Tuesday, September 4, 2007
The Banker Method
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I was by the bar the other night at Tenjune when I overhead two, back-officey, young Indian guys talking. Perhaps hoping to capitalize on their first time inside a hip club, they chatted strategically, devising about things called “2-sets” and “openers.” At first, I assumed they were talking about whatever dudes like that talk about: database theory, trading systems, and suicide. But then they came to a resolution and walked up to two girls and said something or another. They got shot down, returned to the bar, and, seemingly unphased, decided they’d keep “plowing” together and that soon, they’d fully grasp the “Mystery Method.” The guys then did 4 shots each, began touching each other’s hair and faces while practicing “kino escalation,” and I came to understand that the “Mystery Method” must be something created to facilitate homosexuality. I grew overwhelmingly uncomfortable at the notion of these two dudes parsing through my work emails and promptly had them removed.
Since then, I’ve heard a lot more about The Mystery Method and its creator, a guy named Mystery, so I figured I would conduct a bit of diligence on the subject. Apparently, it’s a methodology for picking up women, and it’s meant to be quite successful. I probed slightly deeper and found a system dedicated to attracting, building comfort with, and seducing girls. The underlying concept is that women are attracted to those who can help them in their need to both Survive and Reproduce, and men can capitalize on this by learning to send out signals of social value, disinterest, and arrogance.
Interesting—essentially, this man Mystery has created a framework to try to make all men more Banker.
It’s no “mystery” that working in finance is the most successful way to pick up chicks–it’s intuitive. I speculate that Mystery originally worked in something like Global Industrials at UBS, where he met guys from other Banks and observed the success and power of The Banker Method. He then left, crippled the game by removing its Wall Street essence, and repackaged it for the average idiot as The Mystery Method. Mystery’s tactics are meant to help people front the very qualities Bankers exude naturally, but unlike normal derivatives, these devices actually lack the leverage of the originals.
Let’s inspect what was lost when going from The Banker Method to The Mystery Method more closely.
Openers
The Mystery Method endorses several different kinds of openers, ranging from functional, “What time is it?” to opinion, “Is kissing cheating?” and direct, “I think you’re cute.” The methods have increasing risk/reward profiles and each requires a different amount of transition to get to “normal conversation.”
In all his material, I was unable to find the only opener I’ve ever had to use: “Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.” The risk is zero, and transition to “normal conversation” is instantaneous, where the phrase “normal conversation” refers to “sex.” Direct, but highly functional. All of Mystery’s canned material doesn’t even come close to capturing the spirit of this single sentence.
Demonstrating Higher Value
Demonstrating social value, or “applying a multiple,” is a big part of The Mystery Method but built-in to The Banker Method. While others need to go to extraordinary lengths to inflate their social value and prove that they are desirable, this is inherently conveyed with the very word “Banker.” Mystery instructs his students to tell stories that involve acts of chivalry, lavish parties, and exotic dancers, but we, luckily, don’t have to do that—our reputation precedes us.
IOI’s
Driving the conversation, leaning in, and touching are all Indicators of Interest from a girl. According to Mystery, upon seeing these, a guy should kiss the girl or otherwise escalate the situation.
Girls tend to be slightly less coy and a bit more retarded about their IOI’s with Bankers. Just the other night, I was dancing with a girl when she pulled me close by my tie, nibbled my neck, and whispered: “Is your fund short, or long?”
The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her, but I played along anyway and told her we were value-based but long-term and invested in a wide range of industries. The financial whiz giggled, and we went home, where my fund promptly transformed into a growth fund, and ultimately, an event-driven one.
Neuro-Linguistic Processing (NLP)
Pick-Up Artists use subtleties in human perception and cognizance to manipulate girls. For example, while telling a story, they might bring up situations where a bed is casually involved, mispronounce words to evoke emotion, or use the phrase “naked truth,” to plant subtle seeds of sexual thought in their target’s brain.
NLP comes a bit more naturally to Bankers. For example, a girl once asked me if I knew her friend who worked sales at JP Morgan. Without thinking, I responded: “JP Morgan? I would never work there, that’s b.low me.”
—
Mystery has built numerous other concepts around Banker behavior, including The Neg, which is intended to briefly disqualify one as a suitor, and Peacocking, which consists of wearing ostentatious and conversation-inducing clothing and accessories. I’ve told girls that they’re too slutty to bring to a work function and worn a deal toy around my neck when going out, but I’ve never classified my actions within such a lame vocabulary. Then again, I’ve never had to.
Other Pick-Up Artists have disparaged The Banker Method, claiming that girls prefer a “mountain climber who plays the electric guitar” and those who “know how to treat them” over guys from Goldman Sachs. What Banker-envy! I treat a bitch like an IRR of 80%–grip it and flip it.
There may be some additional debate over whether The Banker Method is really applicable and better than The Mystery Method given the present market. Fuck that and fuck those quant dudes. Hot chicks don’t watch CNBC (unless it’s to get aroused), so they have no idea what the hell is going on. Guys that work in finance can and will always be able to turn on every type of girl out there except maybe Banker Chicks, who, besides being out of scope, don’t require much more than a tap on the shoulder to get into bed.
Leveraging his stolen pick-up tactics, Mystery has recently managed to land himself a reality show on VH1, where he takes a set of losers and tries to turn them into Master Pick-Up Artists, teaching them his method and eliminating the ones that fail along the way. I can’t help but imagine what this show would be like if the characters were all Bankers practicing The Banker Method. Instead of Pradeep, an Indian nerd on the show the guys at Tenjune must have been emulating, we’d have a young Dinakar Singh, and the openers would change from “Do you floss before or after you brush?” to “Can I break you off a slice of my Bonus?” The field tests would degenerate into full-out orgies, and Mystery and his other instructors would be rendered worthless, now taking lessons from the Bankers and trying not to get eliminated themselves.
I suppose a program like that would be interesting for a few minutes but, in the long run, might not do too well. Reality TV shows are successful when they take ordinary people and put them in extraordinary situations, not the other way around. The Banker Method bringing girls to their knees in a club might not make for the greatest reality TV because…it’s reality.
What's News?
↵ Ex-Investment Banker and pending Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel says America lacks “attention to detail.”
September 4th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Hilarious stuff.
September 4th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Such a method is useless…just show your Diner .
September 4th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Solid work per usual. Can’t wait for the little idiot chimps to start chucking feces at this one.
September 4th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
awesome
September 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
the quality of a man’s suit, not eyeliner/goggles/crass-facial-hair/pirate-costumes, signals to a woman the depth of his resources, and thus his desirability as a conduit for reproduction.
September 4th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
“Can i break you off a piece of my bonus?” bad news chief… that girl was a hooker. better get yourself checked out
September 4th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Yeah… the mystery method helps you land paris hilton… but the banker method only attracts 2 types of women… AAPL’s (will make calls for you, play you music, read to you, show you pictures and entertain you all while looking good and feeling good in your hand) and goog’s (girls who give it all up for free and have an “i’m feeling lucky” button)
September 4th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Nothing gets the girls hotter then when I whip out my Diner’s Club card at Tenjune.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
this is the most boring story i have ever read. not what i’m used to reading from here.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
milk it while you got it. this downturn’s gonna screw our bonuses. btw, yeah it takes a mountain climber who plays the guitar.
September 4th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
People keep talking about their Diner’s Club card.
Are you third tier state school accounting grads serious?
When it’s time to pay (rarely — bartender chicks are allergic to invoicing me) — I reach into the depths of the ticket pocket in my Turnbull & Asser sportcoat (note the initials — T&A, ho’s) and produce a glimmering black card which blinds those around me and sends Big 10 grad project assistant Manhattan chicks who just bought their first Birkin bag on eBay into shock, often requiring adminstration of all manner of smelling salts to bring them back to…right before they come “back to” my crib.
I slap it down with a loud thud into the faux leather bill holder and try to close it — but it can’t close — you can’t hold the Black Card down.
After that, my Black Card does all the work.
Sometimes, the bartender ho who charges me is overwhelmed with embarassment that she just charged me and comps everything — even if it means paying for my tab with her tip money — after which she hands me an invoice that says “$0.00 — Comped — Our pleasure” with her number scribbled underneath in a wobbly, uncontrolled hand.
When the bartender ho still doesn’t get it (or when the bartender is a hipster male — some bar owners just don’t get it), the Black Card levitates out of the bill holder, swipes itself into the computer, bitch-slaps the bartender twice, applies a nominal tip (nominal is 25% for a king like me), and then goes right back into my T&A ticket pocket.
Diner’s Club sounds fun. Maybe I’ll look into it…at around a quarter past never. Till then, it’s African American Express till death, or until the Titanium Card comes out.
Holler back biotches,
the general
September 4th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I’m sure you get laid all the time, considering the fact that you work 80 hrs a week and have time to write blog articles
September 4th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
between a Doctor and a Banker, I don’t need The Banker Method/The Mystery Method to pick a Doctor.
September 4th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Strong as usual
September 4th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Weak followup to last entry, but still better than reading the seamless menu for the 10th time today.
September 4th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
A doctor? Maybe you can have an Organic Chemistry study session together at the NYU dorms.
A Managing Director wins over a M.D. pretty handily. Maybe you can snag a gig in Biotech M&A?
September 4th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
How do you compensate for your not so well endowed Indian penis?
September 4th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Diner’s is your geriatric grandpa’s tired card with an anemic limit. Accepted everywhere that lame losers rock out to John Mayer.
Amex Black for life. The only choice for BSDs.
September 4th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Booooring.
Unfortunately the Banker Method described above left out one important detail. Blow. That’s right, I said it. Blow or whatever name you know it by - happy dust, nose candy, snow, the medellin mixer, star spangled powder, yeyo, dama blanca, Bolivian marching powder or just plain old cocaina. Long known for its ability to give overweight, acne-sporting, pot-bellied, social inepts such as yourself the coca-powered self-confidence to ignore your halitosis and approach women of questionable virtue at seedy analyst hangouts, it has just one redeeming quality - women of questionable virtue absofuckinglutely *love* it. It’s what gives them the brain-numbing sensation it takes to be in the company of dolts such as you. Here’s a tip - offer it around, you don’t have to partake of it yourself. They’ll still put out.
