Monday, July 30, 2007
Breaks In The Track
I sent the email last week:
Friends and colleagues,
After two very educational years, the time has come for me to leave Goldman Sachs. Beginning in August, I will be moving on to my next adventure, The Carlyle Group in New York. I have attached my updated contact information below, and look forward to keeping in touch.
Warmest regards,
It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.
To be truthful, I had already been pretty checked out for the past few months. Ever since I got my PE offer, things were almost pointless. Most recently, I’d taken to coming in at like 11:00am and, in general, not really giving a FUCK.
I still got everything done exceptionally, of course, and I still came in some weekends, but it was almost just out of habit. Then when the summer started and the clueless “ex-entrepreneur” MBA summer associate starting coming to me asking for help, I would just peek up at him from behind my kicked up bare feet, and tell him: “Give me a shout on Monday.” I’d look annoyed, as if he’d interrupted some sort of bare-footed piece of analysis he’d never be able to comprehend, and to accentuate that I didn’t really want to be bothered on Monday, I’d shoot him a look of I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that screamed: “What’s more busted bro, your dot-com or your girlfriend’s face?”
And now I’ve left, and I’m jobless. Well, I’m obviously not jobless, but that’s the liberating feeling of all breaks along The Track:
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| Innovative graphic design courtesy of Mercer Management Consulting (they’ll take whatever business they can get, apparently). |
The Track is what separates man from beast. It’s what separates Banker from every other ungainfully employed idiot that exists out there. It’s magnificent in its simplicity and supreme in the rewards of its end-state.
And thank god it’s set up how it is. When an “artist,” writer, or other unspeakable is “in between jobs,” he ends up giving blood 12x a day, wearing homemade jorts, and living off Gray’s Papaya (or whatever the outer-borough version of that is). When a Banker is in between jobs, he’s just fucking around for a couple months with >$100k savings until the next leg of The Track begins.
I’ll admit, I’m rather enjoying waking up whenever the hell and going to the gym 2x a day. Just this week, I watched Transformers in the theater at 3 in the afternoon after lifting. Halfway through that exceptionally manly movie, I felt like a meathead trader I was so jacked up on testosterone. I almost picked a fight with the dude in front of me, but instead of absolutely destroying the 85 year old, handicapped Asian man, I went home and stood in front of my full-length mirror and watched myself rapidly change from my street clothes into my Banker clothes.
One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second—BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows.
The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.
Then I chuckled to myself and made a clever joke about the demise of Optimus Subprime, a once promising autobot.
Now, I’m going to “travel.” I’m not entirely certain why, but it feels like the right thing to do. There are a handful of developing third world nations I’ve heard are worth visiting: Turkey, Croatia, Fire Island, et.al., and this is the time to conquer them, if ever.
I may go through the motions of seeing a couple sites, but the experience is more so that when I do start work and people ask me what I did during my time off, I’ll be able to casually say: “Oh…I was traveling.” And then, we’ll bask in 15 minutes of stimulating conversation about the insanely high prices of Icelandic beer and the rich body of Turkish tobacco. After a few days, I’ll start circulating some lavish sex stories involving me, an excess of HRK, and several runway models with broken English—just so the word gets out that I’m “’bout it.” The message will disseminate, and I’ll be set up well. Actually—if I didn’t take this time to travel, I’m not even certain how I’d break the ice.
Anyway, after rounding out the European leg of the trip boozing on my boy’s yacht in Istanbul and abusing whatever the Turkish word for “baller” is, I might even stop home for a spell. I project I’ll be able to stand at most 2 days before I’ve grown disgusted of my friends that were fun in the moment but never made it past community college and will have completely exhausted my phonebook of elementary school teaching sluts that try ferociously to reel me in with their expertise in homemaking. Poor suburbanites.
Soon after, this break along The Track will be over, and my next “adventure” will begin. While it is fun living this jobless lifestyle, I’m glad I’ll be back at work in a few short weeks—the economy needs me.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:57 am
again, greatness
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 am
“ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows” - best part.
Turkey isn’t 3rd world though, but I guess that title can be used for anywhere outside of NYC.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Optimus Subprime..very nice.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:21 am
The Track is a work of art
July 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
sucked
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
great fucking entry this month. keep it up. optimus subprime.. lol
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Hi there,
Remember me? I am Susie, and we went to elementary school together. You were so cute back then, with greasy hair, dirty shirt and a perpetually running nose. I remember you always got picked up by Bob the Hustler, and I felt so sorry for you when he made you lick his shoes in front of the entire school. But that was a long time ago. I can see now you’re all grown up and successful! By the way, what is Private Equity? Sounds like a fancy job! I hope have fun at your new job and stop by and say hi when you do come home!
