Monday, June 18, 2007

Sheer Suckers

Luna Park Union Square -- Summer Finance Banking Intern Assbaggery

I like my women like I like my loafers: expensive, fit, and more often than not, with a bit of bling around their necks. They’re probably my two favorite things in the world, women and loafers. Put to it, I’m not even certain which one I’d pick over the other. I’d normally be tempted to select women, but, it is summer right now, meaning that until the government mandates a universally implanted, 3-month contraceptive device (sans mood swings), the winner would have to be my loafers—the ones I can safely slip into bareback.
Note: My affinity for black and brown loafers does not quite carry over to their female counterparts.

But summer means more to me than just unprotected loafer-sex. Summer means Coral Reef, Jake Blue, and Bermuda Pink. It means timeshares, outdoor dining, and Bethpage Black. It means a seersucker hoodie when it’s a bit nippy, and seersucker shorts when it’s not. Summer means various things to various people, but one thing it means for most people in finance and all of New York is: interns.

In what other scenario is a city so flooded with impressionable, overeager, and clueless minds as summer in Manhattan? I’m told there is a similar wave of little political interns towards D.C. this time of year, but frankly, I’m not even certain they get paid. And anyway, what is the overall impact of that industry when compared to that of finance? Negligible. Don’t get me wrong—activism is to be applauded, but only in hedge funds.

Back to the subject. Emotionally, summer interns act intimidated and obsequious. And even if they hate finance, they are hyper-aware of the comfort that would come with getting an offer (a feeling perhaps only comparable to early action / decision to college), and they are driven accordingly. This is their entire psychology, terribly simple and uninteresting.

Instead of dwelling on that though, let’s consider a quick cultural analysis of the average undergraduate finance summer interns in New York, which is more interesting only in that we can amuse ourselves with their naiveté:

Where They Live

From 14th Street to 200 Water, New York University dorms get filled with juniors working in finance seeking summer housing. These units sometimes also house foreign graduate students (law, even). They often are minuscule. And they, without fail, have the pungent smell of Tier Four exuding from the walls (Does the stench come from that little torch that is their emblem?).

Tragically, the time when New York University’s dormitories are filled with the most intelligent students is the summer, when very few of the students attend NYU. One can only hope the NYU administration is aware of this and hoping some of the brainpower will rub off.
Note: Frugal Midwestern State School X students interning at Houlihan H(L)okey are known to spend their entire summers in one of New York’s, communal-bathroom “youth hostels.”

What They Wear

Like their unpolished speech, summer interns’ fashion is a bit too frat. They can easily be spotted by their brand spanking new canvas messenger bags and shoes from Aldo. No joke, I even saw one on the street with white socks and black pants—must have been a rough day at work for him. Interns are universally clueless, but perhaps most tragic is that many have gone out with their mothers and intentionally invested in their “sweet” new threads. Come on Intern Mom—I know this shit wasn’t acceptable in your day, either.

Where They Go Out

Summer interns beam proudly when they’re out at someplace like Bowery Bar, the South Street Seaport, or that horrendous bar in the middle of Union Square; they’re almost endearing all lined up drinking Rum & Cokes or Long Island Iced Teas or god knows what. They will also spend a fair amount of time at the Hudson Hotel, Maritime, and waiting in line outside the Gansevoort, but the summer intern will, unequivocally, wet his pants and leave the bar/club scene behind if he even hears mention of a “rooftop party” (2 Gold! 45 Wall! et.al.).

Inspecting this culturally-unrefined species, it’s frightening to think that many interns will one day join the ranks of real Bankers and leaders of their generation. It’s scary to consider the massive amount of responsibility that will be placed on those young shoulders in just a couple years. It’s almost a miracle that the system functions.

But interns aren’t all bad, and there is a bright side to having my city flooded with them—it’s even more easy than usual for an established finance guy like me to woo a young female. “Deal flow,” as it were, is greatly increased.

