Monday, July 30, 2007
Breaks In The Track
I sent the email last week:
Friends and colleagues,
After two very educational years, the time has come for me to leave Goldman Sachs. Beginning in August, I will be moving on to my next adventure, The Carlyle Group in New York. I have attached my updated contact information below, and look forward to keeping in touch.
Warmest regards,
It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.
To be truthful, I had already been pretty checked out for the past few months. Ever since I got my PE offer, things were almost pointless. Most recently, I’d taken to coming in at like 11:00am and, in general, not really giving a FUCK.
I still got everything done exceptionally, of course, and I still came in some weekends, but it was almost just out of habit. Then when the summer started and the clueless “ex-entrepreneur” MBA summer associate starting coming to me asking for help, I would just peek up at him from behind my kicked up bare feet, and tell him: “Give me a shout on Monday.” I’d look annoyed, as if he’d interrupted some sort of bare-footed piece of analysis he’d never be able to comprehend, and to accentuate that I didn’t really want to be bothered on Monday, I’d shoot him a look of I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that screamed: “What’s more busted bro, your dot-com or your girlfriend’s face?”
And now I’ve left, and I’m jobless. Well, I’m obviously not jobless, but that’s the liberating feeling of all breaks along The Track:
|
| Innovative graphic design courtesy of Mercer Management Consulting (they’ll take whatever business they can get, apparently). |
The Track is what separates man from beast. It’s what separates Banker from every other ungainfully employed idiot that exists out there. It’s magnificent in its simplicity and supreme in the rewards of its end-state.
And thank god it’s set up how it is. When an “artist,” writer, or other unspeakable is “in between jobs,” he ends up giving blood 12x a day, wearing homemade jorts, and living off Gray’s Papaya (or whatever the outer-borough version of that is). When a Banker is in between jobs, he’s just fucking around for a couple months with >$100k savings until the next leg of The Track begins.
I’ll admit, I’m rather enjoying waking up whenever the hell and going to the gym 2x a day. Just this week, I watched Transformers in the theater at 3 in the afternoon after lifting. Halfway through that exceptionally manly movie, I felt like a meathead trader I was so jacked up on testosterone. I almost picked a fight with the dude in front of me, but instead of absolutely destroying the 85 year old, handicapped Asian man, I went home and stood in front of my full-length mirror and watched myself rapidly change from my street clothes into my Banker clothes.
One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second—BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows.
The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.
Then I chuckled to myself and made a clever joke about the demise of Optimus Subprime, a once promising autobot.
Now, I’m going to “travel.” I’m not entirely certain why, but it feels like the right thing to do. There are a handful of developing third world nations I’ve heard are worth visiting: Turkey, Croatia, Fire Island, et.al., and this is the time to conquer them, if ever.
I may go through the motions of seeing a couple sites, but the experience is more so that when I do start work and people ask me what I did during my time off, I’ll be able to casually say: “Oh…I was traveling.” And then, we’ll bask in 15 minutes of stimulating conversation about the insanely high prices of Icelandic beer and the rich body of Turkish tobacco. After a few days, I’ll start circulating some lavish sex stories involving me, an excess of HRK, and several runway models with broken English—just so the word gets out that I’m “’bout it.” The message will disseminate, and I’ll be set up well. Actually—if I didn’t take this time to travel, I’m not even certain how I’d break the ice.
Anyway, after rounding out the European leg of the trip boozing on my boy’s yacht in Istanbul and abusing whatever the Turkish word for “baller” is, I might even stop home for a spell. I project I’ll be able to stand at most 2 days before I’ve grown disgusted of my friends that were fun in the moment but never made it past community college and will have completely exhausted my phonebook of elementary school teaching sluts that try ferociously to reel me in with their expertise in homemaking. Poor suburbanites.
Soon after, this break along The Track will be over, and my next “adventure” will begin. While it is fun living this jobless lifestyle, I’m glad I’ll be back at work in a few short weeks—the economy needs me.
What's News?
↵ Ex-Investment Banker and pending Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel says America lacks “attention to detail.”
July 30th, 2007 at 9:57 am
again, greatness
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 am
“ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows” - best part.
Turkey isn’t 3rd world though, but I guess that title can be used for anywhere outside of NYC.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Optimus Subprime..very nice.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:21 am
The Track is a work of art
July 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
sucked
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
great fucking entry this month. keep it up. optimus subprime.. lol
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Hi there,
Remember me? I am Susie, and we went to elementary school together. You were so cute back then, with greasy hair, dirty shirt and a perpetually running nose. I remember you always got picked up by Bob the Hustler, and I felt so sorry for you when he made you lick his shoes in front of the entire school. But that was a long time ago. I can see now you’re all grown up and successful! By the way, what is Private Equity? Sounds like a fancy job! I hope have fun at your new job and stop by and say hi when you do come home!
Love,
Susie
July 30th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I fucking love this shit - it really brightens up my day.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:43 am
sigh….was this worth the month long wait ?
July 30th, 2007 at 10:50 am
“The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking” I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:51 am
not your best work
July 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
congrats on the job
got a good chuckle out of optimus subprime.
bust that shit out to the ladies when you’re out.
carlyle’s great, had a few good years there. but then of course, break #4 had to break.
July 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am
always good for a laugh. to be fair, though, i just hope you’re as handsome and as successful with women as the tone of your writing suggests. otherwise, i’m very, very sorry for you. great piece, as always
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
July 30th, 2007 at 11:58 am
more more more~!
July 30th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
very funny. fire island is indeed a developing country.
let’s have more actual banking jokes rather than education/clothes/women jokes. those are cool but balance is best. oh, and let’s not wait like 50 days for the next one, ok?
July 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Ridiculously good stuff…..keep it up
July 30th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
i work in finance! i’m sooooo cool! shut the fuck up.
July 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
“One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second—BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows.
The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.”
pissing myself in tears. yeh you heard right!
July 30th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I love finance, but like all jobs, it has it’s downsides. The positive comments about this month’s disgraceful entry only serve to remind me of what losers some of my colleagues are.
So, while you all “piss yourselves”, which clearly indicates that you don’t dress in $3000 bespoke suits, I am going to get a pair of Tods on and go and look for some interns.
July 30th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
That was almost too good. I ejaculated while reading it..
July 30th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Shooter…pow, pow!
July 30th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Has it occured to you that you every bit the bitch for carlysle that the school teachers are to you?
you can fake it kid, but you are still just a wanna be with an expense account.
July 30th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Wow, not only is “roger” bitter that he works in the back office at Wachovia, he is incapable of spelling Carlyle correctly when its posted right above.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I think we all know that roger is the biggest rainmaker in the compliance department at Wells Fargo Securities
July 30th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Anon 2:36 - no you did not !
please go see someone
July 30th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Jorts, pure comedy……
July 30th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
What’s wrong with the back office at Wachovia? As far as back offices go, it’s pretty nice. I hear they get to wear Jorts on Fridays.
July 30th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
your track looks like:
HS
Break
Tier 2 state school
Break
Apply for position at BAS, WCM, etc and get pounded at interviews
Break
Accept job at “somewhere that would take you” and start a satirical blog aimed at the purest profession in the world
Break
Completely run our of material and try,
hopelessly, to cling on to my disintegrating fan base.
Bring your A game next month.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Are you kiddin’ Compliance is too good for Roger. That guy is saying “next in line” at the Wells Fargo branch.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
i noticed that post-break #3 is PE/HF. just curious, are hedge funds considered as prestigous as private equity funds?
(forgive the ignorance pls)
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Poor Optimus Subprime… They should’ve thought twice before arming him with all those explosive weapons. Who knew that your sparing match (when you used your M&A laser) would unintentionally detonate his entire artillery and set off a chain reaction explosion that killed him.
I’m sure he will come back in another form… If Optimum Prime came back from the dead, then I’m sure Optimus Subprime could do the same.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:01 am
These are the types of kids I beat up.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:09 am
Have you seen those credit markets? Optimus Mutha Fucking Prime of PE is going to have some serious trouble doing deals when the 1L is spread wider than his momma’s legs, and the 2L redefines usury…(and the bridges you’ll be funding ain’t equity bridges baby!)
