Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Thank You For Quitting

Peace To Shitty Bankers

Several times a year, I receive a forward in which some young analyst at an Investment Bank has flipped out, decided to quit, and written an embittered email manifesto to his group detailing his thought process. These emails ring of both anger and haste, and, without fail, they carry the tone of “I’m meant to be doing something better than this.”

I read these emails, and I chuckle. I laugh not only because these kids are raging pussies but because their naiveté is overwhelming. It’s as if they’ve had some sort lack of sleep induced revelation and are convinced that their true “path” has suddenly become clear—they aren’t meant to be working on pitch books for deals that alter the global economic landscape or doing complex analysis—they’re meant to be “using their minds.”

The most recent one of these emails is from a young analyst at some small shop called “UBS.” I hadn’t really heard of it before, but apparently they are not only “everywhere,” they’re “right next to me.” To which I say: How the fuck did you creep up into my prestigious-ass building, UBS? And no, I do not want your estate planning services!

Anyway, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate hubris; I applaud it. But when someone is so deluded to think that he is better than Banking, he is advertising his stupidity. These kinds of people don’t understand the solid fundamentals that come with getting one’s hands dirty, and it’s obvious that these quitters are just scared of a little hard work and the occasional all-nighter.

Grip some Red Bull and shut the fuck up, kids—everyone has to put in dues. You think Scott Kapnick was bitching about long hours when he started out? What would have become of King Leonidas if instead of braving the cold and killing that beady-eyed wolf, he had just set his spear down on his desk and ran away like a sissy? They would have ended up like you, UBS: jobless.

In the spirit of being scientific, I had the drones over at Sunday, LLC (appropriately, the sad little personal assistant startup of an ex-CS-Banker) pull me some historical data on all these “Fuck you. I quit” Banking defectors. Ran a quick little regression, and the results were just as I had speculated: R2 of 1.0 with the line going straight to shit.

Turns out that storming out of finance violates what some might call “the cardinal fucking rule”—it leaves you no outs. Those that have left are forced to take on small business ventures, work random in-house corporate finance jobs, and return, hat-in-hand, to family businesses. Guys that were once a part of an extremely elite finance set are now living godknowswhere, dreaming of the past and trying to apply their rusty DCF skills to the income they’ve managed to stuff underneath their mattresses (“$12 valuation, baby! Woo!”).

So I ask our UBS friend: are you worried about the significance of these data points? Has it occurred to you that perhaps you should have taken a moment to breathe and think before you made such a rash decision, squandering your life and the opportunity you had been so lucky to receive?

Perhaps there should be a counseling center for Bankers on Tilt that could save these young confused souls and guide them back to sanity. Perhaps their MDs should be instructed to give them another shot and forget about the momentary insanity. But then again, perhaps not.

I’m fairly certain all these kids were destined to be pretty shitty Bankers anyway, so the only net loss was that someone missed out on the sheer pleasure of informing them of their bottom tieredness and the joy of presenting them with a measly $2k bonus. No big deal.

Thanks for quitting, guys—you would have been weeded out anyway.

309 comments for this post.

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  1. -1 votes + -
    lexington Said:


  2. +49 votes + -
    In before massive banking circle jerk Said:

    This site is so meta-douchebag it makes me rethink all of those times that my collar was not popped.

  3. -39 votes + -
    Visionary Said:

    After reading this well thought out article I realize the limited scope and understanding of life the author may possess. I pose this question: ”if a man chooses to engage in other activities that HE enjoys more, does that make him a pussy” You speak so heavily about this mans lack of work ethic and fear of a challenge, but do you know any of these things to be true? Have you met him? Do you know where his long term ambitions lie? You rant and rave about how prestigious banking is and how they are working on ”deals that alter the global economic landscape”, and how lucky these kids are that they were entrusted with such a position in the first place. While I appreciate banking and the extreme work ethic of bankers (or just stick around long enough effort), I hesitate to conclude that they have been ?blessed? by being a banker. Banking may not be for everyone, but we cannot say that this person is a ”pussy” or a ”quitter” because he realized that banking may not be for him. If we were to make such an idiotic statement, then we would have to label everyone who ever interned at a bank and then turned down an offer a quitter or pussy. I am a banker, and I can state that not everyone has the greatest ambitions and work ethics. Many people just try to hang around long enough to get through their 2 years of hell and then kick back, order seamless, yell at the new analyst, and live the sweet life. I challenge you to understand that banking is a PASSION FOR FEW and a JOB for many. I can all but assure you that there are many people in banking who work ridiculous hours at a job that they neither are passionate about nor enjoy, simply because they are afraid to lose that banker salary, year end bonus, and all of the other introductions to ”the sweet life”. Many people become complacent and mundane simply because they are afraid of failing at their true passions and desires. We only have one life to live So if a person works a good part of their life, at something that they do not enjoy, simply because of their fears? then who is the real pussy? Food for thought

