Friday, January 2, 2004

RE: Lehman Brothers Recruiting

Through a Finance Club email, I received word that Lehman Brothers is recruiting juniors for its Investment Banking and Private Equity divisions. I am a graduating senior, but I feel I could offer a great deal as a Lehman intern this summer.

I have read Monkey Business, Liar’s Poker, and When Genius Failed each 3 times and consider them my collective bible. I know I have the eye for perfection and artistic vision to create truly immaculate pitch books. I am a Microsoft Certified in Excel, and I know all the shortcut keys (alt-i then r, that will insert a new row). Furthermore, I consider myself a whiz with numbers. I know I would be able to build robust models and complete precise calculations for Lehman Brothers.

Most importantly, however, I want to stress how willing I am to do “anything for the team.” I realize the possibility of long hours exists in such a position, and I am ready to work as hard as necessary. I have been practicing staring at a computer monitor for extended hours, I can currently sit motionless in front of a screen for 28 hours, and I am improving daily.

I appreciate you taking the time to review my application and hope you indeed “go to bat” for me. Please contact me with any further questions you may have at

Tim Smith

69 comments for this post.

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  1. -32 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    it?s spelled ”wiz” – not ”whiz.”

  2. +21 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    no. actually ”whiz” is correct.

  3. -16 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  4. +27 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    how about you don?t talk until you learn what is actually correct. Just go on Word and type ”wiz” and ”whiz” and run the thesaurus on both – ”wiz” comes up with nothing, while ”whiz” comes up with ”expert”, ”genius”, and ”whiz kid” Make you sure know what you are talking about before you just start talking, or else your MD won?t let you in on the conference calls anymore.

  5. +21 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Im going to take a wiz on your face!

  6. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    holy christ. I just about died

  7. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    In Philly, we put ”whiz” on our steaks

  8. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You?re a Wharton bitch. So am I, Wharton bitch II

  9. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Go back to eating cheese wiz, hick

  10. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    F7 – spell check Try Sales instead of Corp. Fin

  11. -12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You are all douchebags. Shut up, who gives a shit? I will whiz on all your faces

  12. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    More importantly, it?s ”I appreciate YOUR taking the time?”. Funny stuff, decent writing, but the most common and egregious grammatical error that exists. You still doing good though.

  13. +22 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    actually, dumbass ”you taking the time” is perfectly acceptable. It?s the implied ”act of”, as in: ”I appreciate [the act of] you taking the time to review” or I appreciate your [act of] taking the time to review.” Either is acceptable. So bottom line, SHUT THE FUCK UP! You?re still doing well though.

  14. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Awesome. -Wharton Bitch III

  15. +18 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am gay. -Wharton Bitch IV

  16. 0 votes + -
    ono Said:

    ‘I am a Microsoft Certified in Excel” taht si realy godo atention ot detail!!! But, I did find the email entertaining.

  17. +14 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    wow?u two with the whole whiz/wiz thing?.are fuckin losers?

  18. +6 votes + -
    Wharton Bitches Said:

    I went to a public school, studied half as hard, paid half as much, and have the same job. BITCHES!

  19. +10 votes + -
    Ibanking bitches Said:

    but ur still an i-banking bitch congrats!

  20. -2 votes + -
    PE Said:

    You all need to grow up or none of you will make it to the the PE world children.

  21. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    God I want a steak from Gino?s for lunch. Whiz/with homeboy.

  22. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  23. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘you” is not ok. ”taking” is a gerund, that is the noun form of the verb. a noun requires the possesive ”your.”

  24. +2 votes + -
    mr clean Said:

    Do you know if lehman brothers is recruting janitors for it?s investment banking and private equity divisions?

  25. +1 votes + -
    dingleberry Said:

    I fart in your general direction

  26. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wharton Bitches – of course you ”paid half as much” – get paid half as much, that is, BITCH. Maybe you should go back to watching Lou Dobbs

  27. +5 votes + -
    ANON Said:

    Your comments all make this site worth viewing??thanks to each and every one of you!!

  28. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Go back to watching Lou Dobbs? That is the funniest shit I?ve heard in a while?well done.

  29. -4 votes + -
    LakeThe Tank Said:

    ‘Paid half as much” that just means that you are poor and we are better than you because we are not. Who is the bitch now?

  30. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    did someone just say she?s gay?

  31. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am gay.

  32. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Get a fucking life. How the fuck are you all proud of the fact that you?re lame and boring slaves with a lot of money but nothing to do with it.

  33. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I can?t believe how bigoted some people are.

  34. +2 votes + -
    qunt wallop Said:

    it?s really funny how ibankers are so arrogant and proud to be working 100+ hours/week to be paid as much as a trader for example that works 40 or 50 hours/week. it?s comforting though, knowing that only ibankers respect ibankers and ibankers only respect ibankers. go ahead rip me anew one with that tongue- twister?