But, why give you advice? You’re obviously a wannabe - that reference to database theory is a dead giveaway. I bet you work in IT at a tier 3, with 50-hour weeks, tons of electronic gadgets hanging under that overslung belly and a raging case of hemorrhoids at age 27. How do you like that commute to JC? Isn’t it a bitch?
Here’s a tip - quit living out these crazy banker fantasies. Your grammar is above average - I’m sure you can do well in middle management in the back office. Not everyone has to work for a BB. There’s honor in all work. Good luck in your future endeavors.
September 4th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Hmm…not your best work…
I’d characterize it as…. SUBPRIME?
September 4th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Jack you bring up a very good point. Hot bitches (of little - fuck questionable - virtue) LOVE that shit. Offer up a little and one of these meat packing obsessed idiots no matter how hot will be bobbing on your bone within the hour.
September 4th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
General Tso,
Another analyst weenie laying out his (and I use the adjective loosely) ignorance for all to see. If he actually had a black card, he’d know it was made of titanium!
Where the fuck do you get off dissing the Diner’s Club card? I bet you wouldn’t qualify for one anyway. Enjoy life in Gold and Platinum land for a while little - nothing wrong with building up that credit.
Funny story about my black card and me. On a roadshow in bumfuck Nebraska, I happened to have a hankering for some fine corn-fed poon. Trying to show off my “I’m a bad-ass M&A mofo but I’m still one of the peeps” cred, I asked this cutie where she’d like to go for dinner. She was nice - she picked a fast-food restaurant whose name rhymes with Mendy’s (rest assured that’s where the similarity ends). We go, I foolishly flash my black card hoping to impress the undies off my date, whereupon the cashier informs me “we don’t take American Express”. Thank God for my unwashed, unused Visa. Lesson learned - don’t flash that black card at people who don’t know what the fuck it is.
Which brings me back to you, fucktard Gen. Tso. Show a little respect for the “bartender ho” - she didn’t comp your drink that night. It was the dude at the end of the bar who thought you were cute and was trying to get you to “holla back”. That number? I wouldn’t call it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
September 4th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
General Tso…The new black card is titanium. upgrade you uncivilized filth!
September 5th, 2007 at 12:50 am
“Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.” Wtf is this? This sounds like a fucking retard practicing in his stained short in front of the mirror.
Overall, this post falls below expectations, especially considering the GREATNESS of the previous one. It’s like the treadmill, it can’t accelerate forever.
Keep it up though, looking forward to the next one.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:29 am
im never returning to this site - crap
September 5th, 2007 at 4:10 am
“In all his material, I was unable to find the only opener I’ve ever had to use: “Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.”
Gotta be the funniest line I’ve read on here.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Haha. I’ve seen you bankers at work at Ulysses at happy hour — You guys couldn’t pick up a basketball that rolled between your legs. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve strolled through there and escorted out the hottest chick — and I’m practically unemployed. Once a nerd, ever a nerd; girls can sense this and you can’t spend your way out of it. Keep the dream alive!
September 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am
maybe the Diner’s club guy meant dinero? either way, still a tool
September 5th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Good shit, amusing as always, the self-deprecation is the best part, though clearly gets lost on some.
Jack, great posting, accurate shit, love the slapdown on General Tso. Wonder how many of the snot-nosed 25 year olds on here recognized the original source of the last sentence of your last posting.
Style, you’re a fucking geek. The fact that you think that aapl and goog shit was funny shows that you are either a slightly geeky 23 year analyst who had that little ticker-play-on-word joke emailed to you from one of your former college roommates, or else you are an even geekier 30 year old motherfucker whose sense of humor is about as funny as a 1983 Jerry Lewis movie. Now get back to work before you get fired in the first round of layoffs next week pigboy.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Best work yet.
“The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her”
It makes me happy to know that people will actually say this.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
hilarious.
having been hit on way too many times with lines taken verbatim from the book, i welcome anything but the mystery method.
the banker method is my cup of tea - arrogance, elitism, vanity & witty sarcasm. damn, it kinda reminds me of…me.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
PE chick you see a cube in the middle of the desert. How big is the cube?…
September 5th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I wouldn’t mind fucking pe chick in the cornhole after a night of her buying me $22 stoli O and redbulls at the Pen-Top, just to rid her of a bit of her arrogance, if nothing else
September 5th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
West coast, no - east coast, no - chicago.
ONCE AGAIN, FUCK OFF YOU AMERICAN CUNTS.
I’ll make a wild guess. This thread will result in 250+ comments. east vs west. I’m a gangsta. My school rocks. yours sucks. YAWN
September 5th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Stoli-O and Redbull? My friend, you must wear alot of hair gel and have a gold cross and had a nextel in high school and I could go on in this manner for days. You’re trash. Simple and plain, there is no other way to put it. Women that work in PE do not go home with greased up, chicken parm eating, back waxing retards that drink stoli-o and redbull. This isn’t the True Life: I’m A Staten Island Guy message board. What I suggest is that you take a cab over the Verrazano, get dropped off at home, grab the keys to your ‘01 Honda Civic with the vanity plate, “Doitupnice”, turn that baby on and place a hose between the exhaust pipe and the cracked driver side window. Then, get in the car, put on the latest Webster Hall album and let the noxious fumes kill you. That or just take a bath with the toaster, your choice, just die, please.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
word.
well said thundercock.
women in PE are alcoholics. if i’m going to kill my liver, i aint doing it with a stoli-o, watever the hell that is
September 5th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Wow, I am amazed that a PE firm would even hire a chick, let alone one stupid enough buy a drink for a guy who would order a stoli-o and think its classy. Hitting on what the guy above me said, you cant take a piece of trash and put it in a 3000 suit and try t hide it, it will still reak of shit. Moreover, could anyone tell me what the hell indians are doing hitting on women in the first place?
September 5th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Do some due dilli, Discover cashback card son… ha, jk.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
i personally like “mountain climber who plays an electric guitar” circa 1994, Wu-Tang Clan, 36 Chambers
September 5th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I am god! Have any of you ever been penetrated?
September 5th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Additionally, has everyone forgotten that there are a ton of bankers in NYC and a ton of filthy rich guys trying to swing their dicks around? Props to the guys who have contributed these sweet stories that help me start the second part of my day when all of my friends are getting home, but banker game takes more than a fucking black card, it takes style and class and the look. I dont care how rich you are, if you are ugly you will not get the same ass i will. Concurrently, if you cannot speak to women you will not get the same ass. There is a package that women are looking for and it cannot be replicated by a fag who has been trained or a dickwad who was a fucking nerd his whole life and now that he has the logo of an IB on his card thinks he is magical. The skills, craft, dress and attitude associated with banker game are inherent traits that are only magnified and perfected by our incredible bonuses and lavish lifestyles. If it is not there to start it cannot be acquired or taught. The end and goodnight children, this was your bedtime story.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
pencilcock, you couldn’t be more incorrect in your guess. My observation is that you are such an uptight, muscle atrophied, office-prone wanker motherfucker that when you do finally leave your cubical at 11 at night, you rush out, grab two Chivas and sodas at some of the finest taverns Murray Hill can offer, fall asleep talking about IRRs and how much money Stephen Schwartzman made this year, and one of your wimpy, limp-wristed friends finally throws you in a Towncar with his pocket full of vouchers, hoping you’ll make it ok to your shitty Murray Hill 17th floor, apartment with fake parquet floors and all. You fall into bed, without brushing your teeth, try and rub one out thinking about Mary Jane Crotchenstein from your 1st year muni bond class, and can’t quite even get it up. As for PE girl, my offer still stands, I’d love to give it to you in a way your little cubemate pals could only hope to, right up your keester, and then have you take it all and clean me off concurrently. Staten Island that bitches.
September 6th, 2007 at 7:08 am
In a few more posts down - someone will diss Georgetown. From there, someone will call John Hopkins the super shittiest school of all time; remember gentleman, only Harvard will do.
Which will lead to firing of insults at PE, Hedge Funds, and Quants in general. From there, all hell will break loss with occasional stories of “how you tapped an italian hottie” interplaced here and there.
Why does everyone have such a “need” to share their stories of conquest? Petty children.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:15 am
A. Ready?, pal, do you watch alot of Lifetime? Finance is all about conquest. Why wouldn’t the men who work in finance live their lives by the same credo? You’re probably work the stock room of some disgusting used bookstore in the village and talk to women, but never hit on them because you respect them so much. Well let me tell you something dude, if you don’t use it, you get AIDs. Think about it.
B. Mr. Staten Island Turnpike 2007,
The next time I want to read a comment that regurgitates all the jokes from every other post on this blog, I’ll be sure to ask my seven year old brother to give a book report of sorts on the LSO. Was it hard going to C.W. Post? Did you use Wikipedia for every paper? When you got the clap sophomore year did you go to Planned Parenthood to cealr it up or did you just spray Axe on “yo sh*t” to make it feel better? Listen “bro”, I feel terrible that your second cousin Vinny that works in the mailroom at Wachovia could only get you an interview for a Data admin. job out of school. It’s alright, not everyone can grow up a Gotti, some of you guys have to work.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Robo-D… just leave, you JP Marlin motherfucker. Thundercock wins the thread.
I assume you picked this up the word “keester” in 6th grade at whatever public school you attended. Please, keep it to yourself in the future. You’re not helping your case here.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Wow, seriously why the fuck do people come to a sight to hate on its greatness! Lets see where to start….hmmm…well i guess we should start with the fact that conquest is what makes the world turn and what has driven men to greatness and to the pinnacle of its being. Everything great has emerged from one man deciding that this isnt enough for me and wanting to do something about it. TC is right, seriously Ready? you were one of the kids who was cut from the 6th grade football team and never recovered and is no relegated to a life of mediocrity, self loathing and masturbating in the janitors closet on your “smoke break.” And can people from that giant land fill please quit posting shit, you are given away by your lack o wit, as well as your horrible vocabulary and grammar. You cant even hide your sorry ass behind a computer…pathetic
September 6th, 2007 at 10:43 am
don’t fool yourself - they mystery method (and all the other similar techniques) are identical to the prototypical banker method. they’re just much more specific on how to develop arrogance, sarcastic back-handed humor, and body language.