  4. +113 votes + -
    J. Dimon Said:

    Really fucking ?profound?, Visionary? How much time did you pour into that? I guess working on the Equipment Finance desk at KeyBanc allows time for that kind of bullshit.

  5. -8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Most entertaining comment ever

  6. +14 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    visionary?. are you the homo that went to middlebury? #1 shut the fak up, #2 quit our industry and #3 go open up a florist in chelsea with your boyfriend so u can be happy? anyone correcting my grammar and spelling is just like visionary?be warned?i?m a trader with a big dong and don?t have time to run spell check like you homoz, so peace in your crease?

  7. -25 votes + -
    M&A-the m is for mybankroll, the a is for arrogant Said:

    First of all Mr. ”Visionary,” you gave yourself a gay name that basically summarizes that you are a pathetic fuck who has a holier than thou attitude. Anyone who has ever participated in banking or M&A has been blessed to touch the upper echelon of financial activity and there is no denying it. Finance is definitely not for everyone, nor it perks and requirements. It does require a commitment and work ethic that surpasses that common man, it pushes us to our limits and we are better for it. So before you come in here saying that it is just a job, you should rethink your homoerotic existentialist commentary and shut the fuck up, because this is the sport of champions.

  8. +4 votes + -
    Prime Said:

    getting AIDS > being a trader

  9. +18 votes + -
    Ravin' Dave Said:

    It?s the same shit they put doctors through. You should figure that about half of the people who get hired are people that God Did Not Mean for Them to be in This Business. I worry more about the ones who put up with it, because of the salary or their parents or some such thing, when they never really cared about finance or economics or about money except to spend it. _Those_ people worry me.

  10. -2 votes + -
    anon Said:

    yo keepinitreal?your a losah~ big d

  11. +1 votes + -
    Non-banker chick Said:

    Physicians have it worse actually. Same terrible hours, just as abused and torn apart by superiors, except we have four years of debt and no hope of a decent salary. I don?t feel sorry for bankers. I admire them, but I don?t pity them. Presumably we?re all the cream of the crop intellectually, and we can handle the pressure and the workload. The weak are weeded out; it isn?t about lacking or sacrificing our ”true passion”.

  12. -9 votes + -
    ivy tower Said:

    Why the fuck are you loosers reading this stuff and getting upset. Obviously us bankers are having fun here and if you do not understand our humor get lost you med school jerks? Keepinitreal, don?t take any shit from ”anonymous” just put it on his chin..

  13. -45 votes + -
    John UBS Said:

    I?m pretty sure UBS is a good bank right?

  14. +9 votes + -
    Goldman Bitches Said:

    hahahah, yes, FUCK UBS

  15. +8 votes + -
    dude Said:

    isn?t PE the upper echelon of financial activity? i thought you just do IBD so that you can get into PE???

  16. +6 votes + -
    Non-banker chick Said:

    Umm, I was empathizing and echoing everyone?s reaction to ?visionary?. I?m not sure how that was interpreted as me getting upset, not understanding humor, and being a jerk. Strange?

  17. +2 votes + -
    Non-banker chick sounds hot Said:

    Obviously it?s an individual?s decision to quit their job. If they think, albeit generally foolishly, that quitting their job for more free time (and less money) will provide them with more utility than making an excellent salary, then they should quit their jobs. While it is probable tha there are some talented bankers with lots of potential, the general case is that these quitters would not be qualified to fulfill the more demanding roles of finance. Natural selection.

  18. -3 votes + -
    sparky Said:

    What a puss!

  19. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?ve read better. This seems like a straight out b1tch without the satire? Not good.

  20. +2 votes + -
    anon Said:

    this new post came too soon. i?m still thinking about how georgetown sucks, how chicago is laughable and fat, and how the only path to nirvana is thru PE/HF.

