trade. Traders are king and the bankers are the jesters. Hedgefunds are the new world order and bankers are their bitches.

  109. 0 votes + -
    RealDeal Said:

    Off the rack suit – Not quite perfect. Someday big guy.

  110. -1 votes + -
    Remember_the_Hedgefunds.. Said:

    Bankers? Butt Boy, 90% of Hedge Funds just proved themselves a farce anyone with money to spend won?t touch again with a ten-foot bargepole. Let?s face it – we?re ALL doomed. Take what you have left, if anything, and do what big tobacco does – go sell toxic crud to the unsuspecting 3rd world. What, afraid of a conflict dollar or two?

  111. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Holler

  112. +1 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Great job

  113. -5 votes + -
    alex k Said:

    Most excellent, well written. Happy Halloween!

  114. +4 votes + -
    Monster Said:

    good read my friend?but not your best work

  115. +1 votes + -
    John Said:

    ‘One guy had an alpha??? symbol on his back and was getting perpetually chased by a Jim Cramer look-alike.” = Money.

  116. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wow haven?t seen anything this good in ages.

  117. +11 votes + -
    ML Banker Said:

    ‘Both The Turd and Stan ONeal turned and sent back congratulatory looks. They nodded their heads in unison, smiled, and gave me four, big shit-eating thumbs ups.” Absolutely hilarious.

  118. +8 votes + -
    Baller VP Said:

    great closure – wachovia bankers(?) would be refused bottle service in Raileigh let alone manhattan

  119. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Welcome back! Outstanding?

  120. 0 votes + -
    ACAS=bucket shop Said:

    Great to have you back in the rotation?

  121. -1 votes + -
    unimpressed Said:

    Huge fan, really not your best work

  122. -4 votes + -
    NYC Sophisticate Said:

    Nice try – but this one wont rouse the masses to pitchforks and torches like the last few did. Also – hipsters have no idea that bankers produce ”pitch books”. All they know is that bankers are the scum of the earth who rip bread from the lips of the starving poor. Finally that tortured reference to the CAPM – more subtlety my dear chap, give the reader more credit.

  123. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Beautiful.

  124. -9 votes + -
    Anonymous12 Said:

    hahaha that?s hilarious! particularly because it?s so timely. and?well, true.

  125. -4 votes + -
    Bitchtern Said:

    Good read as always, could have been more humorous. Please keep it coming.

  126. +51 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Well, let?s get it started? You went to a state school so you are stupid You mispelled a word in your post so have a small penis Bankers are better than traders Traders are better than bankers All right!

  127. -6 votes + -
    Bottles Said:

    one of the best yet.

  128. -6 votes + -
    wallstreeter Said:

    This was brilliant!

  129. -8 votes + -
    obligor Said:

    baller

  130. -14 votes + -
    Name Said:

    The CAPM pun is pure genius!

  131. +8 votes + -
    Banker Fetus Said:

    Nice to see you back?step your game up with a few more entries. ok???

  132. 0 votes + -
    Lev Fin Banker Said:

    good to see something new, but again, not your best work.

  133. -1 votes + -
    just a finance guy Said:

    Pretty dissapointing, I was looking forward to read your next piece and all I get is this shit. Hope you do better next time.

  134. +5 votes + -
    Wachovia Retail Banker Said:

    Please tell me this was not penned by the same individual who brought us Brick Break My Heart, Hicks Musings, and Overdelivering. Where are the flowery descriptions, outrageous metaphors, and the air of egotism? This either was written by a different person, or you?ve lost your touch. Sorry.

  135. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Last one was awful. It was too elitist, and not in the good kind of way. As a result, we had comments being one of the worst of the lot. The same old trite, I?m a banker; you?re an idiot; I am the father of your brother bullshit arguments again. I enjoyed this one. Thankfully, you haven?t lost it yet.

  136. +2 votes + -
    PE Said:

    Half way through I thought this post was going to be a failure. Then you pulled it out with a Wachovia turd reference and closed the deal. Nice.

  137. +13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am equal parts shocked, stunned, and flummoxed that there wasn?t anyone at your party wrapped up in toilet paper with a string hanging between their legs.

  138. +1 votes + -
    hey keepinitreal Said:

    LSO, Nice post. I just got a fax from JT Marlin? They said, ”Welcome to the Club!” Salud, LSO.

