Tuesday, September 4, 2007
The Banker Method
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I was by the bar the other night at Tenjune when I overhead two, back-officey, young Indian guys talking. Perhaps hoping to capitalize on their first time inside a hip club, they chatted strategically, devising about things called “2-sets” and “openers.” At first, I assumed they were talking about whatever dudes like that talk about: database theory, trading systems, and suicide. But then they came to a resolution and walked up to two girls and said something or another. They got shot down, returned to the bar, and, seemingly unphased, decided they’d keep “plowing” together and that soon, they’d fully grasp the “Mystery Method.” The guys then did 4 shots each, began touching each other’s hair and faces while practicing “kino escalation,” and I came to understand that the “Mystery Method” must be something created to facilitate homosexuality. I grew overwhelmingly uncomfortable at the notion of these two dudes parsing through my work emails and promptly had them removed.
Since then, I’ve heard a lot more about The Mystery Method and its creator, a guy named Mystery, so I figured I would conduct a bit of diligence on the subject. Apparently, it’s a methodology for picking up women, and it’s meant to be quite successful. I probed slightly deeper and found a system dedicated to attracting, building comfort with, and seducing girls. The underlying concept is that women are attracted to those who can help them in their need to both Survive and Reproduce, and men can capitalize on this by learning to send out signals of social value, disinterest, and arrogance.
Interesting—essentially, this man Mystery has created a framework to try to make all men more Banker.
It’s no “mystery” that working in finance is the most successful way to pick up chicks–it’s intuitive. I speculate that Mystery originally worked in something like Global Industrials at UBS, where he met guys from other Banks and observed the success and power of The Banker Method. He then left, crippled the game by removing its Wall Street essence, and repackaged it for the average idiot as The Mystery Method. Mystery’s tactics are meant to help people front the very qualities Bankers exude naturally, but unlike normal derivatives, these devices actually lack the leverage of the originals.
Let’s inspect what was lost when going from The Banker Method to The Mystery Method more closely.
Openers
The Mystery Method endorses several different kinds of openers, ranging from functional, “What time is it?” to opinion, “Is kissing cheating?” and direct, “I think you’re cute.” The methods have increasing risk/reward profiles and each requires a different amount of transition to get to “normal conversation.”
In all his material, I was unable to find the only opener I’ve ever had to use: “Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.” The risk is zero, and transition to “normal conversation” is instantaneous, where the phrase “normal conversation” refers to “sex.” Direct, but highly functional. All of Mystery’s canned material doesn’t even come close to capturing the spirit of this single sentence.
Demonstrating Higher Value
Demonstrating social value, or “applying a multiple,” is a big part of The Mystery Method but built-in to The Banker Method. While others need to go to extraordinary lengths to inflate their social value and prove that they are desirable, this is inherently conveyed with the very word “Banker.” Mystery instructs his students to tell stories that involve acts of chivalry, lavish parties, and exotic dancers, but we, luckily, don’t have to do that—our reputation precedes us.
IOI’s
Driving the conversation, leaning in, and touching are all Indicators of Interest from a girl. According to Mystery, upon seeing these, a guy should kiss the girl or otherwise escalate the situation.
Girls tend to be slightly less coy and a bit more retarded about their IOI’s with Bankers. Just the other night, I was dancing with a girl when she pulled me close by my tie, nibbled my neck, and whispered: “Is your fund short, or long?”
The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her, but I played along anyway and told her we were value-based but long-term and invested in a wide range of industries. The financial whiz giggled, and we went home, where my fund promptly transformed into a growth fund, and ultimately, an event-driven one.
Neuro-Linguistic Processing (NLP)
Pick-Up Artists use subtleties in human perception and cognizance to manipulate girls. For example, while telling a story, they might bring up situations where a bed is casually involved, mispronounce words to evoke emotion, or use the phrase “naked truth,” to plant subtle seeds of sexual thought in their target’s brain.
NLP comes a bit more naturally to Bankers. For example, a girl once asked me if I knew her friend who worked sales at JP Morgan. Without thinking, I responded: “JP Morgan? I would never work there, that’s b.low me.”
—
Mystery has built numerous other concepts around Banker behavior, including The Neg, which is intended to briefly disqualify one as a suitor, and Peacocking, which consists of wearing ostentatious and conversation-inducing clothing and accessories. I’ve told girls that they’re too slutty to bring to a work function and worn a deal toy around my neck when going out, but I’ve never classified my actions within such a lame vocabulary. Then again, I’ve never had to.
Other Pick-Up Artists have disparaged The Banker Method, claiming that girls prefer a “mountain climber who plays the electric guitar” and those who “know how to treat them” over guys from Goldman Sachs. What Banker-envy! I treat a bitch like an IRR of 80%–grip it and flip it.