As a matter of fact, I’m currently filtering a list I’ve aggregated from friends still at banks for a girl intern to invite out to East Hampton for an unofficial information session. I’ll mentor and guide her through all the tough questions she’s facing: was it ok that she was having some trouble understanding how to create a restructuring model for a bankrupt corporation with multiple cross-border divisions?—Sure, girls aren’t expected to complete the difficult work anyway. Will it be tough on her as a woman in finance?—No, she’s cute. And will it be bad if she doesn’t get an offer?—Yes, she won’t be able to leverage that offer for a better one, and she might end up working at a place whose name doesn’t incite envy. Imagine that.

She’ll nod (too frequently, as if she’s in class) through all of this, and her eyes will widen when I casually tell her the tale of the credit agreement I just negotiated. It was just for the revolver; but hey, that word even turns me on. Then, when she’s sufficiently impressed, I’ll bust out my new Tods1 (white stitching and tie) which will undoubtedly push her over the top.

Hopefully, if I filter well enough, my summer intern will be one with an unnaturally clear, acne-free complexion, and I’ll be able to simultaneously experience my two favorite things in the world, sockless.

—–
1Intern chicks don’t even require the real high-end shit.


297 comments for this post.

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  1. -1 votes + -
    Chicago rules Said:

    Entrepreneur, Princeton is easily the best undergrad school, along with Harvard. It kicks Yale and Stanford?s ass. The WASP elite sends their kids to Princeton, not Stanford. Get a clue, you idiot. Stanford is a freaking joke.

  2. -1 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    Entrepreneur sounds like it might be a psuedonym for that pillow-biter meandjoemoomoo who hasn?t been around for a bit. That or Hedgie, another homo-tool.

  3. -8 votes + -
    Chitown Baby Said:

    Lets face it, the East Coast sucks, period. New York is a cesspool and all the Ivy League pricks can go fck themselves. Id rather chill in the best city in the world, Chicago. Shoutout to my boy Dogg Pound! Gyea!

  4. +3 votes + -
    pe god Said:

    Entrepreneur, why are you tryin to start this east coast v. west coast beef? can?t we all just get along?

  5. +1 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    The bi-coastal beef is tired. I am tired too?from d-styling Entrepreneurs sister while he?s toiling away trying to get that great business off the ground. Listen, technology isn?t cyclical, selling pagers is getting you nowhere. The real money is in portable compact disc players.

  6. +4 votes + -
    Pton fratter Said:

    Entrepreneur: Your point is well-taken, to an extent. As a former economics major, I freely submit that the undergraduate program could be more rigorous. Your subsequent conclusion, however, leads me to question your very moniker: what legitimate entrepreneur would hire with systematic biases against a significant fraction of the elite college workforce? What you are proposing is akin to the Yankees refusing out of hand to sign Dominican players because they are relatively less-talented than their Puerto Rican and Cuban counterparts. The central axiom of entrepreneurship is the relentless pursuit of merit?not the knee jerk rejection of a one tenth of potential employees. I?d be surprised if you?ve been very successful with asinine decision rules such as that one, sir.

  7. +2 votes + -
    Pton fratter Said:

    I?ll politely spare you blame for the following, the subtlety of which you might have missed because you skipped an intro stat course for the pets.com stock certificate burning party at tressider: Princeton is 12% Greek. Your cherished recruiting method thus ignores 94 potentially qualified and non-douchey candidates for the sake of punishing those 6. Clever. It is also worth adding that not only is Cap and Gown one of the least frat-ridden bicker clubs, it is also overwhelmingly the most diverse club on the entire street.

  8. -6 votes + -
    Londoner Said:

    Based on all of your meaningless bickering about universities, I can see you all haven?t learned much during your time there. Once you graduate, you have an accredited college degree and you join a pool of hundreds of millions. Beyond that, you will rely on social skills and overall performance evaluation to advance. (i.e. I am 1 of 22 that won my current position out of a pool of 750 applicants. I went to a public university and received ?good? grades. There were a handful of applicants from all of the aforementioned schools) But thanks to people like you, people who know ?the game? can ride the wave on in. I look forward to your lackluster responses for vindication of your inability to operate in ?the real world?. It?s almost sad, really.

