Thursday, February 8, 2007

Pocket Changed My Life

Pocket Change New York Speed Dating Pen

I, by the grace of my own diligence, was able to come home early from Ohio yesterday. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that being in PE meant that half of my life was going to be spent traveling to shitshow portfolio companies to boss around retards twice my age with the business acumen of Accenture employees? That would have been nice to know (not that it would have changed much).

Anyway, I was able to make it home a bit early yesterday for Pocket Change New York, a speed dating event by Pocket Change for “Rich Guys & Hot Girls.” Shallow? Perhaps. But honestly, it’s not the easiest thing in the world meeting a girl when you’re working as hard as I do. And frankly, it’s nearly impossible to meet someone new when the (stretched) radius of your circle of friends only extends out from “finance” to “consulting.” While consulting bitches do tend to be kind of freaky, I figured that it’d be nice to see what a fashion designer, PR chick, or a model would have to say about my new, elevated post within the business world. I reckoned she might like it.

So I made it to the event. Slightly late, but getting out “early” wasn’t apparently early enough to make up for my cab driver’s excessive sloth. IIT really needs to open a school for cabbies, because these Sanjays we’re getting really aren’t up to snuff.

But finally, I walked into the parkside UES restaurant, checked my coat, verified my name, and made my way into the main area. The bar had lots of little tables with paired, oval backed seats. The general plushness felt like my dad’s den, or maybe even like a non-bicker eating club at Princeton. But unlike either of these, the bar was filled with beautiful, scantily-dressed women.

I beckoned the Asian girl (the only one of those there, mind you) in charge of seating, explained my most unavoidable lateness and was seated immediately with my own placard: Lucky Number 7. I was too late to get a proper sheet or nametag, but my $500 entry fee did manage to afford me a shitty plastic Bic pen. Fun!

Right after I was seated, the biddies began to roll in one after another to meet me. Upon inspection, it turned out that the majority of the girls were much more scantily dressed and slightly less beautiful than I had originally anticipated. Perhaps it was the lighting. Or perhaps it was the fact that throwing a “model” event during fashion week is not terribly pareto efficient (could have for sure been better off)—kind of like having the NFL Pro Bowl on the same day as the Superbowl. Still, however, the girls were hot (perhaps just a bit more dirty hot than beautiful).

And during our allotted 3 minutes, it turned out that instead of me having to try to convince the girls I was worth having sex with, they were put on the spot to convince me they were worth my time. Having a girl know for a fact that you make a lot of money is apparently just as magical as one would assume. Sure, I’ve felt girls speculate about me based on what club I’m at, my clothes, etc., but even associate magazine editors can get some decent gear on BLUEFLY.com or wherever the hell and show up at Pink Ele. The fact that my wealth had been notarized by this lame group of party promoters, though, officially turned the tables. It was like I was still a banker, but the roles were flipped. Instead of going out on a roadshow, the banks and management teams (now dumb, hot chicks) were coming to me–perhaps the only situation in which the notion of being a commercial bank, mutual fund, or insurance company is not totally repulsive.

Let’s consider a few standouts:

  • Biddy #1: Self-proclaimed “socialite” who hangs out only at the Hotel Gansevort, Level V, and Tenjune.
    • Thoughts: you: “socialite” :: corporate lawyer : baller.
  •  
  • Biddy #2: Slightly thick Murray Hill girl with self-confidence issue and perpetual desire to be photographed.
    • Thoughts: Who Photoshopped your pics into being able to pass the “expert” screening panel, Ms. Husky? Dude deserves his own art gallery for that pixel wizardry.
  •  
  • Biddy #3: Gorgeous brunette who flew in specifically from Dallas for the event that asks me: “What inspires you?”
    • Thoughts: Girls that fly 1500 miles to meet rich dudes like me.
  •  
  • Biddy #4: Paris Hilton look-alike from Winnipeg, Canada who claims to have never ventured below 14th street because “The Poors” are dangerous.
    • Thoughts: Tru dat. I get nervous around 20th sometimes—you never know how far up The Poors may have encroached.

  •  
  • Biddy #5: “Fashion entrepreneur” who is starting her own high-end shoe company (any day now) based off connections she has made while living in Italy.
    • Thoughts: Sounds like the perfect market for a budding young entrepreneur with a fistful of her hubby’s hard earned cash. Sigerson Morrison watch your back! Dumb Chick, Inc. is coming afta’ ya!

And this went on for about an hour. It was semi-fruitful: I was getting girls’ numbers and learning about a whole slew of New York boroughs I had never even heard of before. There is apparently a “Harlem,” a “Queens,” and an “Essex County.” Who knew?

And then, just when the 5 glasses of red wine were pleading for release and my patience for stupidity were wearing thin, I met her.

She sat down with grace. She told me her name was Lauren, and we shook hands. She was delicate about it, and I pinched just firmly enough that I could see her shudder visibly as my general vibe of badassedness flushed through her body—a svelte one draped in a gold gown.

It was immediately obvious that Lauren didn’t belong. In a crowd of wannabe-FHM models, she stuck out like a Scarlet Johanson, so much so that I nearly asked her why she wasn’t at the Justin Timberlake show at MSG. But I figured it probably wasn’t good game to acknowledge that I knew that.

