Friday, July 29, 2005

Bonus Season

“Tiff, OMFG, I can’t wait to get to Joshua Tree tonight. There are going to be SO many of them there,” Jessie eagerly told her friend.

“I know Jessie, it’s going to be awesome. I put on an extra splash of Heaven just so I can get one who has a belt with whales on it.”

“Your hair looks great tonight and so does your tan, just like you came back from ‘Hollywood,’ joked Jessie, winking and nudging her friend, pleased with her wit. “So…who was that boy you went home with last night?” she prodded.

“He was from Goldman SACHS,” Tiff immediately responded. “Goldman SACHS.” she emphasized giddily, not realizing the effect it would have on her friend.

Jessie swooned. She was standing, holding on to a pole for support and nearly lost both her grip and balance as if hit by a spell of vertigo. Her head rose slowly in the air and her hand lightly caressed the nape of her neck. She shuddered as her knees buckled together slightly. She paused in this position as the fantastic notion settled in. Recovering after a moment, she responded,

“TIFF, that is freaking AWESOME! What was his name?”

“I have no clue, and I don’t care.”

“Yeah, neither do I. I am so jealous. The best I’ve done all month is Lehman Brothers,” complained Jessie.

“Oh don’t worry hon,” consoled Tiffany. “It’ll happen for you too one day. I’m sure it will,” said Tiffany with an air of condescension.

“No it won’t. I’m fat,” explained Jessie, frowning and pinching the slight girl-gut extruding from between her bright pink tank top and her 7 for all Mankind jeans. “I’m gonna end up with a retail banker, she sobbed. “How do you stay so slim?”

“Oh come on Jessie…”One bump before lunch and two before dinner. One in the morning and you’ve never been thinner!” instructed Tiffany as if reciting an age-old adage. “Anyway, I’m setting my goals even higher tonight.”

“Higher than the G-Man?!”

“Yep. I’m gonna find a guy from Black—“

“Oh shit please Tiff don’ even say it. I can’t handle it,” interrupted Jessie. Clutching her crotch as if to prevent a sudden, uncontrollable explosion.

But Tiffany was in her own world. Her hands were in her tight back pockets, cupping her elliptical-machine toned buttocks. Her back was arched and neck craned upwards, her rock-hard nipples piercing through her tank-top like sharpened tic-tacs.

“Blackstone…” she finished grandly.
Overcome, both girls let out a dreamy sigh full of hope and collapsed in a heap on the floor, drenched in sweat and passion.

———-

Scenes like this have been occurring across all bridges and tunnels for the path two months. The PATH, LIRR, B, D, 7, and even Amtrak trains have been overflowing with H&M adorned girls ages 18-28, feverishly making their way into the City in search of one thing: Investment Bankers.

Why are the girls flocking? It’s Bonus Season, and the numbers are looking good. The average on The Street is around ~50-55K. Blackstone Group leads the group at 60k with Bank of America IBD rounding up the pack at ~$200.00 CAD (up 30% from last year).

McFadden’s, Bowery Bar, and Joshua Tree are literally inundated with more girls than they can handle.

“We usually anticipate this season, but the last few years since the Tech Bubble have been so rough for the economy that we had forgotten just how crazy it gets,” commented a bartender at Tribeca Grand. “If you don’t have the Bankers, you’ve got no business. We’ve literally had to have NYU students dress up in Brooks Brothers just to get girls to come into our bar. They look pretty convincing but just don’t have the polish, and the girls sniff that out immediately.”

Similarly, Mexx and Forever 21 are experiencing serious demand planning issues. “We are out of pink tank tops, fuck-me skirts, AND size 0 jeans. What will the poor girls wear?”

Not everyone’s business is benefiting from Bonus Season, however. Middle-Eastern food street vendors have noticed a 23% drop in sales during peak hours (1-4 AM) and blame the poor sales directly on the girls. “When de girl make happy time with boy, he no come to eat. Now me and family no eat. Damn you Jersey and Long Island, damn you to hell!” ranted Habib of 25th and 6th, across from Duvet.