July 31st, 2007 at 7:17 am
WTF
July 31st, 2007 at 7:54 am
turkey: good choice
enjoy balling in my home town
July 31st, 2007 at 8:27 am
Oooh… not retail banking…
July 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am
Keep up the good work, and I’ll keep up following the track…only a step behind…
July 31st, 2007 at 9:52 am
if whoring yourself out to the merchants of death for 6 figures is your idea of success, best of luck in your next thousand lives as a maggot at the bottom of a lollapalooza porta-potty.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:15 am
This is not what Goldman employees are like. Or, this might be what analysts that will never make it to VP or above at Goldman are like.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:46 am
“These are the types of kids I beat up.”
I see that you’re still dreaming about your high school football glory days, Bundy. How’s Peg doing?
July 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am
The break that Banker McChoad forgot in his progression is the break where he gets a MBA and rises above the analyst class into the executive class.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:25 am
Weak. Sounds like our protagonist has lost his self-confidence.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am
if any of you had any real talent you would be working for me.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:00 pm
i’m glad to be back at work in a few short weeks, the economy needs me
July 31st, 2007 at 12:35 pm
roger anyone who has your level of hatred towards successful financial professionals like myself and other bankers who frequent this site is clearly jealous of how deep we actually roll. Shut the fuck up and get back to work, I’m sure there’s someone waiting to open a checking account.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I am glad that you are back posting, but it seems that you are losing it. And as you get worse, the market sells off. you may be a great bubble indicator
July 31st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Makes me want to swerve at a homeless person in my M3 convertible on the way home from the bars.
Well done.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
“It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.”
A true baller wouldn’t give a fuck what he wrote and if he did, it certainly wouldn’t take him 6 hours to craft it. Loser.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:50 pm
a lot of bankers are like well paid real estate agents .. except they crank on spreadsheets all day .. as if it were proof they had some valuable skill that an capable accountant couldn’t do.
those who make it into a respectable pe firm have a chance to learn from nonbankers who know whats really going on in business.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:18 pm
i love how all the non-banker wannabes that hang around this site feel the need to explain that analysts are entry-level minions that work on spreadsheets all day. No shit sherlock. Only difference is bankers are paid lots of money to be pee-ons and will just continue to make more. Non-bankers do bitch jobs for 35k a year. Who’s more of a loser?
July 31st, 2007 at 5:30 pm
As a former consultant, turned banker - I would like to say nice use of the Chevrons.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:51 pm
You guys all sound really cool. Kudos to the author who’s satire is so well done that the very people he’s making fun of come on here and jerk off on each other. Its almost too good to be true.
July 31st, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Natasha Mitra is going to kick ur ass !!!!
July 31st, 2007 at 9:37 pm
LSO, is like the Perez Hilton of Finance.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Great post as usual. I am sure you will sell out to a book deal next:)
August 1st, 2007 at 12:07 am
Awesome!!!!
“There are a handful of developing third world nations I’ve heard are worth visiting: Turkey, Croatia, Fire Island, et.al., ”
ROFL.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:44 am
I’m laughing my ass off hearing about all these PE deals that can’t close. You guys will be lucky to get a job at wamu when this PE/M+A bubble finally bursts. At least your book will have a colorful ending. . .
August 1st, 2007 at 7:47 am
Support previous post that the satire focuses more on lifestyle than actual finance.
You could replace “banker” with “consultant” and get the same effect.
Get back on track, LSO!
August 1st, 2007 at 9:48 am
-12 votes + -Chitown Baby Said:
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
^^^
I love all the bitterness from the folks who graduated from 3rd tier state school MBA programs (University of Wisconsin Oshkosh — what up!) and now have middle market finance jobs at inconsequential public companies that will inevitably be taken private, only to make said middle market finance job obsolete.
The fact of the matter is that when the debt market crashes and the interest rate blows up, everyone in PE will take a long, 2-year, very enjoyable break from deploying capital until things calms down. We can call that Magical Break #5. For instance, during that time, I plan on taking your wife, Ms. Chi Town baby, to Nantucket to play on my yacht, as we get busy in the lower cabin while she shoots you text messages telling you how much she loves you. But we won’t emerge from the lower cabin, because I can only be seen in Nantucket with supermodels, and Ms. Chi Town is hardly a supermodel, though she does have a small-town, Chicago-girl charm that’s makes me feel like I’m poking a “regular girl,” which is actually an ironic fantasy for kings like me.
Anyway, after the debt markets re-group and we can actually start borrowing money again, we’ll go right back to it – buying companies, strapping them down with debt, firing people who’ve been with the company for decades to save a few cents (like you), and reselling them to our friends at another PE shop for a premium.
But all during the meantime, we were living off of hype-ass management fees for two years. A good life indeed.
You say you wouldn’t barter your piss for a job in PE. Good. All the piss in the world wouldn’t qualify you for a job cleaning our marble bathrooms and $6,000 cappuccino machine, biotch.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:30 am
As a former GS banker who just finished up 2yrs of PE (Blackstone), I say congratulations! Too bad you are getting into PE at the beginning of the downfall. What a great time it was to be in PE the past two years. On break now, next adventure, Stanford GSB.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am
Howdy Doody.
Good peace dog. You’re a big wang-holder aren’t yeah. Well, thanks for another stimulating wangsmoothie. Give me more next time.
Suzzie Hellogaymen
August 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am
Anybody who reads this stuff and doesn’t realize that it’s complete satire is a f–king idiot. Just take it with a grain of salt. And, ideally, a sense of humor.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:42 am
dude ur pretty gay get a life and get over yourself ur not that cool by the way PE has gone to hell
August 1st, 2007 at 12:14 pm
General Tso
Wow, I didnt realize the Chicago GSB got downgraded so much on the rankings. Where exactly did you graduate from tough guy?
August 1st, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Way to get that PE job…
…as leverage unwinds and bridge financing increases every day.
You Baller, You!
August 1st, 2007 at 12:30 pm
For all the people congratulating/shaming his recent “promotion”… get with it, the entire blog’s purely satirical.
Like Schwarzman saying he doesn’t like crab legs… complete fabrication.
And Roger, just shut up. You have just confirmed every suspicion I had about the custodial staff who work at Edward Jones.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I am interested to see what people have to say…in your opinion what are???
1. The top 5 I banks right now
2. The best up and coming bank
3. The biggest jokes
August 1st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I knew a guy at Edward Jones who bought Amgen in ‘04; dumped it in ‘06 and then short sold it in ‘07.
That state school jerk is now shacked up with models and bottles. Choad…
In the meantime my analyst class endures utter agony in NYC.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:01 pm
another leveraged sellout gem
August 1st, 2007 at 4:40 pm
There shouldn’t be a comma in the last sentence of your email.
You should have left some time to proofread during those 6 hours.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Update: roger was recently fired from his custodial job at Edward Jones because he was spending too much time on the computer seeing how many votes his lame posts got on this site (-30+ in aggregate). Luckily he scored a temp job fixing the photocopier at an Ameriprise branch in Fresno. He’s hoping he can leverage that into banking.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Today someone asked me if I could help them get a job as a teller at my bank. Naturally I laughed in his face, whiped his messenger bag to the pavement, and dropped a deuce on the CHAPS logo while simultaneously closing a killer deal via my treo and texting “blow job tonight?” to my mistress.
Sure…I felt better- but more importantly I think that young man learned a lot about himself today. Namely, that I am better than him.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Spark,
Why assume he’s reliving high school football days? He may be kicking your ass this weekend.
Reliving your high school top 1% status is equally lame.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Sure…I felt better- but more importantly I think that young man learned a lot about himself today. Namely, that I am better than him.
CLASSIC!!!!!!
August 1st, 2007 at 11:51 pm
the only vacation you’ve taken since undergrad and it appears that your highlight was turkey????? at least postpone your start at carlysle and hit up Amsterdam for 1 week, bang some biatches who are twice your height and come back with some decent stories…
spreadsheets, MDs asses, and hoes all a PE N@#$a knows…
Gyea!
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:29 am
Satire - A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
A little bit of help for you morons, bankers or otherwise, that believe this character to be real. Even my Chinese colleagues can recognise satirical writing. We are truly stunned, but more than happy to read, your comments and endless bravado.
Keep up the good work. You are doing America proud…
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:12 am
you are sad and not funny
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 am
sweet post. the track makes me feel like i’m going to blow up from jelousy. love it.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:34 am
Most of you younger bankers, PE and HF guys will be laid off in the coming year or two b/c of the credit crunch and economic downturn. HTH.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 am
Johnny Drama, is that you? Love it!
