Friday, April 7, 2006

Bottle Service

As a kid, the sign of the forthcoming weekend came to me in the form of Stephanie Tanner. She would appear on the television, and the young herald’s gentle hair tossings would wash away a week’s worth of 5th grader stress and promise me two days of freedom. Now, the harbinger comes to me in the form of an afternoon email from one of my boys:

From: Dan Friedberg (IBD) []
To:,, Merriweather, Chip (IBD) [], Quincy Ludmiller III (IBK),
Subject: Tonight.

Bottle Service at Marquee?

TGIF! And I still get just as aroused. I immediately respond:

To: Dan Friedberg (IBD) [],, Merriweather, Chip (IBD) [], Quincy Ludmiller III (IBK),

Subject: Re: Tonight.

Down like syndrome, sons.

I click send and push off of my ergonomic foot pillow with the balls of my feet and lean back, sinking deep into sweet Aeron mesh bliss. I cherish the moment, closing my eyes letting my mind rest for the first time in what feels like days (and literally might be). I am officially incapable of concentrating or doing anything productive from this point on. Good thing I’ll still be at work for 5 more hours until around 10:30.

I spend the rest of the day/night fantasizing about the night to come. My eyes glaze over as I stare at my screen. Long strings of Excel cells remind me of lines as long as those at the new Trader Joe’s and my days as an intern when I used to wait in them in front of nightclubs, futilely trying to pair up with groups of girls and bribe greedy bouncers.

Fortunately, the scene quickly changes, and I see my current self in slow-mo, winking and hand-gunning a Long Island meathead and his broke-ass JAP girlfriend as I pass them, rolling 8 dudes deep into Marquee. Thank the Lord for bottle service! I picture my entrance, an expectant glance around and a quick pinch of the nose still slightly numb from awkwardly keycardbumping (on my 3rd one, it really messes up the magnetic strip) in the cab over. “IBD in da house!!” I shout and do a mini-roof-raise.

I slip out of the dream briefly and attempt to regroup and do some work, but the musing quickly resumes as the screen’s cells now start turning orange and magenta and begin bouncing around psychedelically. They dance about the worksheet merrily and begin coming together, forming two pixilated vase shapes…carafes. Just thinking the word “carafe” makes me giddy. My mind starts to see 2 sweaty, curvaceous pitchers being brought over to our table and placed on a pure white napkin. I relish the innovative glass layout, a fan of the triangle surrounding the ice bucket, but pleased with stoic “M” formation.

After the hostess pours our first round, I can even hear the subtle clink as our section is velvet-roped off by our personal bouncer and the not so subtle clink as my boys and I cheers: “To Banking and Bitches.” I delight in the smiles of my buddies and notice one is still displaying his work building badge. “Will that help with the hoo-ha’s?” I ponder the briefly. Peacocking or negligence? I decide it most certainly will help either way. I chug down half my drink and am officially amped—nothing is as exhilarating as pumping a body that has been virtually immobile for 70 hours full of drugs and alcohol and letting it loose on a roomful of money hungry psuedostars. Someone get a camera and put this shit up on—this is the real NYC nightlife.

The reverie plays itself out in a movie-style montage with Eminem and Nate Dogg’s “Till I Collapse” as the soundtrack: I drink 6 Ketel-cranberries; I grind awkwardly with 3 high school seniors (who claim to be 22, of course); and I tell three of my friends to pick up a few shares of CSC (eat my ass Sarbanes-Oxley).

When I finally get shaken conscious by a fellow analyst, I still have a huge grin on my face as I awake. I find out we’ve sufficiently face-timed and pry myself out from underneath my keyboard tray, do a quick downward facing dog, and shake it out. I roll, ready to live out what I’ve been dreaming about all day and all my life…unless my MD calls or emails, of course.

75 comments for this post.

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  1. +2 votes + -
    PBateman Said:

    This shit is fantastic. ”IBD in da house!!!” Keep the laughs coming!

  2. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Ha! Know the drill man.