September 6th, 2007 at 11:48 am
M&A 10:42,
And I quote:
“Wow, seriously why the fuck do people come to a SIGHT to hate on its greatness!…And can people from that giant land fill please quit posting shit, you are given away by your lack O wit, as well as your HORRIBLE VOCABULARY and GRAMMAR.”
I knew you were just riding Ralph’s coattails back when you were in my class. At least his sentences were semi-coherent. Also, Homer cut you from the football team in favor of using Milhouse instead. We had no idea you would be getting it on with Willy in the closet. May he RIP, he died from syphilis this past May.
Regards,
Ms. Krabappel
September 6th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Georgetown sucks. Ditto for Chicago.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Pencilcock, you are nowhere near as witty as you think, you are a mouse of a man, who loves nothing more on a Friday night than to post “Male looking for Males” ads on Craigslist, hoping to be lucky enough to toss the salad of a couple of brothas from Bed-Stuy. When that doesn’t happen, you jump on this site, self-promote yourself as the man you wish you were, and jerk yerself to sleep, falling into that all-too-comfortable fetal position you’ve become accustomed to whenever life has got you down.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I don’t think I am witty. I think that you think that I think I am witty, but I can’t be too sure because all I think when I read what you write is what you’re probably thinking as you write it, “I like prosciutto”.
September 6th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Yo… Style… is that you ? If so - ladies and gents we have one of the OG PUAs right here….
Personally I think you should combine a variety of methods… that way you get to bag a smorgasbord of chicas… but hey - what do I know… I’m only well on my way to triple digits in the notch on belt dept…
September 6th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Robo, you lose. game over son. TC has already destroyed you.
September 6th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
mention your prep school and you’re in
September 6th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Seems like they let lose a bunch of kindergarten kids. What’s next guys?? ‘My shit smells sweeter than yours’, eh??
September 6th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Personally, I’ve always been more attracted to philosophy phds. Theirs is an arrogance and intellect that the banker’s, “Bitch, I work in finNance,” never quite captured. You work in finance? I used to as well! And it was effin’ dull. The most fun to come out of it has been the self-deprecating camaraderie that websites like this one promote.
Anyway, let this be a lesson: the only green light that popular pickup line (”I work in finNance”) gives is one to take me out to dinner and to pay for my cab ride home–alone. I recommend you kids take some art history courses or something. Oh you know what? Those philosophy CDs that are advertised in “The Economist” summarizing all the greats? Yeah–buy some of those. At least you’ll have something interesting to contribute to dinner conversation (we hope).
Besides, in my experience, philosophy phds really do have bsds.. whereas the finance guys… well, I’ve been unimpressed. Well, at least you’re all a rung above doctors and lawyers (unless they’re the doctors-without-borders / constitutional law kind)
And thundercock–really? Thundercock? Oh let it be true. But yes. Good work on defending the female honour (as if any woman would ever order Stoli-Os and Redbulls for some be-gelled kid who didn’t know any better).
September 6th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Why do you hate each other and your life so much?
September 6th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Philosophy PhDs… lmao.
Anybody: “Get a job!”
Philosophy PhD: “Hmm…Why?”
September 6th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
sounds like someone got stuck in a relationship with a dirt-poor philosphy phd. damn that sucks.
September 7th, 2007 at 12:19 am
–@M&A-the mybankroll is for, the a is for arrogant, “Moreover, could anyone tell me what the hell indians are doing hitting on women in the first place?”
— ummm coz you are so freakin brain-dead that you needed us ( yeah, I am Indian) to find the little start button on Windoze?
hmm, you must be one of those ‘Finance’ people who we ( yeah in IT) lovingly call a ‘retard’
Save your hate for the ‘other’ brown folks ( you know who;), asshole. You mess with these brown folk, next thing you know you are kissing your Indian-software-$$-brown-son-in-laws-a$$ for a couple of million to pay off your gambling debts. peace and brown love, cocksucker
September 7th, 2007 at 1:25 am
i finally recognised the desparation in your utterances - you guys are the ones trying to sell us more bloomberg terminals - wankers
September 7th, 2007 at 8:40 am
why would you advocate a dead-weight girlfriend whose only occupation is to consume what you’ve earned?
besides, philosophy phds have family money ;p
September 7th, 2007 at 10:03 am
the only PHDs unimpressed female dates are those with Playa Hater Degrees, unemployed chumps who can’t ball like da rest of us… gyea!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
eh, not one of your better postings
September 7th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
ive been in the big apple since july now and all i have to tell girls is my base and that i work for wachovia capital markets.
boo-yah! sutton place to my place 15 min later - holler!
September 7th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Hahahaha! yea you go home crying because they laugh in your face! Wachovia…wachovia..wait please tell me you are kidding? Am i delirious from doing real work all day? Philosophy phd’s are the slapdicks who majored in philosophy in undergrad because they were retards, said o wait i think maybe i will go to law school and then failed to get in and now work at half price books and contemplate suicide
September 7th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
The Amex Black Card is prestigious? Is this some sort of salvia-induced 1980s flashback?
Note to the posers: Patrick Bateman is actually intended to be a socially inept loser, not a smooth operator. His violent tendencies directly stem from his lower-middle social standing among his friends who, while being vapid and useless, are all he has. If you really don’t understand it, then cut the Bateman schtick, kids.
September 8th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Super stuff; keep it up.
I’m always surprised at the apparant lack of irony in the comments posters seemingly trying to prove just HOW good they are at Banking (either that or the subtlely is superb guys…). If you were actually even vaguely serious bankers: you’d be thinking over whether Helicopter Ben’s gonna give us 25 or 50; not about where you go Balling.
September 8th, 2007 at 8:52 am
for those who participated in the dialogues of the last threads, i feel your pain. this one completely sucks: not a single funny or witty post, no biting sarcasm, nothing. only the shit splatterings of near brain dead first year analysts who still think they are paid what ever nominal number (which is of course more than anyone else in their family ever pulled at any age) is significant and that they actually matter. you have no job in pe waiting for you and no hedge fund will want you.
you will be the first ones out when the head cuts come. after they are done with the structured fin desks, they are coming for everyone in your class but the top ranked analysts and associates. i know this song and i’ve seen the dance. get your resume ready and stop spending your money bc you’ll find that outside of ib you’re pretty much un-hireable.
September 8th, 2007 at 10:04 am
respek to brown from brown. Keep it real, boi.
wharTON BSDesi
September 8th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
unimpressed female is a retarded hypocrite.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE MASKING SOME SERIOUS INSECURITY WITH ALL THAT STUPID MALE “I’M A BANKER” BRAVADO BULLSHIT. IF YOU TRULY BELIEVED IN YOURSELF, YOU WOULD NOT NEED TO PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN AND MAKE FUN OF THE THEM IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!! (BY THE WAY, NEVER MISTAKE SOMEONE’S IGNORANCE WITH STUPIDITY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOUR INDUSTRY DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE STUPID. MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR INDUSTRY EITHER.) AND, AS A WOMAN, I FIND MYSTERY TO BE A COMPLETE LOSER. HE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL TOOL. NEITHER I NOR ANY OF MY GIRLFRIENDS FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE. HE LOOKS LIKE A LOSER WITH A 4 INCH PENIS WHO MAKES UP FOR IT BY TRYING TOO HARD TO LOOK “COOL”.
September 8th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
damn desi bankers are so annoying, back office or front office, dont matter - they all try way too hard. ya’ll gotta try to fit in, and that means can’t act all overzealous
September 8th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Oh, you silly new money (read: former poor). Nothing, not even your titanium Black Card, is going to bestow you with enough cache to shake your base roots and that dirty prole blood that courses through your veins. I don’t believe I saw any of you, or even your MDs, on Fishers Island this summer. Its always easy to spot you disgusting try-to-bes by your tasteless money flaunting and vulgar inability to maintain a conversation without bringing up “My latest LBO deal, DUDE!”
Here’s a hint, no one likes a social climber - embrace your station in life and make sure that Manhattan you bring me has NO BITTERS this time.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
First, I want to say I love your website, you are sooooo funny! The thing you wrote last week about a break in the tracks, we have the same thing in fashion merchandising! Well, not exactly, but buyers are like analysts, and designers are like associates, and getting sent to Paris to powwow with new designers is like business school… Finally, being able to write at a Fashion magazine is our Mecca, like P.E. is for you (not literally for you Indian bankers, this message isn’t directed toward you, we only like WASPs)
Second, me and my girlfriends just LoVe Bankers, so ignore everything the above twit said! You guys are the last modern warrior, well… Army Rangers… Navy Seals, but really - what girl likes sweaty jacked guys, and anyway, they all look like sissies compared to a Investment Banker all suited up at Caine on a Friday night.
Also, you guys are exactly right about Philosophy Ph.D.s. Me and my girlfriends took a few out last week, and ICKY, what a terrible date. They can’t hold up a conversation like Ohio state guys can, Bankers have it down! When we bring up the new Dolce bag, you guys know exactly what we are talking about! “Yah, I totally bought that same bag for the last girl I fucked. Play your cards right, we can go shopping tomorrow!” I love shopping!!!
Anyway, to summarization my point, Bankers are the only real men left in NYC. No one wants to talk about boring things like where the world came from, or why we are here. Fashion and bankers already know why we’re here; to spend money, DUH!
-Fashonista Out
September 8th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Why is Banker Lover hanging out (or pretending to hang out) with ohio state schmucks? sounds like you’re rolling with institutional sales or something equally demeaning.
and here’s some more georgetown bashing…
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/09/business/yourmoney/09stra.html?ref=business
September 8th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Banker Lover eh? May I say all signs point to an OSU tranny banker wannabe?
Let’s sift the evidence shall we? “Anyway, to summarization my point, Bankers are the only real men left in NYC” - Do women who aren’t planning an appearance on Maury Povich actually use the phrase “real man”? No woman educated past an associates degree from ITT or DeVry should be making references to “real man”. Ergo, we are either dealing with a female juvenile (on a banker/wanker blog? unlikely, my dear Watson) or a shanghai surprise from Columbus OH.