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
the track makes me feel sad, because it is the perfect graphic representation of the way i feel about my life.
but then i fell off and landed in biglaw.
oh noes.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
You are a fucking fag dude. I have more respect for the huge dump I had this morning than your dumb ass. Seriously, you are a nobody.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Am currently enjoying 16 days in the Mediterranean, the Costa Brava to be semi-precise. Using my Blackberry 8300 World Edition to check this new posting out. Apparently a few of my pals thought it was apropos for me to add to my virtual reading stack. Am going on my “break” when I get back 3 days later. I figured it was better to gets paid for the vacation, do my break on the clock, and then drop the bomb when I get back. I highly recommend Ibiza and Mykonos (where I’m headed next) over Turkey. Dogg Pound was right that Turkey was a lame-ass place to go. Who the fuck is this little Roger pussy? Chi-Town Baby, they are letting u have it, Wisconsin for bschool?
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
“I’d look annoyed, as if he’d interrupted some sort of bare-footed piece of analysis he’d never be able to comprehend”
Priceless. The drive to acquire such Zen-like “analysis” is what keeps the wheels of the finance world turning. It is only when the lions cruising down the yellow brick road realize that Oz was blowing smoke up their assess the whole time, that these now-jaded cubs face a turning point: man-up and become an Oz or wilt into a “Roger”.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Chitown Baby Said:
August 1st, 2007 at 12:14 pm
General Tso
Wow, I didnt realize the Chicago GSB got downgraded so much on the rankings. Where exactly did you graduate from tough guy?
^^^
–general tso’s undergrad degree in English from Princeton: $160,000
–general tso’s degree from HBS: $120,000
–Chi town baby’s wife: $480 (cost to fly her out to Nantucket…coach ticket [ewwwwwww])
–being called “tough guy” by Mr. UW Osh Kosh himself: priceless
I would say that for everything else, there’s Visa…but I haven’t used anything except my Black Card (or as I refer to it, the Don Cheadle Card) in so long, I forgot what Visa looks like.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Not everyone goes for MBA to automatically become an Associate. I put in 4 years after graduating prior to going for my MBA and I actually did it to get into a completely different industry.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey General Tso
I find it hard to believe anyone with those academic credentials would waste their precious time posting on the internets on a random website. I figure they’d probably be working hard making money.
So tell us, did Cleveland St have a good econ program?
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
ASSPOUND
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:36 pm
what about the part in the track where you retire at the age of 48, serve as an adjunct professor of econ or finance, and spend the rest of your time traveling between florida for tarpon fishing and montana for flyfishing? i mean, hedge funds are cool, but seriously…
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Boring. Quit reading 1/4 way.
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Who the fuck gets a degree in English?
Wharton, baby!
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:13 am
“Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, Baby”
priceless…
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:19 am
I must simply assume that you are a moron that wasn’t able to get into Princeton, and therefore dismiss you comment as a giant display of douchbaggery. I think it fair to make this assumption because Princeton is among the best learning institutions in the world, and anyone who can’t recognize this is a genuine fucktard.
All the best
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:31 am
ASSPOUND SWORDSWALLOWER
GAYYEAH he is
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Funny stuff….I think it is important to keep everything in perspective…P/E, banking is for fools…the future belongs to those who actually create things that everyman can use. Cars, ships, Salsa to name a few.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Ha. I am an engineer, but I find this article quite funny. Funny enough to comment on it, hehe. It’s great how all you banking dudes love to spin your wheels on this site, and the “leveraged sellout” name is clever as well. And the subprime joke was classic. And the Mercer consulting joke, hehe. I know someone who works there, I bet he will get a real kick out of it. Hehe. Hehe.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:50 am
well, some of use another track
university(optional)-> start a business -> greatness
much more elegant and useful for the economy that you so much care about
August 4th, 2007 at 7:04 am
general tso Said:
August 1st, 2007 at 9:48 am
-12 votes + -Chitown Baby Said:
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
^^^
I love all the bitterness from the folks who graduated from 3rd tier state school MBA programs (University of Wisconsin Oshkosh — what up!) and now have middle market finance jobs at inconsequential public companies that will inevitably be taken private, only to make said middle market finance job obsolete.
The fact of the matter is that when the debt market crashes and the interest rate blows up, everyone in PE will take a long, 2-year, very enjoyable break from deploying capital until things calms down. We can call that Magical Break #5. For instance, during that time, I plan on taking your wife, Ms. Chi Town baby, to Nantucket to play on my yacht, as we get busy in the lower cabin while she shoots you text messages telling you how much she loves you. But we won’t emerge from the lower cabin, because I can only be seen in Nantucket with supermodels, and Ms. Chi Town is hardly a supermodel, though she does have a small-town, Chicago-girl charm that’s makes me feel like I’m poking a “regular girl,” which is actually an ironic fantasy for kings like me.
———————————–
Uhh, this whole post smacks of irony, which is fitting given this whole site is one giant satire which seems to have slip over so many heads. I can’t tell if your being serious or not, but buyout booms don’t go in 2 year cycles. They move in more like 15 year cycles; and guess where we are in that cycle. That’s right, the top. You think Schwartzman sold such a huge steak in BS just so he could share some of the enourmous returns with the ‘poy? HAH. Nope, he got out at the top, just like you should do, and look for a new job. PE is going to start struggling with their huge debt load, the credit markets are going to slip further by the wayside, and you are going to be out a job. See you again in 15 years.
The one part of your post that I can even sort of empathize with is the ironic pleasure in fucking a regular girl. Theres something special about knowing your dragging a wholesome girl down to your level - but alas, fuck it, in the wreckage of the Titanic I need to float on something!
August 4th, 2007 at 9:18 am
why is starting another business necessarily better for the economy? cramming another doomed fast-food joint into southern california is useless. using those same dollars to give capital to a decent company who can leverage it into higher growth, and higher wealth, for the country is far more effective.
August 4th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
I didn’t know this site was home to such an impressive group of armchair economic forecasters. Who knew credit markets move in “15 year cycles”? I guess since that guy said it, it must be true. PE shops knew times were good so they bought every fucking company they could find. Now they can ride out the current weak credit markets by actually making money with what they already own.
August 4th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
This is all very entertaining; but I think I’ll stick to baseball. It’s not even work and the girls really like us.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Hahaha
you’re disgusting. Digusting.
August 5th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
eh
August 5th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
just great…thank you…the comments of the people sometimes give me an even bigger laugh but the source, the pieces posted on this blog…bloody brilliant…keep it up. And congrats.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Love all this, who would have thought so many Americans actually understand irony. By the way for those who dont, you should try living somewhere where you earn proper salaries like London. We pay our MBA monkeys pretty much more than anybody else, we have the pick of the Ivy league schools and we still end up sacking most of them after a year or so as they all think they understand everything & know nothing. They have nice teeth though.
August 6th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Get with it… the smart people are in govt contracting.
Fuck the economy, the government is always hiring and can’t outsource most of it jobs.
August 6th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Who the fuck is Ron Paul??
August 6th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Hey London,
You better pay your monkeys more than Stateside. With your ridiculous cost of living, they would be lucky to net the same as an analyst monkey across the pond.
I like London a lot: drinking beer in the street, good tailors. But don’t give me your better than thou attitude when you’re happy to live in overpriced rat cages across the river and are paying $14 USD for a slice of cheesecake at OXO. Still thinking you’re superior while living such a sad lifestyle is truly ironic.
August 6th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
At first I thought a simple copy-and-paste of your neat little flow chart may have explained why HS was used instead of Boarding School, but then it dawned on me: you probably didn’t go to one. You probably went to some jv public school, which explains why you play up all that other shit so much. The truth is you will never know what it’s like to be part of a true boys club because you missed out on the first and most crucial rung on the ladder. tool
August 6th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
NYC is a city in decline. Chicago is where it’s at. It’s cleaner, better quality of living, better nightlife, and way hotter women. All you NYC douchebags should get over yourself.
August 6th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I laughed so hard at this story, my boy’s dick fell out of my ass!