  3. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keycard bumps?love it.

  4. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this is better than any of that crap on dealbreaker

  5. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    excellent post, very entertaining.

  6. -2 votes + -
    Solomon Grundy Said:

    Dude, you got linked on Gawker and you still have up the work email addresses of you and your ”boyz”? Brave.

  7. -1 votes + -
    damienhasselhoff Said:

    Is this a joke?

  8. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    HA! even that meathead from LI isn?t this dumb?.but hey maybe he can get you a construction job. raise the roof bitches!

  9. -8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    If you still have a job by the end of the week I?ll be shocked. I?ll bet you?ve waited your whole life to feel cool? it?s too bad you?re actually still a collosal tool.

  10. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Oh God. So sad. And that?s why I?ll never be in banking.

  11. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am Sooo glad I?m not 25.

  12. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the lease you could do is spell ”douche” right. what do they teach you in the ivy league other than how to get money from pops

  13. +29 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Fantastic! People actually believe that it?s really your email address and your colleagues. The lack of intelligence of such people can only be measured by ”i”, the imaginary number.

  14. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    It?s amazing that people want to criticize ivy leaguers / bankers so much that they believe these stories are true. It?s a joke you f?ing retards, and it?s funnier cause you believe it.

  15. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    It?s amazing that people want to criticize ivy leaguers / bankers so much that they believe these stories are true. It?s a joke you f?ing retards, and it?s funnier cause you believe it.

  16. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    It amazes me that with every new post comes some new moron? ”you post your real address?” See your hair moving? Its because the tongue-in-cheek humor of this site just completely flew over your fucking head. Idiots, jesus.

  17. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i just wish marquee was still the hot spot ?

  18. -6 votes + -
    -t- Said:

    I?m praying its a joke, cause if it?s not I?m one step closer to throwing myself out of the window to prevent what I fear I may become if I continue in this industry.

  19. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keep up the good work. the comments are almost as hilarious as the writing.

  20. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This must be a joke. Otherwise this guy is the world?s biggest twat.

  21. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Jeff – I can?t believe you sold me out like this. The head of MS compliance just left me an urgent vmail. Her name is Soo-Mi and she sounded pissed (not kidding). -Dan And seriously – next time we?re getting the magnum of goose, that ketel sh-t is for first-years.

  22. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Dan – fo? sheezy. I actually hooked up with Soo Mi at our last office event and she is just mad I didn?t call her the next day. She?s crazy, man. Just hook her up with a keybump and she?ll be set. Jeff ps: I?m down with the Goose, unless you want to hit the Belve.

  23. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    new to the site, checked out all your previous posts, kudos, you got me laughing my ass off, you?re a funny little f**cker, obviously you paid attention in Creative Writing 101. Keep up the great work, I look forward to your next adventure?.

  24. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What is this? A D-level mockery of something D-Nasty might have written? Keep banking

  25. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Agreed. The comments are almost better than the blog itself, almost. As far as taste goes, K1 holds it?s own vs. the Goose/Belve in my book. Unless you?re just going for the image. Might as well order a bottle of f?in Cristal then . . .

  26. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This truly is the funniest shit I have ever read. Never stop writing! As the tools who continue to fail to realise this is satire, keep that shit coming too.

  27. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the site is called ”leveragedsellout”, fer chrissake

  28. -3 votes + -
    idonothingallday Said:

    i dont get the fucking appeal of coke. makes you feel like ass the next day and a twitchy mess with a runny nose who just can?t shut the fuck up whle on it.. plus since its cut with laxatives it more often then not either forces you to take a huge dump or spend the night constipated cause yourtoo embarrassed to break ass in the girls apartment or at the club. i?ll take some quality tequilla and a few hits of kind bud over that white stuff anyday

  29. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Previous poster has diarrhea on the mind. I recommend 1) prune juice 2) to not be retarded and make posts like that

  30. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    someone explain keycard bumping to me?