  139. -2 votes + -
    Anon51 Said:

    Big fan. Solid closing but found it as one of the weaker ones. Step it up.

  140. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This one sucked compared to some of the past exploits.

  141. +2 votes + -
    Bad Taste Said:

    ‘Canali” suit. You are a real BSD now. LOL.

  142. +38 votes + -
    JPeppers90 Said:

    Shit dude I work at Wachovia.

  143. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Retail Banker?” – fucking great

  144. -7 votes + -
    pe chick Said:

    ‘stuffed his black pants so that his thighs and ass were huge, giving him a bulbous, pear shape” love it. i need an ass like that. then all the black guys would holler at me.

  145. +9 votes + -
    Stan ONeal Said:

    I?m out of the industry now so stop talking about me!

  146. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘I pulled his girl close with one arm, raised my other palm to his face, and slapped him lightly twice on the cheek. I chuckled again. Nice try, bro,??? I offered, right before laughing all the way out of that party, into a cab, and half-way back to the prep school girls parents UES townhouse.” Pure genius

  147. +11 votes + -
    M&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    It is because of how banker chicks look that a perfectly ntritious and delicious fruit has been ruined for me?i now hate pears.

  148. -9 votes + -
    Random Banker Said:

    You?re back baby! Keep up the good work.

  149. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    here comes the banker circle-jerk

  150. +2 votes + -
    Frank Said:

    I don?t get it.

  151. +62 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Have never been to this site before, but this kind of makes me realize that there is a legitimate underpinning to all the spite many of the less fortunate have towards I-Bankers. I?ve always scoffed at the hipster type, who in turn scoffs at the typical banker, and merely chalked it up to a case of envy. But this little story is so infected with a pompous prik mentality that it?s hard not to start to dislike bankers (even though I am one). I?ve long been of the opinion, and frankly still am, that MOST bankers are douchebags who were never anybody until they graduated from school and got hired at a prestigious firm. They?re typically the kids who were picked on all their lives by the athletes and the dudes that were getting laid in high school and college. Then, they grauduate, get a job, pad their pockets, buy some nice clothes, and all of a sudden think they?re masters of the universe. Maybe they get laid often, maybe they don?t, but regardless, what?s the point of getting laid when you have premature ejaculation problems cause you haven?t fucked a girl since your senior prom (and even then it was a sympathy fuck). Take the cash away and all you have is an over-intelligent worm longing for the day where he can ”rule the roost”. You ever wonder why so many bankers are referred to as ruthless? It?s because they?ve got so much pent up agression inside them from being a pussy their entire life, that they take it out on others professionally.

  152. +47 votes + -
    Absolut Banker Said:

    I gotta agree with you bro. I?ve been in banking a long time and I?m convinced that most, including me, are pathetic losers. Wealthy losers, but still losers. Most of us will have major regrets when we look back at our lives. I already do, and there are days when I?m just a few Red Bulls away from slashing my cuff-linked wrists.

  153. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    douche

  154. +11 votes + -
    Non Banking Baller Said:

    That ”anonymous” post about 3 posts up makes a very very good point. I Banking is the true revenge of the nerds. Good for y?all!

  155. -4 votes + -
    anonymeuro Said:

    some class quotes?. (in the ”comments” section)? even appealed to the european sense of humour. ha ha ( zis iz en eefil laaf viz a cherman eccent)

  156. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i think you stole my CAPM costume idea. also, as long as nobody has started already, i will. most bankers know how to spell ”foie gras”

  157. -5 votes + -
    P Said:

    The CAPM reference was so brilliant! Absolutely fantastic. I wonder how many people got it. Keep it coming the last hiatus was much too long.

  158. -9 votes + -
    haven't watched baseball in long time Said:

    wow didn?t get the CAPM reference @ first, brilliant though haha

  159. +9 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    To anonymous diatribe: What?s worse is the hipsters that think they are so cool when they were the true nerds. I look at these f-cks walking aronud Williamsburg and the lower east side and think, ”Did they not do wedgies in this kid?s school?” They are the true drain on soceity. Dorks that add nothing.

  160. -4 votes + -
    Cheesehedgie Said:

    The Brew Crew is the bomb?they are winners in the NL Central next season for sure and then on to the Series. Ya der hey, Milwaukee!