There may be some additional debate over whether The Banker Method is really applicable and better than The Mystery Method given the present market. Fuck that and fuck those quant dudes. Hot chicks don’t watch CNBC (unless it’s to get aroused), so they have no idea what the hell is going on. Guys that work in finance can and will always be able to turn on every type of girl out there except maybe Banker Chicks, who, besides being out of scope, don’t require much more than a tap on the shoulder to get into bed.
Leveraging his stolen pick-up tactics, Mystery has recently managed to land himself a reality show on VH1, where he takes a set of losers and tries to turn them into Master Pick-Up Artists, teaching them his method and eliminating the ones that fail along the way. I can’t help but imagine what this show would be like if the characters were all Bankers practicing The Banker Method. Instead of Pradeep, an Indian nerd on the show the guys at Tenjune must have been emulating, we’d have a young Dinakar Singh, and the openers would change from “Do you floss before or after you brush?” to “Can I break you off a slice of my Bonus?” The field tests would degenerate into full-out orgies, and Mystery and his other instructors would be rendered worthless, now taking lessons from the Bankers and trying not to get eliminated themselves.
I suppose a program like that would be interesting for a few minutes but, in the long run, might not do too well. Reality TV shows are successful when they take ordinary people and put them in extraordinary situations, not the other way around. The Banker Method bringing girls to their knees in a club might not make for the greatest reality TV because…it’s reality.
September 4th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Hilarious stuff.
September 4th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Such a method is useless…just show your Diner .
September 4th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Solid work per usual. Can’t wait for the little idiot chimps to start chucking feces at this one.
September 4th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
awesome
September 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
the quality of a man’s suit, not eyeliner/goggles/crass-facial-hair/pirate-costumes, signals to a woman the depth of his resources, and thus his desirability as a conduit for reproduction.
September 4th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
“Can i break you off a piece of my bonus?” bad news chief… that girl was a hooker. better get yourself checked out
September 4th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Yeah… the mystery method helps you land paris hilton… but the banker method only attracts 2 types of women… AAPL’s (will make calls for you, play you music, read to you, show you pictures and entertain you all while looking good and feeling good in your hand) and goog’s (girls who give it all up for free and have an “i’m feeling lucky” button)
September 4th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Nothing gets the girls hotter then when I whip out my Diner’s Club card at Tenjune.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
this is the most boring story i have ever read. not what i’m used to reading from here.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
milk it while you got it. this downturn’s gonna screw our bonuses. btw, yeah it takes a mountain climber who plays the guitar.
September 4th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
People keep talking about their Diner’s Club card.
Are you third tier state school accounting grads serious?
When it’s time to pay (rarely — bartender chicks are allergic to invoicing me) — I reach into the depths of the ticket pocket in my Turnbull & Asser sportcoat (note the initials — T&A, ho’s) and produce a glimmering black card which blinds those around me and sends Big 10 grad project assistant Manhattan chicks who just bought their first Birkin bag on eBay into shock, often requiring adminstration of all manner of smelling salts to bring them back to…right before they come “back to” my crib.
I slap it down with a loud thud into the faux leather bill holder and try to close it — but it can’t close — you can’t hold the Black Card down.
After that, my Black Card does all the work.
Sometimes, the bartender ho who charges me is overwhelmed with embarassment that she just charged me and comps everything — even if it means paying for my tab with her tip money — after which she hands me an invoice that says “$0.00 — Comped — Our pleasure” with her number scribbled underneath in a wobbly, uncontrolled hand.
When the bartender ho still doesn’t get it (or when the bartender is a hipster male — some bar owners just don’t get it), the Black Card levitates out of the bill holder, swipes itself into the computer, bitch-slaps the bartender twice, applies a nominal tip (nominal is 25% for a king like me), and then goes right back into my T&A ticket pocket.
Diner’s Club sounds fun. Maybe I’ll look into it…at around a quarter past never. Till then, it’s African American Express till death, or until the Titanium Card comes out.
Holler back biotches,
the general
September 4th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I’m sure you get laid all the time, considering the fact that you work 80 hrs a week and have time to write blog articles
September 4th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
between a Doctor and a Banker, I don’t need The Banker Method/The Mystery Method to pick a Doctor.
September 4th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Strong as usual
September 4th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Weak followup to last entry, but still better than reading the seamless menu for the 10th time today.
September 4th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
A doctor? Maybe you can have an Organic Chemistry study session together at the NYU dorms.
A Managing Director wins over a M.D. pretty handily. Maybe you can snag a gig in Biotech M&A?
September 4th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
How do you compensate for your not so well endowed Indian penis?
September 4th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Diner’s is your geriatric grandpa’s tired card with an anemic limit. Accepted everywhere that lame losers rock out to John Mayer.
