Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Night In The Life

Dear BusinessWeek,

A friend recently sent over a link to your article “Jammin’ Like Crazy at Goldman,” a description and insider’s take on life as an investment banking analyst. Frankly, the article left much to be desired.

The young gunner you selected to write this article appears to have attended one “Indiana University.” I’m not entirely certain where or what exactly this is, but I do know that it is most definitely not a member of the Ivy League. It is remarkable, however, that in a sea of pedigree, you managed to find the one statistical outlier. I imagine that chip on his shoulder is rather cumbersome to lug around all the time, huh?

Anyway, allowing someone like that to be the voice of investment banking is like letting the football team’s kicker speak at the national press conference. It’s like putting a band’s bassist on the album cover (not Sting). It’s like letting the ESL kid give the valedictorian speech at graduation—it just doesn’t make sense, and it’s comes out sounding all wrong.

Out of respect to The Firm, I will make no further comment on the writer, I’m mostly just concerned with Banking culture being accurately portrayed. There is indeed a lot of analysis and number crunching, but I assure you this is not at all what Banking is all about. All the important aspects of the lifestyle have been entirely neglected. The article does not even mention the most significant part of life as a Banker, the true essence of Banking: the nightlife.

To help you correct this blunder, I have attached some of my own notes, which should offer you a more authentic perspective, from someone with a bit more subject matter expertise. Feel free to publish these in your next issue. To facilitate inclusion in your magazine, I have followed your “day in the life” format, but mine is (cleverly) a “night in the life.”

You do run a fine publication (no Economist, but a fine publication, nonetheless), so I hope you’ll address this issue in a speedy fashion.

The following is a usual Friday night:

8:30 p.m. – I have been working on a spreadsheet for 9 hours straight, and the carpal tunnels is setting in with a vengeance. I adjust my back pillow and curse Microsoft’s odd split keyboard contraption. The tingles are running up to my elbows.

9:30 p.m. – My friends and I have now sent upwards of 30 one line emails back and forth discussing what we are going to do tonight. There is no consensus, but one thing is agreed: it is going to be epic.

10:30 p.m. – The musky scent of Manhattan nightlife is seeping into the walls of our otherwise sterile office and entering my nose. It smells raw, unadulterated, and sexy.

10:31 p.m. – Face time is officially over. I take out my Cross pen, puncture a can of Red Bull, and shotgun it. Once I have siphoned all of the party-nectar, I put on my blazer and leave. There is always someone that has to work late and can’t go out, and I assure them that The Scene will miss them dearly.

10:40 p.m. – I am at my friend’s apartment, pre-gaming with Tuaca, Grey Goose, and other fine spirits. The clock strikes 10:45, and we are now “Rolling Hard” – banker lingo for partying.

11:30 p.m. – The five of us roll to Marquee, a throwback to last year when it was our “go-to spot.” I catch a glimpse of the welcoming orange lights from about 100 yards away, and I long to be bathed in their electric heat, if only for a moment.

The line is long, but the bouncer spots our ties (each of which costs more than his Kia) and ushers us to the front. We buy bottles.

12:30 a.m. – I dance with a hipstery looking girl. I try to impress her by telling her how American Apparel was just bought by a PE firm. The line does not work and renders her confused. She asks me what stocks she should buy. I tell her she should buy stock in me: I’m feeling bullish.

2:30 a.m. – Only 1/1000th of my bonus has been spent. I buy two more bottles.

3:00 a.m. – The club is not as cool as it used to be. We go to Scores. Lindsay Lohan is not there, unfortunately, but all of my favorite dancers are.

3:15 a.m. – We have gotten 20 lap dances and a private room, all courtesy of the little green AMEX guy. Who’s getting jammed now?

4:30 a.m. – I end up back at my apartment and pass out after two Kati Rolls. My Indian banker buddy insists on going there every single time we go out, and I back it.

8:30 a.m. – My blackberry goes off, and I have to go into work. I try to shower the stink of booze and stripper off me, but it is futile. I go into work smelling like Manhattan nightlife. I am raw, unadulterated, and sexy.

Hope this helps put things into perspective.

Logan

Related: Jammin’ Like Crazy At Goldman


140 comments for this post.

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  1. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Love the psychoanalysis! I should start a website where I-bankers can talk about how great they are and how much money they make. What a bunch of sorry dimwits.