Lauren, not unlike me, was growing weary of the scene. Her blond hair brushed about against the gown selected to match it, and she informed that instead of meeting anyone decent and pedigree as she had naively thought she might, she had found what seemed to be 40 “real-estate moguls,” several “entrepreneurs,” and a handful of guys with “family businesses.”

But these words rolled off her lips with an air of prestige I haven’t felt since I brushed shoulders with the 180 LSAT/45 MCAT kid that dropped his Rhodes Scholarship to work at Renaissance. She said “family business” the way you and I say “Jefferries”—holding back vomit. It was amazing.

I listened intently as Lauren went on about the creepy old men that told her they had daughters her age. They apparently smiled and winked while saying it. She found this repulsive, but she did appreciate the 78 year old man that busted out his black card to buy her an even more top-shelf champagne than what was available. She found that to be “gentlemanly.” I took note.

We settled for a moment. After she told me that she was working as a model with Vision, she asked: “What do you do in the city?”

“Oh, I work in Finance,” I responded, Pavlov-style, always afraid to get into too much detail.

“What kind of Finance?” she prodded.

“Private Equity,” I said.

Lauren raised her eyebrows and the left edge of her lip almost mockingly. She jutted her chin upwards slightly and 100% dead pan, she went:

“Oh yeah? So what’s your typical debt/equity mix in an acquisition and what kind of capital structure do you employ?”

…I couldn’t breathe. Perhaps everything was augmented by the fact that I had just tried to explain the concept of “buying and selling companies” to 50 girls with an equal amount of holes in their brains and septums, but I was in full body shock.

I stared at her dumbfounded. This outlandishly good looking, polished girl had just dropped some serious knowledge on me. I was in love.

After a few moments, my head tilted to one side. I started to mumble a few words, but the chick with the microphone came on and said “Final rotation. Ladies switch to the next number.”

Lauren stared at me encouragingly as she draped her purse over her shoulder and got up. Still, I managed to squeeze out nothing more than a few, unintelligible noises.

She rested her hand on my shoulder as she bent down to get her mouth near in my ear: “Stanford ’01, HBS ’05,” she whispered. “Find me when you’ve got an answer.” And she tapped me on the shoulder a few times affectionately and left.

For the record, I did take home a model last night, but the only thing I could think of was Lauren.


152 comments for this post.

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  1. -33 votes + -
    Mike Church Said:

    Excellent post; this was some top-of-the-line material, not that I expected any less. I?d advise you to learn more about this Lauren; she may be smart, but the four-year gap between her college and MBA dates makes for what we might consider a minor prestige hit. It sounds, and I am aware of the, one might say, radical nature of this suggestion, as if she couldn?t get into the program straight out and had to do two years of work to have a way in. Unless L. was in another country from 2001-03, consider again your sheltered Manitoba girl.

  2. -5 votes + -
    Lev Fin Banker Said:

    Great piece! Keep them coming?

  3. -2 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    The whispered quote about Stanford and HBS is really gay.

  4. +33 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    A stanford girl could never be hot enough to keep you awake at night. You obviously have never seen the dogs that we get out here.

  5. +10 votes + -
    Stanford Girls R Fuglies Said:

    I went to Stanford and dude, those chicks are busted. But I liked the post very much. In essense, it is like getting an escort, except you pay the organizers and not the girl. Beautiful?

  6. 0 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    pocket change – can you mark a bigger X on the map for golddiggers?

  7. -14 votes + -
    Desi Who Knows Your Identity Said:

    Your style is played. Quit.

  8. +2 votes + -
    Not Back Office. Said:

    Mike Church: Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, girls go to HBS for more than an M.R.S.? And, really, a Canadian over a hot blonde? Again, that?s like choosing Colonial over Cottage. -NBO

  9. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    OK but not as good as your usual stuff. Sounds almost like it was written by someone else.

  10. +10 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Excellent!, please write more frequently.

  11. -11 votes + -
    Jasmine Said:

    So call the Pocket Change people and get her info. But for the love of God?get a hold of yourself first!

  12. -8 votes + -
    VS Said:

    Why is it if a girl says something even remotely smart, she?s all of a sudden a genius.

  13. +4 votes + -
    Mike Church Said:

    NBO: You missed the point. My post had nothing to do with the ”MRS” degree. Let me spell it out for you. If he?s an old-style banker obsessed with ”pedigree”, he?s not going to be impressed by someone with four years between the BA and MBA, because it probably means that she wasn?t able to get into business school without two years of work experience. People from the milieu in which he?d have interest can get into MBA programs straight-out and, if they?re interested in banking, enter the industry post-MBA at the associate level.

  14. -15 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Because the author doesn?t respect women, or his mom was an idiot.

  15. +11 votes + -
    jonny Said:

    loving every word, post more! made my day, a new LSO post.

  16. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You shouldn?t have dropped the Renaissance name in this situation. You don?t know what you are talking about there.

  17. +6 votes + -
    The Man Said:

    LSO is back with a vengeance??.excellent post?.

  18. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Nothing will every top The Shitshow?I keep waiting, but that one might hold top honors forever

  19. +6 votes + -
    Lauren Said:

    Oh! Did i forget to mention i was a huge fan of this website?