  161. -4 votes + -
    dork Said:

    what?s CAPM

  162. +44 votes + -
    Reply to Anon @8:45 Said:

    Anonymous: Is there anything more pathetic than a guy who measures himself by how cool he was in high school? Maybe you were the QB of your football team, and maybe you got laid a lot by 16 year old hick retards at the time. But while you spend the rest of your life in the landscaping industry, unable to afford the prescription meds for the herpes you got while flunking out of state school, the rest of us will move on and spend the rest of our lives making money, closing beautiful women, and laughing at you. Mow my lawn bitch.

  163. +8 votes + -
    Reply to Anon @8:53 Said:

    He doesn?t mention or try to relieve the high-school years. Instead he points out that many of the bankers are trying to pretend that they were the ”cool” kids growing up. It?s not the first; many of my school do the same. I see students that dream of not the cash, but the glamour and the fun that follows with the money. However, they don?t realize, it?s just their characters and personalities that are just boring. Laugh all you want, but your the one using vicious ad-hoc attacks to try to appease your own ego. You may be laughing as you close your ”beautiful” women. I don?t need to. I can close in college. Somehow, I doubt you could do the same.

  164. +26 votes + -
    M&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    Must we go over this again? High school was glorious for those of us who were athletic and beautiful and fortunate enough to have gone through any awkward stage prior to hitting puberty. For the rest it sucked. Moving on, college was a different story for some of these nerds, a renaissance if you will, for the socially inept, ugly ducklings of yesteryear who now found a new bar by which to be measured by.the fraternity or the social club. Now we have moved far beyond being judged solely by our looks and social affiliations, now it has to do with how we spend our days. However, that is not to say that any douche with a good firm can be a master of the universe. It requires arrogance associated an impeccable superficial aesthetic and a brilliant mind to be a McCoy. At least half of the people I work with are the kids who got stuffed in lockers, and spent the time when everyone else was going out and making bad decisions, brooding over the unfairness of life only to devise a diabolical plan that one day they would rise to the top of the banking world, become an md and take out the majority of their homoerotic frustrations on analysts

  165. -11 votes + -
    I go to a party school Said:

    Wharton, fool

  166. +38 votes + -
    Diatriber Said:

    To Anon @ 8:45: I never said anything about measuring yourself by how cool you were in H.S. & College. How about re-reading what I said and then commenting. You?ll notice that I mentioned I am also a banker, but unlike the majority of the banking crowd, I realize that just working for a big firm and taking home a big paycheck doesn?t make you any better off than the douchebag that you really are. In fact if you take a step back and look at what most of us are doing, we?re being bitches to the select few who made it up the ladder (by a lot of ass kissing, and political BS) in the I-Banking world. I do it, you do it, we all do it. However, I don?t kid myself into glorifying what I do. I do it for the money, end of story. So, with that said, go on an continue defending all your late nights editing fonts, and trying to make it sound important. Go on and BS about how many gorgeous women you?ve ”closed”. But please, go on doing it with the knowledge that you?re a fucking loser outside of the world of finance, and all those gorgeous women you?re laying are fucking you because they think you have money, not because they actually like you. Tool.

  167. -4 votes + -
    Ashamed Said:

    where is the capm reference, i took fin. econ pass fail

  168. +2 votes + -
    Ashamed Said:

    oh i get it now!

  169. -5 votes + -
    CD Said:

    Too long, didn?t read.

  170. -10 votes + -
    seriously? Said:

    What?s CAPM? Really? hahahahahaha

  171. -16 votes + -
    Enough Already!!! Said:

    Bottom line. We do not get paid for our looks. That would be called modeling. We get paid to shred Corporations, and manipulate the value of everything on this planet?.equities,currency, animal, vegetable, mineral?. every-f*cking-thing imaginable! That, to some of us, including myself, is FUN! VERY FUN! If you do not like it, go F yourself and post on another Blog. You dont see me blabbering on some blog about Weezer. I let the dorks living in underground havens in the outer boroughs worry about Weezer. Please have some respect!

  172. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Not buying it?There is no way this is the same author who was able to stimulate my inner banker by conjuring up the phrase ”This is how we do it on Broad and Wall bitches”

  173. +9 votes + -
    Fabian Said:

    Weezer? You just revealed your squareness.