Love,
Susie
July 30th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I fucking love this shit - it really brightens up my day.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:43 am
sigh….was this worth the month long wait ?
July 30th, 2007 at 10:50 am
“The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking” I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:51 am
not your best work
July 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
congrats on the job
got a good chuckle out of optimus subprime.
bust that shit out to the ladies when you’re out.
carlyle’s great, had a few good years there. but then of course, break #4 had to break.
July 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am
always good for a laugh. to be fair, though, i just hope you’re as handsome and as successful with women as the tone of your writing suggests. otherwise, i’m very, very sorry for you. great piece, as always
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
July 30th, 2007 at 11:58 am
more more more~!
July 30th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
very funny. fire island is indeed a developing country.
let’s have more actual banking jokes rather than education/clothes/women jokes. those are cool but balance is best. oh, and let’s not wait like 50 days for the next one, ok?
July 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Ridiculously good stuff…..keep it up
July 30th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
i work in finance! i’m sooooo cool! shut the fuck up.
July 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
“One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second—BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows.
The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.”
pissing myself in tears. yeh you heard right!
July 30th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I love finance, but like all jobs, it has it’s downsides. The positive comments about this month’s disgraceful entry only serve to remind me of what losers some of my colleagues are.
So, while you all “piss yourselves”, which clearly indicates that you don’t dress in $3000 bespoke suits, I am going to get a pair of Tods on and go and look for some interns.
July 30th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
That was almost too good. I ejaculated while reading it..
July 30th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Shooter…pow, pow!
July 30th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Has it occured to you that you every bit the bitch for carlysle that the school teachers are to you?
you can fake it kid, but you are still just a wanna be with an expense account.
July 30th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Wow, not only is “roger” bitter that he works in the back office at Wachovia, he is incapable of spelling Carlyle correctly when its posted right above.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I think we all know that roger is the biggest rainmaker in the compliance department at Wells Fargo Securities
July 30th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Anon 2:36 - no you did not !
please go see someone
July 30th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Jorts, pure comedy……
July 30th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
What’s wrong with the back office at Wachovia? As far as back offices go, it’s pretty nice. I hear they get to wear Jorts on Fridays.
July 30th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
your track looks like:
HS
Break
Tier 2 state school
Break
Apply for position at BAS, WCM, etc and get pounded at interviews
Break
Accept job at “somewhere that would take you” and start a satirical blog aimed at the purest profession in the world
Break
Completely run our of material and try,
hopelessly, to cling on to my disintegrating fan base.
Bring your A game next month.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Are you kiddin’ Compliance is too good for Roger. That guy is saying “next in line” at the Wells Fargo branch.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
i noticed that post-break #3 is PE/HF. just curious, are hedge funds considered as prestigous as private equity funds?
(forgive the ignorance pls)
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Poor Optimus Subprime… They should’ve thought twice before arming him with all those explosive weapons. Who knew that your sparing match (when you used your M&A laser) would unintentionally detonate his entire artillery and set off a chain reaction explosion that killed him.
I’m sure he will come back in another form… If Optimum Prime came back from the dead, then I’m sure Optimus Subprime could do the same.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:01 am
These are the types of kids I beat up.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:09 am
Have you seen those credit markets? Optimus Mutha Fucking Prime of PE is going to have some serious trouble doing deals when the 1L is spread wider than his momma’s legs, and the 2L redefines usury…(and the bridges you’ll be funding ain’t equity bridges baby!)
July 31st, 2007 at 7:17 am
WTF
July 31st, 2007 at 7:54 am
turkey: good choice
enjoy balling in my home town
July 31st, 2007 at 8:27 am
Oooh… not retail banking…
July 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am
Keep up the good work, and I’ll keep up following the track…only a step behind…
July 31st, 2007 at 9:52 am
if whoring yourself out to the merchants of death for 6 figures is your idea of success, best of luck in your next thousand lives as a maggot at the bottom of a lollapalooza porta-potty.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:15 am
This is not what Goldman employees are like. Or, this might be what analysts that will never make it to VP or above at Goldman are like.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:46 am
“These are the types of kids I beat up.”
I see that you’re still dreaming about your high school football glory days, Bundy. How’s Peg doing?