  21. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    why do people take this so seriously?

  22. +4 votes + -
    banker184 Said:

    ‘The most recent one of these emails is from a young analyst at some small shop called UBS.??? ” classic! to be honest, they are probably random visitors, a bit philosophic for the edgy banker.

  23. +6 votes + -
    John Said:

    Why in the world are people actually trying to intellectually debate this article??? Anyone who works in banking (bulge bracket banking that is) knows the game and knows the jokes?it?s all for fun guys get your game up, or have a banker explain the rules to you before you go get mad?it?s all locker room talk

  24. -18 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    hey non banker chick? you should drop those med school books and play hide the kilbassa between your junk? then you may loosen up a little? if you can?t find anyone to tap that, don?t worry we can organize the first banker gang-bang of ”non banker chick”.. of course we will need to put a bag over your busted face, and get that fat arse to slim down before the event, but in any case looking forward to seeing you? i?m sure you?ll appreciate this international waspy player? peace in your crease

  25. +31 votes + -
    tuckie Said:

    I worked in M&A as an analyst, and whoever thinks that is the upper echelon of global financial activity is delusional. When you are doing buy-side advisory for tpg or bain cap you?re not the ”BSD” in the room – they are. You?re the one endlessly pitching and groveling for business, and then when you get a deal, as an analyst you work on such a small part it?s hard to feel like you?re touching any upper echelon, or that you?re doing anything all that important. I?m going to assume that you?re an analyst, M&A mybankroll dude, so here?s a free tip – get in at a solid PE firm, join the finance elite, and stop living off success fees. If you?re an associate/VP and still in M&A, keep living the dream of siphoning fees off other peoples greatness?.

  26. -19 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    UK FOOTBALL. BEAT THE HOGS. GO CATS! PS: You are all losers!!!

  27. +15 votes + -
    chris Said:

    Weak. It just didn?t add anything to DealBreaker?s coverage and it wasn?t very funny. What happened to the brilliance of the Shitshow, Free Meal Melissa and Overdelivering?

  28. +1 votes + -
    Author Said:

    Why work with people you hate for 10 bucks an hour when you can work with people you like for 50? Trying to leave quietly on a Sunday morning is best done by packing up your stuff; not sending an e-mail to a small group of people your departure would effect negatively. A bunch of people on the street who have never (and hopefully will never) work with the kind of ludicrous people who make up UBS Healthcare shouldn?t knock it before they try it. At least there?s an opening there! My last internship in banking, I got asked to miscount for around 250 million dollars to show to the FED – wow what a great run of it I?ve had in IBD.

  29. +13 votes + -
    Free Meal Melissa Said:

    Had to read that one again – CLASSIC! Note the comments on that thread as well – less banker/rapper oneupmanship. Dated a colleague in IBD who would wear her heels to bed and grind them into the small of my back. Ooorah!

  30. -8 votes + -
    Baller Status Said:

    anon Said: September 19th, 2007 at 10:44 pm this new post came too soon. im still thinking about how georgetown sucks, how chicago is laughable and fat, and how the only path to nirvana is thru PE/HF. ???????????????.. Still crying about that rejection letter huh? Georgetown is a great school. You don?t come out like every other cookie cutter UPenn D-Bag and you still get the same or better jobs when you get out?..

  31. +2 votes + -
    Seriously Said:

    Do people actually think i-bankers are the intellectually ”elite”? Obviously there are some, but the majority of my class is very, very mediocre. Doctors far surpass most finance people, whether it is banking, trading, or asset management.

  32. -26 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    listen you bich melissa, first of all suck a big banker dik!! second, us in banking are true gangstas, we smack biches like you with our cash wrapped around our diks over your forehead? the ”oneupmanship” you are talking about, is because bankers and rappers are one of the same, we like hot chicks, bottle service, fast cars, fancy clothes and finally we spit some mad game/insults to anyone who crosses our way? aaaight?! peace in your crease

  33. +6 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    comments are much funnier than the article this time?