  31. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i think keycard bumping is like a chest high-five?except you bump keycards but i?m just a consultant who works in iowa

  32. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘What is keycard bumping?” You are obviously a wannabe summer intern.

  33. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  34. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  35. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    hahah this is awesome. and for the haters who post, you are ALL HOMOSEXUALS

  36. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    once again – feel free to make it as ambiguous as you want as to whether or not this is a real journal. it?s hilarious seeing all the people that don?t realize, and it will only contribute to your popularity.

  37. -18 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I have to say that banking is cool as shit. I?m still in college and I have many friends in the business. for all the people who posted shit against it, it?s probably because you got fired and are bitter because you?re either not smart or good looking enough to be in the biz. consultant from iowa? get the f^ck outta here. anyone else who posts some shit is jealous because they?ve never used their job as a pickup line. they?ve never been rich enough to live in the city (that?s manhattan for all you dumb bastards who live elsewhere). I?ve lived here all my life. I dare anyone to make another f^cking negative comment because frankly, anybody who doesn?t live here or have the sack to make it can kiss my rich ass. honestly, you probably already work for me. ”The richest one percent ownes half our countries wealth.” Gordon Gekko Go back to coaching your brother?s little leauge games, maybe he?ll make it big. In the meantime, go have a kid with your sister you unemployable sh!t.

  38. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    keycard bumping is ripping some lines of that sweet sweet yayo (cocaine) off your keycard.

  39. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    it would be funny as hell if this guy inserted real people?s names and addresses into his stories. wouldn?t they be surprised!

  40. -2 votes + -
    WC Said:

    Yeah, sure – but where has that ice been before it showed up cradling the bottle? $5 goes to the man who eats a piece.

  41. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    It?s good to know that 80% of the people reading your blog don?t understand the true comedic value. FWIW, the ?mini-roof-raise? had several people at my office in tears.

  42. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To the college kid who posted, all I can say is, get ready to take it like a champ ? you?ll be working weekends while I?m off partying in the Hamptons. PE 4 LIFE!

  43. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What exactly is a mini-roof-raise?

  44. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Down like syndrome, sons.” So brilliant it hurts.

  45. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Ur senses r lit up like a x-mas tree, u scan the plains of the serengeti slowly? coming out of ur blink, almost transported, u focus on the light lasers from the crystal ball in club YY, the redolensce seduces u..its time

  46. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    EWww?who actually still goes to Marquee???

  47. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Nicht schlecht, was ihr da in Neu-York auffuehrt. In Berlin sind Koks-Parties auch nicht anders.

  48. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is how we do up here in Canada boyz?pimpin that shit every weekend

  49. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is how we do up here in the T-dot every weekend?love this shit

  50. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To that college kid who posted – You have no f-ing clue what life is actually about. And I quote, ”dare anyone to make another f^cking negative comment.” Who the f*ck do you think you are you little shi*. Graduate from college, live a few years in the real world, then maybe you can run off your mouth. Yeah this blog?s a joke, but I?m just looking forward when you come work for me at downtown and I make you my bitc*. Thanks and kind regards.

  51. +4 votes + -
    scornography Said:

    A keycard isn?t the only office accessory that can help you consume cocaine in a pinch. Momentary liquidity shortage? A miniature post-it note handily rolls up ? and even secures, self-adhesively ? providing an easy stand-in for a missing dollar bill.

  52. -1 votes + -
    skeedaddy Said:

    don?t bankers use $100 bills?

  53. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Those with a brain swap Adderall and Modafinil (or its precursor), on a monthly cycle. They don?t use coke. Of course what do I know, I only scored 1340 on my SAT.

  54. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Marquee is so 2003 bro. if you and your boys are gonna drop dough for bottles, at least pick the right party. rookie

  55. 0 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    ‘Those with a brain swap Adderall and Modafinil (or its precursor), on a monthly cycle. They dont use coke. Of course what do I know, I only scored 1340 on my SAT. ” Whoever posted that is the biggest tool on this whole page?