July 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am
The break that Banker McChoad forgot in his progression is the break where he gets a MBA and rises above the analyst class into the executive class.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:25 am
Weak. Sounds like our protagonist has lost his self-confidence.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am
if any of you had any real talent you would be working for me.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:00 pm
i’m glad to be back at work in a few short weeks, the economy needs me
July 31st, 2007 at 12:35 pm
roger anyone who has your level of hatred towards successful financial professionals like myself and other bankers who frequent this site is clearly jealous of how deep we actually roll. Shut the fuck up and get back to work, I’m sure there’s someone waiting to open a checking account.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I am glad that you are back posting, but it seems that you are losing it. And as you get worse, the market sells off. you may be a great bubble indicator
July 31st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Makes me want to swerve at a homeless person in my M3 convertible on the way home from the bars.
Well done.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
“It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.”
A true baller wouldn’t give a fuck what he wrote and if he did, it certainly wouldn’t take him 6 hours to craft it. Loser.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:50 pm
a lot of bankers are like well paid real estate agents .. except they crank on spreadsheets all day .. as if it were proof they had some valuable skill that an capable accountant couldn’t do.
those who make it into a respectable pe firm have a chance to learn from nonbankers who know whats really going on in business.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:18 pm
i love how all the non-banker wannabes that hang around this site feel the need to explain that analysts are entry-level minions that work on spreadsheets all day. No shit sherlock. Only difference is bankers are paid lots of money to be pee-ons and will just continue to make more. Non-bankers do bitch jobs for 35k a year. Who’s more of a loser?
July 31st, 2007 at 5:30 pm
As a former consultant, turned banker - I would like to say nice use of the Chevrons.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:51 pm
You guys all sound really cool. Kudos to the author who’s satire is so well done that the very people he’s making fun of come on here and jerk off on each other. Its almost too good to be true.
July 31st, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Natasha Mitra is going to kick ur ass !!!!
July 31st, 2007 at 9:37 pm
LSO, is like the Perez Hilton of Finance.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Great post as usual. I am sure you will sell out to a book deal next:)
August 1st, 2007 at 12:07 am
Awesome!!!!
“There are a handful of developing third world nations I’ve heard are worth visiting: Turkey, Croatia, Fire Island, et.al., ”
ROFL.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:44 am
I’m laughing my ass off hearing about all these PE deals that can’t close. You guys will be lucky to get a job at wamu when this PE/M+A bubble finally bursts. At least your book will have a colorful ending. . .
August 1st, 2007 at 7:47 am
Support previous post that the satire focuses more on lifestyle than actual finance.
You could replace “banker” with “consultant” and get the same effect.
Get back on track, LSO!
August 1st, 2007 at 9:48 am
-12 votes + -Chitown Baby Said:
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
^^^
I love all the bitterness from the folks who graduated from 3rd tier state school MBA programs (University of Wisconsin Oshkosh — what up!) and now have middle market finance jobs at inconsequential public companies that will inevitably be taken private, only to make said middle market finance job obsolete.
The fact of the matter is that when the debt market crashes and the interest rate blows up, everyone in PE will take a long, 2-year, very enjoyable break from deploying capital until things calms down. We can call that Magical Break #5. For instance, during that time, I plan on taking your wife, Ms. Chi Town baby, to Nantucket to play on my yacht, as we get busy in the lower cabin while she shoots you text messages telling you how much she loves you. But we won’t emerge from the lower cabin, because I can only be seen in Nantucket with supermodels, and Ms. Chi Town is hardly a supermodel, though she does have a small-town, Chicago-girl charm that’s makes me feel like I’m poking a “regular girl,” which is actually an ironic fantasy for kings like me.
Anyway, after the debt markets re-group and we can actually start borrowing money again, we’ll go right back to it – buying companies, strapping them down with debt, firing people who’ve been with the company for decades to save a few cents (like you), and reselling them to our friends at another PE shop for a premium.
But all during the meantime, we were living off of hype-ass management fees for two years. A good life indeed.
You say you wouldn’t barter your piss for a job in PE. Good. All the piss in the world wouldn’t qualify you for a job cleaning our marble bathrooms and $6,000 cappuccino machine, biotch.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:30 am
As a former GS banker who just finished up 2yrs of PE (Blackstone), I say congratulations! Too bad you are getting into PE at the beginning of the downfall. What a great time it was to be in PE the past two years. On break now, next adventure, Stanford GSB.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am
Howdy Doody.