August 6th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Half way through break number 1 and 2… that chart looks like the plans of everyone I know (or at least take seriously)
August 7th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Muni banker in the hizzouse
August 7th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Hahaha looks like “craig mcdermott’s” little prep school education didn’t teach him how to capitalize or how to interpret satire. That’s right Craig (see how I capitalized the c?), the author is a real banker! And he is serious about everything he says! You probably write letters to the editor of The Onion every week to tell him that his news is inaccurate, don’t you? I don’t think going to a fancy prep school compensates for the fact that your parents are brother and sister, Craig. I hope you can get your two lazy eyes to focus long enough to read this.
- Entrepreneur
P.S. - Princeton still sucks my balls.
August 7th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Interesting post from Craig - his phenomenal boarding school upbringing and “old boys network” still couldn’t get him into a top college.
I guess I would also be astoundingly pathetic and brag about my HIGH SCHOOL (is there really anything more pathetic than this) if i got stuck at Brown, Georgetwon, or some other 2nd tier school.
August 7th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
i missed you.
if you’re on break, can’t you post more often?
August 7th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Private preschool, son
August 7th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Be a douche banker for 2 years, get a cozy job in a shitty, small firm, surf every evening, live modestly, fuck goth/hippie/poor chicks.
Horrifying for some of you douchebags, i KNOW, but sounds like heaven for a lazy trust fund kid.
August 7th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
I fail to comprehend how you or anyone would categorize Georgetown as a second tier school.
I am a product of public school system, but i managed to get into Georgetown (which has lower acceptance rate than Princeton and Harvard-with all due respect to these fine institutions of academia) as well as Princeton and Duke…while working in GS prior to getting my MBA i can tel you this fact-Georgetown has over 700 alumni working in GS, which is the second largest presence from any university aside from Harvard, which has the largest showing of its alumni there.
August 7th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
to dork:
you are a complete retard. i too am a g’town grad and am perfectly ok saying it is tier 2. any arguement to the otherwise is nonsense. despite my “impoverished” status as a hoya, i did get a top 3 mba which doesn’t matter either bc it’s what you can do not where you came from. this isn’t europe, you know.
besides, i majored in bong hits and coned splifs. graduated magna cum laude in ganja with a minor in lysergic dimethyl acid.
August 7th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
to to dork:
georgetown students pretty much all got rejected from harvard, princeton, yale, stanford, mit, and probably penn, columbia, and duke. successful people still come from there of course.
and if you re-read my original post, i was commenting on the waste-of-space craig who brags about his (boarding) high school, not a public school, and who is more than likely jealous about not getting into an elite college.
August 8th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. It doesn’t matter where you go to school as long as its a top tier school. Its what you study once you’re in school that matters. I respect a chem or physics major from Brown or Georgetown or Dartmouth much more than a history or poli sci or econ major from Yale or Harvard.
The only two schools that are truly in a league of their own are MIT and Caltech… as an MIT alum, believe me when I say that our curriculum was tough, tough, tough. But Sloan is a disgrace to MIT… as is any business school to a respectable academic institution.
August 8th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Georgetown is a second-tier school.
I wouldn’t send my maid’s kid there.
August 8th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
I’m a DeVry graduate.
HBS Class of 09.
August 8th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Hey Millionaire Boy, DeVry has nothing on Lincoln Tech.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
How dare you disgrace this most prestigious by professing that Georgetown is in league with Harvard. Anything less than tier one need not be mentioned.
August 8th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
I went to skool
August 8th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
rainbow6vegas is dead on. sloan students (either undergads or the b-school students) are an embarrassment to the university. their intellect is on par with an above-average student at a liberal arts college. in fact, most of these idiots should have been liberal arts majors since they really can’t hack it in anything area that’s technical.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
g’town, haha.
Even here in Mumbai’s office, we laugh at the kids who graduated from Georgetown, Notre Dame, and Brown. If you were any smarter, you would realize that your life is doomed because a nice entry level job does not equate to a nice, playa life.
wharTON BSDesi
August 9th, 2007 at 1:23 am
in my homeland of bavaria harvard kids are considered sissis - at least the guys from georgetown can down a keg without whining like little girls
August 9th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Ok Wharton Sanjaya…i am pretty sure that running the back office or supervising call centers is a very demanding/successful job that provides you with enough Rupees to buy enough wives, insure a nice donkey pulled cart and pay someone to dig out second shitter hole in your backyard, hoping that one day you will get indoor plumbing. Georgetown and Notre Dame are some of the proudest institutions in the US and they produce leaders year in and year out…Bill Clinton is a Hoya (token name dropping)…but anyway…i am not sure which back office you work in or what outsourced functionality you fulfill, i already mentioned that there are way more Hoyas in GS than you UPenn people…p.s undergrad b-school is a joke…now go and pick up that phone call…some dude from Montana wants his credit card activated.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:35 am
/threadjack
congrats to you quant funds who refused to see the bubble and insisted that your models worked better in a volatile environment.
Times are so great that you can’t even price your investments.
Cheers!
August 9th, 2007 at 8:50 am
Optimus Subprime, excellent!
August 9th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
How did all you NYC douchebags enjoy yesterday’s horrendous thunderstorm and subway breakdown? LOL! NYC is a third-tier city in decline. While Chicago is impeccably clean, NYC has garbage, feces, and rats, everywhere you go. Once the economy starts tanking, NYC will go back to its 70’s and 80’s form, with graffiti-ridden subways, homeless people, and rising crime.
August 9th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
overheard at IB training-
“How do you get out of your comment boxes…you CLICK out? I bet you right click to erase your comment boxes too”
August 9th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
I really like your shit..is it true that it is all fiction?
-banker in the making
August 9th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
To Anon @ 2:58 pm, you’re a trainee, STFU
August 9th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
And to To Stan,
It’s not quantity, it’s quality. Who gives a fuck if you have 658 GT alums in equity research. I would rather liquidate myself than hire a Georgetown graduate.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
Sad, but kinda funny, like first graders run dangerously amok. From a quick glance at the site and posts, I can infer a few things:
- $3k is skimping a bit for a true bespoke suit, are you sure it is not one of those made-to-measure atrocities they sell at Saks?
- very few (if any) of you know what a market cycle really looks like from the perspective of an industry participant. hint: we recently passed the top, so get your cvs ready and put whatever you didn’t spend of your cute little $400k (if that) bonus in t-bills TODAY
- you think banking is bad now? wait until all the deals dry up (and they ARE withering, baby), any money left will flow upstream and more pain will flow downstream–guess where you guys live??? do what you can to move to restructuring or special sits/distressed investing, at least you’ll have a job next year
- private equity is a good place to hang out, but kiss the gulfstream dreams goodbye, the very big and easy money has been made, you will slave over funds stuffed with CLO-fueled suspect deals that will mostly crater in a few years. not enough E, way too much D = not much carry. not that you’d meaningfully participate anyway at your level. but hey, workouts are fun (ever done one? maybe you read about one? if so, then you know I’m lying).
- grade inflation, while starting to fade in the markets (bye bye cov lite and 6x ebitda), it is still rampant at our so-called elite universities. I am Ivy, but back in the day many classes were–ohmygod–graded on a curve, they didn’t hand you honors just for showing up. hate to say it, but many of you are just not that smart, but I think you know that deep down already. its ok, your girlfriend probably thinks you’re cool, like an accountant driving a porsche
- many of you have a great sense of humor, good to see, as you’ll really need it over the next 12 months
ta da children, ’twas fun. make sure and save your pennies!
August 9th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
i run hedge funds!
August 10th, 2007 at 4:21 am
hi everybody
i’m from singapore
i think a degree in english, even from princeton, is more worthless than an degree in tourism from singapore.
you suck, general tso. we don’t even welcome you here.
August 10th, 2007 at 7:19 am
I went to St. Lawrence and I will own all of you one day. Have fun fighting about the “elite” schools you went to on this silly website. You’re all rat-trash.
August 10th, 2007 at 7:21 am
Not sure if you have heard but GS does not generate majority of its revenues from IB, not even close
August 10th, 2007 at 7:22 am
Man the comments in this are even more entertaining than the article itself. I’m thoroughly convinced that the people that post here have nothing to do with financial services industry, because I’ve never seen so much deuchebaggery and ignorance in real life.
