Monday, July 30, 2007
Breaks In The Track
I sent the email last week:
Friends and colleagues,
After two very educational years, the time has come for me to leave Goldman Sachs. Beginning in August, I will be moving on to my next adventure, The Carlyle Group in New York. I have attached my updated contact information below, and look forward to keeping in touch.
Warmest regards,
It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.
To be truthful, I had already been pretty checked out for the past few months. Ever since I got my PE offer, things were almost pointless. Most recently, I’d taken to coming in at like 11:00am and, in general, not really giving a FUCK.
I still got everything done exceptionally, of course, and I still came in some weekends, but it was almost just out of habit. Then when the summer started and the clueless “ex-entrepreneur” MBA summer associate starting coming to me asking for help, I would just peek up at him from behind my kicked up bare feet, and tell him: “Give me a shout on Monday.” I’d look annoyed, as if he’d interrupted some sort of bare-footed piece of analysis he’d never be able to comprehend, and to accentuate that I didn’t really want to be bothered on Monday, I’d shoot him a look of I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that screamed: “What’s more busted bro, your dot-com or your girlfriend’s face?”
And now I’ve left, and I’m jobless. Well, I’m obviously not jobless, but that’s the liberating feeling of all breaks along The Track:
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| Innovative graphic design courtesy of Mercer Management Consulting (they’ll take whatever business they can get, apparently). |
The Track is what separates man from beast. It’s what separates Banker from every other ungainfully employed idiot that exists out there. It’s magnificent in its simplicity and supreme in the rewards of its end-state.
And thank god it’s set up how it is. When an “artist,” writer, or other unspeakable is “in between jobs,” he ends up giving blood 12x a day, wearing homemade jorts, and living off Gray’s Papaya (or whatever the outer-borough version of that is). When a Banker is in between jobs, he’s just fucking around for a couple months with >$100k savings until the next leg of The Track begins.
I’ll admit, I’m rather enjoying waking up whenever the hell and going to the gym 2x a day. Just this week, I watched Transformers in the theater at 3 in the afternoon after lifting. Halfway through that exceptionally manly movie, I felt like a meathead trader I was so jacked up on testosterone. I almost picked a fight with the dude in front of me, but instead of absolutely destroying the 85 year old, handicapped Asian man, I went home and stood in front of my full-length mirror and watched myself rapidly change from my street clothes into my Banker clothes.
One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second—BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows.
The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.
Then I chuckled to myself and made a clever joke about the demise of Optimus Subprime, a once promising autobot.
Now, I’m going to “travel.” I’m not entirely certain why, but it feels like the right thing to do. There are a handful of developing third world nations I’ve heard are worth visiting: Turkey, Croatia, Fire Island, et.al., and this is the time to conquer them, if ever.
I may go through the motions of seeing a couple sites, but the experience is more so that when I do start work and people ask me what I did during my time off, I’ll be able to casually say: “Oh…I was traveling.” And then, we’ll bask in 15 minutes of stimulating conversation about the insanely high prices of Icelandic beer and the rich body of Turkish tobacco. After a few days, I’ll start circulating some lavish sex stories involving me, an excess of HRK, and several runway models with broken English—just so the word gets out that I’m “’bout it.” The message will disseminate, and I’ll be set up well. Actually—if I didn’t take this time to travel, I’m not even certain how I’d break the ice.
Anyway, after rounding out the European leg of the trip boozing on my boy’s yacht in Istanbul and abusing whatever the Turkish word for “baller” is, I might even stop home for a spell. I project I’ll be able to stand at most 2 days before I’ve grown disgusted of my friends that were fun in the moment but never made it past community college and will have completely exhausted my phonebook of elementary school teaching sluts that try ferociously to reel me in with their expertise in homemaking. Poor suburbanites.
Soon after, this break along The Track will be over, and my next “adventure” will begin. While it is fun living this jobless lifestyle, I’m glad I’ll be back at work in a few short weeks—the economy needs me.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:57 am
again, greatness
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 am
‘ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows” – best part. Turkey isn?t 3rd world though, but I guess that title can be used for anywhere outside of NYC.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Optimus Subprime..very nice.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:21 am
The Track is a work of art
July 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
sucked
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
great fucking entry this month. keep it up. optimus subprime.. lol
July 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Hi there, Remember me? I am Susie, and we went to elementary school together. You were so cute back then, with greasy hair, dirty shirt and a perpetually running nose. I remember you always got picked up by Bob the Hustler, and I felt so sorry for you when he made you lick his shoes in front of the entire school. But that was a long time ago. I can see now you?re all grown up and successful! By the way, what is Private Equity? Sounds like a fancy job! I hope have fun at your new job and stop by and say hi when you do come home! Love, Susie
July 30th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I fucking love this shit – it really brightens up my day.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:43 am
sigh?.was this worth the month long wait ?
July 30th, 2007 at 10:50 am
‘The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking” I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:51 am
not your best work
July 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
congrats on the job got a good chuckle out of optimus subprime. bust that shit out to the ladies when you?re out. carlyle?s great, had a few good years there. but then of course, break #4 had to break.