  56. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Those with a brain swap Adderall and Modafinil (or its precursor), on a monthly cycle. They dont use coke. Of course what do I know, I only scored 1340 on my SAT. ” Can?t tell if this person is being arrogant or self-deprecating. I hope to god it?s the latter. 1340? Seriously? Who?s proud of that? I would speculate that you went to Cornell?at best.

  57. -3 votes + -
    You guys aren't real Said:

    I?m a banker and you guys are full of shit? Most bankers are snot dripping desk slaves who fear the sun and are more scared of girls than they are of their MDs. Those are real banker?.you?re thinking of white rappers?

  58. -3 votes + -
    Penn2Goldman Said:

    Who cares if he got 1340. A guy from Univ Denver was in my class and just landed TPG.

  59. -10 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What is TPG?

  60. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    real bankers fear the sun and scared of girls? not here. damn. i feel sorry for you..seriously

  61. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    1340? haha are you joking? and i thought my 1460 was sub-par? Those with a brain can do better than a 600 on the verbal buddy.

  62. 0 votes + -
    John Said:

    Gotta love the bridge and tunnel

  63. -2 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    you?re a goddamn loser!!!!

  64. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    re: -3 votes + -Anonymous Said: September 13th, 2006 at 12:15 pm What is TPG? TPG is Texas Pacific Group. It is a private equity firm.

  65. -1 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Your 1460 is subpar, biznatch, don?t you know it!

  66. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I got a 1540 and turned down basically every ivy league because they dont give any kind of merit based scholarship. Instead, i went to a state school, took their money, invested it, got in on the riverbed IPO in sept with 6 figures and lets say, dont give a shit

  67. +3 votes + -
    Re: Riverbed Said:

    ‘I got a 1540 and turned down basically every ivy league because they dont give any kind of merit based scholarship. Instead, i went to a state school, took their money, invested it, got in on the riverbed IPO in sept with 6 figures and lets say, dont give a shit” I?m sure your father is really proud of you, and will tell you so when you finally meet after a paternity test on Maury. Why is it that you poors take so much pride in turning down prestige for a scholarship-funded degree from a public school? Back to the trailer park, plebe.

  68. +1 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    1540 boy? are you kidding? six figures on a stock that went from ~12 to ~36? you made $300K. Since you admit to being state school trailer trash I will take your six figure comment and put it to $100K in the door. wtf are you proud of??? I make ten times that in 30 seconds. oh wait?right?state school $300K is a big deal to you. congratulations. FYI, My ferrari is in spot #226, make sure you get the bugs off of the license plate, ace.

  69. 0 votes + -
    Julius Seizure Said:

    Great blog! However, some of these comments till talking and debating about SAT scores – grow up! Who fuckin? cares. What have you done for me lately. Stop hanging on to an accomplishment from years ago.

  70. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I could have stayed in the midwest?

  71. -2 votes + -
    Higher Plane Said:

    This is the worst piece of trash I?ve read in a long time?ok, maybe since the pro-Bush editorial in the Post this morning. Glad to know that the attitudes of ”IBD” hasn?t changed in 8 years since I left the business?makes me feel better about turning my back on it. IBD/banking is revenge of the nerds at its best?stop kidding yourself. Bottle service is LAME! Live in NYC long enough and you?ll realize?you have a lot to learn young yuppie?I mean guppie.

  72. -5 votes + -
    Realist1 Said:

    Wow you guys fucking gay

  73. +2 votes + -
    models and bottles Said:

    one more time realist1, this time in english.

  74. +1 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    hey anonymous at 9:38 PM: it?s ”owns” not ”ownes” most rich people know how to spell, unless they made their money selling methamphetamines in Kentucky. Stop being such a poser; it?s obvious you?re still in college.

  75. -2 votes + -
    PropTrader Said:

    1530 on the SAT?800 on white people are fucking dumb?there was a dyslexic kid in my class who got 1400+?lol?no wonder asians get paid so much?finding a smart banker in the U.S is harder than finding a thin woman..

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