Most recently, several male models, artists and fashion designers have resorted to posing as I-Bankers in a last-ditch effort to help their odds. Sven, a designer from the East Village, tried to mash together an outfit from clothes at Marshalls and went out to Marquee. “The really really drunk girls were fooled by my ‘slightly imperfect’ Polo, but even they quizzed me before letting me take them home! How am I supposed to know how to calculate this so-called ‘WACC’? What the hell!” moaned Sven. “I thought they just traded stocks all day.”

It’s a pastel New York this summer; the smiles on the downtown 6 train have never beamed so brightly. But fortunately for the rest of us, the phenomenon should only last a few more weeks. Historically, the last of the droves of money-sluts have realized their inability to woo the elitist preppies and have returned to their wastelands by early September. Until then gentlemen, either read the Vault Guide to Investment Banking and hit up Thomas Pink or prepare for a lonely summer.


54 comments for this post.

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  1. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    hahaha?girls know and I know that IB?s are out?hedge funds in?especially in murray hill, it?s a god damn joke

  2. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    BSC hit it with 60+

  3. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Girls actually don?t know diddly shit.

  4. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Girls actually don?t know shit.

  5. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This is ridic. Most investment bankers don?t have enough time to shower and sleep, let alone pick up ditzy girls at bars. If they are out, they?re probably really drunk. Know the best way girls can meet investment bankers? Be one.

  6. +1 votes + -
    JumpinJewess Said:

    You should write for The Onion?great shiz.

  7. -36 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    It is our juvenile preoccupation with stupid articles like this that causes people in other parts of the world (who, mind you, are much happier than us)to assume that we are idiots. Unfortunately their assumption is right on. Whoever wrote this article is a bonfied ass clown with no life. Do something, say something that is of some value . . PLEEEEASEE!!!!!

  8. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Incredible?I love it!

  9. 0 votes + -
    A GIRL Said:

    this is hilarious?

  10. +1 votes + -
    Girl I Banker Said:

    Absolute genius.

  11. +4 votes + -
    James Stark Said:

    Joshua Tree has banned me for life.

  12. -20 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    55K bonus?!? what do you mean? i?ve never heard of such a huge number ? i guess i got screwwwed? so? maybe all these kids should start to save up, and try to save the world, eh? anyone interested in not just making money for the sake of it? you are all.. we are all 20ish? and now spending our lives in gray offices? hours and hours.. years go by. I vote for all to stop. think. and QUIT! my recommendation as a strategist: work for 2 yrs, then take off and see the world. forget about this park avenue, $100 steak, $500 booze bottle nonsense.

  13. +5 votes + -
    TaDetLugnt Said:

    Why stop making money? One commentator was dead wrong. Working hard for years on end without caring what life is really about is what life is really about. It?s like DMX said in Belly?Get Money! Money money money money money. That?s all I care about.

  14. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I met a G-MAN once. He invited me to check out the view from his apartment but I turned him down?if I knew about the bonus, I would have totally gone.

  15. -2 votes + -
    from L. Said:

    ohhhhh I?m reading your posts sort of backwards? but you delight me like a child who looks at life with fresh eyes. Maybe you?re a jaded attorney, age 28ish. Keep writing please, from the short little posts to the long stories, I love the layers.

  16. -1 votes + -
    Killer Said:

    a classic?

  17. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    how much bonus do the back office guys get

  18. +17 votes + -
    Former Investment Banker Said:

    This is by far your best post, though it is a bit dated (60K bonus, quite low these days for a first year. does anyone really still go to marquee??). When I was a ”banker” (i.e. glorified graphic designer who could add and subtract) at a respectable big-name bank, I would go out and have girls literally come up to me in clubs or bars and say: ”hi, you are an investment banker from X Ivy League school, no?” I honestly don?t know how they figured me out every time, but I guess the look of exhaustion and general unhappiness with life may have given me away. Word to the wise: while you can attract many shallow NJ/LI/Murray Hill women as a banker, you can do much better (qualitatively and quantitatively) as a regular guy in Manhattan with a ton of time on his hands. There is life after banking, in fact much more of it. Get out and see the world!