Amex Black for life. The only choice for BSDs.
September 4th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Booooring.
Unfortunately the Banker Method described above left out one important detail. Blow. That’s right, I said it. Blow or whatever name you know it by - happy dust, nose candy, snow, the medellin mixer, star spangled powder, yeyo, dama blanca, Bolivian marching powder or just plain old cocaina. Long known for its ability to give overweight, acne-sporting, pot-bellied, social inepts such as yourself the coca-powered self-confidence to ignore your halitosis and approach women of questionable virtue at seedy analyst hangouts, it has just one redeeming quality - women of questionable virtue absofuckinglutely *love* it. It’s what gives them the brain-numbing sensation it takes to be in the company of dolts such as you. Here’s a tip - offer it around, you don’t have to partake of it yourself. They’ll still put out.
But, why give you advice? You’re obviously a wannabe - that reference to database theory is a dead giveaway. I bet you work in IT at a tier 3, with 50-hour weeks, tons of electronic gadgets hanging under that overslung belly and a raging case of hemorrhoids at age 27. How do you like that commute to JC? Isn’t it a bitch?
Here’s a tip - quit living out these crazy banker fantasies. Your grammar is above average - I’m sure you can do well in middle management in the back office. Not everyone has to work for a BB. There’s honor in all work. Good luck in your future endeavors.
September 4th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Hmm…not your best work…
I’d characterize it as…. SUBPRIME?
September 4th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Jack you bring up a very good point. Hot bitches (of little - fuck questionable - virtue) LOVE that shit. Offer up a little and one of these meat packing obsessed idiots no matter how hot will be bobbing on your bone within the hour.
September 4th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
General Tso,
Another analyst weenie laying out his (and I use the adjective loosely) ignorance for all to see. If he actually had a black card, he’d know it was made of titanium!
Where the fuck do you get off dissing the Diner’s Club card? I bet you wouldn’t qualify for one anyway. Enjoy life in Gold and Platinum land for a while little - nothing wrong with building up that credit.
Funny story about my black card and me. On a roadshow in bumfuck Nebraska, I happened to have a hankering for some fine corn-fed poon. Trying to show off my “I’m a bad-ass M&A mofo but I’m still one of the peeps” cred, I asked this cutie where she’d like to go for dinner. She was nice - she picked a fast-food restaurant whose name rhymes with Mendy’s (rest assured that’s where the similarity ends). We go, I foolishly flash my black card hoping to impress the undies off my date, whereupon the cashier informs me “we don’t take American Express”. Thank God for my unwashed, unused Visa. Lesson learned - don’t flash that black card at people who don’t know what the fuck it is.
Which brings me back to you, fucktard Gen. Tso. Show a little respect for the “bartender ho” - she didn’t comp your drink that night. It was the dude at the end of the bar who thought you were cute and was trying to get you to “holla back”. That number? I wouldn’t call it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
September 4th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
General Tso…The new black card is titanium. upgrade you uncivilized filth!
September 5th, 2007 at 12:50 am
“Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.” Wtf is this? This sounds like a fucking retard practicing in his stained short in front of the mirror.
Overall, this post falls below expectations, especially considering the GREATNESS of the previous one. It’s like the treadmill, it can’t accelerate forever.
Keep it up though, looking forward to the next one.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:29 am
im never returning to this site - crap
September 5th, 2007 at 4:10 am
“In all his material, I was unable to find the only opener I’ve ever had to use: “Waddup bitch, I work in Finnance.”
Gotta be the funniest line I’ve read on here.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Haha. I’ve seen you bankers at work at Ulysses at happy hour — You guys couldn’t pick up a basketball that rolled between your legs. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve strolled through there and escorted out the hottest chick — and I’m practically unemployed. Once a nerd, ever a nerd; girls can sense this and you can’t spend your way out of it. Keep the dream alive!
September 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am
maybe the Diner’s club guy meant dinero? either way, still a tool
September 5th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Good shit, amusing as always, the self-deprecation is the best part, though clearly gets lost on some.
Jack, great posting, accurate shit, love the slapdown on General Tso. Wonder how many of the snot-nosed 25 year olds on here recognized the original source of the last sentence of your last posting.
Style, you’re a fucking geek. The fact that you think that aapl and goog shit was funny shows that you are either a slightly geeky 23 year analyst who had that little ticker-play-on-word joke emailed to you from one of your former college roommates, or else you are an even geekier 30 year old motherfucker whose sense of humor is about as funny as a 1983 Jerry Lewis movie. Now get back to work before you get fired in the first round of layoffs next week pigboy.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Best work yet.