Allow me to let you on a little secret called ’satyre’: This site is funny, because it makes hyperboles and exaggerations of reality. The fact that you’re arguing about colleges, cities and whatever other bullshit only shows that you couldn’t even figure out the DPV of your allowance.
August 10th, 2007 at 9:24 am
to To GS Alpha
what’s not even close is you and a clue.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:23 am
that did not even make sense
August 10th, 2007 at 11:15 am
To GS Alpha
let’s break it down
“not even close” signifies a great distance/disconnect between objects, which in this case, are “you” and “a clue”. Putting this together, the average zoo monkey can figure out that you are far far away from having a clue.
and stop using my name in vain
August 10th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Question i pose to you all: what’s a more presitigious break for an analyst finished with banking - top-tier buyout shop or top-tier hedge fund?
August 10th, 2007 at 11:51 am
to MSChica:
more prestigious? a nice warm spot in your vagina or perhaps a tight gritty spot in your anus…
August 10th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
by far, the all time best post goes to testes at 11:51am.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
>
even here in mumbai’s office? no self-respecting wharton alum would ever EVER take a job in mumbai unless they wanted to leverage the wharton name in accenture’s back office. hell, some meathead from monmouth u. could find work there. I hope your post was a big misunderstanding.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
You need to keep upto date Stan boy…we dont do donkey carts anymore. Its elephants baby !
Some day…if i think you look miserable enough, i might just let you walk beside my elephant.
————-
To Stan Said:
August 9th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Ok Wharton Sanjaya…i am pretty sure that running the back office or supervising call centers is a very demanding/successful job that provides you with enough Rupees to buy enough wives, insure a nice donkey pulled cart and pay someone to dig out second shitter hole in your backyard, hoping that one day you will get indoor plumbing.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
err ok testes
now, can i get responses to my question from guys with an actual testis?
August 10th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
mschica,
the uni-nad guys are out right now but here’s a response from a guy with two:
to a nice ruca such as yourself, i would suggest the double penetration of private equity AND hedge fund. it feel a bit uncomfortable at first but after accomodating the difference in investment horizon, you will become quite facile in accepting both inputs.
best,
testes
August 10th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
you g’town shit can laugh at Mumbai while sitting in your shitty-ass hole-in-the-wall D.C. apartments. But here, I get paid just as much as I would have been in NYC…but I can afford 3-4 servants/maids, a big ass house (panty dropper), multiple top-shelf cars, and still got cash money left over for that nice little vacation. In 3 years, I get my own chauffeur, baby.
Enough jokes about the call-centers. Call me and my boys up in Mummbai/Shanghai when you need few bills to pump up your liquidity.
wharTON BSDesi
August 11th, 2007 at 1:04 am
I am a transsexual from San Francisco. I want to work for GS. will i fucking make it.
ps - people who live in mumbai, eat shit, slurp dihoreia milkshakes and munch on crunchy peanut turd burgers. the place is shit. end of story.
August 11th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
The following are completely irrelevant–always have been, and always will be:
-Chicago
-Bear Stearns and their worthless hedge funds
-India (and its citizens fixing my blackberry)
-Testes Testes’ opinions on prestige
-What Steve Schwartzman eats (except your lunch
money, Devry Entrepreneur)
-Your POS public school (not my private school)
-whether or not you (GS) like the covenant-lite agreement you stupidly agreed to in early July in underwriting my $8 billion LBO
-whatever tier Georgetown Sucks thinks Georgetown is in because we run the Street
August 11th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
…
Have any of you attention-detailed orientated idiots ever realized that you have the EXACT SAME arguments EVERY single new LS post?
August 12th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Glorious article. PE is indeed the bigtime. You should take it upon yourself to spit upon lowly M&A analysts and run over fixed income traders in your DB9 now.
August 12th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
georgetown runs the street? like janitors run mckinsey? oh… wait…
August 13th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Don’t worry, if I went to georgetown I’d be insecure about it too.
August 13th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
great logical comebacks, angie and PE god.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Georgetown is ranked 23rd in US News & World Report. For all you Georgetown alums who thought your school was tier 1: that’s a pretty shitty ranking.
August 14th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
stern
August 14th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
While I do agree that Georgetown is Tier 2 at best, a publication such as US News & World Reports loses all credibility when it ranks a state school such as Cornell 12th in the nation.
August 14th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Good luck boys.
This market’s turning and most of you little arrogant shits will come to me in 3 years with your ‘I felt it was time to do an MBA’ bullshit excuse and your cock stuck back in between your legs. Go and fucking drone on about your shitty-ass $3k suits and your dream of a Porsche or whatever the fuck you guys think is a penis-enlarging car - fact is if you weren’t shorting subprime 2 months ago there will be jackshit of a bonus for you spreadsheet monkeys and you’ll be spending 4 months backstabbing each other in anticipation of the At Risk letters you’ll get in June.
Enjoy, clowns.
August 15th, 2007 at 6:58 am
Yeah so take that I did’nt even finish school (dropped out at 16) but here I am working as a financial oil trader for J Aron (GS commodities arm for those not in the know) And seeing as numbers say more than words my earnings for this year look to be around 300-400k and thats ÂŁs so you edumacated fools dont know shit.
August 15th, 2007 at 8:29 am
Look dog pound gangster, your trailer trash girlfriend and walmart cashier mom might be impressed that your ignorant, uneducated ass managed to get a job anywhere close to one of GS’s less important “arms” but nobody here is. Go spend your pounds on some cosmetic dentistry and shut the fuck up.
August 15th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Hey PE/Hedge Fund jackasses.
How you liking this market now? Have fun looking for a job at a department store
August 15th, 2007 at 10:50 am
I just saw the author on CNBC. He was one of the “30 Under 30″ traders profiled.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Hey Chitown Baby, my hedge fund just blew up, do you think you could get me a job at your department store? Or do assitant floor managers not make hiring decisions?
August 15th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
As a current student at Georgetown, please allow me to assure you that it is not in the same league as Harvard and Princeton. The school has a higher legacy rate than any of its peers, continuing to accept the offspring of Catholic, New Jersey-dwelling, low-level executive Merrill Lynch-types, just because they write the annual check for $20k. While this does help maintain the Wall Street connection, which is in fact as strong as any university’s, it definitely stunts the intellectual grwoth that would otherwise launch Gtown into the 1st tier. So I guess it’s a Catch-22–just like it is with the girls and the parties, which are obviously superior to any Ivy.
August 15th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Toobusytopost-
clearly you’re to busy to proofread your name, and you pay a higher salary because it requires a premium to live in England.
August 15th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
“The break that Banker McChoad forgot in his progression is the break where he gets a MBA and rises above the analyst class into the executive class.”
You couldn’t get into B-School directly out of undergrad?!!
August 15th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
“Have any of you attention-detailed orientated idiots ever realized that you have the EXACT SAME arguments EVERY single new LS post?”
attention DETAIL oriented.
August 15th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
the overusing of the word “baller” was brilliant…..perfect…young wall street jocks use it quite frequently….
August 15th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Cornell is not a state school morons. It has 4 schools which are not statutory colleges which are private but receive public funds. Furthermore it has several schools ranked as the best in the states and some the world.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I would whoop your MBA’s ass
August 15th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
the truth about Georgetown Said:
what college and year are you at Gtown?
I agree with your analysis; I think Georgetown probably has the best international relations program in the country, but in terms if banking (though it does very well with job placement) the students are def. a tier below Harvard and Princeton (Yale not so much)
August 16th, 2007 at 6:09 am
What about the break where the collapse of the credit market forces fresh PE analysts out of work. “But levering Huntsman at 7 times EBITDA seemed like a good idea before the margins collapsed.”
Anybody want to buy some Yankees tickets behind the dish…..got ‘em on sale here for $17 grand!
August 16th, 2007 at 6:32 am
Anybody want to buy some Yankees tickets behind the dish…..got â€em on sale here for $17 grand!
Whay would anyone want that. but I could buy them and use them as toilet paper with my salary.
August 16th, 2007 at 7:01 am
Hi Sales,
Maybe too much cold calling dentists and widows got to you, but the accepted path is Ivy:b-bracket analyst: top tier b-school:associate.
An analyst’s skills (no matter how much people try to trivialize them) form the perfect foundation for proper seasoning in b-school. The pool of contacts that one has at that point also makes entry as an associate into a quality PE shop or IBD much easier.
