Friday, July 21, 2006

Milk & I’m Money

I’ve been living in New York City for about two years now, and I think I’m really starting to come into my own here. I finally feel at home strolling the streets, winking and smiling slyly at the hotties and casually neglecting the countless homeless that seem to always approach me (more than anyone else for some reason). I hardly ever get honked at anymore while crossing the street Blackberrying. I don’t even have to tell my dry cleaner my starching preferences (medium, of course), and the bodega guy gets my fave lippers out as soon as I enter. The little things make this crazy city feel like my own cozy small town. It’s almost as if my weathered Rainbow sandals were meant for the pavement in SoHo, not the beaches of Southern California. After so long, I finally feel like I belong.

Now I won’t kid, I’ve been somewhat of a nightlife Don here for some time, but I think I’ve now really gotten myself into The Scene. I’ve always been welcomed with open arms at the Meatpacking District’s hottest weekend joints and have slayed my way through nearly all of Turtle Bay, but get this—I just got the new secret phone number to get into Milk & Honey.

For all the poor satellite workers, Milk & Honey is probably the hippest spot in New York’s Lower East Side, undeniably the hippest area in the entire universe. My friends and I have really been digging going out in that area recently. And Milk & Honey is like the climax of “being in the in.” All the real musicians and artists go there. Big-time celebs aren’t even allowed. Normally, I wouldn’t mess around with such an artsy bunch, but along with my New Yorkerization, I feel like they’ve grown to be “my people.”

And as you might guess, a place like Milk & Honey doesn’t stay so bleeding edge for so long without taking special measures. It’s managed to stay so elite because you have to know a secret number to call to get reservations before you can even go. Mmmm. How Ivy League… And guess who got the number and is going to go this weekend? Guess fuckers. Guess!

ME! I can’t tell you who gave me the number, but he’s a DJ.

I’m like the Citadel of cultural capital.

*Two days later*

So I called up the dude last night and told him me and three of my boys would be rolling through in the cut. And we did roll through in the cut, just slightly delayed. We had to drive up and down the street for like half an hour to find the place—I was expecting an awning or something, but it didn’t even have a sign. No sign! I was shaking I was so excited.

We were regally buzzed-in, pushed our way through thick curtains, and I felt like I’d been transported to the 1920s. And this was no blind pig—the dim lights, wooden booths, and warm jazz created an amazing ambiance. People chatted quietly in their own groups, the barkeep wore suspenders, and I giggled quietly to myself. “I own this town,” I thought smugly.

So me and my boys sat down and ordered some mojitos and Woodford and blood orange screwdrivers. One guy had just landed a sweet job at Warburg Pincus so that provided us with a few minutes of merry cheersing and poorly suppressed jealously. But after about half an hour of sitting 2 feet away from each other, drinking bitch drinks, and fumbling for conversation, we were all getting pretty pissed (angry).

It was becoming readily apparent that while it was quite speakeasyish and well-decorated, this place had no idea how to be fun. No one in the entire place was trying to talk to anyone else or flirting or anything. Everyone seemed perfectly content and mellow chatting amongst themselves, about what I have no freakin idea. I overheard someone say “Sartre” followed by someone else’s grunt of profound understanding, and I almost vomited in my boy’s lap. Motherfucking Smith College retards.

There was no 80’s music, no pop-reggaeton and there were no groups of people dancing in circles. What was a sweet group of dudes to do if we couldn’t jump in a dance circle of fun?

Thankfully, there was a group of cute girls at a nearby booth, and I had finished off 5 surprisingly strong $15 drinks. Feeling indestructible, I got up and walked over to the girls’ table and tapped my glass on their table gavel-style a couple times. They stared at me blankly. They were indeed kinda cute. But, sometimes it’s more about the entertainment.

“I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do,” I began the proposal. “I’ll buy you girls your next three rounds of drinks if you can guess what my friend over there does for a living” I offered grandiosely, pointing at my friend who, on cue, raised his glass high in acknowledgement. The reflection off his Harvard ring was majestic.

The girls all looked at each other awkwardly, as if hoping some sort of greater group intelligence would instruct them on how to proceed. I stood slightly bent over, supporting myself with my palms on the table, and watched them. The DUFF was apparently also the most outgoing.

“Uhm. Let me take a wild guess. He is an investment banker?!” she responded in a fantastically sardonic tone.

Learned sarcasm from all those clever little bustedtees.com t-shirts, eh? I pushed myself back with my hands, leaned back, and let out a grand guffaw.

“WRONG!” I exclaimed. “He works in Fixed Income, Currency and Commodities which actually falls outside of the Investment Banking Division!!”

