Friday, July 21, 2006

Milk & I’m Money

I’ve been living in New York City for about two years now, and I think I’m really starting to come into my own here. I finally feel at home strolling the streets, winking and smiling slyly at the hotties and casually neglecting the countless homeless that seem to always approach me (more than anyone else for some reason). I hardly ever get honked at anymore while crossing the street Blackberrying. I don’t even have to tell my dry cleaner my starching preferences (medium, of course), and the bodega guy gets my fave lippers out as soon as I enter. The little things make this crazy city feel like my own cozy small town. It’s almost as if my weathered Rainbow sandals were meant for the pavement in SoHo, not the beaches of Southern California. After so long, I finally feel like I belong.

Now I won’t kid, I’ve been somewhat of a nightlife Don here for some time, but I think I’ve now really gotten myself into The Scene. I’ve always been welcomed with open arms at the Meatpacking District’s hottest weekend joints and have slayed my way through nearly all of Turtle Bay, but get this—I just got the new secret phone number to get into Milk & Honey.

For all the poor satellite workers, Milk & Honey is probably the hippest spot in New York’s Lower East Side, undeniably the hippest area in the entire universe. My friends and I have really been digging going out in that area recently. And Milk & Honey is like the climax of “being in the in.” All the real musicians and artists go there. Big-time celebs aren’t even allowed. Normally, I wouldn’t mess around with such an artsy bunch, but along with my New Yorkerization, I feel like they’ve grown to be “my people.”

And as you might guess, a place like Milk & Honey doesn’t stay so bleeding edge for so long without taking special measures. It’s managed to stay so elite because you have to know a secret number to call to get reservations before you can even go. Mmmm. How Ivy League… And guess who got the number and is going to go this weekend? Guess fuckers. Guess!

ME! I can’t tell you who gave me the number, but he’s a DJ.

I’m like the Citadel of cultural capital.

*Two days later*

So I called up the dude last night and told him me and three of my boys would be rolling through in the cut. And we did roll through in the cut, just slightly delayed. We had to drive up and down the street for like half an hour to find the place—I was expecting an awning or something, but it didn’t even have a sign. No sign! I was shaking I was so excited.

We were regally buzzed-in, pushed our way through thick curtains, and I felt like I’d been transported to the 1920s. And this was no blind pig—the dim lights, wooden booths, and warm jazz created an amazing ambiance. People chatted quietly in their own groups, the barkeep wore suspenders, and I giggled quietly to myself. “I own this town,” I thought smugly.

So me and my boys sat down and ordered some mojitos and Woodford and blood orange screwdrivers. One guy had just landed a sweet job at Warburg Pincus so that provided us with a few minutes of merry cheersing and poorly suppressed jealously. But after about half an hour of sitting 2 feet away from each other, drinking bitch drinks, and fumbling for conversation, we were all getting pretty pissed (angry).

It was becoming readily apparent that while it was quite speakeasyish and well-decorated, this place had no idea how to be fun. No one in the entire place was trying to talk to anyone else or flirting or anything. Everyone seemed perfectly content and mellow chatting amongst themselves, about what I have no freakin idea. I overheard someone say “Sartre” followed by someone else’s grunt of profound understanding, and I almost vomited in my boy’s lap. Motherfucking Smith College retards.

There was no 80’s music, no pop-reggaeton and there were no groups of people dancing in circles. What was a sweet group of dudes to do if we couldn’t jump in a dance circle of fun?

Thankfully, there was a group of cute girls at a nearby booth, and I had finished off 5 surprisingly strong $15 drinks. Feeling indestructible, I got up and walked over to the girls’ table and tapped my glass on their table gavel-style a couple times. They stared at me blankly. They were indeed kinda cute. But, sometimes it’s more about the entertainment.

“I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do,” I began the proposal. “I’ll buy you girls your next three rounds of drinks if you can guess what my friend over there does for a living” I offered grandiosely, pointing at my friend who, on cue, raised his glass high in acknowledgement. The reflection off his Harvard ring was majestic.

The girls all looked at each other awkwardly, as if hoping some sort of greater group intelligence would instruct them on how to proceed. I stood slightly bent over, supporting myself with my palms on the table, and watched them. The DUFF was apparently also the most outgoing.

“Uhm. Let me take a wild guess. He is an investment banker?!” she responded in a fantastically sardonic tone.

Learned sarcasm from all those clever little t-shirts, eh? I pushed myself back with my hands, leaned back, and let out a grand guffaw.

“WRONG!” I exclaimed. “He works in Fixed Income, Currency and Commodities which actually falls outside of the Investment Banking Division!!”

