Sunday, August 14, 2005
Hicks Musings
I ache whenever I hear the phrase Private Equity. Lately, I’ve been sitting on the washing machine while I read my morning Journal so I can feel like I’m really a part of all the Maytag/Whirlpool/Ripplewood action. I can’t even order the 555 deal from Dominos anymore—the thought of the Bain Capital badasses that came in and cleaned house makes me so dizzy with yearning I have to sit down. I lay back on my deceivingly uncomfortable West Elm sofa and stare blankly at the ceiling. A childish smile creeps across my face, and I gargle the idea of Private Equity like soothing warm salt water. The solution seeps into my blood, calming me with its promises of wealth, power, and social standing. *Swallow* What bliss.
Before I became so fervent about Private Equity, I thoroughly considered all my other career options: hedge funds and VC. Hedge funds definitely offered potential for “the bling,” but as much as I would love to “arb” things, the lack of indubitable financial security and threat of independent decision making quickly scared me off. Venture Capital seemed quite trendy and even maybe fun, but the mere thought of working with fat, stinky, hippie techies that would come into my pristine office in “Free Kevin” t-shirts and cargo shorts (ugh) only to sully my Knoll desk with their dirty Tevas nearly made me barf all over my keyboard (I know the bubble has burst, but it’s still a scary thought). PE was the obvious choice.
I dream about PE firms like young boys dream about sports teams. KKR, Hicks Muse, Warburg Pincus…swoon (if they only had trading cards. [sidenote: there should be BSD trading cards for those like Milken and Merriwhether]). In my spare moments (aggregate ½ hour a week), I plan out every detail of what I will do when I’m working in PE with the care that a girl plans out the details her wedding. Which Jermyn Street tailor will I commission? Where will I summer? And most importantly, how exactly will I respond to people when they ask me what I do. “Oh me? I work at a little PE shop,” I’ll say. I’ll proudly enunciate the P and the E and then arrogantly draw out “shhhoop,” smacking my lips smugly with the release of final phoneme, “pph.” Their faces will light up with amazement and envy, and I will beam condescendingly. Life will be grand. Then, eventually, after several years of “rolling hard,” I’ll settle down. My mansion in Danbury will be tastelessly opulent, my wife sufficiently medicated, and my children far out of sight and mind at Andover or Exeter or Groton.
But it is yet a dream. Still one year left to go before the would-be transition, and I’m already beginning to wilt. The grind of the “stepping-stone” is really beginning to take its toll, and the fantasies of PE Valhalla are the only things that keep me afloat (except for packing a fat lipper at around 1:30AM). But it’ll happen. I’ll whore myself out to multiple headhunters, perfect my “Why Private Equity?” interview BS, and regurgitate every worthless finance formula they can think of. For now, though, “ALT+E-S-V” it is. Pasting values, bitch.
September 19th, 2005 at 2:16 pm
haha gluck on that
I think that’s more exciting than BSing about the greatness of counting inventories at Texas warehouses
February 24th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
Danbury? How declasse of you.
June 9th, 2006 at 6:34 am
Seriously… Danbury? Great if you like Nascar. Please, stop by my New Canaan home whenever you feel like busting open a new release of Silver Oak.
August 7th, 2006 at 2:29 am
fucking hilarious.. this is my life
December 13th, 2006 at 9:17 am
Ah, have you been to Danbury? I dont think its what youre picturing.
December 13th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
Satire or not, if Goldman knew about this, they would most definitely fire you, for PR reasons if nothing else. You’re making them look bad. Of course that is assuming you actually work for them.
December 14th, 2006 at 11:15 pm
i would say greenwhich for sure. (pron. gren-itch) All of you who read that in your head incorrectly should go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
December 14th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
You surely meant to say GREENWICH. Dump the extra H in there, please.
December 15th, 2006 at 8:40 am
j,
obviously you’re more of a poser than anyone else on this site. btw, how is brooklyn/jersey these days?
December 15th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Though I am not from Brooklyn or jersey (I am in fact from CT) I did make a mistake, but I was busy charting my yacht course for my two weeks in the Caribbean coming up
December 20th, 2006 at 10:20 am
PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting I’m applying to B-school next fall.
January 4th, 2007 at 6:35 am
hey, anyone for a futures markets in farts?
January 4th, 2007 at 9:23 am
this site is very 1999, isn’t it?
February 23rd, 2007 at 9:17 am
dreams don’t matter when someone else figured it out for you. good luck people! i stopped liking PE after 6th grade.
March 6th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
to be a dirtchute warrior, he’s got stars in his eyes!!!
April 30th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
PE Said:
December 20th, 2006 at 10:20 am
PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting I’m applying to B-school next fall.
You’re a fricken inept retail banker. I’m sure you’re eating your words now. Cheap money = buyout activity. You should also proof read your submissions.
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:04 pm
were the above comments transcribed from a group email chain at the Wells Fargo equipment leasing desk in Fort Worth?
I wasn’t sure…
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:14 pm
“PE Said:
December 20th, 2006 at 10:20 am
PE was grand this year. The peak has come, so downhill from here. Good ting I’m applying to B-school next fall.
You’re a fricken inept retail banker. I’m sure you’re eating your words now. Cheap money = buyout activity.”
Still stand by your words now Blackstone? Fucking idiot.