  2. -3 votes + -
    models and bottles Said:

    who?s rolling vip at the hottest clubs? not commercial bankers, those not from nyc and certainly not artsy back office trolls.

  3. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I find the these posts incredibly amusing. It?s a witty and biting indictment of the culture of finance which resonates strongly with me. What I find almost as amusing are all the comments from people who seem to take offense, and/or read the posts literally. You?re either brilliantly riffing off the author, or you?re unwittingly punctuating the their point. It?s called satire people, look it up!

  4. +1 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    Bbqchickenrobot you are such a fucking douchebag. Why have so many people not realized that this site is just one big joke? LSGod, please post something soon. The retarded comments are not amusing anymore.

  5. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you get your ass kicked a lot dont you? go big ten

  6. +1 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    I went to Indiana, but that post was fantastic. Some of the best satire on the web.

  7. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    oh cmon people?chill out. whether it?s a parody or not, these guys do exist. believe me, i?ve actually met men like this before. the city needs people like this guy. they keep scores (and fd) in business and give myself and my girlfriends a good laugh over brunch the next day. viva le douchebag!

  8. -2 votes + -
    Edwin Said:

    Wow, what a night. Ummm??where?s the part where you get laid?

  9. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Parody or not, I dont blame him. Its the lifestyle that warps you into this disease, and spits you out in due time. There is no satisfaction in this unsatisfaction and he knows it too. Pathetic, realistic and a tremendous loss of a human life.

  10. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘In private equity analysts??? arent newbies out of undergrad. Theyre post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where youre just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures.” That just means blackstone pe doesnt recruit undergrads at your school.

  11. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the amount of lame guys in finance that think they are ”ballers” is astoundingly pathetic. haha and the fact that you people get into fights on this message board is even more so. you people need to relax or, in most cases, get a life

  12. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    oh and i forgot, the only girls impressed by your ”wealth” are ugly fat untalented insecure chicks that cant make it on their own, or dumb hos?..good pool for a pick?.hahaha

  13. -3 votes + -
    Andy Said:

    You?re right, you really are a banker.

  14. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    makes me realize I?m in the wrong city. I have to drive an hour just to get to a strip club which closes at 2.

  15. 0 votes + -
    J Said:

    I?m embarassed to be a banker after reading this crap?

  16. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This guy is a major idiot who got into an Ivy only because of his connections, and hence, acquired a similar Glaucomic ideology as that of his family and peers who believe nothing outside of their world possibly different or worthwhile. A futile attempt to pick up a ”hipstery looking” girl wearing a blazer and expensive tie, only goes to strengthen my argument. What is even more pathetic, is that the only access to female genitalia required financing (pun intended). The only picture I can paint of this guy in future is that of the FOG (”f-ing old guy ~ 45-65) during your undergrad days who tried to pick up 18-23 year olds, by flexing his wallet at the bar only to get squeezed for his money and end up without any play. Yet, he never stopped trying. I guess you have to give him some credit for that. LOL!

  17. -1 votes + -
    can'twaittobeasummerassociate Said:

    This site is hilarious. Seems like NY is just like DC in terms of this focus on going after all the pussy in the club, bottle service etc. THe story could?ve ended better though. Sucks that the ”getting laid” part didn?t make it into the story.

  18. +2 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    yes, we like to go hairless there – we are also as good in finance as good in bed. Seriously, all these women at the training program dont know jack shit. its the eastern european girls that keep it going. that whole stereotype of russians being good only for getting laid are bulshit. we do a better DCF analysis than most of you

  19. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    PE_Playa Said: February 5th, 2007 at 7:48 am In private equity analysts??? arent newbies out of undergrad. Theyre post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where youre just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures. Yes, they do take Analysts straight out of the right undergrad insitutions. even blackstone does. i doubt they pay $1MM+ though.

  20. +4 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    Oh where can we go? Call me?.now

  21. +2 votes + -
    Eastern European Girl Said:

    whats your number?

  22. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    eastern european chicks are hot

  23. +1 votes + -
    Lovin Eastern Europe Said:

    Need to come to mutual agreement first, thoughts?

  24. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Just letting you know, IU graduates have much better foundation when it comes to I Banking than any Ivey League student.