“The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her”
It makes me happy to know that people will actually say this.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
hilarious.
having been hit on way too many times with lines taken verbatim from the book, i welcome anything but the mystery method.
the banker method is my cup of tea - arrogance, elitism, vanity & witty sarcasm. damn, it kinda reminds me of…me.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
PE chick you see a cube in the middle of the desert. How big is the cube?…
September 5th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I wouldn’t mind fucking pe chick in the cornhole after a night of her buying me $22 stoli O and redbulls at the Pen-Top, just to rid her of a bit of her arrogance, if nothing else
September 5th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
West coast, no - east coast, no - chicago.
ONCE AGAIN, FUCK OFF YOU AMERICAN CUNTS.
I’ll make a wild guess. This thread will result in 250+ comments. east vs west. I’m a gangsta. My school rocks. yours sucks. YAWN
September 5th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Stoli-O and Redbull? My friend, you must wear alot of hair gel and have a gold cross and had a nextel in high school and I could go on in this manner for days. You’re trash. Simple and plain, there is no other way to put it. Women that work in PE do not go home with greased up, chicken parm eating, back waxing retards that drink stoli-o and redbull. This isn’t the True Life: I’m A Staten Island Guy message board. What I suggest is that you take a cab over the Verrazano, get dropped off at home, grab the keys to your ‘01 Honda Civic with the vanity plate, “Doitupnice”, turn that baby on and place a hose between the exhaust pipe and the cracked driver side window. Then, get in the car, put on the latest Webster Hall album and let the noxious fumes kill you. That or just take a bath with the toaster, your choice, just die, please.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
word.
well said thundercock.
women in PE are alcoholics. if i’m going to kill my liver, i aint doing it with a stoli-o, watever the hell that is
September 5th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Wow, I am amazed that a PE firm would even hire a chick, let alone one stupid enough buy a drink for a guy who would order a stoli-o and think its classy. Hitting on what the guy above me said, you cant take a piece of trash and put it in a 3000 suit and try t hide it, it will still reak of shit. Moreover, could anyone tell me what the hell indians are doing hitting on women in the first place?
September 5th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Do some due dilli, Discover cashback card son… ha, jk.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
i personally like “mountain climber who plays an electric guitar” circa 1994, Wu-Tang Clan, 36 Chambers
September 5th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I am god! Have any of you ever been penetrated?
September 5th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Additionally, has everyone forgotten that there are a ton of bankers in NYC and a ton of filthy rich guys trying to swing their dicks around? Props to the guys who have contributed these sweet stories that help me start the second part of my day when all of my friends are getting home, but banker game takes more than a fucking black card, it takes style and class and the look. I dont care how rich you are, if you are ugly you will not get the same ass i will. Concurrently, if you cannot speak to women you will not get the same ass. There is a package that women are looking for and it cannot be replicated by a fag who has been trained or a dickwad who was a fucking nerd his whole life and now that he has the logo of an IB on his card thinks he is magical. The skills, craft, dress and attitude associated with banker game are inherent traits that are only magnified and perfected by our incredible bonuses and lavish lifestyles. If it is not there to start it cannot be acquired or taught. The end and goodnight children, this was your bedtime story.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
pencilcock, you couldn’t be more incorrect in your guess. My observation is that you are such an uptight, muscle atrophied, office-prone wanker motherfucker that when you do finally leave your cubical at 11 at night, you rush out, grab two Chivas and sodas at some of the finest taverns Murray Hill can offer, fall asleep talking about IRRs and how much money Stephen Schwartzman made this year, and one of your wimpy, limp-wristed friends finally throws you in a Towncar with his pocket full of vouchers, hoping you’ll make it ok to your shitty Murray Hill 17th floor, apartment with fake parquet floors and all. You fall into bed, without brushing your teeth, try and rub one out thinking about Mary Jane Crotchenstein from your 1st year muni bond class, and can’t quite even get it up. As for PE girl, my offer still stands, I’d love to give it to you in a way your little cubemate pals could only hope to, right up your keester, and then have you take it all and clean me off concurrently. Staten Island that bitches.
September 6th, 2007 at 7:08 am
In a few more posts down - someone will diss Georgetown. From there, someone will call John Hopkins the super shittiest school of all time; remember gentleman, only Harvard will do.
Which will lead to firing of insults at PE, Hedge Funds, and Quants in general. From there, all hell will break loss with occasional stories of “how you tapped an italian hottie” interplaced here and there.
Why does everyone have such a “need” to share their stories of conquest? Petty children.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:15 am
A. Ready?, pal, do you watch alot of Lifetime? Finance is all about conquest. Why wouldn’t the men who work in finance live their lives by the same credo? You’re probably work the stock room of some disgusting used bookstore in the village and talk to women, but never hit on them because you respect them so much. Well let me tell you something dude, if you don’t use it, you get AIDs. Think about it.
