Sunday, May 7, 2006

HOW TO: Get a Banker Chick (for the non-banker guy)

The female banker is an odd yet intriguing creature. She works 80-100 hour weeks, perpetually talks likes she’s job interviewing, and is obsessed with fashion magazines and teeny-bopper television shows. But, despite her eye-gouge-inducing personality and conformist tastes, she has many attractive qualities. She is rich, usually quite attractive or at least has an eating disorder, and has very few available hours with which to cling and bitch and nag. Quite ideal, no?

So what can you do to pierce the incestuous bubble of Wall Street, you ask? What can you do to get one of these chicks to give you a ride in a black car instead of you having to convince Mr. Singh to let you share a cab with 8 of your friends? Check it.

Where to Find Them

Banker chicks are almost always hanging out in one of a few, crowded, Best-of-Sheckys type spots. People in finance are either not concerned with hipness or are just really delusional, no one knows. Regardless, follow the long lines and shitty music, and you’ll find yourself flanked by Fulton Street foxes.

Go To:

  1. Shitty bars in Murray Hill/Turtle Bay (Joshua Tree (innovatively petnamed “J-Tree”), Sutton Place, Bar 12 , etc.).
    1. Thought process: “Oooh, 80’s music…”

  1. Clubs/lounges that were hip several years ago (PM, Marquee, APT, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “How elite!”
  1. “Accessible” Village/LES spots (Le Souk, B-Bar, Fiddlesticks, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “Let’s go slummin’”
  1. Frattastic bars in the UES (Brother Jimmy’s, Tin Lizzies, The Big Easy, Dorian’s, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “It’s right next door.”
  1. Equinox.
    1. Thought process: “Must fuck MD.”

How to Act

Girls in banking are like wilted flowers. They were once vibrant, intelligent, and full of energy. They once dominated their peers in school and were part of the most elite social circles. Now, they are drones devoid of self-confidence and social nothings. This, while tragic, is a very favorable turn of events for you. Flex your own security while making them feel good about their sorry existences, and the Thomas Pink panties will be all yours.

Tips:

  1. DO NOT: Talk about Finance. These girls don’t know/care about their jobs or that you read Freakonomics and thought it was neat.
  2. DO NOT: Try to pretend like you’re in finance. Said chicks are surrounded by the witless monkeys all day long. Anything in the universe is more interesting than being in finance (except the service industry, NEVER say you’re in the service industry).
  3. DO: Make sure to say you’re successful at what you say you do. “Struggling,” or “Just getting started,” or “Having a great internship at a design studio” is not going to cut it up in this shit.
  4. DO NOT: EVER mention Brooklyn. Despite how much social currency your loft off the Bedford L might afford you elsewhere, this is strongly discouraged. Mr. Shpigelman’s living there did not make it any more acceptable; even an entire brownstone in Brooklyn Heights doesn’t mean diddly to these ladies.

And if none of these things works, just try putting up an ad for their dream job on Craigslist:

Associate Brand Strategist for Major Fashion Company


Reply to:

Date: 2006-04-04, 11:25PM EDT

Looking for a hard-working, slim, energetic female to come on board in the brand strategy group for a large fashion conglomerate (think Ralph Lauren, LV, etc.). In need of a real go-getter to get up to speed quickly. Must have both strong quantitative/analytical and creative skills. Experience in investment banking, strategy consulting required.

Call at .

Job location is MANHATTAN

no — Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
no — Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
no — Commercial bankers is NOT OK
no — PATH Riders is NOT OK
no — Swaying back and forth instead of grinding on the dance floor is NOT OK (flexible on this one)
no — Going to dinner with me and then just trying to cuddle all night is NOT OK
no — Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

That should get the attention of the girls you’re looking for.

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132 comments for this post.

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  1. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    whothefuckreallycares, ”?I know that many people hear advertising and think stupid taint, so I just wanted to through it out there. ” You had it all together until the retarded typo. thank you for confirming my belief about your profession.

  2. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Listen, everything that has been said about IB has both truths and non-truths. I?ve been in IB for sometime now and if your really want to know why Ib girls are attractive hot is because they have not been been truly molded into IB life. Ex. first year law students from a top tier school does not in fact look the same upon grad. then when entering. Look, turn over is huge in IB for most male and female. You essentialy have no personality in IB becasue you have an identity crisis. The truth of IB is that you sit stearing at an excel spread sheet for the first year entering data and then pretending to be a part of a big deal. That?s not hard work, its just long and boring. Work in privet wealth management prospecting for twelve hours staight and I?ll show you ugly. The truth you cater to those who are real players who will never take seriuosly. And as far as the money in concerned. If you put in 80-100 hours a week in any real profession you?ll come out ahead. If you want smart intelligent girls who are hot and have the personlity to boot, wait for the IB girl to finally drop out of the buisness, chances are it will happen.

  3. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the private equity, ibanking and any finance related jobs are all SERVICE jobs. we all work in the service industry. i?m employee of the month

  4. 0 votes + -
    Emily Said:

    So how does a pretty Southern gal hook up with a banker dude?

  5. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    if you don?t care which bank: 1. go to joshua tree 2. go to sutton place if you want blackstone, GS, MS, or any other real bank: 1. join the junior league 2. join the colony club

  6. -1 votes + -
    Amanda H Said:

    which part of the South are you from? I may be able to give you some pointers.

  7. -2 votes + -
    Emily Said:

    I am from the Deep South, a small town in Texas called Beaumont.