August 16th, 2007 at 9:09 am
Well done, nail on the head. I would have gone to hike in Northern India (read Tibet) but I feel you.
“How can you laugh at others if you can’t laugh at yourself”
- Dangerfield
http://www.curbed.com/archives/2006/07/18/scenes_from_the_apocalypse_midtown_edition.php
August 16th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
HA! I just won $9.8 mil in the lottery and I’m leaving Goldman TODAY. Good luck to the rest of you and your f*cking spreadsheets
August 16th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
“. . . and will have completely exhausted my phonebook of elementary school teaching sluts that try ferociously to reel me in with their expertise in homemaking. Poor suburbanites.”
This line hasn’t received enough attention, but it was greatly appreciated. Anyone living the good life has a few of them on speed dial as backup/Thanksgiving/Christmas trim.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:14 am
For dogg,
daddy has been away from this site for a few weeks, but i appreciate how you attempt to uphold the legacy… not bad for a limey brit…
i must admit, you’re not gangsta by no means… but you hold it down…300 to 400K a year is not bad… you’ll have to buy da bottles when da dogg father comes to london… if i feel generous, i’ll let you take home da leftovers… don’t worry mate, i’ll make sure they see your signature when da bill comes…
no matta how much of a balla any brit gets, at da end of da day, they always want to be part of da cali gangsta style crew…
btw mate, i’ve been in Ibiza for da past week… just cough da acronoym DPG and you’ll know how much of an impression i’ve left there…
i’ll make it easy for you mate… _ _ _ a!…
spell it out right and i’ll take da gap tooth birds from you…
August 17th, 2007 at 12:29 am
PACHA…PACHA…PACHA… any PE, Hedge Fund, or VC who knows what I’m talkin about knows how to ball… as for da rest of you, you can get court side tix to da knicks game, but you’ll always be a spectator…
August 17th, 2007 at 9:17 am
What a retarded way to greatness. Here’s how you succeed without being a complete bitch learning absolutely nothing for half your career:
Top 1% HS –> Top 5 Engineering Program (MIT, Caltech, Berkeley, Stanford, Cornell) –> Engineering –> PE/HF/VC in the industry you actually know something about –> Greatness
Let’s not kid ourselves - an engineer could do the work of a monkey banker in half the time, and could CERTAINLY do the work of an engineer in a fraction of the time!
August 17th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
But since engineers can’t talk to clients, and generally smell bad, they’ll never make fees or raise money. So they’ll be stuck designing the door handle of my helicopter - until I buy the company, pay myself a huge dividend with the debt proceeds and then fire all their asses and replace them with Chinese that will do the same work for 1/8th of the cost. Good path choice buddy.
August 17th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Enginerd: The question you need to ask yourself if why there are virtually no MBAs in Germany, Japan, South Korea, etc. yet their companies are properly managed and kicking ass. They are run by engineers and scientists.
At our school the people who couldn’t hack it in engineering went to the business school.
August 17th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
But the engineers who have half a modicum of social talent AND understand finance as well as their original craft ARE pretty much untouchable in terms of their influence and compensation. While there might be mocking from those at the entry-level VP level and below, those higher up the chain are certainly more receptive to that combination of skills.
August 17th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Look - it’s wonderful humour, truly. It’s the kind of funny that folks like me really enjoy - because you fail to realize how ridiculous you are. The level of self pity is glorious - remarkable actually. The low self esteem of a “banker / ballar” is tramatic.
There is no fear in expressing beliefs and raw emotion. Most folks lack this ability - such as the women bankers pay for.
Yet, the pride and confidence is to be admired.
Agreed with everyone who wishes to see more frequent updates. Doing so will greatly improve the quality of the postings as well.
keep the dreams alive.
August 18th, 2007 at 12:07 am
Engineers are much smarter than business students. So much so that they decide to work harder in school, sacrificing their social life and any chance of getting laid, only to get low-paying, ultra-tedious jobs. After slogging it out for a number of years, they realize what a horrible choice they made and go get MBAs, praying they can get a job in corporate finance. You guys are so smart.
August 19th, 2007 at 2:35 am
break #4..M&A lasers..captures the zeitgist very well!!
August 19th, 2007 at 9:19 am
the handful of engineers who have even a shred of social skills, ambition, and appetite for risk are absolutely cleaning up on wall street and buy-side shops.
The vast majority of science geeks however will be stuck making
August 19th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Won’t you miss Pax and Financier? There is a Thomas Pink store in your new building though, so you’ll need to stock up on new shirts for that pumped up chest you’ve just pissed yourself on.
August 20th, 2007 at 12:33 am
“Engineers are much smarter than business students. So much so that they decide to work harder in school, sacrificing their social life and any chance of getting laid, only to get low-paying, ultra-tedious jobs. After slogging it out for a number of years, they realize what a horrible choice they made and go get MBAs, praying they can get a job in corporate finance. You guys are so smart.”
Anyone with an ounce of credibility knows that business school is on par with studying psychology or communications or some other steaming pile of shit disguised as an academic discipline. The $160,000 degree in Excel and Shitty Powerpoint Presentations with dual certificates in Minimal Literacy and Dick Sucking that all the business majors/MBAs walk away with for some reason just strikes me as unimpressive. MBAs are for people who can’t hack it in a hard science, mathematics, or law but are so insecure that they can’t live without a few extra letters after their names. Congratulations, you picked a safe and boring route that allows you to feed yourself and occasionally bribe girls into your bed. Maybe you will learn to wipe at some point too, but don’t stress yourself too much.
- Entrepreneur
August 20th, 2007 at 4:48 am
I find it amazing that people take this or themselves so seriously. It’s a little pathetic in truth however this site is awesome! Happy times for me from GS London
August 20th, 2007 at 6:35 am
Entrepreneur,
Don’t be bitter just because you sold your software company to some “low-life” MBAs at 10x Ebitda only to see them flip it a year later to the open market at 25X.
Stick to being creative and leave the money making to the pros. In the end, you can’t buy a Hinckley with your PhD in “hard science”.
August 20th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Entrepreneur: That was awesome! Yet these MBA clowns think they are “quantitatively oriented”!!! Makes me smile.
Learn some Matlab and C++, bitches! Arghhh!!!
August 20th, 2007 at 10:03 am
let’s knock engineers too much. there are plently of other professionals out there who are probably just as smart as any banker/finance-dude but who are also lacking some key ingredient.
e.g-
engineers often times have little appetite for the level socializing that’s required. perhaps not a whole lot of ambition or risk-taking either.
doctors can certainly work hard (much harder than engineers), but the field really is viewed as a safe choice. not a whole lot of risk in this career, and pays reasonably well.
Lawyers - honestly, I’m not sure why anyone chooses private sector law. one obvious reason is it’s easier to get into a decent law school than a bulge-bracket.
consultants work slightly better hours than financiers, lead perhaps an even more meaningless life, and seem to have an aversion to risk.
thoughts?
August 20th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Natasha Mitra really is going to have my balls for this one:
“Most of these Harvard MBA types don’t amount to shit.” Gordon GEKKO
August 20th, 2007 at 10:39 am
wonder how small your dick has to be in order to need to be so sanctimonious to be “happy”. Bankers, Artists, Lawyers, Teachers, whatever anyones does for a living, if that is WHO you are you are a loser. You aren’t even YOU; you are a banker. Well cookie cutter man have fun being a sheep, bahhhhh.
August 20th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Enginerd said ” So they’ll be stuck designing the door handle of my helicopter - until I buy the company, pay myself a huge dividend with the debt proceeds and then fire all their asses and replace them with Chinese that will do the same work for 1/8th of the ”
Enginerd…you are a total moronic schmuck. You wont even be able to buy food stamps you complete imbisile.
Fact is everyone, except you, you f*ckin retard, knows that the Chinese DO NOT do the same work, not even close. Go ahead and have the Chinese design your door handle. THAT WOULD BE GREAT!!! That way after you close the door to your company chopper for, oh, lets say the third time, the hinges will fail and hopefully you will plummet to your death.
Great bottom line analysis you sh*t head….No PE Shop or Hedge fund for you Einstein….stick to your excel spreadsheets…..Im sure there is a nice little Financial Advisory position awaiting you at your local Bank of America.
August 20th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Consultants. Don’t even get me started. At least investment banking is a necessary profession.