  9. +8 votes + -
    gazed 'n' confused Said:

    Dogg Pound The only time you and ?lil pimp made it into the NYU dorm was to borrow a set of jumpleads for your lime green Lada, piece of cr%p broke down dragging your sorry asses back to Jersey City.

  10. +4 votes + -
    stan Said:

    good god?what is it with you state school people? Why do you all have an inferiority complex? Just because a couple of us make fun of your schools or deride it, you?re supposed to take it in stride. The fact remains that the AVERAGE IQ at Ivy will be forever be far higher than the AVERAGE IQ at your state school. There are smart people everywhere, but on average, they congregate at the ivy?s. I?m happy for you that you ”made it.” But you don?t have to rub in the fact that you went to state school. wharTON

  11. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    fuck off, y?all

  12. +2 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    i thought all the limey Brits had left this site to go home and suck each other off, no?

  13. +11 votes + -
    dogg pound gansta Said:

    gazed? thanks for da love? you know me dawg? yep, i?ve dragged my broke ass to hoboken a few times with some jersey shore girls? but, they were one of da best fucks eva? you should try it some time? you know those girls only give da jersey meatheads a ride? somehow lil oh doggy dawg pound got a ride?. go figure? being broke and po some times gives you street cred? fo dogg? where da fuck were you? i was at LaGuardia waitin for you to stroll up in da Maybach? you left my ass hangin and i was left with ridin home with some skanks from Scores who had a betta ride than 80% of da bankers out here? go figure? lil ol wannabe gangsta was able to get a ride from strippas who most of you bankers pay half your bonuses for, go back to their crib in da upper east side and gave them some pearl necklaces as well as knock off LV bags from China? i shouldn?t even be postin here? i?m not ivy league edumacated nor west coast silicone valley supportin school-cated? i just throw out the GYEA and some how i wind up with dime pieces who want to exchange their dimes for ten pennies a night? dats 1 penny on their face, 1 on their eye, 1 on their nipple, and one on da? oooooh i never took anatomy class so i betta get my ass on da leveraged Docta site and learn some shit before i post here? ?a! i can?t even spell it ?.

  14. -8 votes + -
    Londoner Said:

    Straight talker? that?s all you?ll ever be?a talker. Stan ? I would say the pendulum swings both ways. I have met so many finance people in the UK that are here for summer trainings from ny. Without stating my credentials, I am discredited for the fact that I didn?t go to a private school (i chose to pay less and got a better job). To the same degree, from my experience, most Ivy?s have come off as pretentious pricks. And I can attest that my friends that chose to go to Ivy?s and Cali privates became pricks? must be a 100 level course. Averages can be misleading (not sure if your a numbers guy). And where did the highest rank b-school lead you? Read the 3 books to interview at Goldman Sachs? Or were you a shoe-in?

  15. +5 votes + -
    man Said:

    Straight Talker is gay.

  16. -3 votes + -
    straight talker Said:

    man, you said you wouldn?t tell anybody if I didn?t after you tossed my salad last night

  17. +2 votes + -
    stan Said:

    Londoner?like you said pendulum swings both ways. I?ve met kids in NY from down South who throw around the ”N word” for AAs all the time. Biggest piece of shit. Guess what? They went to public school. And averages don?t lie. Smart kids do go to Ivy?s if they get in. Financial aid is outstanding. I?m a prime example. And even if it isn?t, you should still attend for the kickass alumni network, job ops, etc. As for your personal questions, my highest rank b-school landed me quite well when I graduated with a top BB. I wasn?t a shoe-in. If the state school kids had worked their ass of in high school, they wouldn?t have to put up with this shit.

  18. +7 votes + -
    dogg pound gansta Said:

    this is so embarassing? so like i?ve been trying to front like i am all gangster and such here for the past two months? and like i think i have it down pat? but, man, i just got a letter today from my ivy league school asking for a donation? gosh darn it! i?d like to support my school, but man oh man, if i do so, i would ruin all the street credibility i?ve built? what am i to do? straight talker do you have any advice for an honest guy trying to make it legitimate in this harsh world? gosh, i hope to be friends with everyone on this site? but, i think i?ve made a boo boo?every time i open my mouth, i mean to compliment and make friends? but, some how i end up being a big butt hole? fo dogg, hedgie, gazed n confused, let?s make amends and open some corks at marquee? we will try to talk to some good looking models and invite them for dimsum in chinatown on sunday? then, maybe put on our rollerblades and wow them in central park!? YEAH! is that a good plan? hit me back?!