The dead giveaway? “to summarization” - OSU is a 3rd rate state school. Where else would such poor grammar originate? Definitely not at one of the Seven Sisters, who though they provide an endless supply of dimwits to NYC’s fashion industry, drum enough grammar in them to keep them from having to report alumna employment at McDs or BK.
Finally, what real banker is going to fess up to knowing WTF a Dolce bag is? Seriously, we don’t fuckin’ care - just take the card, buy your shit and make sure you look good enough to take to the MD’s place in CT for that barbecue. Oh yeah, don’t show up MD’s wife or my ass is grass.
The clincher - as any Ivy Leaguer will tell you, OSU is the first school of choice for ladyboys.
Discuss
September 8th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Welcome to LSO, where irony is wasted…
September 9th, 2007 at 1:15 am
lmao…. all this talk and dissing about OSU from losers who know nothing about the scene… first off, OSU has the HOTTEST girls in the country… for losers who dont know, the headquarters of victoria’s secret and abercrombie and fitch are based there… Columbus, OHIO pretty much sets the fashion standard for intimate apparel and barely legal wear in the USA…
i was there for 5 days for work and let me tell you… i’ve lived in LA and NYC and the east and west coast cant compare to the quality of midwest biatches… there is nothing like taking home a girl who works for victoria’s secret and her roommate who works for abercrombie… da minute da dogg went home with them, it was a fucking fashion show…bras and panties flying everywhere…
btw, da dogg, didn’t bag them by saying I worked in FINANCE nor PE… i told them i worked in BIZ DEV for COACH and thats all it took for my 3some…
frankly, NYC biatches are stale and played out…
September 9th, 2007 at 6:42 am
Concering the few female posts, can’t image they are real, no female would ever read such a site I’d say…
September 9th, 2007 at 11:23 am
to dpg:
i would imagine that after all of the chelsea boys you’ve known, your asshole is stale and played out…
best,
tt123
September 9th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
dogg pound-
i love how every dumbass who brags about midwest and southern girls routinely has to cite the state school. well no shit, college girls are hot. dumb college girls are even hotter. but go 20 miles (or less) away from the college and you’ll be bombarded with muffin tops, cellulite, and flab. people in th midwest and south are fucking OBESE and UGLY.
i lived in a southern state for years. you quickly learn that white girls in that part of the country become wretched fatties after age 26. (britney spears anyone?)
September 10th, 2007 at 6:51 am
“The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her, but I played along anyway and told her we were value-based but long-term and invested in a wide range of industries. ”
This is why I return to this site.. so perfect.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Uru,
You’re an idiot. It’s a well-known fact that the south and midwest have the hottest girls in the country. I’ve been to NYC many times and was disgusted with the women I saw. Have fun with your B&T skanks at Marquee while we hook up with hot natural chicks. You NYC douchebags are downright delusional. LOL!
September 10th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Uru is right on point with the cellulite and flab observation. But college chicks are hot for sure.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Has anybody heard anything about an IB in Omaha, Nebraska?
September 10th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
pe chick, you are incredible. how do I get in touch with you?
I work in PE too for a mid market firm…
September 10th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey Banker Lover (and Fashionista),
Glad to know where our priorities lie… I think we’re looking for the same… I work in PE and love girls in fashion. How can we connect?
September 10th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
oh god that was priceless!
September 10th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Again with this turf war nonsense. I feel like I am watching TBS and they are playing the same Seinfeld for the 90th time, if by Seinfeld you mean Chicago and the midwest trumpeting the cleanliness and pulchritude of their women. Yes, great you have cornfed white women, but without a coast and beaches on which to watch them in their bikinis, what is the point? You want props for producing beauitful women and being unable to keep their interest? That’s awesome dude, sounds like Croatia. So now that you’re like Croatia, when are you guys going to start driving Citroen coupes and gang raping goats? Is that the message you want to send about Chicago? That you’re a bunch of guys that like going DVDA on unsuspecting goats?
September 10th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
chicago -
you’re a fucking retard. the midwest is full of lard-asses with cottage cheese thighs. it’s a verifiable statistic that the fattest cities in america are in the midwest. and yet somehow you feel these girls are also the hottest in America? what’s wrong with you, dude?
i have a sense that you’re gauging the midwest’s talent by the 21-25 year old white recent college grad subset, who currently still have a tight body. i can guarantee you that those kind of midwest chicks will fall apart on you in just a few years.
if the same girl went to USC and is now living in hollywood or malibu, she’ll still be smoking hot.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Yes, we read this site and yes, we judge you by your suits.
You read THE GAME to get in our pants, we read sites like this to get in your heads so we can decide whether we’ll want to let you in our pants. Girls are way more strategic than guys because we just better understand the power of social dynamics.
Despite what you might think, Finance is not the ultimate teacher of power. Men like conquest and women like exploiting that tendency. Social power, which contributes much to seduction, is simply part of a girl’s education.
M&A (Mybankroll & Arrogant): I am already attracted to you. We would be a disaster.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
hey girl who actually reads this site - are you a happy fatty from Chicago or a sad slut from New York?
September 11th, 2007 at 1:26 am
Some of your best shit yet.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:52 am
Where is Chicago located exactly?
September 11th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Santa Monica girl in Chicago (for b-school) who is not among the “fall apart” in the next few years crowd. We see plenty of you GAMERS out in Southern California. It’s lame. Much like you, LBO.
Still, I love reading this site. It’s hysterical.
September 11th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Brilliant post dude. u nailed it. keep em coming
September 11th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Whatever you’re so full of shit. No one is from Santa Monica. Santa Monica is the place where cute, but not pretty, midwest girls endup when they move to Southern California. I’m sure you’re already developing that ring of belly fat.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
elitist is a fucking retard or an Iowa state econ grad. george washington is not the same as georgetown as you claim from your post/NYT article reference. go prepare that pitchbook for your jeffries VP, you fucking clown.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Ooh, so charming! Are you always this lovely with girls you don’t know? Your argumentative nature says a lot. Where I’m from (California) and where I live (Chicago) and where I’ve worked (Chicago/New York) is not worth debate. This is the Internet, buddy, and generalizations just show your lack of worldliness.
Moving on…
September 11th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Girl who actually reads this site,
I generally try to refrain from participating in the babble around these parts, but I felt compelled to step in this time. Assuming you actually visit this site more than once per week, specifically for the comedy that is the comment thread, as I do, what you are missing, or possibly simply neglecting to mention, is that guys don’t need to be strategic. Social dynamics work in our favor.
We are on any given night after a different end and therefore employ different means. Being single in Manhattan is like participating in an efficient market. If I can employ a random walk theory to this market, then think of my suit as an unlimited supply of darts to throw at the business section that is any bar in the city. Simply by showing up, I am virtually assured of at least earning market returns.
Or let’s think of the situation in Black Swan terms. Every glance, every smile is a small option position, where I am hoping to reap an astronomical return from very little upfront investment. The odds of meeting a woman who is actually worth any significant emotional, financial, or temporal investment is so hopelessly low that I feel it is irresponsible to bother with the effort that such investment would entail.
There are those of us to whom “The Banker Method” (or whatever “game” a guy might choose to employ) comes naturally. I am not referring to guys from old money, hedge fund honchos, or any other kind of douchebag who derives his sense of personal value from superficial measurement against others. I mean guys like me, guys who just don’t give a shit what you think. I’m only wearing my suit because I have no desire to go home and change for anyone’s benefit other than my own, and that is why you are attracted to me. That, and my shoes, the true measure of a well-dressed man.
Why does posting this comment make me want to take a shower?
Hilt
September 11th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
If it’s middle market I wont be bothered; the middle market guys are cute, but they’re just a little bit smaller than the guys I’m used to. Alpha minuses need not apply. If you still fit the description we can arrange something.
Anonymous (for Banker Lover) Said:
September 10th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey Banker Lover (and Fashionista),
Glad to know where our priorities lie… I think we’re looking for the same… I work in PE and love girls in fashion. How can we connect?
September 11th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
georgetown is not the same as GW. stop insulting GW.
September 11th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Great Success! I come to US and A to go to George Walther Bush University and to make learnings about wall streets.
In my country we have many problem - economy, social and banker. I very happy to see retard have escape from cage and found job in bank. So many prostitute. Happy times!
I like you - do you like me? I like sex… How much to make love explosion on chest of Banker Lover? We make sexy time and get hand-relief party?
September 11th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Reading these posts makes me realize that in joining the ranks of bankers, I will be giving up everything I have enjoyed for the last three years of my phenomenal big 10 education, trading in mid-western “corn-fed” girls gone wild grade ass for NYC blow whores at tenjun or wherever i will be paying for 3 bottles so i dont have to wait in line with the staten island guidos…
so on that note, the only thing to look forward to is taking my “wad” of cash in form of bonus check taxed up the ass by our government back to school where I will get an MBA and meet more lovely undergrads who have not yet had the chance to collect std’s from bankers and proceed to make one my wife, with whom i will raise children who will be strictly instructed by me to stay away from the world of finance all together…
September 11th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Post was a bit weak. Ohio chicks, come on…. That makes no damn sense.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
B. Sagdiev - Dude, are you who I think you are? IB at ML?
September 12th, 2007 at 12:57 am
Testes, very prescient, considering all the times i’ve humiliated your sorry ass rhetorts, my fingers are played out…
To all da losers with the “midwest has fatties comments”… think before you post… who da fuck would even talk to da fatties… as far as i’m concerned, they don’t exist in my eyes, because i turn a blind eye to them… but, if you even notice them, then good luck and keep throwing out your ” i have a question for you, do you nip or tuck routines”… i’m sure that’s helped you bag some former fat married, upper east side biatch who lives by da scalpel and lipo…
“excuse me… were you saying something?…uh uh you can’t tell me nothing… till you get your money right…”
don’t ever fix your lips with collagen… and say something you’ll end up apologizingggg…
i’m livin da good life… gyea!