August 20th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
How can you justify insulting someone else’s intelligence when you can’t even spell the word “imbecile” correctly?
You might have had a point, but right there you lost all credibility….
August 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Anonymous Said:
August 20th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Entrepreneur: That was awesome! Yet these MBA clowns think they are “quantitatively oriented”!!! Makes me smile.
i’ve done shit that would make your eyes bleed. only speak of what you know, jackoff.
tt123
August 20th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
I must say that I loved this exchange. I was sad to see it end; “Leave a Comment” really broke my heart.
“But since engineers can’t talk to clients, and generally smell bad, they’ll never make fees or raise money.”
This is idiocy. Few engineers could sell their shit in a can, because they don’t need those skills and never bothered to learn them, but most of them become socially competent as they get older. Much like bankers, who were also mostly unpopular nerds in high school, they realize the importance of social skills in adulthood, and they learn them.
“MBAs are for people who can’t hack it in a hard science, mathematics, or law but are so insecure that they can’t live without a few extra letters after their names.”
MBAs do provide the best employment opportunities among graduate programs, due in part to the networking involved. They’re significantly less selective than PhD or JD programs, but not everyone going into them is an idiot. Some MBA students are smart people who consider B-school the best way to learn business.
MBAs get a bad rap, but some of my friends have attended the programs, and I get basically the same story from each of them. First, it’s not worth it to spend the money unless attending a top 10 school. Second, while admissions are unselective and minimal standards are lax– it’s really hard to get less than a B– there are some good students in them, and there are a lot of opportunities to learn for people who want to take them.
“Lawyers - honestly, I’m not sure why anyone chooses private sector law. one obvious reason is it’s easier to get into a decent law school than a bulge-bracket.”
WRONG! The top 20 law schools are about 10-20 times as selective as analyst programs. The only law schools easier to get into than IBD are the shitty scam law schools that fail out half of their classes each year, in order to avoid such a low bar pass rate as to lose accreditation.
“Consultants. Don’t even get me started. At least investment banking is a necessary profession.”
Consultants and advisors (of some sort) are necessary, too, as cross-pollinators. Their role is to trade information. Due to technological leverage and network effects, an inefficient information flow can be dangerous or even fatal for a company, and consultants make it more efficient. Of course, independent consultants end up doing a lot more good in this regard than the large management consulting companies, as the latter tend to end up helping the large companies that don’t need help.
If I get enough + votes, I’ll be back as a regular feature.
August 20th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
to Pwnsive pwns you on your wrong statements:
we’ve heard the same bullshit from law students and junior law associates for years. show me some numbers on selectivity.
there are maybe 15 analyst programs in the country. how many law schools are there?
August 21st, 2007 at 3:06 am
hi y’all. do you have some interview tips? I have one next week with Bear Stearns as equity sales analyst. I am really excited and don’t want to mess up
August 21st, 2007 at 5:31 am
Seriously, stop taking yourself to seriously.
Here’s the quick and dirty:
Engineers: socially awkward nerds, but serves a valuable role none the less
MBAs: can close your girlfriend in under 15 minutes. And no one really gets an MBA to learn, it’s for the network. It’s also to take 2 years off and bang college chicks.
Lawyers: wannabe bankers who just couldn’t hack it in math
Consultants: highly skilled in drawing all sort of charts, but otherwise as useful as an asshole on my elbow
August 21st, 2007 at 7:44 am
+1 votes + -testes testes 123 Said:
August 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Anonymous Said:
August 20th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Entrepreneur: That was awesome! Yet these MBA clowns think they are “quantitatively oriented”!!! Makes me smile.
i’ve done shit that would make your eyes bleed. only speak of what you know, jackoff.
tt123
——————————————
Yeah, MBA school is so tough! They even make you memorize the Black Scholes formula!@#$ And the VBA over here and the incentivizing/leveragivizing over there is so totally rad! Plus don’t forget the 15 pages on Monte Carlo simulation in CFAI book Vol. 1… I
know your type. I’m finishing up research and will be joining a hedge fund quant team… so please, spare me the eye bleeding. Its all bull
shit… Gordon Gekko said it himself. You’d prolapse your rectum if you saw my research. I pwned the Heat PDE as a junior in college, biotch… (btw if your MBA/CFA didn’t teach you the significance of the heat pde, then I hope your paycheck makes up for the massive intellectual void). So go shopping in one of those hip little ny boutiques, take a stroll down St. Marks, hit on NYU chicks and reminisce about the beer drinking days at your top MBA program… maybe you’ll feel better.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:14 am
Engineers: Interchangeable, inexpensive computers.
Corporate Law: It was either that or analyst at Jeffries.
Consultants: The lucky ones escape to PE, the rest continue to con corporations until are hired by one.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:25 am
lol
August 21st, 2007 at 11:38 am
Hey grad, tell the interviewer at Bear that your favorite investor is Ralph Cioffi. That should be enough to get you in.
August 21st, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Priceless:
“Jack Meehoff - I pwned the Heat PDE as a junior in college, biotch”
Someone on this forum who actually has brains.
You sound like a ChemE gone hedgie quant route. Keep kickin ass, I’ll be following your footsteps soon.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Grad, also tell them that you think Jimmy Cayne has a great golf game but you are looking forward to when Warren Spector takes over as CEO
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Jimmy Cayne plays bridge. Don’t you read the journal? Oh, I bet you don’t understand the big words. I guess SUNY Albany didn’t prepare you for that.
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:34 pm
for jack meehoff:
60% of the time, it works all the time.
sound like your rectum prolapsing, quant heavy dissertation or do you not have to do one at the university of phoenix?
tt123
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:20 am
Everyone knows Jimmy Cayne plays bridge. Jimmy Cayne also played golf every day while the whole hedge fund debacle was intially taking place. Don’t you read the journal pole smoker? I’ll bet you smeared that section when you were cleaning off your face after your boyfriend shot with a big creamy one.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 am
do i have to learn bridge to work there?
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:57 am
Don’t you lame fucking losers get tired of having comment battles with eachother after every fucking story? If your lives were truly as grand as you represent them to be, you wouldn’t have to derive satisfaction by bragging to somebody about your yachts, black cards, and M3 convertibles…in the comment section of a satirical blog. B-L-O-G. Does not work in Goldman, maybe not even in finance, this webpage is somebody’s hobby! For a bunch of Ivy grads you guys have a tendency to see the trees and not the forest.
And, bespoke suits on Seville Row in London cost at least $7,500. Whoever thinks that they are 3k is either a dipshit college student or at best an analyst working 90 hours a week.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I love the kids that get so angry because they are the only ones who understand that the blog is a joke. Like the poster above. His life is obviously not going very well right now.
August 23rd, 2007 at 4:41 pm
An interesting fact. Just the country’s following top business schools generate approximately 7000 MBAs (read ‘leaders’) every year. I mean, Jesus Christ!!!
Skool and Total Enrollment
Harvard University (MA) 1,821
University of Pennsylvania (Wharton) 1,594
Columbia University (NY) 1,242
University of Chicago 1,119
Northwestern University (Kellogg) (IL) 1,089
Duke University (Fuqua) (NC) 830
University of Michigan–Ann Arbor (Ross) 828
New York University (Stern) 814
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Sloan) 781
Stanford University (CA) 764
University of California–Los Angeles (Anderson) 686
University of Virginia (Darden) 648
Cornell University (Johnson) (NY) 556
University of California–Berkeley (Haas) 505
Dartmouth College (Tuck) (NH) 490
Yale University (CT) 425
Half the total enrollment gives you per year output of “leaders” at about 7069.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:13 am
hope youre out of a job now, cocky MF! PE is dead!!!!! lolol.
August 24th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Grrrr… argggg… shiver me timber?
August 24th, 2007 at 11:09 am
We’re only out of a job because your poor-ass dad defaulted on his suprime mortgage. I can’t believe I held that smelly deadbeat’s paper.
August 24th, 2007 at 11:29 am
Do you ever get sad that what you have become most recognized for is not for your accomplishments in the field of finance but instead in that you’re appealing to the base instincts of a broad audience with your disdainfully stereotypical and marginally witty prose?