  19. +5 votes + -
    2-sided coin Said:

    I?m a former PE chick with plenty of ibanking types around me and also used to date a regular nice guy who morphed into an investment banker. With a lot of them, the relationship stretches back all the way into a more innocent time at school. All I can say is that the ambition and the working hours takes a toll on both the bankers and the ones they love (family, friends, bf, gf). Eg the loving guy morphed into a sour and tired ”I don?t have time, try again later” type or sometimes, he gets conscience stricken and goes ”I?m sorry” when he could not be with me at significant moments. He is a decent guy who had stayed with me through a lot of personal trauma and I try my best. But in spite of everything, we drifted apart and we are no longer even talking to each other for all kinds of reasons. For the ibanker friends around me, the model relationships fall apart and despite the chase for a quality gf, they often end up getting dumped and they know that the ibanking career is a liability if they want a regular life.

  20. -3 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    A smarter move would be to go the Midwest and find some trust-fund kid or kid whose dad owned a construction company, was a real estate developer, or was an owner of a large company. 60k bonus? Plah-lease. These guys trusts pay out 60k a month?tax advantaged, compared to 35% fed and 10% NY and FICA on the first 97k that a working stiff IBer pays. Not to mention said trust-fund kid has oodles of time on his hand to go shopping for matching Ferraris with his wife. The bitchy east coast attitude will seem ”exotic” to his midwestern sensibilities, adding to her allure. If you?re golddigging, stay away from all working professionals and go for the guys with established businesses (real estate developer, construction, etc.), or if you?re a horny beast who needs a young stud, get a trust fund kid who?s inheriting his dad?s business.

  21. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Just what every woman wants ? a blue collar midwestern hick with no breeding or ability to join high society. ohh weee!!! i?m gettin on my hog and ridin west. i better bring my cousins in case i need some real lovin?!!

  22. +3 votes + -
    Anon Said:

    Yeah, a girl would be an idiot to marry a ”blue-collar hick” like a Buffett or a Busch. Got that smell out of NYC yet? Besides, you?ll be paying $1000/ft to buy our Midwestern land after some A-rab detonates three pounds of plutonium shavings in Times Square and all of Manhattan becomes uninhabitable by anything more complex than a cockroach for the next 10,000 years. Global warming and rising sea levels will give us beachfront property in Nashville. Yee-haw. There is no ”high-society” in the US. To properly bred Europeans, even Mayflower families are just a bunch of filthy, religious-nut colonists.

  23. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    your argument is so flawed it isn?t even worth ano?

  24. +5 votes + -
    Option_Guru Said:

    I?m amazed, but not surprised. Are these bimbos really that stupid to beleive that bankermen are such knuckle dragging primates that we can?t smell from a mile away what a woman is looking for? Yet they (the bimbo G-men stalkers) sit there depressed and drinking their safire and smoking their Camels wondering why he never called again? So my question of the day out of all these stupid biatches is what do you really expect to get by stalking G-Men, or IBers? Do you really think your trailer park ass has any chance of landing an IB boy? Here?s a clue, we didn?t land these jobs because we?re incredibly smart, we landed them becasue we have incredible intuition and insight and we can smell a stinky ass ho a mile away! All you are to us is a substitution for masterbation

  25. +10 votes + -
    ROI Guy Said:

    OK?most of these posts are written by people with IQs that are clearly a few standard deviations lower than mine, thus I will try to give you the benefit of the doubt and be understanding. For the most part, I?d say ”bankers” per se (analysts at least), have really shitty intuition?that?s why they are analysts! I started day trading options right out of school, and my record was so impressive that PE firms were fellating me and feeding me grapes. I?ve never worked longer than an 8 hour day, and you wouldn?t believe me if I told you how much money I was making at age 24. There are other ways to get into PE without devoting all of your youth to spreadsheets?.trust me! Think for yourselves! IB is probably the most risk-averse way of making good money. To me, life isn?t about clipping coupons?no risk, no return. Then again, if you are that risk-averse, you probably aren?t meant for PE anyway. Take care.