  19. -1 votes + -
    testes testes 123 Said:

    we all know you?re a honkey, dude.

  20. -8 votes + -
    buzz lightyear Said:

    i am hearing that ”Investment Professionals” (not Senior Investment Team members) at Lightyear Capital made $15-$17m last year, does that sound like crap or what? Anybody got any better insights into this?

  21. -6 votes + -
    rainbow6vegas Said:

    dogg pound gansta, your sissy liberal arts ivy is no match for M.I.T.

  22. +4 votes + -
    ilovelac Said:

    Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Everything is great, my only complaint is nothing new in a while. I implore you, please keep it coming

  23. +4 votes + -
    VP Said:

    someone said it earlier and it?s true: you?re all quite worthless as analysts and interns and you ARE doing shit work that no one that can avoid it wants to do. hell, even im stuck with shit sometimes? the bottom line is this, the ibanking side of investment banking died a long time ago, nothing new happens in corporate finance. For all you interns and analysts that can get out, go to the capital markets side where there are infintely many more opportunities and ppl actually like their jobs. Oh, and for the universities debate: the University of Chicago is the only real school left. althought princeton and mit are a close second. and before you trash that, go compare the syllabi

  24. +8 votes + -
    rainbow6vegas Said:

    UChicago is a good school. But more than the school is what you study in school that really matters. I mean, in math programs everybody does ODEs, PDEs, Lin Alg, Algebra I, Real Analysis (maybe complex analysis), etc. So doesn?t matter? But you can go to Princeton and major in basket weaving? so who cares? And nothing is more pathetic than a ?basket weaving? grad from a top school who thinks he?s the shit? OK maybe I?m a little bitter because I?m in grad school(non-MIT) right now living on a freaking stipend with the promise of post-doc hell, maybe if I?m lucky, someday. On the other hand I see friends from college making a killing? Maybe the joke is on me? Maybe I?m the sucker? the moron? Maybe I should just quit after my PhD qual. exams and cut my losses short? Wow! I?m having a major epiphany tonight! You know what, I?m going to do some research on this? Maybe this website changes one person?s life for the better?

  25. +2 votes + -
    The Pwnage Giver Said:

    Entrepreneur: I?ve loved your work on this board. I hope to see you again. stan: ”good godwhat is it with you state school people? Why do you all have an inferiority complex? [?] There are smart people everywhere, but on average, they congregate at the ivys. [sic] [?] wharTON” Wait? you?re trashing state schools when you went to Wharton? Dude: you went to an *undergraduate business school*? Not that the ”Ivy League” designation is meaningful anymore, but guess what? You?re not Ivy, just as I would not be if I got a Harvard MBA or JD. If you had gone to Penn, you would be? if you care about that sort of thing, which seems to be the case. Undergraduate business schools sadden me, because the kids going into them are reasonably intelligent and yet have no idea of what they?re missing by cheating themselves out of going to college and getting a real college education. ”Oh, and for the universities debate: the University of Chicago is the only real school left. althought princeton and mit are a close second.” There are a few ”real schools” left. Chicago comes to mind quickly, along with the top liberal arts colleges like Williams, Carleton, and Swarthmore. MIT and Caltech are great, but present the obvious danger of premature specialization? then again, that?s a problem for anyone gunning for grad school these days. Harvard, Yale and Princeton still have excellent opportunities and some really great students, but ”leadership” admissions lead to swelling douchebag/loser populations that damage undergraduate life.

  26. -4 votes + -
    not a banker Said:

    All?Your thoughts on the biggest bank merger in history and what that means to your industry?

  27. -1 votes + -
    LEHMAN Said:

    liberal arts schools are a fucking joke you idiot

  28. +3 votes + -
    Entrepreneur Said:

    One last thing – I am quite skeptical of any statistics course that would teach you that 12% of 100 is 6, Pton. Perhaps you should get a refund on that degree.