B. Mr. Staten Island Turnpike 2007,
The next time I want to read a comment that regurgitates all the jokes from every other post on this blog, I’ll be sure to ask my seven year old brother to give a book report of sorts on the LSO. Was it hard going to C.W. Post? Did you use Wikipedia for every paper? When you got the clap sophomore year did you go to Planned Parenthood to cealr it up or did you just spray Axe on “yo sh*t” to make it feel better? Listen “bro”, I feel terrible that your second cousin Vinny that works in the mailroom at Wachovia could only get you an interview for a Data admin. job out of school. It’s alright, not everyone can grow up a Gotti, some of you guys have to work.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Robo-D… just leave, you JP Marlin motherfucker. Thundercock wins the thread.
I assume you picked this up the word “keester” in 6th grade at whatever public school you attended. Please, keep it to yourself in the future. You’re not helping your case here.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Wow, seriously why the fuck do people come to a sight to hate on its greatness! Lets see where to start….hmmm…well i guess we should start with the fact that conquest is what makes the world turn and what has driven men to greatness and to the pinnacle of its being. Everything great has emerged from one man deciding that this isnt enough for me and wanting to do something about it. TC is right, seriously Ready? you were one of the kids who was cut from the 6th grade football team and never recovered and is no relegated to a life of mediocrity, self loathing and masturbating in the janitors closet on your “smoke break.” And can people from that giant land fill please quit posting shit, you are given away by your lack o wit, as well as your horrible vocabulary and grammar. You cant even hide your sorry ass behind a computer…pathetic
September 6th, 2007 at 10:43 am
don’t fool yourself - they mystery method (and all the other similar techniques) are identical to the prototypical banker method. they’re just much more specific on how to develop arrogance, sarcastic back-handed humor, and body language.
September 6th, 2007 at 11:48 am
M&A 10:42,
And I quote:
“Wow, seriously why the fuck do people come to a SIGHT to hate on its greatness!…And can people from that giant land fill please quit posting shit, you are given away by your lack O wit, as well as your HORRIBLE VOCABULARY and GRAMMAR.”
I knew you were just riding Ralph’s coattails back when you were in my class. At least his sentences were semi-coherent. Also, Homer cut you from the football team in favor of using Milhouse instead. We had no idea you would be getting it on with Willy in the closet. May he RIP, he died from syphilis this past May.
Regards,
Ms. Krabappel
September 6th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Georgetown sucks. Ditto for Chicago.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Pencilcock, you are nowhere near as witty as you think, you are a mouse of a man, who loves nothing more on a Friday night than to post “Male looking for Males” ads on Craigslist, hoping to be lucky enough to toss the salad of a couple of brothas from Bed-Stuy. When that doesn’t happen, you jump on this site, self-promote yourself as the man you wish you were, and jerk yerself to sleep, falling into that all-too-comfortable fetal position you’ve become accustomed to whenever life has got you down.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I don’t think I am witty. I think that you think that I think I am witty, but I can’t be too sure because all I think when I read what you write is what you’re probably thinking as you write it, “I like prosciutto”.
September 6th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Yo… Style… is that you ? If so - ladies and gents we have one of the OG PUAs right here….
Personally I think you should combine a variety of methods… that way you get to bag a smorgasbord of chicas… but hey - what do I know… I’m only well on my way to triple digits in the notch on belt dept…
September 6th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Robo, you lose. game over son. TC has already destroyed you.
September 6th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
mention your prep school and you’re in
September 6th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Seems like they let lose a bunch of kindergarten kids. What’s next guys?? ‘My shit smells sweeter than yours’, eh??
September 6th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Personally, I’ve always been more attracted to philosophy phds. Theirs is an arrogance and intellect that the banker’s, “Bitch, I work in finNance,” never quite captured. You work in finance? I used to as well! And it was effin’ dull. The most fun to come out of it has been the self-deprecating camaraderie that websites like this one promote.
Anyway, let this be a lesson: the only green light that popular pickup line (”I work in finNance”) gives is one to take me out to dinner and to pay for my cab ride home–alone. I recommend you kids take some art history courses or something. Oh you know what? Those philosophy CDs that are advertised in “The Economist” summarizing all the greats? Yeah–buy some of those. At least you’ll have something interesting to contribute to dinner conversation (we hope).
Besides, in my experience, philosophy phds really do have bsds.. whereas the finance guys… well, I’ve been unimpressed. Well, at least you’re all a rung above doctors and lawyers (unless they’re the doctors-without-borders / constitutional law kind)
And thundercock–really? Thundercock? Oh let it be true. But yes. Good work on defending the female honour (as if any woman would ever order Stoli-Os and Redbulls for some be-gelled kid who didn’t know any better).