  174. +12 votes + -
    M&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    Enough already! are you a chick banker? because your ranting sounds like the inanely bitter inner repressions of a bitter, butch, slightly overweight girl in a frumpy suit who attended Smith or Vassar and who hates guys like us or the guy down the hall who smells kinda like play-doh and resembles dwight schrute. Or all of the above. Ding ding ding i believe we have winner

  175. +6 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    During and interview for Goldman I mentioned at my interview that I do part-time modeling. My interviewer asked me to send him my book and he was stunned aparently, cuz I got an offer in M&A. My bonus was higher than all the females from my class last year.

  176. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    mbb > banking

  177. +23 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    My buddy did tell me that they hired a eastern european tranny in the m&a dept. last year. She also did part-time modeling. hmmmm?..just a coincidence?.i think??????NOT!!!

  178. +16 votes + -
    WTF Said:

    Analyst life is what it is: you get dumped on in exchange for a huge paycheck. We all have our own reasons for making that trade. What amazes me, though, is how few people stay in this game longer term (5+ years) without having their personality become truly warped. I can?t believe the number of badly-adjusted-bordering-on-unhinged people who work in my group. Just about all the senior people fall into one of two categories: 1. vain, arrogant, incapable of empathy (mostly the males) 2. tense, volatile, constant state of panic (mostly the females) I?m curious if other people observe the same? There?s no way these people were like this when they through the door as analysts, they would have been laughed at! What the hell is it that Wall Street does to people over the course of years and years?

  179. +11 votes + -
    testes testes 123 Said:

    eastern euro bitch: guess what? all the pictures in your ”book” are stuck together and sitting on the floor of the men?s room stall. i particulary liked your A2M work. the double stuff was impressive as well. do all of you eastern block bitches have teflon buttholes or what? an admiring fan, tt123

  180. +30 votes + -
    BofA Analyst Said:

    Do you guys know if any IB?s are hiring right now?

  181. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ok. so what was the unstated finance joke in the costume noted here:”I spotted a guy with a beer bottle taped to his crotch and gave him a look of understanding”

  182. +14 votes + -
    anon Said:

    ha. eastern european chick: there?s no m&a division at gs. nice try.

  183. -12 votes + -
    Enough Already!!! Said:

    To Fabian.. ”Weezer? You just revealed your squareness.” Yes, I am very square, as in Hip to be Square, like Huey Lewis square, and damn proud of it. Continue to listen to some lame underground band, and sport your ironic t-shirts over a long sleeve t-shirt. You are a homo.

  184. +17 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    I hire eastern european chicks by the hour?

  185. +17 votes + -
    monkey Said:

    Hey Eastern European Girl: You certainly didn?t get your bonus based on your English skills. Which Rocco movie were you in again?

  186. -1 votes + -
    beatendocket Said:

    best LSO for a long, long time. congrats.

  187. -1 votes + -
    Nominate me Said:

    Unfortunatley, and this is a rare occurance, I find the comments funnier than the story this week. That?s alright, you are still batting about .750. Still don?t understand the beer bottle taped to the crotch. Anybody willing to enlighten this midwestern huck?

  188. -2 votes + -
    GS PWM analyst Said:

    I think it would be funny if you wrote something about how plebian Fox Business is except for the abundance of money honies present.

  189. +34 votes + -
    UBS Banker Said:

    Have you seen my bonus? Description: 1st year analyst bonus. Approx. 1/2 the size of a similar GS bonus. Stolen some time around October. Thief left a bunch of stock options for a poorly run, low talent, glorified retail bank. URGENT: please contact me immediately if you have any info. I need the bonus to make the the ballooning January payment on my new co-op. Will be forced to give hand jobs in dark alley if I can?t find it. Reward if found: 203-719-5100.

  190. 0 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    you all are just jealous because i work an goldsman sachs and i?m a model. you all are probably so ugly i would never take your small lengths in my butt or mouth.

  191. +9 votes + -
    IBankUWank Said:

    Yo I love fat chicks so working in banking is a key move for me. More cushion for the pushin? yo. Fat chicks are better at giving head anyways.

  192. -4 votes + -
    Rush Limbaugh Said:

    This site fucking sucks. All of you banker shit asses need to get off your dildos and step onto a trading floor.

  193. +4 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    forgot to thank all you bankers who have been spending hundreds of dollar dinners and bottles on me.

