Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Midday Stroll

In New York City, there exists an area known as “The Financial District.” More commonly known as the “FiDi,” this area is home to the city’s brightest, most attractive, and best paid individuals. The FiDi is the cultural epicenter of New York City.

And within this epicenter, there is an epi-epicenter: 85 Broad, Goldman Sachs’ main offices. This is where our story takes place.

Most days for lunch, I try to sneak away for about 15 minutes. Some people like to cut it down to about 4 mins and come back to check their fantasy teams during the other 11. Not me. Since I started working, I’ve always liked to use my small respite to take a walk around the office and down the majestic Stone Street. To me, the fresh air in my hair and that feeling of cobblestone under my feet is consummate Wall Street.

Today during my stroll, I walk by the good ole’ Ulysses Tavern. The façade invokes memories of my first week at Goldman, and I remember when we all used to go in there after work and get housed on Stella. I made out with a hot HCM (Human Capital Management, or HR) girl there once; she was as dumb as a brick, and I loved every second of it.

Back then, the world was all daffodils and pink shirts and saving the world one IPO at a time. A little technology, some media, and a bit of telecom in there for good measure, and it was happy days for all. Everything was bright, everyone was nice, and my outlook was achingly positive.

But today, two years later, I can feel that something inside of me has changed, or perhaps died. I am doing the same short tour I’ve done God knows how many times, but now, I can’t even walk down this fucking street without wanting to rip the faces off all these douchebags that I see. Out of all these Ivy League graduates and rockstar MBAs, not a single one has a clue how to dress, no one knows how to talk, and fuck, none of these people even knows how to walk right.

Am I the only real Banker left around here? Seriously, are these people aware how clueless they are? Do they not know how much of an embarrassment they are to the world’s premier Investment Bank? Jesus.

So, this is the question I pose to the people I see on my walk today:

“What the fuck are you thinking?”

***

Yo Shaun White, nice beanie! Too bad this is Banking, not the fucking X-Games.

***

Don’t you bitches have fucking jobs?

***

Time to buy some lifts for your shoes, bitch!

***

You are my only significant competition for biggest swinging dick on this block.

***

OMFG your face is gnarlier than the spreadsheet I was looking at 10 minutes ago!!

***

Peace Love and Gap!

***

Yo Julio, I spilled some Red Bull on my desk. Grab your mop and go clean that shit up.

***

50$ off all blue, Big & Tall suits at Men’s Warehouse!

***

Hmm…

Hey sweet dudes! No retail bankers allowed, huh? There’s a Pax around the block, boys!

***

Yo cuff-master, this ain’t 9th grade, and that building ain’t your uncle’s po-dunk company’s headquarters. Get some fucking real gear. And no, do not look to L.L. Bean over there for inspiration.

***

Fuck affirmative action.

***

UGH…You can be legacy at community college?

***

Revolting. Frankly, seeing all these worthless people everywhere is starting to give me migraines. It’s physically painful for me to even walk around here for too long anymore.

So what am I to do about this two year, daily tradition that represented all my hopes and dreams for Banking?

Fuck it, I’ll just cut that shit down to 4 minutes and start playing fantasy…


161 comments for this post.

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  1. -11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What a racist cunt you are! Hope your children get cancer.

  2. -2 votes + -
    boredatwork Said:

    Funny at times, overall this post baffles me. Are you trying to satirize the image of the greedy, racist, hyper-superficial finance guy – or is this your actual personality?

  3. 0 votes + -
    srpiltdown Said:

    ‘Im starting to think I-Banking doesnt require a vivid imagination or sense of humor.” You, sir, are correct.

  4. 0 votes + -
    wubears Said:

    wustl for life!

  5. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Thanks for doing this, pretty much 96% of the losers working in fiancial district and any other area of manhattan are complete tools. They are real wastes of space.

  6. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you live a trite and meaningless life.

  7. -2 votes + -
    Jenny G Said:

    Is everyone in banking as superficial and judgmental as you? This is why I don?t hang out with any of the people I work with. They are so shallow. Making fun of people for what they wear and such and feeling superior to them is cool apparently. I understand that you probably work really hard in your job, but putting other people down to feel better about yourself is just lame.

  8. +2 votes + -
    Deiter Aufloss Said:

    Jenny G: Stop being so bitter about waiting in line at the methodone clinc! More OJ = less bitterness!

  9. +2 votes + -
    FailedMonkeyNowCommercialBanker Said:

    Brilliant. Loved the Subway bit. Fatasses.

  10. +1 votes + -
    anon Said:

    Fucking affirmative action: I almost fell of my chair laughing.

  11. 0 votes + -
    mofo123 Said:

    i?ve read this at least 10 times since it was published, i still crack up everytime?

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