September 6th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Why do you hate each other and your life so much?
September 6th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Philosophy PhDs… lmao.
Anybody: “Get a job!”
Philosophy PhD: “Hmm…Why?”
September 6th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
sounds like someone got stuck in a relationship with a dirt-poor philosphy phd. damn that sucks.
September 7th, 2007 at 12:19 am
–@M&A-the mybankroll is for, the a is for arrogant, “Moreover, could anyone tell me what the hell indians are doing hitting on women in the first place?”
— ummm coz you are so freakin brain-dead that you needed us ( yeah, I am Indian) to find the little start button on Windoze?
hmm, you must be one of those ‘Finance’ people who we ( yeah in IT) lovingly call a ‘retard’
Save your hate for the ‘other’ brown folks ( you know who;), asshole. You mess with these brown folk, next thing you know you are kissing your Indian-software-$$-brown-son-in-laws-a$$ for a couple of million to pay off your gambling debts. peace and brown love, cocksucker
September 7th, 2007 at 1:25 am
i finally recognised the desparation in your utterances - you guys are the ones trying to sell us more bloomberg terminals - wankers
September 7th, 2007 at 8:40 am
why would you advocate a dead-weight girlfriend whose only occupation is to consume what you’ve earned?
besides, philosophy phds have family money ;p
September 7th, 2007 at 10:03 am
the only PHDs unimpressed female dates are those with Playa Hater Degrees, unemployed chumps who can’t ball like da rest of us… gyea!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
eh, not one of your better postings
September 7th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
ive been in the big apple since july now and all i have to tell girls is my base and that i work for wachovia capital markets.
boo-yah! sutton place to my place 15 min later - holler!
September 7th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Hahahaha! yea you go home crying because they laugh in your face! Wachovia…wachovia..wait please tell me you are kidding? Am i delirious from doing real work all day? Philosophy phd’s are the slapdicks who majored in philosophy in undergrad because they were retards, said o wait i think maybe i will go to law school and then failed to get in and now work at half price books and contemplate suicide
September 7th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
The Amex Black Card is prestigious? Is this some sort of salvia-induced 1980s flashback?
Note to the posers: Patrick Bateman is actually intended to be a socially inept loser, not a smooth operator. His violent tendencies directly stem from his lower-middle social standing among his friends who, while being vapid and useless, are all he has. If you really don’t understand it, then cut the Bateman schtick, kids.
September 8th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Super stuff; keep it up.
I’m always surprised at the apparant lack of irony in the comments posters seemingly trying to prove just HOW good they are at Banking (either that or the subtlely is superb guys…). If you were actually even vaguely serious bankers: you’d be thinking over whether Helicopter Ben’s gonna give us 25 or 50; not about where you go Balling.
September 8th, 2007 at 8:52 am
for those who participated in the dialogues of the last threads, i feel your pain. this one completely sucks: not a single funny or witty post, no biting sarcasm, nothing. only the shit splatterings of near brain dead first year analysts who still think they are paid what ever nominal number (which is of course more than anyone else in their family ever pulled at any age) is significant and that they actually matter. you have no job in pe waiting for you and no hedge fund will want you.
you will be the first ones out when the head cuts come. after they are done with the structured fin desks, they are coming for everyone in your class but the top ranked analysts and associates. i know this song and i’ve seen the dance. get your resume ready and stop spending your money bc you’ll find that outside of ib you’re pretty much un-hireable.
September 8th, 2007 at 10:04 am
respek to brown from brown. Keep it real, boi.
wharTON BSDesi
September 8th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
unimpressed female is a retarded hypocrite.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE MASKING SOME SERIOUS INSECURITY WITH ALL THAT STUPID MALE “I’M A BANKER” BRAVADO BULLSHIT. IF YOU TRULY BELIEVED IN YOURSELF, YOU WOULD NOT NEED TO PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN AND MAKE FUN OF THE THEM IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!! (BY THE WAY, NEVER MISTAKE SOMEONE’S IGNORANCE WITH STUPIDITY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOUR INDUSTRY DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE STUPID. MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR INDUSTRY EITHER.) AND, AS A WOMAN, I FIND MYSTERY TO BE A COMPLETE LOSER. HE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL TOOL. NEITHER I NOR ANY OF MY GIRLFRIENDS FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE. HE LOOKS LIKE A LOSER WITH A 4 INCH PENIS WHO MAKES UP FOR IT BY TRYING TOO HARD TO LOOK “COOL”.