  26. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ROI guy: You are an idiot. P/E and options go together like hedge funds and equity research?things an industry employee may contemplate on a Sunday with the paper. P.S. your punctuation sucks! Your first sentence is a run-on, for sure. Replace that comma with a semi-colon or just end the sentence before beginning anew. All that IQ and you cannot scribble a thought in proper English????

  27. +6 votes + -
    ROI Guy Said:

    Awww, someone?s upset that I dissed his intuition. Look on the bright side, pal? Don?t you have a spreadsheet to get back to? Aren?t you due for your hourly VP tea-bagging? I never said P/E and options ”go together.” I just said that?s where I started. My point is that there are several paths to get where you want to be, as long as you excel (no pun intended). I?m trying to save you from carpal tunnel and depression, grasshopper. I?ve seen several of my friends regret their decisions to work in IB. Why the hostility? BTW, thanks for the punctuation comment. I?ll consider it when I?m counting my money and sleeping with hot women.

  28. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You guys need to stop obsessing with this ”whoz penis is bigger?” syndrome you jerk-offs are the biggest lot of self-congratulatory monkeys I have ever come across

  29. +3 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    ROI Guy, Your mom does not count as a hot woman; neither does Lassie. Best, PE Rockstar

  30. -1 votes + -
    ROI Guy Said:

    Rockstar, My mom? Lassie? Congrats! You?re finally insulting people on a third grade level. Well done, douche.

  31. +5 votes + -
    PE Rockstar Said:

    ROI Guy, Douche, Douche! I concur. I was insulting you in a childish way. However, I wanted to communicate in a manner that would be understood by you. I assumed that a comment about ”yo momma” and ”bangin a dog” would fall in line with your general ability to understand that I was insulting you. I see that it worked. I just wanted to say that if you did not have compensation issues, you would not be commenting on this site. Now, which state school taught you about clipping coupons? I would say I?ll see you at the club, but I know you aren?t a member. Regards, PE Rockstar

  32. -8 votes + -
    Serious Beef Injection Said:

    Just wait, corporate swine. The whole system will collapse in a few years. You?ll be sucking cock for oil montherfuskers.

  33. +12 votes + -
    shorty Said:

    when ”The whole system” collapses, we?ll sniff it out and get short, moron

  34. +9 votes + -
    BSD Said:

    Regardless of ROI Guy?s grammar (and pointing that out is definitely a banker comeback) he makes a very valid point. Ive always found the guys who do banking at the analyst level for money to be idiots. Your best case scenario is grossing $150K in your first year, which still just barely breaks the hourly wage of a manager at Walmart (who also gets overtime). This is why most bankers hate their lives ??” six months into the job they realize that they arent learning anything new and that no matter how big their bonus is it will not compensate them for their lost youth. If youre really set on being a banker for life go work in the industry you want to focus in as a banker, or do consulting at Bain, McKinsey or BCG, then get into a good MBA program and come in as an associate to the bulge of your choice. The fact is that virtually none of the skills you pick up as an analyst are used beyond the associate level. Thats why most analysts arent promoted directly but are sent to b-school where they can (re)learn how to talk and present to clients. Do you really think the MD pulling $10M in bonus still remembers how to spread comps?

  35. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Whats marshalls? Do they sell imperfect clothes or something, and why do you know so much about it?

  36. -2 votes + -
    CorpLawyer Said:

    I?m interested in what Former Investment Banker does for a living now that he?s left IB. PE or hedge fund management??

  37. -3 votes + -
    Brownie Said:

    Become a trader..that is the shit?trade n make ur millions bro..not sittin doin some M&A spreadsheets?.

  38. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    im at g-man next year!

  39. -3 votes + -
    Rodolfo Said:

    a bump of coke before eating? seems like you just talk out of your ass without knowing your subjects?

