Thursday, December 28, 2006
A Night In The Life
Dear BusinessWeek,
A friend recently sent over a link to your article “Jammin’ Like Crazy at Goldman,” a description and insider’s take on life as an investment banking analyst. Frankly, the article left much to be desired.
The young gunner you selected to write this article appears to have attended one “Indiana University.” I’m not entirely certain where or what exactly this is, but I do know that it is most definitely not a member of the Ivy League. It is remarkable, however, that in a sea of pedigree, you managed to find the one statistical outlier. I imagine that chip on his shoulder is rather cumbersome to lug around all the time, huh?
Anyway, allowing someone like that to be the voice of investment banking is like letting the football team’s kicker speak at the national press conference. It’s like putting a band’s bassist on the album cover (not Sting). It’s like letting the ESL kid give the valedictorian speech at graduation—it just doesn’t make sense, and it’s comes out sounding all wrong.
Out of respect to The Firm, I will make no further comment on the writer, I’m mostly just concerned with Banking culture being accurately portrayed. There is indeed a lot of analysis and number crunching, but I assure you this is not at all what Banking is all about. All the important aspects of the lifestyle have been entirely neglected. The article does not even mention the most significant part of life as a Banker, the true essence of Banking: the nightlife.
To help you correct this blunder, I have attached some of my own notes, which should offer you a more authentic perspective, from someone with a bit more subject matter expertise. Feel free to publish these in your next issue. To facilitate inclusion in your magazine, I have followed your “day in the life” format, but mine is (cleverly) a “night in the life.”
You do run a fine publication (no Economist, but a fine publication, nonetheless), so I hope you’ll address this issue in a speedy fashion.
The following is a usual Friday night:
8:30 p.m. – I have been working on a spreadsheet for 9 hours straight, and the carpal tunnels is setting in with a vengeance. I adjust my back pillow and curse Microsoft’s odd split keyboard contraption. The tingles are running up to my elbows.
9:30 p.m. – My friends and I have now sent upwards of 30 one line emails back and forth discussing what we are going to do tonight. There is no consensus, but one thing is agreed: it is going to be epic.
10:30 p.m. – The musky scent of Manhattan nightlife is seeping into the walls of our otherwise sterile office and entering my nose. It smells raw, unadulterated, and sexy.
10:31 p.m. – Face time is officially over. I take out my Cross pen, puncture a can of Red Bull, and shotgun it. Once I have siphoned all of the party-nectar, I put on my blazer and leave. There is always someone that has to work late and can’t go out, and I assure them that The Scene will miss them dearly.
10:40 p.m. – I am at my friend’s apartment, pre-gaming with Tuaca, Grey Goose, and other fine spirits. The clock strikes 10:45, and we are now “Rolling Hard” – banker lingo for partying.
11:30 p.m. – The five of us roll to Marquee, a throwback to last year when it was our “go-to spot.” I catch a glimpse of the welcoming orange lights from about 100 yards away, and I long to be bathed in their electric heat, if only for a moment.
The line is long, but the bouncer spots our ties (each of which costs more than his Kia) and ushers us to the front. We buy bottles.
12:30 a.m. – I dance with a hipstery looking girl. I try to impress her by telling her how American Apparel was just bought by a PE firm. The line does not work and renders her confused. She asks me what stocks she should buy. I tell her she should buy stock in me: I’m feeling bullish.
2:30 a.m. – Only 1/1000th of my bonus has been spent. I buy two more bottles.
3:00 a.m. – The club is not as cool as it used to be. We go to Scores. Lindsay Lohan is not there, unfortunately, but all of my favorite dancers are.
3:15 a.m. – We have gotten 20 lap dances and a private room, all courtesy of the little green AMEX guy. Who’s getting jammed now?
4:30 a.m. – I end up back at my apartment and pass out after two Kati Rolls. My Indian banker buddy insists on going there every single time we go out, and I back it.
8:30 a.m. – My blackberry goes off, and I have to go into work. I try to shower the stink of booze and stripper off me, but it is futile. I go into work smelling like Manhattan nightlife. I am raw, unadulterated, and sexy.
Hope this helps put things into perspective.
Logan
Related: Jammin’ Like Crazy At Goldman
December 28th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
first?love the post, thanks for all the posts and all the laughs in 2006 and we look forward to more in ?07. Cheers!
December 28th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
I savor each succulent word of every post with great anticipation. Bravo, nay bravissimo!
December 28th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Funny ass shit. I?m surprised the usual idiots haven?t posted their hate mail yet. Look forward to more in 07.