September 8th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
damn desi bankers are so annoying, back office or front office, dont matter - they all try way too hard. ya’ll gotta try to fit in, and that means can’t act all overzealous
September 8th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Oh, you silly new money (read: former poor). Nothing, not even your titanium Black Card, is going to bestow you with enough cache to shake your base roots and that dirty prole blood that courses through your veins. I don’t believe I saw any of you, or even your MDs, on Fishers Island this summer. Its always easy to spot you disgusting try-to-bes by your tasteless money flaunting and vulgar inability to maintain a conversation without bringing up “My latest LBO deal, DUDE!”
Here’s a hint, no one likes a social climber - embrace your station in life and make sure that Manhattan you bring me has NO BITTERS this time.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
First, I want to say I love your website, you are sooooo funny! The thing you wrote last week about a break in the tracks, we have the same thing in fashion merchandising! Well, not exactly, but buyers are like analysts, and designers are like associates, and getting sent to Paris to powwow with new designers is like business school… Finally, being able to write at a Fashion magazine is our Mecca, like P.E. is for you (not literally for you Indian bankers, this message isn’t directed toward you, we only like WASPs)
Second, me and my girlfriends just LoVe Bankers, so ignore everything the above twit said! You guys are the last modern warrior, well… Army Rangers… Navy Seals, but really - what girl likes sweaty jacked guys, and anyway, they all look like sissies compared to a Investment Banker all suited up at Caine on a Friday night.
Also, you guys are exactly right about Philosophy Ph.D.s. Me and my girlfriends took a few out last week, and ICKY, what a terrible date. They can’t hold up a conversation like Ohio state guys can, Bankers have it down! When we bring up the new Dolce bag, you guys know exactly what we are talking about! “Yah, I totally bought that same bag for the last girl I fucked. Play your cards right, we can go shopping tomorrow!” I love shopping!!!
Anyway, to summarization my point, Bankers are the only real men left in NYC. No one wants to talk about boring things like where the world came from, or why we are here. Fashion and bankers already know why we’re here; to spend money, DUH!
-Fashonista Out
September 8th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Why is Banker Lover hanging out (or pretending to hang out) with ohio state schmucks? sounds like you’re rolling with institutional sales or something equally demeaning.
and here’s some more georgetown bashing…
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/09/business/yourmoney/09stra.html?ref=business
September 8th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Banker Lover eh? May I say all signs point to an OSU tranny banker wannabe?
Let’s sift the evidence shall we? “Anyway, to summarization my point, Bankers are the only real men left in NYC” - Do women who aren’t planning an appearance on Maury Povich actually use the phrase “real man”? No woman educated past an associates degree from ITT or DeVry should be making references to “real man”. Ergo, we are either dealing with a female juvenile (on a banker/wanker blog? unlikely, my dear Watson) or a shanghai surprise from Columbus OH.
The dead giveaway? “to summarization” - OSU is a 3rd rate state school. Where else would such poor grammar originate? Definitely not at one of the Seven Sisters, who though they provide an endless supply of dimwits to NYC’s fashion industry, drum enough grammar in them to keep them from having to report alumna employment at McDs or BK.
Finally, what real banker is going to fess up to knowing WTF a Dolce bag is? Seriously, we don’t fuckin’ care - just take the card, buy your shit and make sure you look good enough to take to the MD’s place in CT for that barbecue. Oh yeah, don’t show up MD’s wife or my ass is grass.
The clincher - as any Ivy Leaguer will tell you, OSU is the first school of choice for ladyboys.
Discuss
September 8th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Welcome to LSO, where irony is wasted…
September 9th, 2007 at 1:15 am
lmao…. all this talk and dissing about OSU from losers who know nothing about the scene… first off, OSU has the HOTTEST girls in the country… for losers who dont know, the headquarters of victoria’s secret and abercrombie and fitch are based there… Columbus, OHIO pretty much sets the fashion standard for intimate apparel and barely legal wear in the USA…
i was there for 5 days for work and let me tell you… i’ve lived in LA and NYC and the east and west coast cant compare to the quality of midwest biatches… there is nothing like taking home a girl who works for victoria’s secret and her roommate who works for abercrombie… da minute da dogg went home with them, it was a fucking fashion show…bras and panties flying everywhere…
btw, da dogg, didn’t bag them by saying I worked in FINANCE nor PE… i told them i worked in BIZ DEV for COACH and thats all it took for my 3some…
frankly, NYC biatches are stale and played out…
September 9th, 2007 at 6:42 am
Concering the few female posts, can’t image they are real, no female would ever read such a site I’d say…
September 9th, 2007 at 11:23 am
to dpg:
i would imagine that after all of the chelsea boys you’ve known, your asshole is stale and played out…
best,
tt123
September 9th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
dogg pound-
i love how every dumbass who brags about midwest and southern girls routinely has to cite the state school. well no shit, college girls are hot. dumb college girls are even hotter. but go 20 miles (or less) away from the college and you’ll be bombarded with muffin tops, cellulite, and flab. people in th midwest and south are fucking OBESE and UGLY.
i lived in a southern state for years. you quickly learn that white girls in that part of the country become wretched fatties after age 26. (britney spears anyone?)