  40. -2 votes + -
    Frenchie Said:

    -Sorry, I?m rubbish in english- But I can?t believe that such bonus can exist ! I have always heard british and , also, american traders had ”important” bonus -than french trader of course !- but there? I must doing another work?moreover, in France, taxes are so important, then a trader must anticipate his perform? if not he will pay more and more !

  41. -2 votes + -
    Frenchie Said:

    -soupir- I have never seen any chicks who looking for a trader -with a real bonus of course !- in Paris, but if ever you want to find quickly a ”hot” french girl, you need to go at Avenue Montaigne, near the Champs Elyses . But attention beginner, the Avenue Montaigne is like New Bond Street in London or the 5 Avenue in New York : if you want to fuck a girl spend a lot at Gucci or Vuitton -for the girl, not for you- and normally you sould pass a good night, if is not enough for the miss, go to the Place Vendme and Rue de la Paix : the jewelry plaza -you must know it !- but you here, you need a lot of money, and also a good bonus -not the french bonus of course !- , moreover at Rue de la Paix, there are a famous shirt store : Charvet which is better -in my opinion- than Thomas Pink. But if the girl doesn?t pass a night with you, 3 solutions : – she has ever hunt more rich trader than you?work more hardly now if you want a better bonus? – she is a bitch pretentious girl, follow the hunt? – the problem it?s perhaps? you ; don?t forget that money can?t hide a fat person ?

  42. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Frenchie, Shut the hell up. Love, America.

  43. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Dear Frog, Please master the language before trying to mix it up with the ”crme de la crme” of America. Your 8th grade english class isn?t going to hack it, big guy. Reading your post was like watching cripple hobble through a minefield. Thanks for playing, and fuck yourself. Sincerely, Everyone

  44. +1 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    This article made me laugh so hard I was tearing.

  45. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You are my hero

  46. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    HAHAHHAHHAHAHA?..no mercy for the frenchie..LOL!!!

  47. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    man, i?m french and you got me really laughin?

  48. +3 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    ‘It is our juvenile preoccupation with stupid articles like this that causes people in other parts of the world (who, mind you, are much happier than us)to assume that we are idiots. Unfortunately their assumption is right on. Whoever wrote this article is a bonfied ass clown with no life. Do something, say something that is of some value . . PLEEEEASEE!!!!!” Actually, the person who wrote this article is a master of satire and a great writer. Probably doesn?t even work in the industry. You, however, are most likely some frustrated PhD candidate studying late 17th century glass etching. You sound like you come from perhaps Italy or Spain and make it your duty to have no sense of humor and criticize our society even though you lack any understanding of it.

  49. +2 votes + -
    Lumbergh Said:

    To Brownie at 7:02: Listen ”bro” if any of us wanted to be traders we wouldn?t have gotten into prestigious schools. We would have all just spiked our hair and gone to school at SUNY Purchase or Fordham and lived in Nassau County.

  50. +1 votes + -
    BigNegro Said:

    LOL @ the french dude getting ripped a new one! LMFAO

  51. 0 votes + -
    The Luxocrat Said:

    RE: to the guy astonished by a 55K bonus?get back to work. Take some schleprock out get him drunk and they always leak earnings info, short the shit, cover, ride to 6 figures. Take one for the team by going out with the tool for one night, you?d be surprised what slips out of a thirsty quants mouth these days knowing he looks cool sitting with you.

  52. 0 votes + -
    anon. Said:

    HAHA no forgiveness for Frenchie?. hilarious article. Bonus at 55k is a bit low now – last year range at my firm was 75-95k.

  53. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    In London, i-bankers are everywhere. Every time you go out, you meet i-bankers. They?re all over the place. And they party, oh yeah. Just the other week, in a West End night club in London, on a Wednesday (!) night, a young man drooled: ”I?m an investment banker, and given the current crisis I shouldn?t be here. I?m embarrassed to say this, but I party every night – every night.” An attempt to discuss the current crisis failed, me being female and in the club for decorative purposes.

  54. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To Lumbergh Prestigious schools? what schools would they be? I-Bankers are the best! cant wait to be one!

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