Good peace dog. You’re a big wang-holder aren’t yeah. Well, thanks for another stimulating wangsmoothie. Give me more next time.
Suzzie Hellogaymen
August 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am
Anybody who reads this stuff and doesn’t realize that it’s complete satire is a f–king idiot. Just take it with a grain of salt. And, ideally, a sense of humor.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:42 am
dude ur pretty gay get a life and get over yourself ur not that cool by the way PE has gone to hell
August 1st, 2007 at 12:14 pm
General Tso
Wow, I didnt realize the Chicago GSB got downgraded so much on the rankings. Where exactly did you graduate from tough guy?
August 1st, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Way to get that PE job…
…as leverage unwinds and bridge financing increases every day.
You Baller, You!
August 1st, 2007 at 12:30 pm
For all the people congratulating/shaming his recent “promotion”… get with it, the entire blog’s purely satirical.
Like Schwarzman saying he doesn’t like crab legs… complete fabrication.
And Roger, just shut up. You have just confirmed every suspicion I had about the custodial staff who work at Edward Jones.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I am interested to see what people have to say…in your opinion what are???
1. The top 5 I banks right now
2. The best up and coming bank
3. The biggest jokes
August 1st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I knew a guy at Edward Jones who bought Amgen in ‘04; dumped it in ‘06 and then short sold it in ‘07.
That state school jerk is now shacked up with models and bottles. Choad…
In the meantime my analyst class endures utter agony in NYC.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:01 pm
another leveraged sellout gem
August 1st, 2007 at 4:40 pm
There shouldn’t be a comma in the last sentence of your email.
You should have left some time to proofread during those 6 hours.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Update: roger was recently fired from his custodial job at Edward Jones because he was spending too much time on the computer seeing how many votes his lame posts got on this site (-30+ in aggregate). Luckily he scored a temp job fixing the photocopier at an Ameriprise branch in Fresno. He’s hoping he can leverage that into banking.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Today someone asked me if I could help them get a job as a teller at my bank. Naturally I laughed in his face, whiped his messenger bag to the pavement, and dropped a deuce on the CHAPS logo while simultaneously closing a killer deal via my treo and texting “blow job tonight?” to my mistress.
Sure…I felt better- but more importantly I think that young man learned a lot about himself today. Namely, that I am better than him.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Spark,
Why assume he’s reliving high school football days? He may be kicking your ass this weekend.
Reliving your high school top 1% status is equally lame.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Sure…I felt better- but more importantly I think that young man learned a lot about himself today. Namely, that I am better than him.
CLASSIC!!!!!!
August 1st, 2007 at 11:51 pm
the only vacation you’ve taken since undergrad and it appears that your highlight was turkey????? at least postpone your start at carlysle and hit up Amsterdam for 1 week, bang some biatches who are twice your height and come back with some decent stories…
spreadsheets, MDs asses, and hoes all a PE N@#$a knows…
Gyea!
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:29 am
Satire - A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
A little bit of help for you morons, bankers or otherwise, that believe this character to be real. Even my Chinese colleagues can recognise satirical writing. We are truly stunned, but more than happy to read, your comments and endless bravado.
Keep up the good work. You are doing America proud…
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:12 am
you are sad and not funny
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 am
sweet post. the track makes me feel like i’m going to blow up from jelousy. love it.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:34 am
Most of you younger bankers, PE and HF guys will be laid off in the coming year or two b/c of the credit crunch and economic downturn. HTH.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 am
Johnny Drama, is that you? Love it!
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
the track makes me feel sad, because it is the perfect graphic representation of the way i feel about my life.
but then i fell off and landed in biglaw.
oh noes.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
You are a fucking fag dude. I have more respect for the huge dump I had this morning than your dumb ass. Seriously, you are a nobody.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Am currently enjoying 16 days in the Mediterranean, the Costa Brava to be semi-precise. Using my Blackberry 8300 World Edition to check this new posting out. Apparently a few of my pals thought it was apropos for me to add to my virtual reading stack. Am going on my “break” when I get back 3 days later. I figured it was better to gets paid for the vacation, do my break on the clock, and then drop the bomb when I get back. I highly recommend Ibiza and Mykonos (where I’m headed next) over Turkey. Dogg Pound was right that Turkey was a lame-ass place to go. Who the fuck is this little Roger pussy? Chi-Town Baby, they are letting u have it, Wisconsin for bschool?