And I danced over to my table and end-of-game style hi-fived all my friends. Someone punched my arm; I threw a fist back playfully. Gosh, that game never gets old.

While I was mid-boogie, the bar owner Sasha came over and pulled me aside. “Gentleman will not introduce themselves to ladies!” he scolded. “Gentleman will not introduce themselves to ladies!! It’s the rules!!” he repeated, excitedly.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard something so ridiculous in my entire life, but apparently, the “rules” are written on the wall of the bathroom. I just shook my head, put several hundos in his pocket and signaled my boys to leave with me.

Yes, indeed. Definitely starting to feel at home here.

72 comments for this post.

RSS Feed for Comments

  1. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘For all the poor satellite workers” Brilliant! -HW Cranker

  2. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this is hilarious, keep it up.

  3. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    These stories make the midnight cranking so much more enjoyable? Actually WTF am I doing in the office on a Friday night? Time to get out of here.

  4. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I love your mind, you crazy man. femalefromthewestcoast

  5. +1 votes + -
    RD Said:

    Back to the winning ways with this, great stuff ”The reflection off his Harvard ring was majestic”?loving it

  6. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Honestly, this place kind of blows. It?s not even that elite. I?m a summer analyst and I got in with my lazy-ass college buddies. We didn?t even need to drop too much money. And, just as you say, what the hell is the point of going to some ”chic” spot if you can?t even talk to the girls. This place might be worth it if you?re bringing a date, but otherwise?not worth the hype.

  7. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Haha Warburg Pincus?I?d sell my soul to the devil to work there!

  8. +3 votes + -
    Charles Janeway Said:

    Good shit man?I particularly liked the Warburg shoutout?more subtle than saying KKR or Blackstone.

  9. +4 votes + -
    Martel-Sobieski Said:

    A new low in pretentious wanker-ism. Truly pathetic. Well done.

  10. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This place blows more than my ex girlfriend, although the mojito?s are dope. Try SoHo house for a better time. Patel

  11. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The ”Citadel of cultural capital”. So good.

  12. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Why not actually have a date once in a while. Is it the sad truth that the men of finance have all of the money but none of the ”game”? Does some guy with an arty job/lifestyle have the same concerns? I?m guessing someone with that job profile probably hooks up with a different girl every week (if he is hetero)

  13. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Well done sir, but no self-respecting capitalist hangs out on the LES, too artsy and low-rent. Stick to the gold-digging meatpacking and chelsea scenes. ?T GUNS

  14. +12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This blog is like an anti-douchebagism inoculation for IBD analysts. Seriously. Reading it every once in a while reminds one what he should not be but could potentially become over time.

  15. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Im tearing up the number today.

  16. +1 votes + -
    SalesTrading>IBD Said:

    FINALLY some Fixed Income division people are, amidst sarcasm, introduced! (though hasn?t escaped FICC is only at a ?certain? Firm..;-) )

  17. -13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i dunno why you are all so stuck on goldman and morgan and all these other bulge bracket firms. the real good firms are wachovia and banc of america securities? seriously, get with the program guys.

  18. +14 votes + -
    PBateman Said:

    It?s been said before but I?ll said it again 1) this is some absolutely brilliant material 2)truth is stranger than fiction as they say; and in this case, the combination of the two makes for some great laughs 3) to all the bashers out there, get a life! The site?s called for fuck?s sake. Think about buying yourself a sense of humor with next year?s bonus!

  19. -12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you all should realize how self centered, narcissistic you all are. the fact that this site is even popular (i merely read it today because my friend told me about it) is a testament to reasons why the banking world should be destroyed and replaced by hyper intelligent robots. you demonize humanity into its most cruel form, setting society back centuries in refinement and prosperity. animals live in the zoo, but it appears they are also bankers too.

  20. +27 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    that most recent post about replacing bankers with hyper intelligent robots is in need of some critiquing: 1) no need for robots, most of us can be replaced with trained monkeys, 2) it?s called sarcasm – learn it, live it, love it, 3)the language indicates that the author is most likely of the female species, and from one girl to another – you need to develop a sense of humor so you don?t end up spending the rest of your life with a tub of ice cream in hand, 2 gay best friends and a closet full of bridesmaid dresses. this whole site is composed of satire, aside from some posters who really could be replaced by trained monkeys and need to get over themselves, because like you they have no sense of humor and take what is said literally, only they legitamize the stereotypes while you condescend to them. and as a response to the entry – funny and mostly true, it is a good end of the night date place though, and the drinks are well made

  21. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    *sniff* *sniff*?what?s that I smell? The seething anger of an accountant? At least he recognizes that it would take at minimum ”hyper intelligent” robots to replace bankers.