  25. -2 votes + -
    Hamptons Weekender Said:

    OK, I?m fashionably late to this party but? Its like putting a bands bassist on the album cover (not Sting). If you?re going with the obvious, c?mon, McCartney. Bonus, a lefty. A Cross pen? Montblanc my man, Montblanc.

  26. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    first?love the post, thanks for all the posts and all the laughs in 2006 and we look forward to more in ?07. Cheers!

  27. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I savor each succulent word of every post with great anticipation. Bravo, nay bravissimo!

  28. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Funny ass shit. I?m surprised the usual idiots haven?t posted their hate mail yet. Look forward to more in 07.

  29. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    *kiss* keep it going sweetie

  30. -12 votes + -
    Get bent Said:

    People like you are ruining New York. Move to Westchester and stink up that place.

  31. -23 votes + -
    Hoping you die Said:

    I hope you get killed by an overzealous bouncer with a coke addiction, a mental disorder, and a >357 Magnum. Thanks for ruining my city, blueshirt!

  32. -6 votes + -
    macacawitz and kramer LLP Said:

    aww shit! the mingling scent of hairles poon, kati rolls and sex panther. i feel dirty just imagining this.

  33. +16 votes + -
    James Brown RIP Said:

    ’11:15 p.m. ? I reopen the Excel model I left unfinished earlier, throw on my tunes, and continue building the analysis.” let?s guess what he was listening to. i say 50 cent.

  34. +22 votes + -
    Centurian Said:

    Green AMEX? Speak when you?ve advanced to at least platinum level.

  35. +3 votes + -
    Lehman Brothers Larry Said:

    yes the sweet smell of Russian/Eastern European hairless vag! Reminds me everytime of who won the cold war. You guys at Goldman are pussies! We?re gonna rock you this year in corporate softball.

  36. +23 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    So, how much of your christmas bonus does it take to get you laid?

  37. +20 votes + -
    More Anonymous Said:

    To above: Clearly, you don?t realize that most analysts/associates make bank in the summer. Geez, back-office filth.

  38. -1 votes + -
    ANALyst Said:

    ‘Thanks for ruining my city, blueshirt!” identify yourself? hipster art fag or back office monkey? marketing perhaps?

  39. -8 votes + -
    ok Said:

    you bankers are all faggots, come to the LES and we?ll kick your asses

  40. -14 votes + -
    FinancialJournalistChick Said:

    Man? I wanna hang with you! I bet I can shotgun a Redbull faster than you. Finance is dull, dull, dull, but financiers are fun. That said, none of the stock-heads I cover sound as much fun as you. You should email me – I think we?d both laugh our asses off.

  41. -1 votes + -
    Waterface Said:

    It?s not that we think you need to be Nicole Dufresne?d because we?re jealous. We think you need to be Nicole Dufresne?d because you simply do. It?s just one of those, you know, truisms.

  42. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is irony, right? No way this could be considered fun.

  43. 0 votes + -
    We want more... Said:

    KEEP IT COMING in 07 pulllleassseeee! Oh, and to all you haters?go look up http://www.helpmewithmyCVsoicangetaproperjob.com Terrible thing envy.

  44. -20 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    We are supposed to take this guy seriously/ Just a few words of advice: Get a real chair. Working until 10:30 on a Friday? Get a out-of-office life. Pull out a Cross Pen? mmkkkay Nice?wearing a blazer?out? on a Friday?trying to pick up a hipster chick in it. Grey Goose as a ”fine spirit”? Oh how I weep for the uninformed. I bet you thought yourself so witty with the ”small talk” of the AA buyout. Congrats jackass, if you had a chance with someone who was impressed with this, at least tell her something that wasn?t common knowledge. Instead of buying stock in you, I guess she decided to short you. Green AMEX? Why am I wasting time with this again? 20 Lapdances?when is the line crossed between a drunk jackass on a Friday night and a drunk stalker who just fueled a few strippers bad habits for the next few days. Then the closing remarks? back in to the office on a Saturday morning? nice It does help me put it all into perspective.

  45. -8 votes + -
    up yours Said:

    what a douchebag.

  46. +51 votes + -
    dave Said:

    Most importantly, Scores doesn?t take AMEX.