July 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am
always good for a laugh. to be fair, though, i just hope you?re as handsome and as successful with women as the tone of your writing suggests. otherwise, i?m very, very sorry for you. great piece, as always
July 30th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wouldnt give a drop of piss to work in PE right now. That market peaked and job cuts will inevitably follow
July 30th, 2007 at 11:58 am
more more more~!
July 30th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
very funny. fire island is indeed a developing country. let?s have more actual banking jokes rather than education/clothes/women jokes. those are cool but balance is best. oh, and let?s not wait like 50 days for the next one, ok?
July 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Ridiculously good stuff?..keep it up
July 30th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
i work in finance! i?m sooooo cool! shut the fuck up.
July 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
‘One second I was an innocuous American car, wearing shorts and a polo. The next second??”BAM! I was transformed and growling back at myself in a $3k bespoke suit, 1000 feet tall, ready to shoot M&A lasers out of my elbows. The Optimus Mother Fucking Prime of Banking, baby.” pissing myself in tears. yeh you heard right!
July 30th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I love finance, but like all jobs, it has it?s downsides. The positive comments about this month?s disgraceful entry only serve to remind me of what losers some of my colleagues are. So, while you all ”piss yourselves”, which clearly indicates that you don?t dress in $3000 bespoke suits, I am going to get a pair of Tods on and go and look for some interns.
July 30th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
That was almost too good. I ejaculated while reading it..
July 30th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Shooter?pow, pow!
July 30th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Has it occured to you that you every bit the bitch for carlysle that the school teachers are to you? you can fake it kid, but you are still just a wanna be with an expense account.
July 30th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I love it.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Wow, not only is ”roger” bitter that he works in the back office at Wachovia, he is incapable of spelling Carlyle correctly when its posted right above.
July 30th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I think we all know that roger is the biggest rainmaker in the compliance department at Wells Fargo Securities
July 30th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Anon 2:36 – no you did not ! please go see someone
July 30th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Jorts, pure comedy??
July 30th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
What?s wrong with the back office at Wachovia? As far as back offices go, it?s pretty nice. I hear they get to wear Jorts on Fridays.
July 30th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
your track looks like: HS Break Tier 2 state school Break Apply for position at BAS, WCM, etc and get pounded at interviews Break Accept job at ”somewhere that would take you” and start a satirical blog aimed at the purest profession in the world Break Completely run our of material and try, hopelessly, to cling on to my disintegrating fan base. Bring your A game next month.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Are you kiddin? Compliance is too good for Roger. That guy is saying ”next in line” at the Wells Fargo branch.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
i noticed that post-break #3 is PE/HF. just curious, are hedge funds considered as prestigous as private equity funds? (forgive the ignorance pls)
July 30th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Poor Optimus Subprime? They should?ve thought twice before arming him with all those explosive weapons. Who knew that your sparing match (when you used your M&A laser) would unintentionally detonate his entire artillery and set off a chain reaction explosion that killed him. I?m sure he will come back in another form? If Optimum Prime came back from the dead, then Im sure Optimus Subprime could do the same.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:01 am
These are the types of kids I beat up.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:09 am
Have you seen those credit markets? Optimus Mutha Fucking Prime of PE is going to have some serious trouble doing deals when the 1L is spread wider than his momma?s legs, and the 2L redefines usury?(and the bridges you?ll be funding ain?t equity bridges baby!)
July 31st, 2007 at 7:17 am
WTF
July 31st, 2007 at 7:54 am
turkey: good choice enjoy balling in my home town
July 31st, 2007 at 8:27 am
Oooh? not retail banking?
July 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am
Keep up the good work, and I?ll keep up following the track?only a step behind?
July 31st, 2007 at 9:52 am
if whoring yourself out to the merchants of death for 6 figures is your idea of success, best of luck in your next thousand lives as a maggot at the bottom of a lollapalooza porta-potty.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:15 am
This is not what Goldman employees are like. Or, this might be what analysts that will never make it to VP or above at Goldman are like.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:46 am
‘These are the types of kids I beat up.” I see that you?re still dreaming about your high school football glory days, Bundy. How?s Peg doing?
July 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am
The break that Banker McChoad forgot in his progression is the break where he gets a MBA and rises above the analyst class into the executive class.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:25 am
Weak. Sounds like our protagonist has lost his self-confidence.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am
if any of you had any real talent you would be working for me.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:00 pm
i?m glad to be back at work in a few short weeks, the economy needs me
July 31st, 2007 at 12:35 pm
roger anyone who has your level of hatred towards successful financial professionals like myself and other bankers who frequent this site is clearly jealous of how deep we actually roll. Shut the fuck up and get back to work, I?m sure there?s someone waiting to open a checking account.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I am glad that you are back posting, but it seems that you are losing it. And as you get worse, the market sells off. you may be a great bubble indicator
July 31st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Makes me want to swerve at a homeless person in my M3 convertible on the way home from the bars. Well done.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
‘It took me like 6 hours to craft that exceptional bit of prose, but I think it turned out quite nicely.” A true baller wouldn?t give a fuck what he wrote and if he did, it certainly wouldn?t take him 6 hours to craft it. Loser.