September 12th, 2007 at 1:13 am
ORU… you blind fuck… i quoted a state school because da losers above me quoted it… keep noticing da fatties in your hoood… holla back with a better response when you actually fuck your first FAT white girl… hmmm, too much to ask of you…. any FAT Porker will do… hard for you i know… but, try hitting up HBS come February, after Natasha puts on 30 pounds, drinks herself silly, puts on that hideous LV bag on her head and gives you a hand job, while fantasizing about Schwarzman… it’s still not a white girl, but we’ll excuse your post, since it’s your first non-self-induced release (if you even can release)….
September 12th, 2007 at 7:33 am
anonymous Said:
September 11th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
“georgetown is not the same as GW. stop insulting GW. ”
Hah! Georgetown sucks!
September 12th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Yes yes the great pimpmeister general is back and in full wreckin effect
September 12th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I love it when guys use jokes from movies, especially movies that have been butchered for months. Nicely done Sagdiev, you are to lacking originality what KY is to promiscuity. Did you huff a whole gallon or a half gallon of paint this morning?
September 12th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
i think we can all agree that because neither georgetown nor gw is in the ivy league, georgetown and gw both suck. keep defending mediocrity. idiots.
September 12th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Not that I give a sh*t one way or the other, but looking at this and past years US News rankings, it would appear that plenty of Ivy leaque schools have fallen from grace, Brown, Cornell, Dartmouth????..pitiful.
Whats all this hype about Ivies anyways??? Plenty others kick their ass….sh*t Lehigh is #31, and I dont hear Joe Perella whining.
September 12th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Georgetown is by far more selective than Brown, Cornell and Penn….GW sucks…end of story….stop yer yappin’ about banking and move abroad on an EXPAT deal from an energy company and make real money..Seuid Afrika!!!
p.s HOYA SAXA!
September 12th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Georgetown is by far more selective than Brown, Cornell and Penn….GW sucks…end of story….stop yer yappin’ about banking and move abroad on an EXPAT deal from an energy company and make real money..Seuid Afrika!!!
p.s HOYA SAXA!
September 12th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
dpg,
who actually uses “pimpmeister”? also, “rhetort” isn’t a word. retort is though so allow me to retort:
pull your tranny girlfriend’s meat out of your mouth and get back to your model before your MD puts his foot in your ass.
best,
tt213
September 12th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
To Ivy League,
Apparently you went to a state school. We aren’t defending mediocrity: it’s a known fact that GW sucks, but it’s commonly been argued on this site that Georgetown is of pedigree. Therefore, the statement, “georgetown is not the same as GW. stop insulting GW” is witty. I put it in plain terms so your publicly educated mind can grasp the humor.
September 12th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
To SA Hoya,
I agree with you–if by selective you mean that they accept far less intelligent people than the Ivies.
best,
GS
September 12th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Wanker - what means wanker? Yes - I from Merrill and Lynch - how you know? Is niiiice. I from GWU class of “pain in my hassociates” 2006
anonymous at 9:46 am : Give me a smile, baby, why angry face?
September 12th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Great post!
“Not that there is anything wrong with that…” fantastic timing
September 12th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Georgetown is the new equities in Dalls.
September 12th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Georgetown is the new equities in Dallas.
September 12th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Look, enough with the “equities in Dallas” line - we get it. You’ve read Liar’s Poker and think of youself as a BSD.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to actually work on an equities sales desk in Big D, having to hear the same shit every time I call the desk in NYC?!!!
The next time I hear one of you dumbass NYC bankers lay that line, I swear I will track you down, shove a cowboy boot up your behind spurs and all. You have been warned!
September 13th, 2007 at 6:50 am
agreed. equities in dallas is played.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:54 am
To Girl who actually reads this site:
Thank you for the flattery. Amazingly I do agree with most of what you said. To start, I believe that there are only a very few women out there who possess both the physical and mental capacities to play games with guys in Finance. To clarify however, when I say guys in Finance, I am referring to the upper echelon of Finance and not the pore pathetic individuals relegated to menial duties with excel or even IB guys who recently emerged from there dark dorm rooms after 4 years of playing world of war craft, I am referring to guys who have the complete package. I imagine that you are attractive, because lets face it if you are fat or ugly, you probably wouldn’t even know what IB is because you would either have your head buried in ice cream much like ostriches burry their heads in the sand, in fear and disgust that they are powerless to face the world. Moving on, when girls try to play games, it has become an unfortunate fact that most girls who play them ultimately get consumed by them and then the roles get reversed. One of 2 things will happen, a girl will meet a guy who is naturally inclined to be a dick, and he will do something to peak her interest, be it insult her, ignore her or even flatter her, and she will believe that this is the perfect guy to play games with. However, little does she know, he will destroy her self worth little by little, leading to a disaster only rivaling the collapse of LTCM. Or 2, she will find a nice guy, try to play games, he will get pissed and leave her and she will be devastated. Either way games are for kids and day traders. Believe me when you see someone like me who walks into a room, is wearing a suit not because he hasn’t had time to change, but because he likes the feel of luxury brushing against his skin, and then has the looks to match, because he hasn’t been sitting in a cube doing comps all day, but instead has a glow and particular aura from his regular departure for lunch 3 hours early so that he can stop at the club to play racquetball, get a shoe shine and then gets back in time for a closing, you would not want to play games, you would want to just play.
We might be a disaster, i can be contacted at m_and_a_baby@yahoo.com for more life lessons.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:08 am
I’m graduating from Tennessee-Chattanooga in December, can anybody forward my resume on to your MD? I’m thinking GS, Ren Tech or KKR.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:17 am
haha you work equities in dallas
September 13th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Dear Hiring Manager,
I work at the UBS equities desk in their Dallas office. I don’t have acne, I am fairly goodlooking, weigh 123lb and 5′7′’ tall. I am with green eyes and ash brown wavy long hair.
I am interested in working at MS at your exotics derivatives desk in NYC. I know I will be very successful there!
I will forward my resume on request. Thank you in advance.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
September 13th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
‘Georgetown sucks’ is 100% right in his post about GW and georgetown. his name is correct as well.
September 14th, 2007 at 12:21 am
testes,
it’s obvious you are so used to your MDs correcting your nits on decks… how else would you notice my use of the extra h in retort?…nice to notice that my #2 fan (besides to dpg of course) is best at what he does…
i’ve been back with my models ever since i returned to nyc from Ibeza… i’m guessing you noticed me at Cain or Marquee with Adriana, Alessandra, and Izabel… thanks for the admiration…keep up your spell check skills and i may introduce you to them one of these days…
i’ve yet to see any rhetorts (oooops “retort”, good catch testes, you may take over to dpg as my ace yet, but keep dreaming)… about my fatty comments… perhaps, it’s what every loser on this site aspires to be? and what every girl who posts on this site is ashamed to admit?
PE chick, unimpressed… where you at?… it’s ok to not respond…. that means u are in full agreement…
September 14th, 2007 at 12:39 am
Dallas is da shit… hands down the best strip clubs in the country are in Big D… D boyz, keep up your shit… any NYC MORON who’s blown his 1st year bonus on Scores is jealous that you guys took home the hottest strippas in da country with a couple of dollas and at most 1 order of Vitamin water…
September 14th, 2007 at 5:58 am
Damn DPG - be a good playa and admit you got smacked down by testes testes. Anything you say to defend yourself now just sounds like whining.
Let it go “dawg”, let it go.
September 14th, 2007 at 6:22 am
Hey Gglick,
Ordinarily I’d be pissed off and on the 7:12 DFW-JFK to put my ostrich-skins up your behind. But, your probably not even in NYC - I bet you work for middle office at Suntrust in Atlanta. As bad as ‘equities in Dallas’ has been for me, it still beats matching trade tickets in Atlanta.
So get on your bicycle and pedal your ass up and down Peachtree. On second thought, you already do that and you don’t even own a bicycle do you?
September 14th, 2007 at 6:29 am
No way animal control. DPG did not get smacked down in any way shape or form. DPG I feel you have been neglecting your ghetto side.
DPG for president.
September 14th, 2007 at 7:13 am
I’d agree with Animal Control if TT123’s burn made any sense. Wouldn’t his tranny girlfriend in fact be his boyfriend? I think he needs to be clearer about whether or not his girl/boy/itfriend has male or female reproductive organs. If he/she/it has a penis but ovaries, it could in fact be inferred that it is a chick and thus his girlfriend, whereas if it has a penis and testes(like your name, odd?) then it would be a boy and the Dogg’s boyfriend. The fact of the matter is you are very stupid and you probably love Abercrombie and Linkin Park and grew up in Yorktown and parlayed that into a lacrosse “scholarship” at some Patriot league school where you were hooked up with someone at a bank who got you a job so you could learn what an MD was and show up on this sight and act like a rad “dude”. But that’s all you are, a “dude”, you probably wear camo shorts. God, thinking of you makes me want to do something crazy like meet up with Doc Brown, go back to 2006 and short Google. Do you own a DVD copy of Boiler Room? Good lord I hate you.
September 14th, 2007 at 9:34 am
You can’t call yourself “Horseshoe” and knock Boiler Room.
In other news, we’re doing much better than we did last month.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:49 am
No one fucking cares how Goldman’s doing. No one fucking cares that you work there. I, like everyone else, come to this site as a small diversion from actually working. You getting a table at Mr. Black tonight? I bet you’re doing meth right now to prepare for the all-night no lube f*ck fest.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Gotta love the internet. Where every average Joe with a below average life gets to live out his fantasies of Black cards and threesomes. If your life was so great, you wouldn’t be spending most of it writing 300 word essays about what a playa you are. You’d be too busy fucking a Victoria’s Secret model in your penthouse suite.
September 14th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
hey ugh whats the ticker on that gs alpha
September 14th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Yes, ladies do read this site, but a couple of those who posted either seem to have shoddy taste in men (phds? really girls?) or sound like utter bimbos. Quite disturbing on both accounts. I fear for my gender.
Furthermore, I have to ask – why would a gent in finance want a girl in the same field? Doesn’t that ruin all of the fun?
September 14th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Ya’ll make me wanna throw up a little in my mouth.