  22. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    to the girl who posted this? ”that most recent post about replacing bankers with hyper intelligent robots is in need of some critiquing: 1) no need for robots?.” may I have your phone number? perhaps take you out to a nice dinner? marry you?

  23. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i agree. rarely do I come across a woman with such brazen truthfulness and a sense of humor. i love it when women talk shit to eachother. there is something oddly sexy about it. on a related note: ibankers aren?t all that bad (come on, even I used to be one). do I dare say that they are smarter than the avg Joe? Sure, a lot of what they do is monkey work ( comes to mind), but that doesn?t mean they aren?t ”smart.” Most of them leave iBanking after a few years and get jobs in PE / HF or Corp Fin. or join the peace corps. i love this site.

  24. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    LOL Sometimes the comments are the best part! I love the ”try soho house for a better time” like it?s actually a serious recommendation. That?s even funnier! Thanks for the tip, skippy! LOL

  25. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Douche! Douche!

  26. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I hate bankers. They are the scum of the earth ? they sleep with innocent, sweet women and never follow up. Such jerks!!! Why are you all horrible human beings?

  27. +16 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I have been working in finance for two years now (for one of the big banks on Wall St.) on both sides of the Atlantic, and I made an interesting observation. All this immature look-at-me posturing seems to be limited to the US. Bankers in Europe tend to be much more decent, understated and tasteful people. It seems to be a result of the jock culture promoted at US universities, which turn out lots of loud, obnoxious and arrogant guys. This being said, I know many decent Harvard graduates. It?s just that, as they say, 99% of them give the rest a bad name.

  28. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To the poster above – I think it also depends on the quality of the firm. It seems that smaller and less prestigious banks tend to be ”jockier”, at least from my cursory observations this summer. I don?t know if it?s due to the smaller banks? complexes or due to the fact that they need more aggressive, football-player-type people to be able to succeed and will adjust their hiring accordingly. People at bulge brackets seem to be surprisingly normal.

  29. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

  30. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  31. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    LOL, for some strange reason I decided to check out martel?s blog, figuring if he felt entitled to criticize this amusing, popular site then his must be somewhat interesting. To my surprise, I found not a single comment left on any of his posts. Way to stay relevant buddy, keep putting the good word out there. Note: talking to yourself is weird, even in cyberspace.

  32. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    212-625-3397. terrible scene. tinier than my ex boyfriends penis. good cock-tails. moronic staff. enjoy!

  33. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    to the guy who posted this ”may I have your phone number? perhaps take you out to a nice dinner? marry you?” ?> maybe we should go to milk and honey?i hear it?s really awesome. and to the guy who thinks i am an accountant?.nice try, but i never have been and never will be. and yes, girls can be i-bankers too, not just robots and monkeys (and insecure pricks).

  34. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    How exclusive can the place be? It has a web site. BFD.

  35. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    most bankers all around the world are calm, reserved people. They?re math nerds. LSO is just banking porn! Get over it if it bothers you, just enjoy the joke. The writer is a good enough writer, thank god

  36. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    let?s meet at marquee. you?ll know its me by the mini roof raise I do as I walk in. be there this friday ? bring hot friends for my boys. looking forward to amazing banker love. dan

  37. -1 votes + -
    Andy W Said:

    ver nice, liked the post

  38. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Hahaha, I love how NYers are so ballsy when it comes to talking to women especially in the banking industry.

  39. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    that?s because banker chicks are the best ? great lovers, great personalities, and totally secure about themselves. every guy wants a banker chick. tj hooker

  40. +10 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    How the New York night scene works: The place is cool – inhabited by models, actors, other people connected to the fashion industry. The place becomes slightly less cool – inhabited by those who work in advertising and PR. The place becomes New York Great -young rich socialites and slightly too old gay men start frequenting. At this point the place is forced to hire A list promoters. The cusp – Place appears in Page Six. The Place then becomes The Place to Be – Bankers, Brokers, and other assorted finance guys show up followed by the finance females. Promoters start begging to be allowed to promote the place; experienced bartenders start looking for new place to work. The Place is not really cool at all but everyone there tries to pretend it is – The rest of the upper east side, NESCAC, and as of recently east village show up. The Place tries to make a comeback – promoters leave, owners try to get NYU promoters to bring in ”edgy.” Guys in Turnbull & Asser look down smugly on guys in Pink who look down on guys in Club Monaco who have no idea how to look at guys in ice cream? The Place is DOA – Jersey, SI, LI, and your crazy friend from college show up. Owner makes a ton of money but starts figuring out how to turn space into hip restaurant. Place Over – Place refurbished, renamed and starts at step one. So what?s Milk & Honey called now?