December 28th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
*kiss* keep it going sweetie
December 28th, 2006 at 8:26 pm
People like you are ruining New York. Move to Westchester and stink up that place.
December 28th, 2006 at 8:42 pm
I hope you get killed by an overzealous bouncer with a coke addiction, a mental disorder, and a >357 Magnum. Thanks for ruining my city, blueshirt!
December 28th, 2006 at 8:49 pm
aww shit! the mingling scent of hairles poon, kati rolls and sex panther. i feel dirty just imagining this.
December 28th, 2006 at 9:14 pm
’11:15 p.m. ? I reopen the Excel model I left unfinished earlier, throw on my tunes, and continue building the analysis.” let?s guess what he was listening to. i say 50 cent.
December 28th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
Green AMEX? Speak when you?ve advanced to at least platinum level.
December 28th, 2006 at 10:05 pm
yes the sweet smell of Russian/Eastern European hairless vag! Reminds me everytime of who won the cold war. You guys at Goldman are pussies! We?re gonna rock you this year in corporate softball.
December 28th, 2006 at 10:08 pm
So, how much of your christmas bonus does it take to get you laid?
December 28th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
To above: Clearly, you don?t realize that most analysts/associates make bank in the summer. Geez, back-office filth.
December 29th, 2006 at 2:05 am
‘Thanks for ruining my city, blueshirt!” identify yourself? hipster art fag or back office monkey? marketing perhaps?
December 29th, 2006 at 3:04 am
you bankers are all faggots, come to the LES and we?ll kick your asses
December 29th, 2006 at 6:39 am
Man? I wanna hang with you! I bet I can shotgun a Redbull faster than you. Finance is dull, dull, dull, but financiers are fun. That said, none of the stock-heads I cover sound as much fun as you. You should email me – I think we?d both laugh our asses off.
December 29th, 2006 at 6:54 am
It?s not that we think you need to be Nicole Dufresne?d because we?re jealous. We think you need to be Nicole Dufresne?d because you simply do. It?s just one of those, you know, truisms.
December 29th, 2006 at 7:14 am
This is irony, right? No way this could be considered fun.
December 29th, 2006 at 7:26 am
KEEP IT COMING in 07 pulllleassseeee! Oh, and to all you haters?go look up http://www.helpmewithmyCVsoicangetaproperjob.com Terrible thing envy.
December 29th, 2006 at 8:28 am
We are supposed to take this guy seriously/ Just a few words of advice: Get a real chair. Working until 10:30 on a Friday? Get a out-of-office life. Pull out a Cross Pen? mmkkkay Nice?wearing a blazer?out? on a Friday?trying to pick up a hipster chick in it. Grey Goose as a ”fine spirit”? Oh how I weep for the uninformed. I bet you thought yourself so witty with the ”small talk” of the AA buyout. Congrats jackass, if you had a chance with someone who was impressed with this, at least tell her something that wasn?t common knowledge. Instead of buying stock in you, I guess she decided to short you. Green AMEX? Why am I wasting time with this again? 20 Lapdances?when is the line crossed between a drunk jackass on a Friday night and a drunk stalker who just fueled a few strippers bad habits for the next few days. Then the closing remarks? back in to the office on a Saturday morning? nice It does help me put it all into perspective.
December 29th, 2006 at 8:29 am
what a douchebag.
December 29th, 2006 at 8:34 am
Most importantly, Scores doesn?t take AMEX.
December 29th, 2006 at 8:37 am
douche bag ??”noun a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas. [Origin: 1930??”35]
December 29th, 2006 at 9:19 am
This is obviously a joke, with a few subtle hints dropped: Cross pen? Give me a break. Did you just graduate from 8th grade? No one can tell a very expensive tie from just an expensive tie unless you see the label. For that matter, you don?t wear a tie with a ”blazer.” The only people that use the word ?pre-gaming? are Swingers wannabees.
December 29th, 2006 at 9:26 am
of course the ?typical night out? doesnt end up with you getting laid, does it. Unless that happens with your Indian friend after kati rolls? you ?back? that too?
December 29th, 2006 at 10:32 am
You are a twatwaffle. What a sad little night with you and haji, if it were even true. I?m guessing you?re average night is more along the lines of a 50 bag of yay, and hours of sweating in front of your computer, fruitlessly trolling craigslist.