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
“I’d look annoyed, as if he’d interrupted some sort of bare-footed piece of analysis he’d never be able to comprehend”
Priceless. The drive to acquire such Zen-like “analysis” is what keeps the wheels of the finance world turning. It is only when the lions cruising down the yellow brick road realize that Oz was blowing smoke up their assess the whole time, that these now-jaded cubs face a turning point: man-up and become an Oz or wilt into a “Roger”.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Chitown Baby Said:
August 1st, 2007 at 12:14 pm
General Tso
Wow, I didnt realize the Chicago GSB got downgraded so much on the rankings. Where exactly did you graduate from tough guy?
^^^
–general tso’s undergrad degree in English from Princeton: $160,000
–general tso’s degree from HBS: $120,000
–Chi town baby’s wife: $480 (cost to fly her out to Nantucket…coach ticket [ewwwwwww])
–being called “tough guy” by Mr. UW Osh Kosh himself: priceless
I would say that for everything else, there’s Visa…but I haven’t used anything except my Black Card (or as I refer to it, the Don Cheadle Card) in so long, I forgot what Visa looks like.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Not everyone goes for MBA to automatically become an Associate. I put in 4 years after graduating prior to going for my MBA and I actually did it to get into a completely different industry.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey General Tso
I find it hard to believe anyone with those academic credentials would waste their precious time posting on the internets on a random website. I figure they’d probably be working hard making money.
So tell us, did Cleveland St have a good econ program?
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
ASSPOUND
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:36 pm
what about the part in the track where you retire at the age of 48, serve as an adjunct professor of econ or finance, and spend the rest of your time traveling between florida for tarpon fishing and montana for flyfishing? i mean, hedge funds are cool, but seriously…
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Boring. Quit reading 1/4 way.
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Who the fuck gets a degree in English?
Wharton, baby!
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:13 am
“Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, Baby”
priceless…
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:19 am
I must simply assume that you are a moron that wasn’t able to get into Princeton, and therefore dismiss you comment as a giant display of douchbaggery. I think it fair to make this assumption because Princeton is among the best learning institutions in the world, and anyone who can’t recognize this is a genuine fucktard.
All the best
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:31 am
ASSPOUND SWORDSWALLOWER
GAYYEAH he is
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Funny stuff….I think it is important to keep everything in perspective…P/E, banking is for fools…the future belongs to those who actually create things that everyman can use. Cars, ships, Salsa to name a few.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Ha. I am an engineer, but I find this article quite funny. Funny enough to comment on it, hehe. It’s great how all you banking dudes love to spin your wheels on this site, and the “leveraged sellout” name is clever as well. And the subprime joke was classic. And the Mercer consulting joke, hehe. I know someone who works there, I bet he will get a real kick out of it. Hehe. Hehe.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:50 am
well, some of use another track
university(optional)-> start a business -> greatness
much more elegant and useful for the economy that you so much care about
August 4th, 2007 at 7:04 am
general tso Said:
August 1st, 2007 at 9:48 am
-12 votes + -Chitown Baby Said:
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
^^^
I love all the bitterness from the folks who graduated from 3rd tier state school MBA programs (University of Wisconsin Oshkosh — what up!) and now have middle market finance jobs at inconsequential public companies that will inevitably be taken private, only to make said middle market finance job obsolete.
The fact of the matter is that when the debt market crashes and the interest rate blows up, everyone in PE will take a long, 2-year, very enjoyable break from deploying capital until things calms down. We can call that Magical Break #5. For instance, during that time, I plan on taking your wife, Ms. Chi Town baby, to Nantucket to play on my yacht, as we get busy in the lower cabin while she shoots you text messages telling you how much she loves you. But we won’t emerge from the lower cabin, because I can only be seen in Nantucket with supermodels, and Ms. Chi Town is hardly a supermodel, though she does have a small-town, Chicago-girl charm that’s makes me feel like I’m poking a “regular girl,” which is actually an ironic fantasy for kings like me.
———————————–
Uhh, this whole post smacks of irony, which is fitting given this whole site is one giant satire which seems to have slip over so many heads. I can’t tell if your being serious or not, but buyout booms don’t go in 2 year cycles. They move in more like 15 year cycles; and guess where we are in that cycle. That’s right, the top. You think Schwartzman sold such a huge steak in BS just so he could share some of the enourmous returns with the ‘poy? HAH. Nope, he got out at the top, just like you should do, and look for a new job. PE is going to start struggling with their huge debt load, the credit markets are going to slip further by the wayside, and you are going to be out a job. See you again in 15 years.