  47. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    douche bag ??”noun a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas. [Origin: 1930??''35]

  48. +4 votes + -
    riiiiiight Said:

    This is obviously a joke, with a few subtle hints dropped: Cross pen? Give me a break. Did you just graduate from 8th grade? No one can tell a very expensive tie from just an expensive tie unless you see the label. For that matter, you don?t wear a tie with a ”blazer.” The only people that use the word ?pre-gaming? are Swingers wannabees.

  49. -4 votes + -
    you have to be a joke Said:

    of course the ?typical night out? doesnt end up with you getting laid, does it. Unless that happens with your Indian friend after kati rolls? you ?back? that too?

  50. -9 votes + -
    You stink jerk Said:

    You are a twatwaffle. What a sad little night with you and haji, if it were even true. I?m guessing you?re average night is more along the lines of a 50 bag of yay, and hours of sweating in front of your computer, fruitlessly trolling craigslist.

  51. -8 votes + -
    a chick's views on an i-wanker's life Said:

    If some guy approached me in a club, dressed like that and chatted me up using those pathetic lines, I would run for the life of sweet baby jesus and never return to that club, EVER. If I had spent several hours at a strip club and went home to Koti rolls, only to awake a few hours later to return to hours of spreadsheets, I would probably make a logical decision to shoot myself, or at least cut my wrists (but not too deep) in a barely concealed cry for help. Furthermore, if I went through nights like this practically every weekend, my all-consuming passion in life would be to find a new job/get a life a.s.a.p. But that?s just me. Everybody lives under their own terms, so if it makes you happy, by all means go for it? I wish you a very happy new year, i-wanker.

  52. +3 votes + -
    Cool Breeze Said:

    I?m with ”riiiight”: This has got to be parody. The Cross pen, the blazer, the AA pickup line, the green Amex, the trip to scores. Good stuff. That said, if it?s not? this guy?s an unimaginably giant douche. But no. It has to be. Right? And New York is already ruined. Has been for some time.

  53. +2 votes + -
    Shmegma Said:

    brings me back to the old days of flippin books and conference room dinners?..it?s amazing how much better on the ?ol social life PE is. now i got a commute, a brand new S4, a 50-hour work week, and twice as much bank as you pupils.

  54. +13 votes + -
    astralgirl01 Said:

    C?mon, this has to be a parody of the financial douchebags that plague NYC. The funniest above comment so far is the guy who knew that AmEx isn?t accepted at Scores. I have to admit, that made me chuckle.

  55. -6 votes + -
    paving Said:

    strippers and lapdances? retarded.

  56. -41 votes + -
    bob Said:

    Parody or not, this is just not that funny. You are essentially a bore. What with there being so much opportunity to make fun of these banking assholes, is this the best you can do? A word of advice, don?t quit your 18 hour day job. Irony, intelligence, and humor are completely absent from the drivel you post. And for you losers out there who seem to appreciate this shit, you may just be more pathetic than the fools who write it. Stick to your spreadsheets and your strippers (which are no doubt the closest you jack offs ever come to actually getting laid.

  57. +9 votes + -
    nice Said:

    Cool Breeze is exactly right. And if some of the ranters had read the prior posts, they?d know it was all a complete parody. But come on, those of us who read this on a regular basis click on the same post (admit it) a few extra times just to read the douche bag comments.

  58. +2 votes + -
    Yaser Anwar Said:

    LOL you?re the Ari Gold of the I-banking industry! lol keep it up

  59. +28 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    a chick?s views on an i-wanker?s life, based on what you said, and your eloquent use of language, i would guess that: 1) you?ve been burned by a banker 2) you wish you were a banker 3) you wish your impotent artist boyfriend was a banker i apologize for that banker that used you and threw you away like his freshly shotgunned redbull.

  60. +14 votes + -
    Lucid Said:

    Dear Singular Hate-Poster, Please, stop this nonsense. You are only allowed ONE(1) pedestrian post to express your inability to grasp irony. Do not attempt to create the illusion of more than one satire-deficient submental with additional posts. And no, your stuffed animal collection does not count. Not unless Captain Fluffy your favorite koala bear can Alt-E-S-V like a good little bitch intern from Colgate. I would get you a sense of humor for the holidays, but I don?t think they come in trial size.

  61. +14 votes + -
    johnny_twotones Said:

    i like my amex like my women?thin, black, and knows no limits?