  194. +1 votes + -
    Some Guy Said:

    A rather boring read, I?m afraid.

  195. +13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Just to clarify, CAPM stands for Capital Asset Pricing Model. The author?s hat (also known as a cap) with an M on it could be interpreted then as CAPM, which is funny. Much funnier than, say, SOMBREROM or FEDORAM.

  196. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I can?t believe you didn?t write about the craigslist posting!

  197. +10 votes + -
    subdebt Said:

    Hey now, UBS is still getting their shit together on this side of the pond but they?re respectable. Let?s not forget who we?re supposed to make fun of on this board: (1) Wachovia, (2) BofA, (3)Jeffries (too easy?), (4) Bear Stearns. I also enjoy laughing about the existence of Dresdner Kleinwort. But that?s just me.

  198. +14 votes + -
    Goldnut Sacks Said:

    I?ve recently noticed that many of the females I?ve met in banking all share that Skeletor look and are all high strung. Any reason for this?

  199. +3 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    Eastern Europe – when you gonna call me?

  200. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The beer bottle attached to the crotch is a Monkey Business/Gopal in ”How Gopal Mehta Got Paid, Almost Got Laid, and Got Trained” reference, if you will.

  201. +10 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    The reason is cocaine.

  202. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    See the ”How Gopal Mehta Got Paid, Almost Got Laid and Got Trained” story to understand the beer bottle reference. ”?gave him a look of understanding” was a nice literary touch.

  203. +11 votes + -
    UBSucks Said:

    regardless of which way you look at it, UBS has taken a very distinct fall from ”respectablility”. Yes Wachovia and Jeffeires are very easy targets (and quite expoited on this site. BofA and BS are in worlds of trouble right now, but anyone that knows anything realizes they are both better then UBS at this point. In conclusion, 95% of bankers are tools. It really is ashame

  204. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Just to clarify, CAPM stands for Capital Asset Pricing Model. The authors hat (also known as a cap) with an M on it could be interpreted then as CAPM, which is funny. Much funnier than, say, SOMBREROM or FEDORAM. ” WTF is so funny about that?

  205. +1 votes + -
    Jeffries analyst Said:

    Bottles at Tenjune this weekend. That?s how we roll at Jeffries son.

  206. +1 votes + -
    Rush Limbaugh Said:

    ‘forgot to thank all you bankers who have been spending hundreds of dollar dinners and bottles on me.” Don?t worry. In 10 years when your fat, disgusting, and your now cute eastern european hook nose and lanky body looks like shit on a stick, I, my biatch, will not forget to thank you for being such a whore cunt.

  207. -5 votes + -
    Eastern Europe Said:

    Lovin Eastern Europe, wats your number?

  208. -11 votes + -
    Someone who thinks you should kill yourself Said:

    I?m sorry, is this a joke? This is not good writing for one and you are a sad lowly little turd.

  209. -10 votes + -
    Someone who thinks you should kill yourself Said:

    i forgot to tell you, you sound like you?re in the closet.

  210. -1 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    aaaaaaaaaaaa snap, he?s back!!! listen you hater jerk. yea ibankers are all bunch of p***s because they can?t rap like us traders? you see its 3:30pm and my day is already over i?m bout to bounce up outta here, hit the gym, take a nap, drink a red bull and head out to Socialista then to the Box. These dbag bankers will be having lunch while i be bouncin eastern european honeys on my lap, na mean playa? hey by the way? this is a note to the publisher of this site: i?m the one that coined the phrase ”square toe shoes”? see my previous posts? peace in yo crease

  211. +5 votes + -
    Rush Limbaugh Said:

    -not good writing? At least I reference the individual to whom I am refering, you fuck head.

  212. -16 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    Rush Limbaugh, you are so jealous that I am making more than you, and yet, you have to get the bottles at tenjune. and the fact that you will entertain me all night and pay the bottles does not guarantee you that you will go home with me at all. and you are spiteful cuz you know that daddy G. will never let us females look like a shit on a stick unlike your company expensed fat ass.

  213. -6 votes + -
    Aggro Said:

    Man, this was one long boring post. I expected better from you, LSO?