  20. 0 votes + -
    Louis Winthorp Said:

    30 comments and none yet seized upon the Asian comment with self-righteous fervor. I would love to think that Oh My Gaod put the satire-impaired readership in its place. Which is to say, somewhere served by the Ninth Circuit?s Court of Appeals.

  21. -20 votes + -
    banker Said:

    LSO needs to stop posting positive comments to his shitty pieces. Reading this crap was a waste of my time.

  22. +2 votes + -
    Ryan Said:

    Describing an outcome as ”not terribly Pareto efficient” is as nonsensical as describing a woman as a little bit pregnant??? or an item as very unique.??? Kudos on trying to use vocabulary and concepts you don?t really understand, though. Par for the course in the rarefied world of ”finance,” it seems.

  23. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    banker: If reading this is a waste of your time, why read it? Or is it that this is a random anomaly of time wastefulness? Be specific, man!

  24. 0 votes + -
    Still Laughing Said:

    Pocket Change looks like a lame rip-off of Leveraged Sell-out. Check out the creators bio: http://www.pocketchangenyc.com/WhoIsRich.asp Were there actually people who took this seriously and signed up for the Natural Selection Speed Date????

  25. 0 votes + -
    Stanford Girls R Fuglies Said:

    This post is becomming funnier every time I read it. Dumb Chick., Inc?. Now that?s quality.

  26. +2 votes + -
    Rob Said:

    The story was well written and pretty damn funny. To bad this tale didnt have a happy ending. In private equity a big timer is presumed to capable of closing any deal. I have faith that next time the outcome will be different. This account sounds like something Tucker Max would narrate.

  27. 0 votes + -
    nincompoop Said:

    banker has a chip on his shoulder because his IQ falls below the national mean.

  28. +3 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    > banker has a chip on his shoulder because his IQ falls >below the national mean. Let?s be more specific. More than 3 standard deviations below the national mean.

  29. +4 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    ‘But getting out early??? wasnt apparently early enough to make up for my cab drivers excessive sloth” Come on, no self loving PE Rockstar would take a cab! At least a black car. Other than that good irony as always, especially: She said family business??? the way you and I say Jefferries?????”holding back vomit. That being said, there really was a Paris Hilton copycat at that shoddy event rife with mediocrity from both sexes. Why anyone would want to emulate that skank is beyond me. I had the unfortuante coincidence of seeing the real one last month in LA. Also, while Lauren might not be real such girls do exist. A friend of mine is friends with a Princeton grad who is modeling right now and going into fixed income trading after that.

  30. +4 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    married, engaged, dating?you pay one way or the other.

  31. +18 votes + -
    Re: BSD Said:

    ‘Also, while Lauren might not be real such girls do exist. A friend of mine is friends with a Princeton grad who is modeling right now and going into fixed income trading after that.” By ”modeling,” I assume you mean FCFE. Stable growth. Or plus size, perhaps? Also stable growth.

  32. -4 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    That?s neat that you have a friend of a friend that is hot. This event, and as staggering as it is that it actually took place, with real human beings, was almost too easy a target for satire. That being said, I am just happy to see something else posted.

  33. -2 votes + -
    ooorah Said:

    I have a friend of a friend that may be hot. Too bad I?m stuck in cube ”jammin?” to know. But, at least I can dream of being a rockstar or BSD and look down on people.

  34. +11 votes + -
    Mike Church Said:

    ‘Lets be more specific. More than 3 standard deviations below the national mean.” Nah. There are very few people in IB who are actually below average. The sheeplike ”stupidity” of so-called ”business culture” (or ”banking culture”) comes not from true stupidity but from the rarity of smart people (a few can be found, but they hide themselves). Among ”soft skills” IBD types, the mean is respectable? probably 115-120? but the standard deviation is very tiny. The 130+ gravitate toward trading and quant jobs, if they can get them, and away from the ”soft skills” side of banking. This is because the very smart people loathe the idea of their performance and advancement prospects being assessed subjectively (read: by people less intelligent than them) and prefer to work where there is some degree of objectivity in the evaluation and advancement process.

  35. +5 votes + -
    jj Said:

    youre like the arod of speed dating. choking when it counts.

  36. -6 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    BSD, who are you and how do you know one of my many GFs?

  37. +4 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    ‘Too bad Im stuck in cube jammin??? to know.” Yeah, that?d be me if I was one of those 115 IQ bankers. Fortunately I?m a quant hedgie. Regarding that, I agree with Mike – banking bonus calculations are a joke based roughly on how much ass you kissed and the amount of time you spent at the office. The other thing is that a smart and creative individual simply cant allow his brain to be raped by monotonous tasks for 80 hours a week. Anyways, I know it must be staggering to think that a girl can be both smart and beautiful but they do exist. They?re just too smart and too beautiful to wind up in IB, an industry that seems to attract the sort of moderately attractive, moderately smart women who love having their self esteem boosted by every guy in the room ogling them (even if it?s only because they haven?t seen any other tail in days.) Love the stable growth comment though. PE Rockstar ??” after I bought, rode, dumped and shorted her ass you must have picked up the distressed multiple on your radar and snapped her up. I hope you didnt lever her up with too much junk though, she wouldnt look so pretty no more.