  62. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    -a chick?s views on an i-wanker?s life Said: SH-SH-SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEETCH!

  63. -7 votes + -
    Tucker Max (not really but I like to pretend) Said:

    Thanks for trying to steal my voice and sucking at it. To everyone else, check out the guy that invented this and owns at it: http://www.tuckermax.com.

  64. 0 votes + -
    Love it Said:

    ‘?You are only allowed ONE(1) pedestrian post to express your inability to grasp irony. Do not attempt to create the illusion of more than one satire-deficient submental with additional posts?” Ha! Brilliant!

  65. +3 votes + -
    Lawrence Haye Said:

    I just read about you in businessweek and decided to checkout your blog. After reading a couple of them, i must say that you are very creative and your portrayal of wallstreet individuals. Very funny my brothers and I had a good laugh, good job?i maintain a business blog, ( hayecapitalgroup.blogspot.com ) and its good to poke fun of our industry since we can be to uptight at times

  66. -2 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    Cross pen – Cartier or Mont Blanc or a fucking Bic Picking up a hipster chick with a blazer? You gotta say you work at Whole Foods or some shit. They get turned off by the corporate elite.

  67. +8 votes + -
    anon Said:

    I believe number one on my favorite blogs list would have to be leveragedsellout – comment sections. thanks for the laugh

  68. +6 votes + -
    Harlem Haberdasher Said:

    Two comments related to article periphery: 1) In the Business Week article the Goldman guy writes that he works on projects involving ”real-time issues that corporations face today.” Can someone give an example of a non-real-time issue corporations face today? 2) One of the posters above asked that the author be killed with a ”>357 Magnum”. Presumably by ”>” he meant ”.” and mistyped, but the former is much funnier.

  69. +2 votes + -
    Goldmananalystsaredouches Said:

    What the HELL was that day-in-the-life piece? God help us. He gets his jollies seeing in the headlines deals on which he has worked? Great. Also, the cliche tach rammed into the red line by about paragraph two. Goldman?s analysts really suck. This douchebag will be heard in two years as follows: Op: Bitch hell Doshi, from Goldman Sachs, you are on the line. Analyst: That?s Bijel. Thank you. Good morning, guys, great quarter. Co: Morning Bijel, thank you. Analyst: Uh, had a question on margins for the upcoming quarter. Your incremental margin last quarter looked low by about three basis points. How should we think about that? Thanks!

  70. -16 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I used to look forward to posts on this blog. Sad to say, but they?re getting less and less funny, and that?s a shame.

  71. +18 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Did anyone read the original article? 30 minute coffee break, 1.5 hour gym break, and arriving to work at 10:00am? This guy should be fired immediately.

  72. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    There appears to be a lot of anger and hate generated by this ”joke” article (come on – it?s obvious). I am guessing that if you got angry you are either someone who can?t see a joke for what it is or you work in this industry and can?t take a joke. That is seriously sad and bad for your health. Nice article? by the way.

  73. +1 votes + -
    Anonymouse Said:

    ‘Goldmananalystsaredouches Said:” Hey dumbass, How about you figure out the difference between investment banking and equity research before making a retarded comment, mkay? Thanks.

  74. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Goldmananalystsaredouches actually said: ”This douchebag will be heard in two years as follows:” I?m assuming that the analyst (Bitch Hell) is already at least in his first year and Goldmananalystsaredouches was deriding the future career of this young go-getter: Sell-side Analyst (not a pretty thought.) I thought Goldman?s post was almost funnier than the article.

  75. +3 votes + -
    The Score Said:

    It?s true, Scores does not take AMEX? Balla!

  76. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    tried to use the corporate amex at scores and they dont take that crap im sure they take black amex tho for tru balllllllers

  77. -1 votes + -
    Goldmananalystsaredouches Said:

    Hey dumbass, How about you figure out the difference between investment banking and equity research before making a retarded comment, mkay? Thanks. Hey Mr. Garrison, your pseudonym says it all. Mkay? January 2nd, 2007 at 5:37 pm had the entirely correct interpretation. This guy will wash out of banking and I will end up making the mistake in two years of thinking he actually might provide some useful information or insight (if he?s a Goldman analyst, that will be a big no, since Goldman analysts are frustrated non-bankers or frustrated non-McKinsey partners).