  41. -2 votes + -
    Bob Neer Said:

    Tragic that M&H already has to pay pseudo-bloggers to hack for them.

  42. -2 votes + -
    shane915 Said:

    cheers to all the bankers out there with fave lippers and faded rainbows

  43. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    sometimes places can remain underground ehhh

  44. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    can you imagine? people like you are only worth money go hang yourself

  45. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You are such a loser.

  46. +3 votes + -
    anon Said:

    You are a loser.

  47. 0 votes + -
    anon Said:

    who wears (or even owns) a college ring?

  48. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  49. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    it is not true

  50. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  51. +1 votes + -
    21 in Duluth, MN Said:

    It is scary how many people actually read these posts and think to themselves ” yeah, im a swinging dick like this guy.” It?s satire? not real. No one cares how much money you make, where you work, or how long you have lived in your parents basement. But then again, if it weren?t for people like you, this site wouldn?t see nearly as many hits, driving the cost of advertisement down. The replies on this site are just as entertaining to read as the posts are.

  52. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    hahaha I think love you 21 in Duluth, MN

  53. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    GS for liiiiffeee ?Fixed Income, Currency and Commodities..

  54. -6 votes + -
    W.BUFFET Said:

    GS = Mediocracy?..All the Superstars Leave to HF?s.

  55. -1 votes + -
    Makin BankTill I Die Said:

    Pink Elephant and Bungalow are most definately the only place bankers (excluding non-bluge bracket retards) should be, due to their exclusivity.

  56. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you?re a lame geek and you?re 120,000 salary is not that impressive

  57. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is the most pathetic thing I have ever read. Being borading school and Ivy-League educated myself I would have thought that I have seen all there is to see of self-loving obnoxious verbal vomit but you take it to a whole different level. I have news for you: being the bitch of the world even if it is in the oh so prestigious financial sector does not a god make. Though good for you: you are a douche and you seem to be very proud of it!

  58. -3 votes + -
    bio Said:

    Please, people! Stop with the ”male species” and ”female species” stuff. Your ignorance is showing!

  59. +1 votes + -
    CorpLawyer Said:

    This gets more hilarious every time I read it. To see the posts though is even funnier. Some of you seem to forget that this guy is actually making fun of people who behave like this.

  60. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i?ve been to M&H, and the description given by this douche is inappropriate at best. it is quite and respectful environment. if he did not know the ambiance beforehand, then it was a mistake that he received the number in the in first place. please go back to bungalow 6 or Third & Long.

  61. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Pink Elephant and Bungalow are most definately the only place bankers (excluding non-bluge bracket retards) should be, due to their exclusivity.” ??fag

  62. -7 votes + -
    uranidiot Said:

    if you think you are money because you work in FI, C & C – you are dilusional? if you think you are in the in because you have milk & honeys number – you are a moron? bottom line is that you are a looser that doesnt realize what a common fuck he is. just because you are one of 927598729057027 people who work at a bank does not mean you know your elboa from your ass. matter of fact you have your head stuck up pretty far up yours really no one cares about your shitty life, last time i ll ever visit this site

  63. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    good burn

  64. 0 votes + -
    Pneu Pneu Said:

    yes you aer stupid

  65. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Does anyone have the number? My boyfriend and I will like to go. I know many of you guys think it sucks but I would like to check it out for myself.

  66. -4 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    I?ve never read anything more despicable in my life. You are the anti-thesis of everything I believe in. Too bad more bar-owners don?t kick out your pathetic ass.

  67. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    LOL this guy is hilarious. He is the dork in the blue shirt at the bar getting drunk and hitting on girls that I would MAYBE let give me a Blowjob and only if she asked nicely. BTW, no you don?t make 120k a year, don?t lie, no first years in NYC make that. You prob have no equity, are in debt and at the current time, unemployed and soon to be living at home.

  68. +4 votes + -
    150 Said:

    i, as well as many of my peers, made 150k first year out of school

  69. +3 votes + -
    Anon @ July 30 Said:

    Even now, in the midst of the Credit Crisis, my 1st year colleagues and I, even the mediocre ones, made $120k+.

  70. +1 votes + -
    Gordon Gekko Said:

    $150k is piss. If you?re not making $1MM+ per year, you?re nothing.

  71. +3 votes + -
    Gekko is a cum guzzling bitch Said:

    Gordon Gekko Said: ”$150k is piss. If youre not making $1MM+ per year, youre nothing.” First year out of school? Give me a break fuck-wad?. If you were twice as smart as you are now, youd still be absolutely stupid.

  72. 0 votes + -
    Warm Buffet Said:

    Oh yeah, well just earned $1M by typing this note. ZWD.

Leave a Comment

Copyright Leveraged Sellout, LLC.