  38. +3 votes + -
    Mike Church Said:

    BSD: You?re a HF quant? How is it? I?m looking to go that way; we should chat. Hit me at filtermapreduce at yahoo dot com. ”Regarding that, I agree with Mike – banking bonus calculations are a joke based roughly on how much ass you kissed and the amount of time you spent at the office. The other thing is that a smart and creative individual simply cant allow his brain to be raped by monotonous tasks for 80 hours a week.” This isn?t just true of banking? it?s 90 percent of human organizations. It just surprises bankers more than people in other professions. The allure of banking to analyst wannabes is the idea that large investment banks are something sexier than the F-1000 megacorps that students from the top undergrads generally consider stale/outdated and avoid. They get smacked when they find out there?s really no difference? and, also, that if they?d taken the job at the F-1000 they?d at least have free time and a city where they could afford more than a closet.

  39. -3 votes + -
    Patrick Bateman Said:

    Too bad, I had Lauren last night.

  40. -1 votes + -
    cain Said:

    your best written piece yet, very nice.

  41. +24 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Hef said: This past weekends WSJ confirmed what I always knew. Modeling is organized poverty. Outside of like 10 models, they all work for free or trade??? for a dress that 20 people wore. What??? You mean all this time you thought that those hot blonde model types you see in SOHO with their dorky, bald, 5?-8?? banker boyfriends were with them because of their manly looks and witty conversation?.sh&t son, if some chump wall streeter wants to throw oodles of cash around and bring me to all the hottest clubs, restaurants, parties etc?.I?ll hang around for a while?until Im bored and move on to the next dork who thinks hes Gordon Gekko, and wants to fly me to the next hot spot?. Man?.you guys truly suck?.what a joke?.and pulease!!! whoever is going around calling themselves a PE Rockstar, Hedge fund Rockstar, or any other _____ Rockstar?.that is beyond absurd!! Seriously!! Come On!!! A financial deushbag Rockstar???? Yeah?.you guys let me know the day that the Websters definition of Rockstars replaces Metallica with a team of financial dorks from ISUCKBALLS Capital Management based out of ILOVECOCK, CT.

  42. -3 votes + -
    dholl Said:

    fucking stellar, as usual

  43. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You are calling these sluts biddies, but I believe they should be called bitties. Bitties arises from Tig ol? Bitties, and has been used to qualify broads like these for sometime.

  44. 0 votes + -
    Gekko Said:

    Jasmine.. glad to see someone out there still believes in love!!! You go get ?er! hilarious.

  45. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Janis Spindel (website – ”matchmaker”) needs to hit a fucking buffet or two. Nicole Ritchie looks like an amorphous blob next to Janis.

  46. -2 votes + -
    Goldbug Said:

    Plus size = fat. Check out one of the so called stars of the biz. http://www.sagesalzer.com

  47. +12 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    Anon with the long flamin rant: First of all, why are you pretending to be a hot girl? You?re most likely a jealous backoffice/litigation ”consulting” fool, or if you are female, then you must be way too fat to even get a middle market banker to look your way. Sorry. That being said, your logic is about on par with your grasp of the English language. Do you really think that those balding ”dorky, bald, 5?-8 bankers” are out with dumb bimbos because of their charming personalities and intellect? They?re paying up because whores have STDs and don?t show as well at industry dinners. He?s not bringing this girl to the club to impress her, but to impress everyone else by the quality of meat he?s able to pull. She is nothing more than a fashion accessory, although not quite as cherished as a good chronograph. Personally, I find these guys just as repulsive as the sluts they ”date” (lease would be a more well-suited term) – but don?t kid yourself thinking that it?s the bimbo who is in control. Then you rant about how abusrd it is that guys in finance call themselves ”rockstars” even as they allegedly take you ”to all the hottest clubs, restaurants, parties etc.” Even someone with your diminutive intellect must realize that this term has been in the vernacular for years to describe anyone young and successful at their job. Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks – people like you remind me why I get paid so much more than then median American family.

  48. -13 votes + -
    Tall Drink of Water Said:

    Ummm?what?s this no Stanford girls are hot nonsense? While you Ivy Leaguers are pasty or going to tanning salons, I was playing waterpolo for 4 years on Stanford?s dime. Tall, thin, fit and wearing rainbows and vintage OP stubbies, with a scholarship to boot. Take that, all you TI and Ivy and Cottage snotties!!!

  49. +2 votes + -
    tyrone slothrop Said:

    just for the record, stanford girls are beat. totally beat. p.s., to ”tall drink of water,” were you in k.a.?

  50. +2 votes + -
    ivygrad Said:

    stanford girls are so ugly it defies comprehension?.

  51. +5 votes + -
    Gekko Said:

    I just bought a house in ISUCKCOCK, CT. Thanks for the tip, Anonymous.

  52. +5 votes + -
    Rog Ahn Said:

    to be honest I prefer the girls I find on craiglist?s exotic connections – preferably around 4a.m. after sniffing through a gram or two

  53. -1 votes + -
    ltldebbiecupcake Said:

    Hmm, I?m by no means a model nor do I need a millionaire in my life but things are tough in Michigan. Has anyone looked at the match or yahoo sites lately – eek. So for me this would be an excellent way to meet someone who is at least well groomed and intelligent.

  54. 0 votes + -
    Midtowner Said:

    If not Stanford, then which top school produces the hottest girls? And, no, UT does not count as a top school.

  55. -4 votes + -
    anon Said:

    i WISH we had those type of girls at stanford.