  29. +4 votes + -
    unimpressed female Said:

    Ahem. Was someone an unhappy accounting major in an undergraduate state school program, LEHMAN? Hmmm.

  30. 0 votes + -
    Entrepreneur Said:

    Oops, you couldn?t possibly have known that applicants to my company are overwhelmingly male. Sorry about that.

  31. -2 votes + -
    The Pwnage Giver Said:

    Liberal arts colleges pwn. Enjoy lugging your opera glasses to every class for your first two years, dude.

  32. +4 votes + -
    dogg pound gansta Said:

    first off, lehman is a joke? 2nd i was a language major? slavic languages and asian languages as a minor? why u ask? ivy league cats can get into any firm regardless of major? but, let me get back to priorities? my command of the slavic languages enabled me to travel to Praha and game the hottest women? btw, Borat wasn?t speaking kazak shit? he was speaking Czech? speaking of liberal arts? yes, i was quite liberal when i introduced the slavic women to the fine liberal art called ANAL? nuff said? gyea ?

  33. -4 votes + -
    Now in Houston Said:

    what about Georgetown, my alma mater?

  34. -1 votes + -
    Chitown Baby Said:

    hey anyone working in PE. Get your resume together, the golden age just ended yesterday.

  35. +1 votes + -
    pe god Said:

    enough talk about akademics..last night i was at Cain and i ran up on a shawty and axed her if i could buy her a drank, she axed my why, and i said cuz i got money in the bank?and it was on from then. dpg fill in the blanks for me? p.s. on the akademik tip i gotta say Ephs rule and the rest of you cats can drool over it.

  36. -3 votes + -
    rainbow6vegas Said:

    So if I were to want to get into finance, what would some of you recommend I do? I know very little about finance. Even applied math since most of what I did as an undergrad was focused on pure math. And on the grad level the subjects become even more theoretical. What field of finance could I get into and be successful at. I am in my second year of a decent math phd program (think along the lines of Duke, Cornell, etc). Finance is more like statistics from what little I know about it. HJM, ARCH (and its variations), etc. By the way, Georgetown is a very solid school. I have a guy in my program who went there and is brilliant.

  37. -2 votes + -
    Intern from NYU Said:

    Sadly speaking, that is the truth. But of course, exceptions always exist.

  38. +2 votes + -
    dogg pound gansta Said:

    PE G? you know that you dont need me to fill in da blanks for ya playboy? i know that you have it down? i love how this site is turnin more gangsta? every cat and his motha is copping da lingo? gy__? PE i?ll make it easy for you? make yo ho spell it after you bang her?

  39. -7 votes + -
    Go Wildcats! Said:

    fuck yall. northwestern is the only real school left

  40. 0 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    new post pleaseee

  41. 0 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    dogg pound gansta you?re disgusting

  42. -2 votes + -
    LAGAT Said:

    but? ARE YOU LAGAT?????

  43. 0 votes + -
    R. Kells Said:

    Like my mans Twista and I say on a joint? ”we like the girlz that like to keep the ”D” up inside them” ~ R.Kelly

  44. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Note: My affinity for black and brown loafers does not quite carry over to their female counterparts.” Haha, thank you so much for this!!

  45. +5 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    Dogg Pound Gangsta is an Eastern European high school kid from Queens, NY with a bad case of acne. He enjoys wearing G-Unit and Rocawear as he ”cruises” around in his mom?s Nissan on weekends with his ”boys”. They normally just get blitzed on Georgi vodka, drive around a little and go home. DPG, as he calls himself, hopes to one day get out of Sheepshead Bay and go on to work either in IB or S&T, where he will truly become a ”baller”. But his near-term goal is to finally ”bang” a ”hot chick”. His first bonus will be spent on some ”bling” and any remaining funds will go to treat his acne.

  46. +1 votes + -
    NICEEEEEE Said:

    Messenger bags are certainly not frat.

  47. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    so banker intern chics are hot but banker chicks are not? what happens to a woman in those years between intern to banker (other than age and drooping tits and heightened sense of self worth)? please explain

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