  78. 0 votes + -
    S&T Said:

    V. NICE? S&T > IBD

  79. +1 votes + -
    Man Said:

    American Apparel wasn?t acquired by a PE firm, it was acquired by a SPAC, Endeavor Acq.

  80. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keep em coming!

  81. -1 votes + -
    ParodyPolice Said:

    I?m so enthrawled by the sheer volume of people that comment on this site that don?t get the concept of parody. If I had to have a conversation with one of these dolts, I swear I?d take off my $150 Burbuerry tie and hang myself with it.

  82. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ParodyPolice said: ”Im so enthrawled ?” What is enthrawled bitch? ” .. my $150 Burbuerry tie? ” Wow! You have a Burbuerry tie! You?re high class.. I just have regular Burberry ones.

  83. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You totally left out ”we busted out an eight ball”

  84. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Yahoo Finance??? *sighs*?..

  85. +11 votes + -
    The Score Said:

    Bitches, Scores does not take amex PERIOD? black (centurion) or otherwise? I should know, ?cause I been swiping that ebony plastic down stripper?s cracks for years? but not at scores. Try cheetah in las vegas, they cream for that shit. balla!!

  86. +1 votes + -
    katiroller Said:

    great post ? scores accepts amex from customers it knows ? obviously our favorite leveragedsellout is among them

  87. +2 votes + -
    Yalie 06 Said:

    They do not take AEMX at SCORE?s anymore.

  88. 0 votes + -
    The Score Said:

    katiroller, you don?t know what you?re talking about? you?re obviously a girl.

  89. 0 votes + -
    Hatorade Said:

    HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

  90. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The bouncer spots your expensive ties, and ushered you in? Give me a break. Like a bouncer would know what an expensive tie looked like. maybe if he had a vagina as big as yours.

  91. -11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Who gets up for work at 8:30? Give it up, you are not a banker, you never went to an Ivy League School, you probobly write these on your Acer laptop from your basement studio apartment in Forest Hills, and the closest thing you have to an expensive shirt is a buttoned down collar Club Room that you grabbed from the discount rack at Macy?s. P.S. stop watching American Psycho.

  92. +8 votes + -
    anon Said:

    I?m not sure if the people posting hatorade on this are 1) trying to defend what they do; or 2) havent gotten laid in a bit, but either way?settle. This is a satire.

  93. -9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you left work at 10:30? whats the matter, have your period? Work real hours pussy.

  94. +7 votes + -
    Kyle Porter Said:

    I am saddened that the immaturities of the postings detract from the wonderfully witty humor. Keep up the ego; I love it and can certainly relate. BTW- you and I met in NYC in ?05, a little club in Chelsea. You may remember me as the southern breed white-boy, technology entrepreneur from Georgia Tech in Atlanta. Those guys gave me a free designer tee-shirt I have a similar skit that I run for ”I love the south” frat boys and girls who party in buckhead. I think you would enjoy. Email me. Chenguey, Kyle

  95. -14 votes + -
    fuckup Said:

    you?re the most ridiculous person in the world. you are, if i ever see you in the city i?ll smack you for fun.

  96. +22 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    hey, i love the site. we met about four weeks ago at a little club in chelsea called Marquee. I had a couple of drinks at your table and we went back to your place. well?now im late. call me. Angela

  97. +7 votes + -
    anon Said:

    just to set the record straight scores does take any variety of amex very funny post, btw, keep up the good work!

  98. +1 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    love your style of writing..made me feel like u were writing abt me! have fun?.cheers and no wonder someone brought sexy back!

  99. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Great, but dude, American Apparel was bought be a special purpose entity (blank check IPO), not PE.

  100. -4 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    ‘love your style of writing..made me feel like u were writing abt me! have fun.cheers and no wonder someone brought sexy back!” the author probably wrote above quote himself

  101. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    As an investment banker, I am embarrassed to be painted with the same brush as the half-wits who actually take this post seriously. Perhaps my favorite is the guy who calls him a ”pussy” for not working ”real hours.” I know I certainly feel like a real man when I leave the office at 2:00 AM. Takes real strength and courage. The fact that this response came immediately after one of several responses pointing out that the post is obviously a satire makes it even more amusing. Is it possible that these moronic, hateful responses were just undetectibly sarcastic?? Probably not. And can someone explain why ”hipsters” and ”art fags” suffer the brunt of the offendeds? ignorance?