And I danced over to my table and end-of-game style hi-fived all my friends. Someone punched my arm; I threw a fist back playfully. Gosh, that game never gets old.

While I was mid-boogie, the bar owner Sasha came over and pulled me aside. “Gentleman will not introduce themselves to ladies!” he scolded. “Gentleman will not introduce themselves to ladies!! It’s the rules!!” he repeated, excitedly.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard something so ridiculous in my entire life, but apparently, the “rules” are written on the wall of the bathroom. I just shook my head, put several hundos in his pocket and signaled my boys to leave with me.

Yes, indeed. Definitely starting to feel at home here.


72 comments for this post.

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  1. +1 votes + -
    21 in Duluth, MN Said:

    It is scary how many people actually read these posts and think to themselves ” yeah, im a swinging dick like this guy.” It?s satire? not real. No one cares how much money you make, where you work, or how long you have lived in your parents basement. But then again, if it weren?t for people like you, this site wouldn?t see nearly as many hits, driving the cost of advertisement down. The replies on this site are just as entertaining to read as the posts are.

  2. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    hahaha I think love you 21 in Duluth, MN

  3. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    GS for liiiiffeee ?Fixed Income, Currency and Commodities..

  4. -6 votes + -
    W.BUFFET Said:

    GS = Mediocracy?..All the Superstars Leave to HF?s.

  5. -1 votes + -
    Makin BankTill I Die Said:

    Pink Elephant and Bungalow are most definately the only place bankers (excluding non-bluge bracket retards) should be, due to their exclusivity.

  6. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you?re a lame geek and you?re 120,000 salary is not that impressive

  7. -8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is the most pathetic thing I have ever read. Being borading school and Ivy-League educated myself I would have thought that I have seen all there is to see of self-loving obnoxious verbal vomit but you take it to a whole different level. I have news for you: being the bitch of the world even if it is in the oh so prestigious financial sector does not a god make. Though good for you: you are a douche and you seem to be very proud of it!

  8. -3 votes + -
    bio Said:

    Please, people! Stop with the ”male species” and ”female species” stuff. Your ignorance is showing!

  9. +1 votes + -
    CorpLawyer Said:

    This gets more hilarious every time I read it. To see the posts though is even funnier. Some of you seem to forget that this guy is actually making fun of people who behave like this.

  10. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i?ve been to M&H, and the description given by this douche is inappropriate at best. it is quite and respectful environment. if he did not know the ambiance beforehand, then it was a mistake that he received the number in the in first place. please go back to bungalow 6 or Third & Long.

  11. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Pink Elephant and Bungalow are most definately the only place bankers (excluding non-bluge bracket retards) should be, due to their exclusivity.” ??fag

  12. -7 votes + -
    uranidiot Said:

    if you think you are money because you work in FI, C & C – you are dilusional? if you think you are in the in because you have milk & honeys number – you are a moron? bottom line is that you are a looser that doesnt realize what a common fuck he is. just because you are one of 927598729057027 people who work at a bank does not mean you know your elboa from your ass. matter of fact you have your head stuck up pretty far up yours really no one cares about your shitty life, last time i ll ever visit this site

  13. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    good burn

  14. 0 votes + -
    Pneu Pneu Said:

    yes you aer stupid

  15. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Does anyone have the number? My boyfriend and I will like to go. I know many of you guys think it sucks but I would like to check it out for myself.

  16. -4 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    I?ve never read anything more despicable in my life. You are the anti-thesis of everything I believe in. Too bad more bar-owners don?t kick out your pathetic ass.

  17. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    LOL this guy is hilarious. He is the dork in the blue shirt at the bar getting drunk and hitting on girls that I would MAYBE let give me a Blowjob and only if she asked nicely. BTW, no you don?t make 120k a year, don?t lie, no first years in NYC make that. You prob have no equity, are in debt and at the current time, unemployed and soon to be living at home.

  18. +4 votes + -
    150 Said:

    i, as well as many of my peers, made 150k first year out of school

  19. +3 votes + -
    Anon @ July 30 Said:

    Even now, in the midst of the Credit Crisis, my 1st year colleagues and I, even the mediocre ones, made $120k+.

  20. +1 votes + -
    Gordon Gekko Said:

    $150k is piss. If you?re not making $1MM+ per year, you?re nothing.

  21. +3 votes + -
    Gekko is a cum guzzling bitch Said:

    Gordon Gekko Said: ”$150k is piss. If youre not making $1MM+ per year, youre nothing.” First year out of school? Give me a break fuck-wad?. If you were twice as smart as you are now, youd still be absolutely stupid.

  22. +1 votes + -
    Warm Buffet Said:

    Oh yeah, well just earned $1M by typing this note. ZWD.

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