The one part of your post that I can even sort of empathize with is the ironic pleasure in fucking a regular girl. Theres something special about knowing your dragging a wholesome girl down to your level - but alas, fuck it, in the wreckage of the Titanic I need to float on something!
August 4th, 2007 at 9:18 am
why is starting another business necessarily better for the economy? cramming another doomed fast-food joint into southern california is useless. using those same dollars to give capital to a decent company who can leverage it into higher growth, and higher wealth, for the country is far more effective.
August 4th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
I didn’t know this site was home to such an impressive group of armchair economic forecasters. Who knew credit markets move in “15 year cycles”? I guess since that guy said it, it must be true. PE shops knew times were good so they bought every fucking company they could find. Now they can ride out the current weak credit markets by actually making money with what they already own.
August 4th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
This is all very entertaining; but I think I’ll stick to baseball. It’s not even work and the girls really like us.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Hahaha
you’re disgusting. Digusting.
August 5th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
eh
August 5th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
just great…thank you…the comments of the people sometimes give me an even bigger laugh but the source, the pieces posted on this blog…bloody brilliant…keep it up. And congrats.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Love all this, who would have thought so many Americans actually understand irony. By the way for those who dont, you should try living somewhere where you earn proper salaries like London. We pay our MBA monkeys pretty much more than anybody else, we have the pick of the Ivy league schools and we still end up sacking most of them after a year or so as they all think they understand everything & know nothing. They have nice teeth though.
August 6th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Get with it… the smart people are in govt contracting.
Fuck the economy, the government is always hiring and can’t outsource most of it jobs.
August 6th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Who the fuck is Ron Paul??
August 6th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Hey London,
You better pay your monkeys more than Stateside. With your ridiculous cost of living, they would be lucky to net the same as an analyst monkey across the pond.
I like London a lot: drinking beer in the street, good tailors. But don’t give me your better than thou attitude when you’re happy to live in overpriced rat cages across the river and are paying $14 USD for a slice of cheesecake at OXO. Still thinking you’re superior while living such a sad lifestyle is truly ironic.
August 6th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
At first I thought a simple copy-and-paste of your neat little flow chart may have explained why HS was used instead of Boarding School, but then it dawned on me: you probably didn’t go to one. You probably went to some jv public school, which explains why you play up all that other shit so much. The truth is you will never know what it’s like to be part of a true boys club because you missed out on the first and most crucial rung on the ladder. tool
August 6th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
NYC is a city in decline. Chicago is where it’s at. It’s cleaner, better quality of living, better nightlife, and way hotter women. All you NYC douchebags should get over yourself.
August 6th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I laughed so hard at this story, my boy’s dick fell out of my ass!
August 6th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Half way through break number 1 and 2… that chart looks like the plans of everyone I know (or at least take seriously)
August 7th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Muni banker in the hizzouse
August 7th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Hahaha looks like “craig mcdermott’s” little prep school education didn’t teach him how to capitalize or how to interpret satire. That’s right Craig (see how I capitalized the c?), the author is a real banker! And he is serious about everything he says! You probably write letters to the editor of The Onion every week to tell him that his news is inaccurate, don’t you? I don’t think going to a fancy prep school compensates for the fact that your parents are brother and sister, Craig. I hope you can get your two lazy eyes to focus long enough to read this.
- Entrepreneur
P.S. - Princeton still sucks my balls.
August 7th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Interesting post from Craig - his phenomenal boarding school upbringing and “old boys network” still couldn’t get him into a top college.
I guess I would also be astoundingly pathetic and brag about my HIGH SCHOOL (is there really anything more pathetic than this) if i got stuck at Brown, Georgetwon, or some other 2nd tier school.
August 7th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
i missed you.
if you’re on break, can’t you post more often?
August 7th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Private preschool, son
August 7th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Be a douche banker for 2 years, get a cozy job in a shitty, small firm, surf every evening, live modestly, fuck goth/hippie/poor chicks.
Horrifying for some of you douchebags, i KNOW, but sounds like heaven for a lazy trust fund kid.
August 7th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
I fail to comprehend how you or anyone would categorize Georgetown as a second tier school.
I am a product of public school system, but i managed to get into Georgetown (which has lower acceptance rate than Princeton and Harvard-with all due respect to these fine institutions of academia) as well as Princeton and Duke…while working in GS prior to getting my MBA i can tel you thi