  102. -1 votes + -
    Dave Said:

    alright pal..just logged into ur website coz of businessweek..I am additional hit and an extra dollar into your pocket?u smoke the cigar dude..on my cigerette money! & yes..Great writing!

  103. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Only 1/1000th of my bonus has been spent. I buy two more bottles”??AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

  104. -2 votes + -
    ag Said:

    i?m a bit surprised at the lil green amex guy!! havent we at least moved to the lil silver guy (platium as ”they” like to call it)??

  105. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Try number 3: It?s a SPAC for God?s sake. If you are going to correct, know what you are talking about. Special Purpose Acquisition Corp. See: American Apparel, Jamba Juice etc.

  106. +7 votes + -
    Kevin Said:

    Great blog. Reminds me of my after college days. Its a great diversion from a hectic work day and puts some laughter and smiles on my face. Makes my day nicer. Thank you

  107. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I went to school with that kid in the Jammin? article. Needless to say (as if you couldn?t tell from his sweet ”headshot”) he was a huge douche. It doesn?t surprise me at all that he submitted that article.

  108. +6 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    1:30 p.m. ? My associate has reviewed my analysis and has some constructive comments. HAHAHAHAHA

  109. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    weak.

  110. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Gotta say, this was a pretty weak post. I could have made fun of that absurd newsweek garbage 10 times more effectively.

  111. +1 votes + -
    niiiiiiiiiiiiice Said:

    niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

  112. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘It?s 12 noon, and I?m tripping hard on Lysergic Acid – that?s banker talk for eating a chicken sandwich and really enjoying it.”

  113. -8 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    How is your carpal ”tunnels”? Proofread your shit you illiterate ESL student. (ouch, hate) Mad funny, but you have no credibility when you you misspell, amigo.

  114. -3 votes + -
    Man Said:

    Life of a Hedge Fund Analyst: Spend my days learning business models and valuations?actually learning something vs. editing powerpoint Make twice as much money as I did in banking and work 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week.

  115. +8 votes + -
    Re: Anon Said:

    ‘How is your carpal tunnels???? Proofread your shit you illiterate ESL student. (ouch, hate) Mad funny, but you have no credibility when you you misspell, amigo.” Pointing out semantics? Are you an elementary school teacher? Why are you reading a finance satire blog? Don?t they have blogs about melting crayons into Christmas ornaments and how to make those turkeys by tracing your hand?

  116. +8 votes + -
    AsiaTrader Said:

    ‘It is remarkable, however, that in a sea of pedigree, you managed to find the one statistical outlier.” classic line?..

  117. -1 votes + -
    Serious Beef Injection Said:

    You guys are all douchebags. Especially that guy bragging about fucking a russian stripper. Get fucked you bourgeois swine!!

  118. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    we miss you. give us a post? my days grow long and lacking in procrastination?

  119. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i love this guy. keep up the writing

  120. +5 votes + -
    Nancy Said:

    I am an HR girl (thank you, we are real human capital) and so what if I like my banker boys? They?re so great ? they go to the gym, have cute bed head, shirt undone just right. Plus, they always get steak frites, just like a man. I?m aspiring to get into publicity. For all you boys out there, I tan regularly at my local salon, am blonde with some cute highlights, love that chunky belt slung to the side look, and often get the specialty cocktail ? you know, the peach/lime martini. So Logan, I?m right up your alley! Give me a call sometime. My 40K can?t compare with your bonus! xoxo Nancy

  121. +1 votes + -
    Stanley Meade III Said:

    I?ll check this site every so often to see what the analyst monkeys are jabbering about. Unfortunately, their level of taste has not improved from being in proximity with their superiors (associates, VPs etc). Spending fractional amounts of your marginal income in public bars and strip joints is rather pedestrian and lacking. Fortunately, the foundations of banking (civility, taste, and bearing) are made of much sterner stuff than this current crop of acolytes has to offer.

  122. +1 votes + -
    Incorrigible artsy girl Said:

    SNORE. Sweetheart, feed the masses. We all have ADD and need a distraction that doesn?t involve Facebook.com. In the meantime, let me raise a question to the boys (sorry girls, I don?t care about your opinions): What are the best post-work banker/hedger/PE bars? I?m so tired with the current scene and keep running into first and second year Excel bitches. Or worse, students in the Village. Where is the best places to play this month?