  214. +20 votes + -
    Rush Limbaugh Said:

    I?m sorry, are you refering to somebody else or are you lying? If you saw me you?d lick your chops in hopeless anticipation that I would one day insert my heft into your Staten Island camel toe roast beef of a vagina. I can spot you trailer trash money 2.0 types from my my East 70s home while you?re getting off the subway on the way to douche your ass after a long and hard with Vinny, NYSE floor broker.

  215. +1 votes + -
    anon Said:

    The CAPM reference is a bit lame: could?ve been done with much more subtlety. Foie gras spelled wrong (foie graSS??)- but if done on purpose to start a petty bickering war among douchebag types, then its very clever.

  216. +15 votes + -
    anon Said:

    What is with all Eastern European chicks being total sluts? Good for us guys, but what is the thought process behind saying something like ?take your lengths in my butt and mouth? (Eastern European Girl:November 1st, 2007 at 11:27 am) ? Is it a deep seated sense of insecurity due to ?appearing? part of the mainstream but not really being part of it? Or is it just a lack of ?morals? due to decades of Communist repression and Godlessness?

  217. +18 votes + -
    yet another lady reading this.... Said:

    For all you guys who think that banker chicks are skinny because of Coke, that?s probably true less than 10% of the time. It?s because they are Type-A, which is the classic feeder personality for anorexia?these ladies don?t eat. They diet coke it and smoke. That?s about all the Coke they get. Duh! Anyone that?s from LA originally (like me) can tell you how common anorexia is?and also how common it is in the Ivy League and other feeder schools to banks. And you think you are all such experts on women?. And one more thing?the pear-shape that female banker?s get is best referred to as ”secretary spread” (as in my ass is spreading all over the chair) or you can just say ”three ax-handles” as in ”she?s got an ass that?s three ax-handles wide.” I hope this was edumacational for y?all.

  218. +1 votes + -
    Donut Eater Said:

    I wouldn?t trust my money in the hands of an Eastern European girl. Why then would a big company looking to finance a transaction?

  219. -10 votes + -
    The REAL Eastern European Girl Said:

    Anon: (November 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 pm) – get a life. at that time I was already at Tenjune. I agree, the person who wrote the ”take your lengths in my butt and mouth” does lack morals, and I believe some spoiled American brat wrote it – no foreigner can express themselves in english in that way. Communism trained us well, and thats why we rule the Street, and the Runaway; and Communism made us the new Masters of Universe, the new Swinging Ds. And, Anon, if you plan to spend your Saturday night reading the comments on LSO check this: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119275271073964238.html?mod=home_we_banner_left Otherwise hit me up – tables at Pink El tonight.

  220. +5 votes + -
    wallstreeter Said:

    Replying to (Reply to Anon@ 8:45). That is so true. Many of the idiots who thought they were so ”cool” in high school are now working in grocery stores and fast food joints and they?ll be doing it for life while I?ll be banging some hot educated women. Mow my lawn bitch doesn?t even sum it up. Make my burger bitch and while you?re at it, go valet my car!

  221. -8 votes + -
    R.Kelly Said:

    ‘my body?is callin?for ya?” heavy dilz in yo area son. eastern block euro hoes got smelly pussies?I still penetrate though son. ”ladiez?its ya boyfriend” ~ Kells

  222. -10 votes + -
    Eric Said:

    I love the first part with the gossip girl referense. 14 year old school girl living on the UES at a halloween party!!

  223. +10 votes + -
    CommieBiotchBankers Said:

    killing myself>having a last name ending in -berg>graduating from Brown>working at BofA>having a last name of Patel>letting some chick from Eastern Europe model my deal

  224. +3 votes + -
    Prepster Said:

    ‘The music selection was ? not even the slightest bit 80s. Overall, I was unimpressed.” I love this blog.

  225. +4 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    To REAL Eastern European Girl (November 3rd, 2007 at 1:44 pm): I followed that link you put in your message. It just leads to a dumb story about Russia. Care to explain what it?s supposed to prove?

  226. -6 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    Anon, go f yourself or go spread another model. in excel. since your logic won?t help you spread anything other than that.

  227. +15 votes + -
    The REAL Eastern European Gir Said:

    ok you guys win, i?m just going to do as my fellow comrades and volunteer myself to the pan-asian prostitution ring so that i may suck J for a shot of vodka every day. ??????????????!