If you were actual men worthy of anyone’s attention, then you wouldn’t flaunt your “wealth/status” like desperate strays preening their egos, eager for the pieces of scraps that are divvied out at the New York club scene.
Get off your ivy-league, i-banking pedestal and save yourself some dollars at therapy before you realize that you’ve yet to add any substance to your empty lives, well, maybe except for a venereal disease or two.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:07 am
ooooooooooooh Testes, i didnt know you needed some moron named Animal to back you up….
i’d respond and blast you as usual… but, i’m refraining until you train your monkey Animal to respect the game… where da fuck do you find these losers? such a shame… to think I had some respect for you… but, alas, you’ve succumed to allowing Wachovia mail room goobers like Animal to do your slave work…
TESTES, what a shame… i thought you had betta game than having 3rd rate losers respond for you…. tsk tsk tsk…. MAN UP!
September 15th, 2007 at 1:40 am
DPG is vulnerable.. OMG…. I hate to admit this, but I am wasted in Queenstown, NZ.. kiwi land mate… about to canyon swing tomorrow…can’t sleep… had to blow my wad in a british slut named Annabelle’s mouth, before my jump tomorrow…BTW, she was a 20 year old private school lass from WALES…for those in da know, yes, that’s close to royalty…
If I die tomorrow, I’d leave Testes 10% of my game, so he’d at least be able to close a fat chick… to Animal, i’d leave…. mmmmm…. hmmmmmmmmmm…what do i leave a fucking insignificant fuck who’s very existence in life is to be insignificant?????
GYEA!
September 15th, 2007 at 8:08 am
my dearest dpg,
it seems as though our last exchange has left you a bit ruffled. while you’ve been obsessing about your lack of attention to detail and other shortcomings, i’ve been enjoying huge run ups in my book and am quietly growing my CL63 AMG funding on a daily basis. you have my most sincere sympathy as you fruitlessly blow your 2nd year analyst comp fluffing girls who only fuck guys who are actual players, actually rich and actually have game.
i wish you the best as you are soon to be unemployed as fin sponsors will no longer needs as many mid tier analysts to cover the real players. should you be looking for a job please let me know. your hyper neurotic, obsessive-compulsive posting leads me to believe that you may have some potential on the buy side (your lack of attention to detail will need to be addressed, of course)…i could use a new assistant as mine no longer has any foresight as to what i may want for lunch.
dpg, were you to die tomorrow, i would certainly morn the passing of someone who truly had all the hallmarks of mediocrity.
best,
tt123
September 15th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
While I usually wholeheartedly enjoy simply reading the LSO posts and basking in the humor of elitism, I have no choice but to enter the conversation and call out this “dogg pound gangsta” trash.
First, I’m going to have to comment on the timeliness of this “baller’s” post last night, and let me set the scene for you. It’s 1am on a Friday night, and while the rest of us are out spending the fruits of our labor in lavish fashion, “dpg” has just finished rubbing one out to tranny porn while uncontrollably crying about the current state of his life. Then, he decides to write an “off the hook” post on LSO. After posting, 30 minutes later he realizes it is 1am and that looks very un-baller, so he writes an additional post mentioning how he’s wasted in New Zealand and he couldn’t sleep. Unfortunately, like many of us here, I have been to the “kiwi land” area and New Zealand is 16 hours ahead of EST, such that if “dpg” was actually in NZ it would be 5:40pm. I realize that’s a hard mathematical computation, so just trust me on this one dpg. You must have been trying to get a good night’s sleep before your sick nasty canyon adventure. Nice work “homie” – you’re a real genius. I think what you meant to say was you were in your crappy apartment in south jamaica queens (no, that’s not an island in the Caribbean, that’s where you live).
The second item I would like to make note of is the “gangstas” comments about blowing his phat wad in a girl from WALES. While I’ll assume he’s referring to the crackhead hooker he picked up on his corner in queens, I find it hilariously trashy that he mentioned (only for those in “da know” of course) that yes, she’s close to royalty… I, for one, pride myself for consistently being in “da know,” and so I know that Wales has a pop of 3MM give or take, meaning that it would be much more accurate to say something along the lines of “yo yo yo I blew my wad in a girl from DC (pop of 600K give or take a few jefferies d-bags) and for those in da know, that’s close to presidential”
You’re trash, obviously do not perform any function remotely related to banking, and sound like you’re a community college dropout which I have little doubt you are. Please stop posting your horrific garbage on this site, and let me return to enjoying the humor that is LSO.
September 16th, 2007 at 1:41 am
*clap clap*…this site has true geniuses… thanks for noticing that i don’t work in PE nor BAnking.. why da fuck would I when I am fucking retired????????????….. btw… i am in a hostel called da “asylum” in cairnes Australia… try figuring out the time i posted right now tuckie…. why da fuck does it even matta? i will be on a pub crawl come tomorrow, while you will be spending at least 10 hours trying to think of a good response…
i dont have to work the rest of my life, while you fucking PE, IB, or whateva you do have to… i made my bank 2 years ago, after i sold my company to a PE firm for more than i even asked for… and yes, i was laughing to da bank…yes, i quoted 50… but, why not, we both the m&a world… neither of our companies should’ve ever sold… but, geniuses like you bought it….
my Internet cafe time is about to expire…so Testes and Tuckie, thanks for da acknowledgement… i’m thankful that my harness held up so i could at least humor you with my presence…
I LOVE THIS SITE… THERE IS NO BETTA PLACE TO HUMOR MYSELF WITH THE BIGGEST LOSERS ….GYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
testes, tuckie… thank you… my 15 minutes of fame is all because of YOU…
September 16th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Dig that hole even deeper Dogg Pound… We’re all fakers here - hopefully this revelation doesn’t dry up the indignant comments from assorted media/non-profit/fashion types who make the comments section of this blog so entertaining!
But, you do have to keep your stories straight. If you’re going to play the role of the cool “urban” rappin’ banker/PE baller, keep the lies consistent. And, don’t whine when you get bitchslapped by real bankers. Or, at the very least, quit while you’re ahead. Each whiny response from you confirms how much importance you attach to anonymous opinions on the internet!
We were also lowly analysts and associates at some point. Don’t you think we’ve interviewed tons of wannabes like you and dealt with your kind in dead-end jobs in your bovine paradise in the Midwest? (Really - midwest hotties and OSU?!!). I hate to call it elitism, but it’s just plain honesty - you really are daft.
Oh - and living in a backpackers hostel in Cairns? I hope things improve for you, I really do. I’d love to see you post a “rhetort” but if you’re strapped for cash or at a loss for a witty response I understand completely
. I hear graduate school can help with that - go to an Ivy this time.
September 16th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Animal Control,
You are hilarious dude,
since I am new to this website, where does that “cool ‘urban’ rappin’ banker” work?
September 16th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Animal Control is fucking hysterical. That other guy is a complete goof.
September 16th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
yo,
fuck all u
Im suprisd a bunch of fuckers like you figured me out
why don’t we meet at my place in south side jamacia queens bitchss
September 16th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Are there any actual bankers who post here or is it all posers with nothing better to do and folks who feel the need to bicker endlessly about Georgetown and Chicago? Is it too much to ask that we keep this about the elitism of finance and the joy of satire? That’s what I come here for; I truly couldn’t care less about Chicago or anyone’s insecurities over being an alumnus of Georgetown or a Midwestern state school, etc.
To the author: bravo for continued brilliance. Looking forward to the book!
September 16th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Goldman b*tches: “since I am new to this website, where does that “cool â€urban’ rappin’ banker” work?” - I hear he’s an associate at Bear. It’s his thing - his deck templates even have a “shout out” to 2Pac that the MDs completely miss.
Hey Dogg Pound Gangsta - that’s the spirit! Thank you for not disappointing
Non-banker chick: It’s mostly us posers. Satire is wasted here - it’s so much easier to get folks worked up about schools/states/firms. Bicker on…
September 16th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
my work here is done…
September 17th, 2007 at 2:50 am
DPG you are still the king in my eyes.
September 17th, 2007 at 7:37 am
The irony is that 76% of posters take everything seriously (ie. Horseshoe, you just wasted your 15 minute ciggy break, now go back to waiting those tables). The message board is satirical in its own right.
In other news, my cousin GEO is still recovering from the beatdown he took in August, but hopefully Uncle Benny can give us a big lift tomorrow.
September 17th, 2007 at 9:37 am
DPG- Posting to a website after 1am on a Friday night? Seriously? Your virginity is painfully obvious.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Dude, dudette, he/she, Alpha,
I am trying hard to understand what’s satirical about chiming in on this thing as a GS employee about their performance. Is that satire? Did someone slip “crazy” into my coffee this morning? Did you really write ciggy? There wasn’t a point during your last post that made you stop and think, “maybe, just maybe I should grab pa’s .22 and end this right here, right now before I hit ’submit comment’”? Please explain the satire to me, I really would love to hear it. Is there any satire in the fact that you would have made a better stain on your parents sheets than a human being?
September 17th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Horseshoe, living with constant rage is no way to go. Waiting tables is a respectable job, no one’s judging you for your choice of profession. I mean you do make enough on tips to afford a one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, which although pales in comparison to my duplex loft in Tribeca, is still impressive enough to land you some hipster tail every now and then. And kindly reread the first sentence of my last comment, perhaps repeating it out loud until the concept sinks in.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Perhaps you’re right. However a life without passion is a life poorly lived, and from what you clearly know about me, poverty begets passion. I guess I missed the irony of the satire in your posts that apparently doesn’t exist and cannot be explained. Thank you for pinpointing the percentage with which people ironically miss the satire of the comments. I guess I’ll just go and smoke another cigarette and clear some tables and dream the impossible dream of living in Tribeca. You have AIDs.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
HS, you’re the perfect example why one shouldn’t drop out of school. I bet you also think every article here is biographical. A wise man once told me never argue with a fool, because people from a distance can’t tell who is who. With that said, this is the last time I’ll be addressing you. Kids, stay in school, even if it’s a state school.
September 17th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Some dude from SUNY-Geneseo once said,
“Don’t argue with fools from a distance, just do it with their sisters and send them the video”.
You know who that dude was? I am not exactly sure, I went to Oneonta.