  123. -1 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    Dorians AKA Club D, AKA The Big Deezy. Go there at about 3 AM and you?ll find some of NY?s finest up and coming financiers.

  124. 0 votes + -
    Aces UP Said:

    The Executive Club..SON!!! 45th N 11th

  125. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Unfortunately those who have the time to respond to this are either a) not working hard enough (or not working at Goldman); or b) not in the industry at all, thereby counteracting any credibility of response. Get back to work. Or invest your time in bettering your skills, so you can lateral in at Goldman and be filled enough with terror that you will never so much as look at a blog like this again, let alone post to one.

  126. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Choke on a dick, kthx

  127. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    300k bonus? pretty weak if you ask me. heard a blackstone analyst got a 7 figure bonus this year.

  128. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    new posts please?i love this shit

  129. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Dorian?s? How old are you 22? Grow up?

  130. -1 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    The new place in NYC is OBVIOUSLY The Park. With an outdoor hot tub, ultra exclusive door policy and ideal location just north of the meatpacking district, we?re talking about the place to be. Talk about B&T beauties!!

  131. +1 votes + -
    Incorrigible artsy girl Said:

    ‘The Big Deezy” (did you really just write that?) is definitely NOT what I?m looking for. But thanks, 22 is a ”neat” time in life. xoxxx

  132. +2 votes + -
    pm Said:

    Interestingly enough, there is a Logan in the corp. directory that?s an associate in M&A? It might not be satyre after all

  133. -3 votes + -
    Back Office Said:

    I thought artsy people were sarcastic and cynical, maybe it?s that you?re just stupid, or hormonal. I don?t know, I am not a doctor.

  134. 0 votes + -
    anon Said:

    incorrigible artsy girl is a dude. you heard it here first.

  135. +2 votes + -
    haha Said:

    Nancy, nice ripoff from NY Mag, why dont you come up with some original work (although it was hilarious)

  136. -1 votes + -
    Incorrigible artsy girl Said:

    Nope, not a guy. But thanks for the vote of confidence. Artsy people can?t be generalized quite so easily. What?s the NY Mag comment about?

  137. -1 votes + -
    PE_Playa Said:

    In private equity ”analysts” aren?t newbies out of undergrad. They?re post-mba positions that pay good bonuses. This guy is writing as an analyst at an investment bank, where you?re just out of college and your earnings are barely into the six figures.

  138. -7 votes + -
    bbqchickenrobot Said:

    The funny thing is? you left out the whole paragraph about how you *actually* got laid? Oh wait, forgive me, it?s just like high-school when you were carrying your cool new graphing calculator to class thinking how hard you were and about that nights ”pre-gaming” and ”rolling hard.” A young teen female peer notices on the high tech computational tool and makes a comment. You, cunningly, retort. Alas, just like the night club incident – she DIDN?T get it because you?re actually NOT funny. Ever tried to deduce that one? By the way, ”rolling hard” isn?t an investment banker term. It?s a hip hop and pop culture phrase. Only YOU would feel the need to explain it because only you have just heard about it? and probably because once you caught on, your ?pre-gamin? investment bankin? peers required an explanation. Tip: The rest of the world from age 5 to 45 knows that slang. And, not to break your heart, most other slang terms as well. What you seemed to forget is that money doesn?t make you the man. The man makes the money. You don?t get honeys when all you have to offer is cash. Your money gets the honey. Here?s a new slang term for you, it?s called ”user friendly.” Which is what girls see you are when you announce your self worth. hahaha Don?t get ”ganked” for your ”scrilla” my ”ninja.”

  139. +3 votes + -
    Bored Said:

    Hey, when are you going to write something new? The last post is so 2006

  140. +5 votes + -
    Analyst Said:

    This guy?s posts are funny, not least because of his insecurities. In this post as in others, he?s contrived a way to look down on non-Ivy League graduates. He also looks down on retail bankers, people who live outside Manhattan, etc. He does it in an amusing way, but there?s a huge amount of baggage there. Why the insecurity – are his parents nouveau riche? Is he short (in any dimension)? Did someone steal his girlfriend? Please enlighten us

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