  56. -4 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    Wesleyan has the hottest women alive.

  57. -3 votes + -
    nycfemme Said:

    this site is hilarious. people in finance are such losers. It makes me look at suits in a whole new way. fyi-no one focken cares about who went to what school and if you took the gmats.If you want a hot chic in nyc, she wont know the difference. And the hot ivy girls steer clear from pompous finance pricks

  58. 0 votes + -
    dgroovy Said:

    Thank god there are now places for wealthy men to pay to meet hot women. How did we survive before this revolutionary innovation?

  59. +6 votes + -
    GS Said:

    I bet my bonus that ”Lauren” is Harvard grad Stephanie Murg who is now in nyc. I met her at HBS ? in the OB course Power & Influence, natch. (thought you would appreciate that detail) I had the same reaction as you did. Good luck!

  60. -2 votes + -
    finlaw Said:

    Love it! Keep ?em coming!

  61. +4 votes + -
    fund of funds Said:

    the wealth requirements on pocket change are so bourgeois; half of manhattan (below 96th) qualifies

  62. 0 votes + -
    Jay Said:

    I just happened to come across this little piece?I linked directly to lauren, but if you go through the rest of the article you can find just about everyone else he described. This begs the question?did he really go? http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2007/02/natural-selection-3.php

  63. +1 votes + -
    TijuanaTornado Said:

    Wow, interesting link you posted there. If that is Lauren what a dissapointment. I?ve dated much prettier women and quite smart at the same time.

  64. -1 votes + -
    Analyst Said:

    Did our hero get laid? Fans will remember the previous episode where he took a Citibanker home and only got an HJ. Did he get any more (or even less) for his $500 this time?

  65. -7 votes + -
    Nancy Said:

    WTF? Lauren was not hot at all. Very typical looking, and yet with ”uniquenss.” When your features are ”unique” in a photo, in real life she?s a POS. Haven?t you guys seen those girls who do themselves up really well, but you know that underneath it all they?ve got jewish noses and oddly proportioned features? Think of that, gentlemen? your kids with those ”unique” features As for fake Paris?NO ONE SKANKS LIKE ASIAN SKANKS

  66. -13 votes + -
    mike Said:

    good choice of schools! I?m Stanford ?05 and will be HBS ?09

  67. -6 votes + -
    duhuh Said:

    it seems ironic to me that ultimately it is women with ?intelligence? and PE knowledge that impress you. dont they already exist in that banking/finance social circle of yours?

  68. -2 votes + -
    Cal is a public school -- eek Said:

    This piece is fiction. The Lauren in the link is 22. Assuming a four-year degree program, for her to be Stanford ?01 she would have matriculated as a statutory rapeable 13-years-old (damn hippie California laws). She?s also wearing a black slutdress, not the ”golden gown” as described by the author. And she looks like she can barely spell ”desperation.”

  69. +5 votes + -
    tom lee Said:

    my first thought was also lauren = stephanie murg but sm went to harvard not stanford and would prob. not show up at this type of event. but you?re in good company. my boss is obsessed with stephanie murg. he stalks her at auction houses (meaning he?ll be out of the office a lot this week). very funny to watch

  70. +3 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    Telling pictures. Apparently it was far worse than what I heard. If I was S&P I?d rate the average there BBB-, just slightly above junk. Some girls were also just plain fat, guess they didn?t look through submissions as closely a they claim. I?ve seen far better talent on many a normal night out in NYC.

  71. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Or perhaps it was the fact that throwing a ?model? event during fashion week is not terribly pareto efficient (could have for sure been better off)??”” Best line youve ever written. No need to explain it to said ”Accenture employees” who never even took intro Micro.

  72. -4 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Someone hacked into your blog and wrote a lame story. P.S. Bring back Murray Hill!

  73. 0 votes + -
    MollyMollyMolly Said:

    Your sloppy details are inhibiting suspension of my disbelief. Stanford ?01 and she ”works as a model at Vision”? ”They only want you when you?re 17/ When you?re 21/ You?re no fun?” Unless this girl is some kind of Doogie Howser, she is way too old to be a model. Get your facts straight, I hate to see you like this, Bhopal!!!

  74. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Nice ladytron quote molly?but yes, we need to go back to murray hill?

  75. -1 votes + -
    Ray Campbell Said:

    Lauren is definately a call girl. I know this because she used the same move on me.

  76. -1 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    and i definately no how too spell, ray

  77. -2 votes + -
    small co jones Said:

    clearly dudes dont go to events like these to meet smart, interesting girls? and yes, there are smart and interesting AND attractive women out there? especially in NYC, which I think has some of the most beautiful women in the world. But I highly doubt you will find them at Brunos..golddigger central of all all places..

  78. -2 votes + -
    PE star Said:

    Mike, I doubt you will be HBS ?09 with only 2 years of making power point presentations.

  79. -3 votes + -
    TFI 05 is a pretty lame class Said:

    the longing wistful note the piece ended on kinda made me cry, not laugh. step it up. also would be funnier if jeffries was slang for minorities.

  80. +9 votes + -
    jjc1122 Said:

    Who is this Stephanie Murg girl? What?s so special about her?