September 10th, 2007 at 6:51 am
“The concept of Private Equity apparently didn’t quite click for her, but I played along anyway and told her we were value-based but long-term and invested in a wide range of industries. ”
This is why I return to this site.. so perfect.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Uru,
You’re an idiot. It’s a well-known fact that the south and midwest have the hottest girls in the country. I’ve been to NYC many times and was disgusted with the women I saw. Have fun with your B&T skanks at Marquee while we hook up with hot natural chicks. You NYC douchebags are downright delusional. LOL!
September 10th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Uru is right on point with the cellulite and flab observation. But college chicks are hot for sure.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Has anybody heard anything about an IB in Omaha, Nebraska?
September 10th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
pe chick, you are incredible. how do I get in touch with you?
I work in PE too for a mid market firm…
September 10th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey Banker Lover (and Fashionista),
Glad to know where our priorities lie… I think we’re looking for the same… I work in PE and love girls in fashion. How can we connect?
September 10th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
oh god that was priceless!
September 10th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Again with this turf war nonsense. I feel like I am watching TBS and they are playing the same Seinfeld for the 90th time, if by Seinfeld you mean Chicago and the midwest trumpeting the cleanliness and pulchritude of their women. Yes, great you have cornfed white women, but without a coast and beaches on which to watch them in their bikinis, what is the point? You want props for producing beauitful women and being unable to keep their interest? That’s awesome dude, sounds like Croatia. So now that you’re like Croatia, when are you guys going to start driving Citroen coupes and gang raping goats? Is that the message you want to send about Chicago? That you’re a bunch of guys that like going DVDA on unsuspecting goats?
September 10th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
chicago -
you’re a fucking retard. the midwest is full of lard-asses with cottage cheese thighs. it’s a verifiable statistic that the fattest cities in america are in the midwest. and yet somehow you feel these girls are also the hottest in America? what’s wrong with you, dude?
i have a sense that you’re gauging the midwest’s talent by the 21-25 year old white recent college grad subset, who currently still have a tight body. i can guarantee you that those kind of midwest chicks will fall apart on you in just a few years.
if the same girl went to USC and is now living in hollywood or malibu, she’ll still be smoking hot.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Yes, we read this site and yes, we judge you by your suits.
You read THE GAME to get in our pants, we read sites like this to get in your heads so we can decide whether we’ll want to let you in our pants. Girls are way more strategic than guys because we just better understand the power of social dynamics.
Despite what you might think, Finance is not the ultimate teacher of power. Men like conquest and women like exploiting that tendency. Social power, which contributes much to seduction, is simply part of a girl’s education.
M&A (Mybankroll & Arrogant): I am already attracted to you. We would be a disaster.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
hey girl who actually reads this site - are you a happy fatty from Chicago or a sad slut from New York?
September 11th, 2007 at 1:26 am
Some of your best shit yet.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:52 am
Where is Chicago located exactly?
September 11th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Santa Monica girl in Chicago (for b-school) who is not among the “fall apart” in the next few years crowd. We see plenty of you GAMERS out in Southern California. It’s lame. Much like you, LBO.
Still, I love reading this site. It’s hysterical.
September 11th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Brilliant post dude. u nailed it. keep em coming
September 11th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Whatever you’re so full of shit. No one is from Santa Monica. Santa Monica is the place where cute, but not pretty, midwest girls endup when they move to Southern California. I’m sure you’re already developing that ring of belly fat.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
elitist is a fucking retard or an Iowa state econ grad. george washington is not the same as georgetown as you claim from your post/NYT article reference. go prepare that pitchbook for your jeffries VP, you fucking clown.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Ooh, so charming! Are you always this lovely with girls you don’t know? Your argumentative nature says a lot. Where I’m from (California) and where I live (Chicago) and where I’ve worked (Chicago/New York) is not worth debate. This is the Internet, buddy, and generalizations just show your lack of worldliness.
Moving on…
September 11th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Girl who actually reads this site,
I generally try to refrain from participating in the babble around these parts, but I felt compelled to step in this time. Assuming you actually visit this site more than once per week, specifically for the comedy that is the comment thread, as I do, what you are missing, or possibly simply neglecting to mention, is that guys don’t need to be strategic. Social dynamics work in our favor.
We are on any given night after a different end and therefore employ different means. Being single in Manhattan is like participating in an efficient market. If I can employ a random walk theory to this market, then think of my suit as an unlimited supply of darts to throw at the business section that is any bar in the city. Simply by showing up, I am virtually assured of at least earning market returns.
Or let’s th