Random Reader Reaction

The female banker is an odd yet intriguing creature. She works 80-100 hour weeks, perpetually talks likes she’s job interviewing, and is obsessed with fashion magazines and teeny-bopper television shows. But, despite her eye-gouge-inducing personality and conformist tastes, she has many attractive qualities. She is rich, usually quite attractive or at least has an eating disorder, and has very few available hours with which to cling and bitch and nag. Quite ideal, no?

So what can you do to pierce the incestuous bubble of Wall Street, you ask? What can you do to get one of these chicks to give you a ride in a black car instead of you having to convince Mr. Singh to let you share a cab with 8 of your friends? Check it.

Where to Find Them

Banker chicks are almost always hanging out in one of a few, crowded, Best-of-Sheckys type spots. People in finance are either not concerned with hipness or are just really delusional, no one knows. Regardless, follow the long lines and shitty music, and you’ll find yourself flanked by Fulton Street foxes.

Go To:

1. Shitty bars in Murray Hill/Turtle Bay (Joshua Tree (innovatively petnamed “J-Tree”), Sutton Place, Bar 12 , etc.).
1. Thought process: “Oooh, 80’s music…”

1. Clubs/lounges that were hip several years ago (PM, Marquee, APT, etc.).
1. Thought process: “How elite!”

1. “Accessible” Village/LES spots (Le Souk, B-Bar, Fiddlesticks, etc.).
1. Thought process: “Let’s go slummin’”

1. Frattastic bars in the UES (Brother Jimmy’s, Tin Lizzies, The Big Easy, Dorian’s, etc.).
1. Thought process: “It’s right next door.”

1. Equinox.
1. Thought process: “Must fuck MD.”

How to Act

Girls in banking are like wilted flowers. They were once vibrant, intelligent, and full of energy. They once dominated their peers in school and were part of the most elite social circles. Now, they are drones devoid of self-confidence and social nothings. This, while tragic, is a very favorable turn of events for you. Flex your own security while making them feel good about their sorry existences, and the Thomas Pink panties will be all yours.

Tips:

1. DO NOT: Talk about Finance. These girls don’t know/care about their jobs or that you read Freakonomics and thought it was neat.
2. DO NOT: Try to pretend like you’re in finance. Said chicks are surrounded by the witless monkeys all day long. Anything in the universe is more interesting than being in finance (except the service industry, NEVER say you’re in the service industry).
3. DO: Make sure to say you’re successful at what you say you do. “Struggling,” or “Just getting started,” or “Having a great internship at a design studio” is not going to cut it up in this shit.
4. DO NOT: EVER mention Brooklyn. Despite how much social currency your loft off the Bedford L might afford you elsewhere, this is strongly discouraged. Mr. Shpigelman’s living there did not make it any more acceptable; even an entire brownstone in Brooklyn Heights doesn’t mean diddly to these ladies.

And if none of these things works, just try putting up an ad for their dream job on Craigslist:

Associate Brand Strategist for Major Fashion Company

Reply to:

Date: 2006-04-04, 11:25PM EDT

Looking for a hard-working, slim, energetic female to come on board in the brand strategy group for a large fashion conglomerate (think Ralph Lauren, LV, etc.). In need of a real go-getter to get up to speed quickly. Must have both strong quantitative/analytical and creative skills. Experience in investment banking, strategy consulting required.

Call at .

Job location is MANHATTAN

no — Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
no — Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
no — Commercial bankers is NOT OK
no — PATH Riders is NOT OK
no — Swaying back and forth instead of grinding on the dance floor is NOT OK (flexible on this one)
no — Going to dinner with me and then just trying to cuddle all night is NOT OK
no — Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

That should get the attention of the girls you’re looking for.

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