  81. -4 votes + -
    HBS 05 grad Said:

    Well written but assuredly embellished. No women with the first name Lauren graduated that year. There is however 1 female with the middle name Lauren- brunette works at GS

  82. -5 votes + -
    c. Said:

    talk about dull, that was the fucking ending. Oh yeah, good shit: NOT!

  83. -3 votes + -
    Lazard pere Said:

    jjc1122? Stephanie Murg & Louise Macbain are to quote a colleague prone to understatement ”Ambassadors from an alien land populated with smarter, taller and nicer blonde bombshells”

  84. -2 votes + -
    Jena Said:

    Hot girls and banking do happen. First, interviewing is a breeze because all the men look at their tits and dont pay attention. If you interview with a woman she is just glad you are female. As far as intelligence, hot girls are smart enough to get out of IB in 2 years. By then, they find really good bfs and get their nails done. Also, Wellesley College breeds the best chicks.

  85. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Indian boy can?t get dates

  86. -4 votes + -
    Mr. B Said:

    You are all SO obnoxious- absolutely positively revolting and clueless. You?ll never move beyond your current state of myopia. I pity you all.

  87. -10 votes + -
    NYCGuido Said:

    No jerkoff, Harlem and Essex County are not boroughs.

  88. -14 votes + -
    Re: NYCGuido Said:

    Wow, just? stop talking. You?re like the Dalai Lama of retards.

  89. -13 votes + -
    JohnTheGinnyTrader Said:

    Let?s be honest?have you ever got laid?

  90. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Do we every time have to wait a month for a post? Had the opportunity in biz week then vanished?

  91. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You are pathetic, and write as if you?re still in high school. You?d better pray the gods of leverage continue to shine favorably so you can keep your day job.

  92. +6 votes + -
    PE star Said:

    Wellesley chicks are so beat?they produce nightmares like Hill Clinton

  93. +8 votes + -
    models and bottles Said:

    when are we going to get another post?

  94. -4 votes + -
    Sophie Said:

    You write well and yes, your post was amusing but in a kind of sad way. I understand your reasons for speed dating, and hell I?d probably do something similar for the amusement factor, but I am telling you now. It?s really not that hard as a woman with half a brain to act like you know what you?re talking about in regards to PE. Think about it; if you have half a brain and you want to get a rich guy?[i.e someone like you], you would study up on shit you might need to know if you ever have to speak to them. With all due respect I didn?t find her comment that enlightening. Regardless of that, since this is my first comment on your site?I don?t know the kind of person you are?maybe you just want some dumb ass model who thinks she?s smart to cook in your kitchen. As a woman who respects herself, there is no way I?m cooking some man?s bacon. Even if that means I have to forget a life of lunches. I swear shopping must get boring at some point.

  95. +8 votes + -
    jjc1122 Said:

    I agree with the above poster. Lauren?s question wasn?t particularly insightful. Anyone with even a basic knowledge of finance could?ve asked the same question. Also, what are the odds of meeting a gorgeous model who?s also a HBS alum? Almost impossible, I would say. Here in Chicago, I have yet to meet a woman who?s both physically attractive AND really smart.

  96. -23 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    As much as all of us here north of the border love the poetic waxings of the testosterone filled blogs by bulge bracket pre-madonnas, I hereby plant my flag in the real IBD life, right here, in Toronto. Allow me to introduce myself, I am a 23 year-old 3rd year analyst at the top Canadian firm and being an Investment Banker in Canada is the ultimate shitshow. The firm loves the greensheets and boardbooks that I punch out in an afternoon as we market Income Trust IPOs and mining mergers. I check out of the office at around 8 pm everyday and meet up with a consultant or lawyer, confused about why I put a down payment on a penthouse overlooking Lake Ontario in my first year at the firm. Now I want to give the utmost respect to our friends down in NYC, but for the same work and pay, a real night in the life will open your eyes on how we truly play. The following is a typical Friday Night on Bay Street: 4:00pm ??” Senior people have cleared out by now to head up to their cottages and have left a few comments on my chair that I can rip off hung over on a Sunday morning. 5:00pm ??” The beer cart gets passed around the office and the boat races begin! Want to have that immortal buzz before heading off to Bymark for a brew with Canadas best gold-diggers. 7:30pm ??” My 8900 Pearl goes off reminding me of my reservation in the wine cellar at Torontos finest steakhouses. I just love expensing $150 dinners to the firm. 9:30pm ??” The girls at Brass Rail get off as we roll in; in all fairness its their most lucrative hour of the night. 11:00pm ??” Our black car pulls up in-front of The Fifth Social Club where, last week, we had a closing dinner for the largest Income Trust IPO in history. Thank the lord for allowing me to be a BSD; I can just picture my entrance IBD owns the house, bitch???

  97. +10 votes + -
    maria bartiromo Said:

    when can we expect another post?!?!

  98. +7 votes + -
    models and bottles Said:

    and the award for douche of all time goes to that back office guy from toronto.

  99. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Hey Toronto, it?s ”prima donna” not ”pre-madonna”, as in ”before Madonna”, you lightweight Gretzky-humping fuckface. How about you step out of your ice fishing shanty, throw a few more Celine Dion songs on your iPod, and head on down to NYC if you want to see what real BSDs look like.

  100. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Absolutely priceless. You really have out done yourself.