  228. +6 votes + -
    Charlie Chaplin's Speech Impediment Said:

    UBS Banker Said: November 1st, 2007 at 10:26 am Have you seen my bonus? URGENT: please contact me immediately if you have any info. I need the bonus to make the the ballooning January payment on my new co-op. Will be forced to give hand jobs in dark alley if I cant find it. Reward if found: 203-719-5100. (203)?they don?t have co-ops in fairfield county?or dark alleys? or handjobs for that matter? remember NIMBY ?

  229. +3 votes + -
    You Know You're Sad When... Said:

    For the first time I?m reading the comments that follow the blog posting, and let me just say how amazed I am at how pathetic you all are for wasting time arguing over who does what. If you guys actually were ?top shelf? mother fuckers you would have better shit to do with your life. P.S. Tenjune is the fucking worst club in NYC. The music is by far the worst there is. If your frequenting such a ?worshipped? establishment is the bar at which you measure yourself, you?re gonna have a sad excuse for a life. Go find a girl/guy who actually fucking gives a shit about you, and do something meaningful with your time. (I?m saying this for your own sake). – Love, BX

  230. +34 votes + -
    Maria Smith Said:

    Who would get the chick at a club? Let?s do the analysis, shall we? Tom Brady vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Tom. Hell, no banker is getting Gisele. Lance Bass vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Lance, even if he?s gay. Bye bye bye, not buy buy buy. Gary Coleman vs. Ibanker? WINNER: What you talkin? about Willis? Hands down, Gary. Dustin Diamond vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Dustin and dirty sanchez all the way. Odds increase with AC Slater and Zach. Physician vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Physician, because you can give free mammograms. Lawyer vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Lawyer, because they actually talk about things other than Finance. Garbage Collector vs. Ibanker? WINNER: Garbage Collector, because at least they know their job sucks.

  231. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Tenjune? Get serious. My clueless analyst goes there. Try spending some time at a place where you can find women with some class?like at Martignetti?s. Bergs and Patels need not apply.

  232. +8 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    The commenter above is just as clueless as his analyst. He is probably a morbidly obese VP with no personality who hasn?t seen any action since junior year of college. ”Women with some class” would never date you, buddy. Stick with hanging out at the office and tormenting the ”Bergs” and ”Patels” because you?re jealous that they?re smarter than you are.

  233. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Cute. Not the greatest, but not bad.

  234. -2 votes + -
    LSJU Said:

    Some of these so-called VPs apparently hit up clubs so exclusive they?re the only ones who know they exist.

  235. -20 votes + -
    Criss Angel Said:

    this column sucks. totally forgets wachovia?s strong M&A and lev fin platforms.

  236. +16 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    This is the most useless post you read all day.

  237. +23 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    But you read it anyway, and voted ”plus”.

  238. +15 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    I like to dis**** girls, did you know I?m utterly in****

  239. -5 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    To Eastern European Girl (November 5th, 2007 at 2:25 pm): Why don?t you use this year?s bonus to buy yourself a sense of humor? Like The REAL Eastern European Girl (see comment on November 5th, 2007 at 4:42 pm)

  240. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous216 Said:

    Marry me. MARRY ME MARRY ME MARRY ME. Here?s a bit about me?formerly a banker chick until the f-ing credit crunch got me laid off. Now I cover the corner of Elizabeth and Prince. It?s not as much money as before, but it helps me maintain the soho studio that every pithy graduating senior dreams about. Marry me. marry me. marry me.

  241. -1 votes + -
    My IRR > yours Said:

    Best post since optimus subprime!

  242. +7 votes + -
    Bearly Surviving Said:

    The pain, the pain? ”Goldman, the biggest and most profitable U.S. securities firm, set aside $16.9 billion to pay salaries, benefits and bonuses in the first nine months of 2007, according to the company?s third-quarter earnings report. The stock market values Bear Stearns Cos., the fifth-biggest firm, at $14.7 billion.”

  243. -7 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    Because, anon, my hefty GS bonus was barely enough to buy yours. Now I have money only for a new H&M dress and can only hope that the black dude outside Stereo agrees to let me in..

  244. +6 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    Eastern European Girl, I?ve found your comments to be extremely humorous. Didn?t know that such insecure people existed, albeit with questionable english grammar skills. That being said, I don?t think any of us want our ”small lengths” anywhere near you.

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