Rgds,
August 24th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Anonymous @ 10:57:
So if we’re dipshit, pillow-biting, child molesting losers for having comment battles after every post, what does that make you for reading all said comment battles and then commenting on our comment battles? It makes you one of two things, poor or uneducated. Maybe it’s both. Maybe you’re poor, uneducated and ugly and your father hates you, if in fact he knows you. You know what you need, a good blow job. Not a toothy one like used to get from your mom everyday in high school because she had Munchausen’s syndrome and kept you at home through making you bowls of Clorox and Frosted Flakes for breakfast. While I was driving to school in an M3 convertible, towing my yacht and wearing a $9,000 Bespoke Men’s Wearhouse Suit, you were at home getting blown by your mom while vomiting in a bucket at the side of your bunk bed. Kill yourself.
August 24th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
david the blog is fictional…you are a fucken idiot…true story
August 24th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Thunder, pure brilliance.
August 24th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
What’s the difference between some meathead MBS or CDO trader and some dude from uganda selling fake LV bags on the corner? NOTHING. Both individuals hold shitty assets that no respectable person would buy and are forced to sell to unknowing Euro trash and Asians. Nice careers.
August 24th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Anon @ 2:18
analogy - terrible
understanding of MBS and CDO - borderline
knowledge of the fast growing knock off luxury goods market - none
conclusion: tries hard, sucks at life, short
August 25th, 2007 at 2:41 am
Men’s Wearhouse–now that place is a real beehive of activity.
August 26th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Fucking idiots on this site. PE out of the job, not likely? It’s just been a focus on portfolio co’s for the past month. Will we stop hiring as much - sure, but that’s not really an associate’s problem. Reduced M&A will hurt bankers much worse, given the labor-heavy cost structures in IB — hope all the mediocre IB analysts enjoy their layoffs or 15K bonuses…
August 26th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
To settle that argument between those two idiots about Jimmy Cayne playing golf or bridge.
http://money.cnn.com/2007/08/20/magazines/fortune/bear_stearns.fortune/index.htm
This website is not meant to be taken too seriously. Engineers who have no personality and couldn’t get a job in PE or at an Ibank please stop being jealous.
August 27th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
To Jack Meekhoff:
Yeah, go ahead join a Long/Short fund now. It’s a real smart career move. Look forward to the bonus that you get off the 2% management fee since there aint gonna be any of the 20% from the profits. And don’t tell me you’re gonna work for Renaissance, since they’re bleeding cash like your girl on menopause.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Menopause is when women stop bleeding. Don’t worry Mr. I need hooked on phonics, we still get your point.
August 28th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
why are you so jealous of hedgies? did you make a retarded career decision? sounds like it was probably law.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Do you know anything about women. That was hilarious. “since they’re bleeding cash like your girl on menopause” - can’t make stuff like that up
August 29th, 2007 at 6:03 am
When is the next chunk of prose coming up? We need a fresh start.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Haha, that Waxing Judgemental site on the sidebar has the funniest thing about Georgetown today! http://www.waxjudge.com Stupid Hoyas! Go to real a school!
August 29th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Incredible. i bet it was his girlfriend’s face.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
I really am a turk and I too am apparently on your labeled track, I am currently on the Ivy League part, but Turkey really kicks ass if you have money. I mean shit its great. By the way there is no Turkish word for the term “baller.” They might call you “artist” if they feel your faking it or acting like you have never seen money in your life and showing it off.
Best of luck on your travels.
September 2nd, 2007 at 12:47 am
apparently they don’t teach an understanding of the concept of satire at ‘elite’ schools.
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:29 am
they might not teach satire at ‘elite’ colleges, but you’ll pick it up if you went to an elite prep-school before you went to the elite college.
September 4th, 2007 at 6:24 am
all of the long-sleeve, button down shirt-wearing, hair parted on the side, pasty-white skin, ivy-league kids working at Investment Banks, with girls who actually dig model-type bartenders, lick a dick. You’re all back to work this morning, working for the man, and wishing you were back in daddy’s Sagaponack spread still, or at Sunset Beach talking to that cute girl from last night. Don’t worry, she was just going to take your money anyway, and didn’t actually think your little play on words was as witty as you did, she just wanted another $13 Blackberry mojito. Have fun nimrods, and try and enjoy your pitiful life.
September 4th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Retard. It’s Savile Row, not Seville Row… this is England, not Spain. Not to mention, “bespoke” doesn’t mean it came from London, bespoke suits CAN be had for $3k in Manhattan. Trust me, I JUST moved from Manhattan to London.
-CONSULTANT who loves LSO and LoS!
September 4th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Hablador,
Check your grammar man. You’re missing a “To” in front of your first statement. For your rant, I think you’re the one who is miserable (who else would type such an unstructured tirade early in the morning? ). At least everybody is doing something productive in the morning and not blurting out semi-coherent prose attempting to belittle the bankers; rather unsuccessfully that too. Stop living in the 70s (”working for the man”…give me a break!). Also, try taking a creative or a just a structured writing course at a JC (it might help you).
September 4th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Hablador,
Would you shut up, we’re busy. Your bitterness and jelousy is obvious but rather than solve it by insulting us, maybe get off your poor, unemployed ass, turn off the online porn and get a job. Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to work in one of my portfolio companies. And then I’ll fire you. Because you suck at life.
Peace, your fucking loser
September 4th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
all the Anonymous writers at 11:08am on September 4th, lick a dick. It was a command, are you familiar with that part of grammar as you are as the inner workings of a male’s anus?
September 5th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Hablador,
In life there are winners and losers. You are the latter.
Stop breathing my air.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Anon, are you an Indian version of Anonymous? You can also lick a dick, or an Indian crack like the one the punjab princess Natasha has.
September 22nd, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Don’t know if you ever heard of Peter Chung, but openly bragging about your sexual exploits isn’t going to get you too far in Carlyle Group
http://www.snopes.com/risque/tattled/chung.asp
September 24th, 2007 at 12:37 am
Dude, great post but a little unrealistic. There are only 1-2 associates at Carlyle’s NA buyout group that are from Goldman. Carlyle is a decent shop but everyone knows that the best GS bankers go to TPG or Blackstone.
September 24th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Your ego is really just masking your huge insecurities. Money is great, i love it and have a bunch of it, but there is value in other things in life. Life can be pretty lonely when you have nothing but cash.
September 27th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
seeing “goldman sachs” written on my paycheck makes my life worth living
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:34 am
Getting AIDS > working at Carlyle
October 11th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Whenever I’m in a bad mood I read some of your postings and they brighten up my day. I hope you’re serious about putting out a book, and that if you are, you put your heart into it. A website can display your writing but a book can immortalize it.
October 31st, 2007 at 7:04 am
you guys are all tools. that track ends in divorce, jail, stroke or suicide. go fuck yourselves.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
men’s warehouse: yea, i’m broke.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:24 am
define a dead day in office …….reading a frigging three month old blog (good stuff btw)…….reading every single comment that follows said blog (border line stupid)…..rating every single comment I read (aaaaarrrrrggggg I have slipped into retardhood)
December 8th, 2007 at 11:17 am
define a dead weekend/life… reading a frigging three month old LSO on the weekend!
Damn I am a pathetic loser, and I am going to go shoot myself right now (ok, maybe tomorrow after the Hatten-Mayweather fight tonite… hope Pretty Boy gets his pretty teeth kicked in)
May 29th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Wow! you are so full of shit! The fact that you worked at Goldman and Carlyle only matters for those suckers who didn’t get a job in either place. You are one of those “New Yorkers” who just moved to NY a few years ago and would really like to hide their deep suburban roots. You are a little piece of shit and neither your job nor your move to NY will ever make you anything else.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Anon. You my friend are what make this site awesome. The guy who can’t read satire. Thank you dipshit.. for making my day.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
“will have completely exhausted my phonebook of elementary school teaching sluts that try ferociously to reel me in with their expertise in homemaking. Poor suburbanites.”
Holy crap I thought I was the only one, hilarious!!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
” I was so jacked up on testosterone. I almost picked a fight with the dude in front of me, but instead of absolutely destroying the 85 year old, handicapped Asian man, I went home and stood in front of my full-length mirror and watched myself rapidly change from my street clothes into my Banker clothes.”
that’s the funniest shit i’e read all day…but the rest of the post was straight up wack sauce.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:16 am
“The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.” Was awesome!
October 30th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Beautiful post. I love this site.