  101. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Maybe its just me but I think the Toronto post is sarcastic ”Income Trust IPOs and mining mergers” I could be wrong but that sounds too rediculous to be serious.

  102. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Toronto = Equities in Dallas? or maybe New Orleans?

  103. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    toronto? i think my firm?s back office has a back office there. perfect for cheap labor. the USD is strong there eh?

  104. -1 votes + -
    modelsnbottles.blogspot.com Said:

    top canadian bank = CIBC? I like all the name dropping from toronto banker?s comment, especially because 95% of the readers won?t recognize any of them.

  105. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wellesley? Um, why would you want to date a girl who couldn?t interact with half the population and thus had to flee to an all-girls school (excuse me, women?s college)? The education? Please. There are plenty of schools of the same caliber. That leaves us with the following options: 1) they couldn?t get into these schools, 2) they fleed the male population and have a chip on their collective shoulder, or 3) they are lesbians (not that there is anything wrong with that). Gentlemen, don?t say I didn?t warn you.

  106. -2 votes + -
    Africa Banker Said:

    Masterfully pieced together

  107. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You forgot 4) they are power-hungry/status-driven chicks who have dreamed of marrying a Harvard man since they were six years old. So a more complete picture of the Wellesley campus probably looks like this: 20% couldn?t get into Ivy, 30% painfully awkward, 10% lesbian, 40% shallow, gold-digging fiends.

  108. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Give me a Princeton girl any day of the week (right Gopal?). She?ll probably be smart and smoking hot. Plus unlike Wellesley chicks, she?ll probably stand to inherit the PV of your lifetime earnings from her daddy so she won?t be a gold-digger. She might be snooty, but I view that as a plus. WASP power!

  109. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m sure you?ll be able to tell me all about what real BSD?s look like seeing as you?ve got your MD?s nuts on your chin every night?

  110. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The only recent ball-to-chin action in NYC involved my nuts on your mother?s face while she sang ”O Canada” before the Rangers/Maple Leafs game at Madison Square Garden. It was a beautiful rendition, nevertheless.

  111. +8 votes + -
    anon Said:

    GOOD GOD WHEN IS THIS THING GOING TO BE UPDATED??????

  112. +1 votes + -
    What anon said Said:

    Werd, anon. Although you have to admit, the new comments do keep this place entertaining.

  113. +2 votes + -
    Gekko Said:

    This Toronto thing is hilarious. Please do another Toronto post oh SD of the north. You are the funniest thing I?ve read on this site since Feb 8, Slapshot.

  114. -1 votes + -
    GE Said:

    So she spent 5 minutes reading the WSJ before the event. This Lauren sounds amazing?

  115. +3 votes + -
    YourMom Said:

    Dear LeveragedSellout guy, please hurry up and post more, Ive read every thing on this site 3 times over and starving for more of this hilarious shit

  116. +6 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    new fucking post anytime soon bro. WTF is up with you? Keep the shit coming.

  117. +4 votes + -
    Re: Toronto Said:

    Income trust IPOs, eh? Good luck with your country?s new tax treatment, retard. And look forward to a future post on Canadian ”Investment Bankers”

  118. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    dammit put up a new fucking post!!!!!!!!!!!!

  119. +5 votes + -
    anony Said:

    you must have met the only gorgeous, non-skanky stanford girl in existence.

  120. +14 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m a real banker from Toronto and just wanted to clarify how much that other dip-shit is full of it. From a quick review of his post the following stands out 1- The Friday beer cart is a Scotia tradition, and they are by no means the Canadian heavy weight. That title is reserved for CIBC and RBC 2- He makes reference to having a closing dinner the previous week for the largest trust IPO. Scotia is a significant player in that market, but unfortunately that dumbass doesn?t understand that the income trust market was virtually shut down on October 31/06 following a change to the tax regime 3- Assuming my guesstimate of Scotia as his so-called employer, they have a meal expense cap at $25 (no expensing $150 meals) In summary, this idiot is making the rest of us in Toronto look bad and needs to get back to his back-office job

  121. -1 votes + -
    annoyed Said:

    Exactly. SHe spent 5 minutes reading hte WSJ. Nobody fucking says the acronym ”HBS” outloud in real life.

  122. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keep them coming, its been so long?

  123. -1 votes + -
    lbowhore Said:

    ok, lauren?s comment was pretty damn stupid. for a stanford mba grad, hmmmm. d/e mix? whatever i want it to be bitch!

  124. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Am I the only one who thinks Leveraged Sellout was behind the Toronto post? It is right up his alley, and it has been forever since he posted something fresh.

  125. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Canada, that was a great one about drinking before you left work. I used to do that when I worked construction in the fin District in NY. Is that because you have to pay for drinks once you leave?

  126. +9 votes + -
    Bored Said:

    Its been two fucking months. put up another post already, why do you move at the speed of a special olympic hurdler on this shit???