  8. -1 votes + -
    Emily Said:

    By the way, what sort of girls do bankers dig? Is it brains, beauty, or do they rely on good ol? chemistry?

  9. +2 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    Bankers like girls who love bankers.

  10. +8 votes + -
    wet charlotte Said:

    a friend sent me this site and i got wet the minute i red your power talk. someone please give it to me

  11. -1 votes + -
    Girl Said:

    So, what kind of girls do bankers really like?

  12. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    nice size ass

  13. -1 votes + -
    Now in Houston Said:

    Emily, Isn?t Beaumont relatively close to Houston?

  14. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Its in Texas How far can it be dumm ass ?now in Huston?

  15. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Its in Texas how far can it be you Dumm Ass ?> ?Now in Houston?

  16. +1 votes + -
    AnonymousTX Said:

    ‘it?s in TX how far can it be dumm ass” ?> wtf Anonymous? when?s the last time you looked at a map? you could drive through every state in the northwest in the time it would take to get through Texas. Incidentally, however, Beaumont is near Houston.

  17. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Txn Said:

    first of all, thank god someone delivered a smackdown to anonymous? ignorance of geography. wow. second, emily from the ”deep south”? puhleeze. I?m a Texan, and let?s all be damn clear about the fact that we ”ain?t deep south”. we don?t have the accent or culture of an actual deep south state like Mississippi or Alabama. I know they get all the attention, what with their long blond locks and mimosas, and maybe you hope a yank won?t notice your lack of a true southern accent. are you a blond though (who are we kidding, of course you are), cuz you might be able to swing it. p.s. lawyer chicks are way sexier than banker chicks. we go for the POWER whereas bankers go for the money. plus, we can do their jobs and they can?t do ours. says something.

  18. 0 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    Any advice for 1st tier banker dudes wanting to snag a banker chick? I?m an analyst on the transportation finance desk at Suntrust. Though I work in Nashville, I?m traveling to NY on business and would like to meet a female banker. I think my prestige alone would be a great asset.

  19. 0 votes + -
    honky Said:

    stupid honkies

  20. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To Lumbergh: Nashville is awesome, why do you want to fuck the ugly workaholic NYC IB bitches instead of those gorgeous southern ladies? The girls at Vandy should be smart enough for you if you value intelligence in addition to looks? I had a choice between IB and PE firms in NYC, SF, Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston, Atlanta, and Nashville?and I chose Nashville because you can?t beat the cost of living and the ridiculous amount of hotties there (plus I?ll still make NYC bankers salary and only work 60 hours/week, haha suckers!!!!)

  21. +5 votes + -
    Deutsch Banker Said:

    hahaha, this is the most ridiculous post I?ve seen on this otherwise prestigious site. NASHVILLE??? What kind of IB??? is there in Nashville? But I guess thats the place to be for a retail banker who values fat and stupid southern ladies???.

  22. +6 votes + -
    For dogg pound gangsta Said:

    Yeah yeah its all about alaska baby – the hoes here wear about 8 layers each – mittens balaclavas the works..soooo hot. and my bonus this year is gonna be like 10 tons of whale blubber. Wall st is dead its all about Alaska dumb faggots.

  23. +1 votes + -
    NY IBanker Said:

    SunTrust transportation finance

  24. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Keep on looking for some sort of validation to your petty little lives.

  25. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wow, reminds me of noe or two exes? And since neither of them even lived in the US, that means banker chicks are pretty much the same across different continents. Cool. (or not)

  26. -1 votes + -
    HFTrader Said:

    hahaha, this is pathetic. Fuck all you IB fools! Everyone knows that hedge fund traders get all the hot ass?.

  27. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wow. Your lives seem shallow and terrible. I?m once again glad I chose to be a doctor. I?ve only starting working for 2 years, 50hr/w, make more than 700,000, actually contribute to society, and am happy. You guys should have been smarter.

  28. +2 votes + -
    Name (Anonymous ok) Said:

    Tap her on the shoulder with your pants down?works all the time every time

  29. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Banker chick = quite attractive? Ahahahahaha! I guess for witless banker guys who can only get laid when they and everyone around them are wasted out of their mind, yeah, they are attractive. But to real men, a cute girl at a bank is someone who they would not even look at twice outside the bank. Hilarious

  30. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    If all banker guys want are girls who love bankers, you gotta go for the BO/MO broads who are clearly just in it to win it?and by win it, I mean, get some ass from a banker.

  31. 0 votes + -
    Private Equity Health Care Said:

    Yo Doctor! Wait till us P/E guys get our hands on your health care cash flow?.Soon, your Doctor Base will be p0wned!

  32. 0 votes + -
    BS Said:

    Getting a banker chick is easy, undoubtedly on the one night a week she has off, she’ll be out getting bat-faced with her friends, this is when you strike as she’s away from her chair of death in the office and at her most vulnerable, she know’s it’s the only night a week she has the chance to meet a man who isn’t a self-obsessed knob who has nothing about him other than his job at Goldmans. Make eye contact, have a casual chat, don’t sound too impressed by what she does for a living, talk about hobbies, friends, blah blah blah… when she inevitably tells you she’s lost her friends and her phone is out of battery (obviously her iphone is but it’s a given that her blackberry will be fully charged incase she has to respond to emails at 3am in a club toilet) offer to take her home for a “cup of tea and a cuddle”, then you can work on getting those Thomas Pinks off. If you should be successful then boom, emotional attachment incoming and banker girlfriend ensues. Worked for me.

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