  34. +22 votes + -
    Rubi Rubirosa Said:

    I read your comments and I can?t stop thinking that this industry has become a playground for you fucking 20 something year old fuckers with small dicks and huge personal deficits? go get a live, a personality and a real vision, go do something with your lives and become adults for god?s sake? you live a bullshit dream and you think you are something? what idiots you are? that?s why we need a real downturn so that all of you who think you are great get fired and live the miserable live you deserve

  35. -13 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    dear rubi rubirosa, i?m a little hurt by your comments?do you honestly think that just because we write all this crap on here, we actually think/act/behave this way??? HELLLL YEAAA WE DO!!!! so why don?t you take that rubiks cube of your name and show it up your anal cavity and leave it in there till all the colors line up, bicccch peace in your crease

  36. -25 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    there are only 3 universities harvard, yale and princeton, and only 2 banks: MS and GS!

  37. +13 votes + -
    testes testes 123 Said:

    jesus?all the real hitters are gone and in their wake only the feeble put downs of a new 1st yr class remain. sad. i would blow my head off if i worked with any of you buttfucks.

  38. +21 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m an I-banker at a bulge bracket firm and I?m better than you because I make more money than you? (see everyone, this is an example of satire and sarcasim. Maybe, just maybe, the author of this piece was making fun of the few bankers and workers in finance who actually believe the ridiculous comments that were put forth here. I actually do work in a bulge bracket bank and I can tell you that those opinions are not prevelent and those who do hold these opionions are scorned and ridiculed. And for someone who does act like that, your coworkers are probably ripping you apart behind your back. Finance, like everything else, has its stereotypes. So why doesn?t everyone stop taking this website so seriously and realize that it is all in jest. Sometimes I don?t know what is funnier; the article or the morons who react to it thinking these thoughts are truly held by those in the financial sector).

  39. +11 votes + -
    buyside Said:

    keepinitreal Said: ”second, us in banking are true gangstas, we smack biches like you with our cash wrapped around our diks over your forehead” Tell me, was that PA or Exeter you attended?

  40. -5 votes + -
    keepinitreal Said:

    yo buyside, to answer your question i went to monte rosa in montreux? put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. and testes, instead of blowing your brains off why don?t you blow buyside, looks like you two butt sex lovers would enjoy that..

  41. +19 votes + -
    a Said:

    wow this piece sucked more dick than kobe tai

  42. +11 votes + -
    DJ Junior Tai Said:

    yeah that UBS guy lasted only what? less than a month? true calling hit him at like 6:40 something in the morning on a sunday. i work there, same building, not a banker tho, but fckn healthcare group is #1 in the amount of work, its crazy. see that?s why i can?t do ibanking? as much as i?m interested in finance, i think i?m only cut out to do equities trading, 60-70 hours a week, can?t trade on a sunday, what fckn market is open (unless we?re international). but hey, somebody?s gotta underwrite the primary market for traders to work on the secondary market right? so, thanks ibankers. the money, the prestige, the dream?.

  43. -1 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    Penn > Georgetown > smegma > brown

  44. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Whats PA or Exeter? Seriously.. I have no clue.

  45. +16 votes + -
    deuceandahalf Said:

    I know at Stanford Graduate School of Business, only ~5% of any given graduating MBA class goes into banking. and actually, it?s sorta looked down upon. If you can get into PE, VC, a hedge fund, etc. then your ”BSD.” From experience in seeing classmates doing recruiting, many newly minted associates (those who made up the 5%) at bulge bracket investment banks were not analysts prior to B-school. So if IBD is so great, why not just enter at the associate level and save the trouble? Wouldn?t that be easier? It is also worth considering reasons for why so many analysts did not jump back into IBD. In any case, the Redskins are looking pretty good.

  46. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Great article. UBS is pusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

  47. +2 votes + -
    Goldman Bitches Said:

    Personally, I just did banking to get into HBS for free. the money is nice too

  48. +27 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    My friend at Goldman just spent the last 15 years working 120-hour weeks. He?s 38, hasn?t had a date in all that time, lives alone in a $3M NYC condo, and got passed over last year for PMD. He died of a heart attack last week, and there are few who even care. Masters of the Universe?

  49. -5 votes + -
    Leon Black Said:

    M&A Haters, step back, before I shoot M&A laserz out of my elbows and superman dat ho

  50. +5 votes + -
    GS Alpha Fund Said:

    If I worked at UBS, I would quit too. keepingitreal is trying so hard that he makes the poser Gotti crew I saw at Tenjune last week look legit. And we all know you?re DPG, that lame ass wannabe gangsta hooked on phonics ebonic speak ain?t fooling anyone.

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