  127. +6 votes + -
    PEassociate Said:

    NEW POST! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  128. +5 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Your website may be a parody, but this is a real email written by a student from a top business school: ”Hey friends, I?m extremely busy with life, working on investments, applying to jobs, starting a new investment partnership, raising money for the rain forest/ my new fund, playing poker and enjoying life? Therefore,I?m willing to pay someone (preferably junior or below) $12+/ cash (negotiable) to be my life assistant? Tasks would include executing trades, doing due diligence on stocks, making phone calls to companies(for investments and personal business), possibly playing poker for me, running errands, drafting letters, rasing money for rainforest protection, buying groceries, getting food, cleaning my room, doing laundry, filing notes, getting dry cleaning, getting my computer fixed,and sitting in on classes for me and taking notes. Preferrably someone with a light schedule, that lives close to ?- Street. Benefits include making your own hours, refusing to do specific tasks, listening to great music (esp. if you like British rock, house music,progressive trance, New Jazz and 80?s), and spending time with a funny, handsome fellow like myself. Basically I need a mini-me? and you would learn a lot. Also, if you live outside of ? and would like to live on my spare bed and be my assistant you are welcome to, and you can come up with whatever fancy pants name you want? Also, I may need a life-in assistant for Boston or New York this summer – you can call it your summer internship at a hedge fund.”

  129. +1 votes + -
    Polish Law Guy Said:

    Dogg, you?ve officially made it across the ocean. Some local weekly paper mentioned this site. Keep it coming, the archives are only so big. Or go ahead and publish the stuff.

  130. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Please make my day?.time for a new post

  131. +2 votes + -
    ANON Said:

    you idiots, he hasn?t posted because hes busy writing a book. Gotta cash in sometime, right? even you blockhead bankers can appreciate that.

  132. +4 votes + -
    market taker Said:

    Its become obvious that the writers of LSO are not bankers and traders, but rather CPAs and corporate accountants who?ve had no time to post during ”busy season.” Expect a new post by the middle of next week.

  133. +1 votes + -
    Us Said:

    You?re pretty lame.

  134. +1 votes + -
    j Said:

    i am only been able to get by with no new post b/c of longorshortcapital.com they update very often. granted, they have shorter posts. my appetite for i-banker humor will never be satiated

  135. 0 votes + -
    naturallight Said:

    >>>Stanford 01, HBS 05,??? she whispered. >>>Id advise you to learn more about this >>>Lauren; she may be smart, but the four-year >>>gap between her college and MBA dates makes >>>for what we might consider a minor prestige >>>hit. Mr. Church, What ”we” consider? ”We” that have gone through b-school know that an MBA takes two years. So that?s two years of work exp and two years of school. Pretty standard stuff. Impostor.

  136. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Naturallight: Church can go f himself. You now, should watch your grammar. ”We” WHO have. Not ”that”.

  137. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    seriously, i want to take whoever writes this website and all your douchebag friends and fence you in on the UES. you?re so lame, we mock you and you cant even get that.

  138. -3 votes + -
    i love you Said:

    Hot?very hot. Your imagination is so elegant. (from a girl who loves your mind)

  139. -1 votes + -
    robbie Said:

    i never come here but my co-worker said people are really bitchy and anal about stuff. he was surprised no one caught this grammar error. he was afraid to post something because he has a vagina. ”And then, just when the 5 glasses of red wine were pleading for release and my patience for stupidity WERE wearing thin, I met her.”

  140. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Half you idiots need to lighten up. No one cares if the article is real or not. The genius is in the writing. Your articles are great LSO and I hope you continue writing because I haven?t laughed this hard in a long time. It?s a relief given all the family guy type garbage floating around out there.

  141. 0 votes + -
    Don't Pitch the Bitch Said:

    The play on words in the titles seems to work pretty well though there are many that you?re missing? 1)Getting the red out; including references to Ben Stein, etc. 2)As my handle suggests, ”Don?t Pitch the Bitch” and the inherent hazards of so doing. Movies definitely work? 3)Citizen (Co)Kane – a stretch, I know 4) The Departed w/ references to updated league tables 5)Double Indemnity – should be pretty easy in this market 6)There Will Be Blood – again fairly straight forwarde 7)The Devil Actually Wears Ferragamo loafs? And on and on.

  142. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Well done – welcome back??..

  143. +4 votes + -
    anon Said:

    This is hilarious! You?ve got the character down perfectly.

  144. -1 votes + -
    another f*#&ing commenter Said:

    Bravo Pugsley!

  145. +8 votes + -
    amish Said:

    What, all of a sudden ?intelligence? is an attractive quality in a woman?

  146. -2 votes + -
    PE star Said:

    Was there as well! Lauren and another chick named Lindsey were the only two who knew what I did. ”Private equity?.is that like a mutual fund?” That was the brain on the one I took home.

  147. +5 votes + -
    SWWIII Said:

    As hilarious and well-written as always. I only wish these stories were posted more often.

  148. +1 votes + -
    Bickeree Said:

    ‘Non-bicker eating clubs?” Priceless.

  149. -12 votes + -
    Hef Said:

    No suprise there. I was at an events at Tiffanys: Six b-models. all engaged, figures ?the store sells rings. Dude, post a Model casting call on craigslist. 40 will show up on Sat while you sort the mail. I know 6 guys that did this. This past weekends WSJ confirmed what I alwsys knew. Modeling is organized poverty. Outside of like 10 models, they all work for free or ”trade” for a dress that 20 people wore.

  150. +9 votes + -
    yat Said:

    great post?but you fail to mention that, unlike jeffries, at least SOME family businesses provide value-added services

  151. 0 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    really good post

  152. 0 votes + -
    Blackstone Rockstar Said:

    Brilliant!

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