September 17th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Wow, two mentions of passion in Horseshoe’s post? Could Horseshoe be Aleksey Vayner? If you want to dance, DANCE, if you want to wait tables, wait tables BUT do it with PASSION!!!!
September 17th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I am wondering,
Am I the only person who think that UBS is like the crappiest bank ever. Everyone in that entire firm is from F&M or Georgetown.
NICE JOB WITH CADBURY, UBS
Besides the sub-prime loans, UBS was the reason that deal did not go through.
September 18th, 2007 at 1:00 am
lmao! you guys seriously need to get a life. this post is two weeks old. find something better to do.
September 18th, 2007 at 9:06 am
You don’t understand women, loser.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
let’s be honest with each other: none of you asshats has a black card and very few of you will ever have one. the amount of cock measuring on this site is unreal, bordering on fucked-up.
to the dude who runs LSO: your shit is legit. keep up the good work.
and i’m going to lay it right now: georgetown is not considered a good school. end of story. i could have pooped on an application and gotten in there. instead i went to amherst and am all the more elitist because of it. georgetown. laughable mang.
September 18th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
@RS4Nicator, tru dat that Georgetown isn’t even a good school, much less an elite one. The only truly eilte schhols are Williams,Amherst,Harvard,Princeton,and Yale.
This is from a guy who actually has a black card (got it when I was 27) and graduated from Williams.
@ General Tso: You are a fool. I doubt you went to Princeton and you certainly don’t have a black card, otherwise you’d know it’s made of titanium.
September 18th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
No, any true IB or anyone on Wall Street knows that all the best come from Wharton and Harvard. Princeton and Yale Suck. For all of you at Yale, enjoy the ghetto, while you at Princeton suck my Wharton diploma! No Yalies or Princetonians ever make any progress in the business world.
Sorry, but if you want Goldman or Mckinsey, you better be coming from Harvard or Wharton.
But of course there are exceptions to that
September 18th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
If you truly measure your greatness by having a black card, then I pity you
September 18th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Everyone on the street knows Penn is a teir 2 Ivy. At least the Nittany Lions will be good this year though…
Harvard, Yale, and Princeton will always run the street.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
are you serious
I would like to know where you went to school
I would have thought you would realize who Goldman hires when you got rejected from the interviews. It is Wharton and Harvard dude.
How could liberal arts majors run the street you ignorant idiot.
September 19th, 2007 at 12:24 am
I didn’t go to a good school, I was a superstar SA, fucked half of the girls in my SA class, full time offer working in Institutional Sales and now I make more than you I-Bankers. Guys, stop trying to say “Penn, second tier Ivy, I went to Harvard”. To be quite honest, one of my best friends went to Harvard. I’ve visited Cambridge quite a few times, and the girls are horrendous. It’s wonderful you all went to Ivys, seriously, not a shred of sarcasm, that’s amazing. But stop this stuff, it’s juvenile and really really irritating.
“I went to Harvard, I worked 100 hours last week and I live in Murray Hill.”
I don’t care, how’s that? Good for you, we both make lots of money, we both probably dress well, although since I have time to go to the gym I can wear Gucci where you’re stuck in Oxxford.
There is not a finite amount of money in the world and there aren’t a finite number of hot women in Manhattan so stop all this posturing. Who cares where you went to school? If we both work in Finance then what does it matter where we went to school? If ANYONE here can pull girls by saying you went to Harvard then drinks are on me at Nikki Beach this weekend.
All I am saying is who cares, college is over. If you went to Harvard or Princeton, good for you, congrats on getting into the Porcellian Club or the Ivy Club, respectively, but now, none of that matters. I went to a SUNY and I make as much if not more than any of you. I live in Tribeca, wear Gucci and and I pull more chicks than anyone I know. If going to Harvard helps you sleep better at night, cool. But thinking it makes chicks like you more, you have another thing coming.
And don’t you think that going to a lesser school with hotter chicks is a better teaching ground? I mean now I have money and Game. You have the same money, with no Game. Or at least game uncalibrated to any girls that are even vaguely attractive.
September 19th, 2007 at 6:30 am
Obviously liberal arts majors don’t run the street, but it’s a mistake to discount economics/finance majors from the top 10 liberal arts colleges in the nation, particularly the schools that emphasize econ above all other subjects and attract young entrepreneurs. Why am I speaking in the plural? There’s only one school that matches this description. At a school prestigious enough to provide outstanding networking opportunities in the industry, I don’t think being a college alum vs a university alum is a hindrance.
September 19th, 2007 at 7:18 am
we had Mystery come to MIT to talk about picking up chicks…er…lord knows the guys here need help
September 19th, 2007 at 7:37 am
Your alma mater might not matter to all women or even all attractive women, but it does matter to some. Along with physical attractiveness and personality in general, I consider where a man went to college foremost in determining whether he is suitable to date. This is because it speaks to two important factors at once: intelligence and ambition. Being bright and lazy doesn’t earn you admission to Harvard or Williams. Neither does being diligent and stupid. Achieving success as an alumnus of a lesser school possibly requires more hard work post-graduation and is incredibly admirable. I’m not trying to discredit that. My point is, despite any anecdotal evidence of ugly girls in Cambridge, there are women out there with the whole package – looks, success, and an education from one of the best schools in the nation – and these are the ones who will care about more than your shoes and your paycheck. They’ll have it all and want it all in return, and you may strike out. If these aren’t the girls you want in the first place, then perhaps that doesn’t matter.
September 19th, 2007 at 7:55 am
Nothing makes the models panties wetter or drop faster than three letters - HBS. Now, where should I collect, Nikki Midtown or South Beach?
September 19th, 2007 at 8:01 am
S&T PUA, what you don’t know is that the guy that sits next to you who went to Harvard got 250K more in bonus than you did last year.
Have a nice day.
September 19th, 2007 at 8:24 am
i went to Middlebury, and while it wasn’t exactly a financial services mecca, having Dick Fuld and Felix Rohatyn on our board certainly didn’t hurt my networking, to say the least.
not saying it’s the greatest school in the world, but it’s certainly better than good. NESCAC definitely represents at top 5 banks.
September 19th, 2007 at 10:04 am
hey panther, isn’t middlebury for bitchaz? when did they start accepting homoz?
September 19th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Louis Bacon, The World’s Richest People - Forbes.com
Louis Bacon ranked 746 among The World’s Richest People In 2006. … hedge fund manager raised in Raleigh, N.C., studied literature at Middlebury College. …
September 19th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
So somehow you believe you will follow in his footsteps.I mean Mitt Romney when to Harvard, but my roomate at Harvard does not seem on tier with him. Just like some loser going to Middlebury trying to prove that because they go to the same school as ONE successful person, they will follow the same path.
September 19th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
To be quite honest GS Alpha, I doubt that, I started my desk at my BB and I’m an MD at 28. Not to mention I had more sales credits than anyone on my desk. But if that makes you feel better that you went to Harvard and I didn’t, again, good for you.
And how awesome is GS Alpha, shouldn’t you be selling furniture on the street, seeing that you were down 22% in August alone?
If you were really as awesome as you talk, then you’d be working in either TMT or the Special Situations Group.
September 19th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Well Goldman had its “flavour injector” on hand, and pumped 3 billion into the fund.
September 20th, 2007 at 5:59 am
S&T, that is great. But if everything you say about yourself is true, then why are you qualifying yourself to a random poster on the interweb?
It’s ok that you went to a state school, just don’t let that chip on your shoulder weigh you down.
September 20th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Good one.
September 20th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
And to that anonymous ugly girl who posted a few before me, I’d love to meet some girl who says “I’d love to sleep with you, but you didn’t go to an Ivy. Sorry.”
When Alessandra Ambrosio says that I’ll get upset, not when some ugly girl who weeds out guys by saying “Where did you go to school?”
September 21st, 2007 at 1:59 am
Tuckie, your post was very un-tucklike. I mean, Kurt or Lenehan, cut it out!
September 21st, 2007 at 2:04 am
I’d just like to say that I am from originally from SoCal, am a 5′11″ THIN (but not rexy) female, and I read this. I have a 35″ inseam, which is likely longer than most of you trolls. And I was a banker, but I wised up. This site is too on-target not to read, and I still laugh every time I go visit my friends in NYC and see all the folks on the Hamster wheel. Get your MBA and get the heck out of Gotham–it’s the smartest thing I ever did.
Tee-hee…if any of you are interested in being my trophy husband, holla.
September 21st, 2007 at 6:48 am
S&T, I specifically said that not all but some women would care about your education, and that specifically this would be the subset of attractive, successful, ivy league-educated women who essentially have everything and can date whomever they please. Using a model with an 8th grade education as an example does not prove your point. Moreover I specifically stated that if intelligent, beautiful women weren’t what you were looking for, it obviously wouldn’t matter that you didn’t attend a tier 1 university. It looks like they don’t teach elementary reading comprehension at SUNY. What a waste of my tax dollars.
Also, presuming I’m ugly because you don’t like my opinions is very mature. Good for you.
September 21st, 2007 at 11:57 am
Can you hear that? It’s the world’s smallest violin playing a melancholy rendition of S&T/PUA’s state school fight song.
September 21st, 2007 at 12:46 pm
hilarious!!!
September 21st, 2007 at 2:57 pm
you’re a huge tool.
September 21st, 2007 at 4:46 pm
yooo niggas,
DPG is back in the hood,
base jumpin was the shit motha fuckas
and so were those bitches
September 22nd, 2007 at 1:23 am
Most girls from my HS who went to Cornell were more interested in graduating with their MRS degree.
And again, what you’re not understanding is that if I met a girl who upon first meeting me was very interested, and upon finding out I did not go to Harvard or an Ivy, decided that I wasn’t up to her standard, I’d be indifferent. However, I doubt that I would ever ever see your hypothetical scenario coming to fruition.
And one last thing, when Alpha Male Type-A Wall Streeters start saying that they screen girls on “personality and intelligence” as opposed to 100% on looks then hell will have frozen over.
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:12 pm
JJC1122 (”Chicago rules”) is a practitioner of the Mystery Method, and trolls pickup artist message boards bemoaning his 65k income and inability to “compete with hot studs.”