  35. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Fuck u loser I bankers..god..its all abt trading ?.thats where the big playas make the big money..i mean everyone knows who rocked New York and London when the bonuses were definitely wasn?t the cube monkey in the i banking dept?Fuck yeah Traders?Masters of the Universe !!!!!!!!!!! Fuck Yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  36. +1 votes + -
    STR8 FLSH Said:


  37. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    dude this website is awesome?

  38. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this website is for lame guys that no girl would even give the time of day to if it wasn?t for their lame ”banker” status. but dont worry dudes, you?re cool?haha

  39. -8 votes + -
    the dj Said:

    well, i wanted to be an ibanker once? so i interned? ended up in tech support, GAY. but hey? at least now i know that i DONT want to work 100 hours a week.

  40. -7 votes + -
    enjoy starving Said:

    i am so god damn happy i work in an industry that has NOTHING to do whatsover with money/bond/stock trading. the worst industry on earth. i would rather die broke under a highway overpass in houston than work one single hour for any of those clowns. all i can do is laugh heartily inside whenever someone i meet or know (even close friends) opens their mouths to talk about this business. then, when they quit blathering about whatever bullshit flavor-of-the-month commodity is hot, i silently smile, knowing the fountain of horseshit is temporarily quelled. i seriously have more intellectual respect for vapid brazilian models who complain about what kind of bottled sparkling water a restaurant serves. a complete and total financial collapse of the entire american banking sector would actually cure my insomnia. i would sleep soundly for months knowing that every jackass with a pink saville row shirt and an SLR was eating pork and beans alone out of a can after his wife (who was cheating on him anyway) left in a flurry of psychotic screaming about his newfound worthlessness. die in a fire, all of you.

  41. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I hear corn and soybean futures are hot. Don?t worry I dump the pork and beans out of the can before I eat them?

  42. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Whiz and wiz are actually both correct according to Google. They mean the same thing.

  43. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous? Said:

    Holy shit?I?ve read a lot of idiotic posts and websites before, but this one takes the cake.

  44. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    what a dumbass who lives in Googleality?

  45. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    wow ? i read through them all ? I must really have nothing to do ?

  46. -1 votes + -
    ibanker4life Said:

    Interesting stuffs on here?

  47. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    did he get hired? i really wanna know i?m going to email him

  48. -14 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    sad dude. what makes him think that sticking around in the office sitting motionless for 28 hours is gonna win lehman?s any deals

  49. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i?m the fucking MAN, and you all should know it

  50. -1 votes + -
    Hugh Janthrobbin Said:

    You fucking yank wanks are so stupid.

  51. -1 votes + -
    Not-A-DBag Said:

    I pray that when I become a banker I don?t become a tool like the two guys at the top of the comments.

  52. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this is hilarious?undoubtedly people have submitted cover letters like this

  53. +1 votes + -
    mksuisse Said:

    Golden?. as someone writing and sending cover letters daily (to all different types of industries? yes, trading and ibanking too) this is a gem. Mayhaps I will take some inspiration out of this.

  54. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    At this point, I don?t know which made me laugh more, the post, or the whole 900 yards of comments about it. And what?s with the bitter pork and beans guy who probably clings to guns and religion?

  55. +5 votes + -
    hedgie Said:

    actually, hedgies win? we smoke the nose hair investors, steal 2 and 20% for doing nothing. then blow it all up,lock it all down and go to the beach.

  56. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I can see that all the comments are either by the analysts or associates in banking or consulting? Losers?.go do something good to the society by becoming a doctor?and making more money than any banker or consultant.

  57. -2 votes + -
    anon Said:

    please tell me that this as a cover letter is a joke..this was about the worst thing ive ever read..the person who wrote this must be 19 years old..nothing of any importance was displayed in that cover letter..hopefully, now that hes 4 years older he will read this again and realize what an idiot he was

  58. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I think it?s ”whiz”. ”Wiz” would be like ”taking a wiz”(urinating).

  59. 0 votes + -
    Seoul Man Said:

    This is a pretty funny post, but you people are all losers! One fucking heart attack or colon cancer and you fukers will be begging for more time. No one ever said they should have worked more when they are in their death bed. No go back to work!

  60. -2 votes + -
    Gordon Said:

    LEH is toast.

  61. 0 votes + -
    Dick Fuld Said:

    Would anyone mind if I used this template for my new job search? Best Regards, Dick

  62. -1 votes + -
    PE! Said:

    Lehman HAHAHAH! What kind of bank is that! They are all the same! Crap! Just quit banking and go to PE!

  63. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    PE! most likely does not work in PE. or banking.

  64. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    lol Lehman

  65. -2 votes + -
    PE! Said:

    It?s funny to see how jalous you all are? PE bitch!

  66. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Oh boy, I think we?re same plane – I?m all yours panties minus.

  67. 0 votes + -
    Shorter Said:

    Lehman is out of business! Yes!!!!!!

  68. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Actually they don?t sell pink shirts on Savile Row, you?re thinking Jermyn Street dummy.

  69. +4 votes + -
    Patrick Bateman Said:

    I have to return some video tapes.

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