RLY.
JJC, retreat from cyberspace in general, before XOXO honor-kills you. HTFH.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Georgetown sucks!!!! So does Northwestern. I will penetrate you!
September 25th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I’d just like to say that I work at a bank too. Truthfully, I’m not sure there’s much of a difference between an investment bank and my position as a drive-through teller at B of A. The biggest difference I see is that I don’t have to bend over everytime a client or an MD wants something–and then stay bent over all night. I know quite a few investment bankers prefer the bent-over position (also, “on the knees” is popular too), but I’d rather not have my hole violated on a daily basis until I finally get fed up and quit.
September 25th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
yeah the only difference is about 150K
September 25th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
I sincerely hope anon was not taking my name “tuckie” to reference the show nip/tuck, although with the “kurt and lenehan” reference, I sadly believe he/she was… ouch… go look up the latest WSJ or Forbes business school rankings to find out what tuck actually is
September 25th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
did that chick say she’s 5′11″? good luck finding a husband you ghoulish woman…
September 27th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Can someone tell me where trading comes into the picture? By my count for the past 3 years my bonus has been 2-4 times the size of bankers…man that suks doesn’t it… I hate making more money than bankers… I wish I was a banker wearing a suit all day with a stick shoved up the wazoo waiting for my MS to do me again, pretending I was important and contributing to my firm’s bottom line…would you guys like a slice of my bonus?
September 27th, 2007 at 10:37 am
To the Author: Love the stories.. dont know how some people can’t differentiate satire and sarcasm from reality though. Many friends in IB.. but I myself am a Top 30 under 30 at a 10bn HF and like where my future is heading. Keep up the great work. And all you haters and people that love to argue… grow the F*ck up! HY_Yield…wow.. props to you… you tell em.
September 27th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
I am coming for you Goldman Bitches. you can’t beat jorts. Just wait, I will own you!
September 27th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
i dont care how much they pay,sales&trading = back office. i hear prostitutes make alot of money, too.
September 28th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow… this coming from some schmuck at a 3rd tier bank? Wait so let me get this your name is wachovia but your from GS. Even funnier… I am sure your from GS. How is my old buddy… Mr. Daly. Bet he would love to hear about all the posers on this site who say they are from GS. BTW.. im an ex GS trader. Would never put the place down. Have a lot of respect for it,best bank on the street. But some of you bankers need to get over your egos. As for S&T = back office, why dont you check your financial statement and see who is really paying the bills. Certainly not banking and those wonderful deals in the pipeline. Its trading buddy. I do hear prostitutes make alot of money… bet thats true for bankers as well. Only difference is one take it from the front while the other takes it from the back. You choose. O and the traders would = pimps and well if ure smart u can fill in what bankers like you =. PS not all bankers are bad, just morons like you who give them a bad name.
September 28th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
4th tier bank, located in bumblefuk south, whats the last major deal u’ve been on? Get a life man and get a real job, if you want I need a new admin hear in NY at KKR. Interested? In addition, I’m also ex GS. C’mon man, wachovia will never beat GS, and I mean ever. You know you guys are scum and scavengers. There is no shame, be proud of who you are and be the worthless banker from NC that you are. Wear your colors proud.
September 29th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Not such a good post but good still.
If only Maddox posted more often
September 30th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
this site is too much fun, i love fucking with you guys and then watching you all blow-up. what does the HY in HY_Yield stand for? Stange name for an equities guy.
October 1st, 2007 at 6:49 pm
I will pay $1MM for anyone who can teach me the banker method. Please help me be more banker!
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:22 am
It’s very obvious that many of the so-called “bankers” that post here don’t work in banking and are probably college kids pretending to be “big swinging dicks”……
Harvard, Stanford undergraduate..=who gives flying fuck..
October 6th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
No one from Princeton or Yale will ever make it in the business world? You mean, not like Steve Schwartzman or Eddie Lampert or Robert Rubin? I don’t care how many Wharton kids are in the first-year Analyst class at Goldman - you are still a trade school (Seriously, it is sad that you publish your first-year salary info online. I considered you, but that was the deal-breaker). Not many Yalies/Princetonians go into the business because we generally have more creativity and are interested in other things, like running the non-finance world as well.
October 8th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
i feel alot of tucker max going on
October 10th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I can’t be bothered to respond here. i don’t consider myself prejudiced, and i’ve dated a lot of guys. but indian men by far have to be the ugliest i’ve seen. i’m sorry.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:16 am
M&A blah blah, you faggot, Dont hate on Indians hitting on chicks, we probably get more ass than you did, probably not as much as your mum ever did though, cant compete with her trashiness
fag
October 13th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
if the only indian men you’ve ever dated are ugly,
then maybe the hot indian guys just aren’t going for YOU.
October 14th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I’m curious - where do you pedigree experts rate McGill? Alongside state schools like OSU or the “Ivies” like Cornell and Brown?
October 14th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
McGill? Is this the pizza place on Time Sq. next to the MS building?
October 14th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
I am a hot and slutty guy. Where can I find some banker dudes?
October 15th, 2007 at 7:38 am
McGill is solid. Rated one spot under Columbia in last Times survey (i’m a graduate). Good bargain compared to US private schools. Recruiting from business school is spotty. The top kids go to BBs in new york and major canadian banks in Toronto. Kids with shitty marks go to insurance, corps. All major firms give a least a partial effort recruting there. We’ve got alumni at all major I banks and at least one at KKR.
October 15th, 2007 at 9:18 am
I have erectile dysfunctyion
October 15th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
McGill is rated one spot under Columbia in last Times survey for what? closest proximity to a big city? no way. dont bother going there.
October 15th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
I went to McGill and I landed a sick ass job workin in farm equipment leasing desk in Moose Jaw office of Suntrust…what! what! eh?
October 16th, 2007 at 2:14 am
Hmmm…I bet you motherfuckers all work in your respective mailrooms. Tools. As if anyone has time for this online blog shit. Now get back to work printing UPS labels…
October 16th, 2007 at 8:51 am
McGill is the top school in Canada and they’ve sent some stars to new york etc. but I wouldn’t choose it over a top Ivy. Probably better than say, Cornell though.
October 16th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Lets just sit back and reflect on how funny the line “top school in Canada”.. it starts off wetting your appetite, but then the qualifier. Ouch!
Go jagoff, ey?
October 17th, 2007 at 9:27 am
to Shark in a suit: well well, who has time for an online blog again? wow, you seem to know what a mail room is and its day-to-day responsibilities very well. where did you say you work again?
October 17th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Back in ’80s I wondered where the seemingly bottomless full-of-themselves crowd worked, who I saw filling the clubs each night. It didn’t add up, because cover and drinks aren’t free (and weren’t then)…but since they were out til 4 a.m. EVERY night, then how could they be working (let alone where)?
Now thanks to the Internet miracle, the same scene — and the same question — resurfaces right here and now.
The answer is self-evident: No one who frequents the blogosphere works in banking at all.
October 17th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Dear Karen,
I’m sorry but i must assume that if you have even dated an indian man you yourself are ugly.
Dear Mr. Nik Lalabanglopur,
Please do not speak to me in that tone my friend….(head bob)…seriously the only way you are getting more ass than me is if you are the guy i outsource all of my computer stuff to overpopulating india. If you are here in the United States of America, my looks trump.
October 20th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
top school in canada = tallest midget at the county fair
October 24th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Let’s boycott wachovia. They do not belong anywhere near wallstreet or even on this post.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:57 am
Is this all about getting laid by hot chicks? What a boring site.
November 8th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Such nonsense on this page. For all we know, the guy who writes these stories is a douche bag who couldn’t lay the ugliest girl in his firm.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
wharton is a real great school….for people who couldn’t get into HYP
similarly with every other bank, for those who couldn’t get a job at GS
November 20th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Princeton is a good school… for people who couldn’t get into Harvard. 08 is a good year to graduate…for new analysts who will get much smaller bonuses.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
HAVING MONEY IS NOT HAVING GAME
May 9th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
People talking about black cards and such, I guess it’s handy since that’s all bitches hear in rap songs, but please this isn’t the 90’s get a real card. I don’t just “leave home without it”, I wouldn’t trust it to finance a gumball in a jam.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
except maybe Banker Chicks, who, besides being out of scope, don’t require much more than a tap on the shoulder to get into bed.
Hah! You banker guys are ugly, fat, full of shit and suck in bed… so get over it! The only reason girls slept with you was money, and now that that is gone, you have ZERO chance of getting laid with all your belly fat accumulated from seamlessweb. Oh, and I forgot to mention that more than 90% of you are dumb and complacent, and are doing banking just because you had no guts to do anything else (like start your own business), and you are going to be one of those mediocre MDs who just wants to get by without getting fired! And just the fact that you are all writing stupid shit on this website to make yourselves feel better shows that you totally suck balls in real life!
June 6th, 2008 at 6:55 am
What has this racist as*hole got against Indian’s!?? You ever heard of Laxmi Mittal? Mukesh Ambani? Would you say no to managing THEIR money? Twat!
July 15th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Excellent Wu-Tang reference…
“A Mountain Climber who plays an electric Guitar”
Protect Ya Neck
August 12th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
The evolution of the discussion is really amazing. First, the casual comments on the actual post that turns into full-fledged one up-man-ship about meaningless conquests. Then there are the sane ones who step in and tell you guys what sad fucks you are at which point all quips are forgotten until you have thoroughly smeared the detractor into oblivion. This would certainly make an excellent case study of social Darwinism.
BTW, the actual post was excellent as usual
August 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am
No matter how good your game is, being a banker often helps when picking up the ladies, but small town America is like kryptonite for bankers. I have some friends from college that live in these places and I swear when I visit, all the smooth banker panache ain’t worth jack. I’d be better off with boots, a flannel, five o’clock shadow, and a pickup truck.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“I treat a bitch like an IRR of 80%–grip it and flip it.”
Classic.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Hi!
Interesting article about Mystery Method. I just wanted to let you know that Mystery Method Corporation is changing its name to Love Systems. You can learn more about what we’re doing now at www.LoveSystems.com.