December 29th, 2006 at 11:02 am
If some guy approached me in a club, dressed like that and chatted me up using those pathetic lines, I would run for the life of sweet baby jesus and never return to that club, EVER. If I had spent several hours at a strip club and went home to Koti rolls, only to awake a few hours later to return to hours of spreadsheets, I would probably make a logical decision to shoot myself, or at least cut my wrists (but not too deep) in a barely concealed cry for help. Furthermore, if I went through nights like this practically every weekend, my all-consuming passion in life would be to find a new job/get a life a.s.a.p. But that?s just me. Everybody lives under their own terms, so if it makes you happy, by all means go for it? I wish you a very happy new year, i-wanker.
December 29th, 2006 at 11:13 am
I?m with ”riiiight”: This has got to be parody. The Cross pen, the blazer, the AA pickup line, the green Amex, the trip to scores. Good stuff. That said, if it?s not? this guy?s an unimaginably giant douche. But no. It has to be. Right? And New York is already ruined. Has been for some time.
December 29th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
brings me back to the old days of flippin books and conference room dinners?..it?s amazing how much better on the ?ol social life PE is. now i got a commute, a brand new S4, a 50-hour work week, and twice as much bank as you pupils.
December 29th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
C?mon, this has to be a parody of the financial douchebags that plague NYC. The funniest above comment so far is the guy who knew that AmEx isn?t accepted at Scores. I have to admit, that made me chuckle.
December 29th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
strippers and lapdances? retarded.
December 29th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Parody or not, this is just not that funny. You are essentially a bore. What with there being so much opportunity to make fun of these banking assholes, is this the best you can do? A word of advice, don?t quit your 18 hour day job. Irony, intelligence, and humor are completely absent from the drivel you post. And for you losers out there who seem to appreciate this shit, you may just be more pathetic than the fools who write it. Stick to your spreadsheets and your strippers (which are no doubt the closest you jack offs ever come to actually getting laid.
December 29th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Cool Breeze is exactly right. And if some of the ranters had read the prior posts, they?d know it was all a complete parody. But come on, those of us who read this on a regular basis click on the same post (admit it) a few extra times just to read the douche bag comments.
December 29th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
LOL you?re the Ari Gold of the I-banking industry! lol keep it up
December 29th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
a chick?s views on an i-wanker?s life, based on what you said, and your eloquent use of language, i would guess that: 1) you?ve been burned by a banker 2) you wish you were a banker 3) you wish your impotent artist boyfriend was a banker i apologize for that banker that used you and threw you away like his freshly shotgunned redbull.
December 29th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Dear Singular Hate-Poster, Please, stop this nonsense. You are only allowed ONE(1) pedestrian post to express your inability to grasp irony. Do not attempt to create the illusion of more than one satire-deficient submental with additional posts. And no, your stuffed animal collection does not count. Not unless Captain Fluffy your favorite koala bear can Alt-E-S-V like a good little bitch intern from Colgate. I would get you a sense of humor for the holidays, but I don?t think they come in trial size.
December 29th, 2006 at 7:42 pm
i like my amex like my women?thin, black, and knows no limits?
December 30th, 2006 at 9:43 am
-a chick?s views on an i-wanker?s life Said: SH-SH-SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEETCH!
December 30th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Thanks for trying to steal my voice and sucking at it. To everyone else, check out the guy that invented this and owns at it: http://www.tuckermax.com.
December 30th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
‘?You are only allowed ONE(1) pedestrian post to express your inability to grasp irony. Do not attempt to create the illusion of more than one satire-deficient submental with additional posts?” Ha! Brilliant!
December 30th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
I just read about you in businessweek and decided to checkout your blog. After reading a couple of them, i must say that you are very creative and your portrayal of wallstreet individuals. Very funny my brothers and I had a good laugh, good job?i maintain a business blog, ( hayecapitalgroup.blogspot.com ) and its good to poke fun of our industry since we can be to uptight at times
December 30th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Cross pen – Cartier or Mont Blanc or a fucking Bic Picking up a hipster chick with a blazer? You gotta say you work at Whole Foods or some shit. They get turned off by the corporate elite.
December 30th, 2006 at 10:05 pm
I believe number one on my favorite blogs list would have to be leveragedsellout – comment sections. thanks for the laugh
December 31st, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Two comments related to article periphery: 1) In the Business Week article the Goldman guy writes that he works on projects involving ”real-time issues that corporations face today.” Can someone give an example of a non-real-time issue corporations face today? 2) One of the posters above asked that the author be killed with a ”>357 Magnum”. Presumably by ”>” he meant ”.” and mistyped, but the former is much funnier.
January 1st, 2007 at 1:35 pm
What the HELL was that day-in-the-life piece? God help us. He gets his jollies seeing in the headlines deals on which he has worked? Great. Also, the cliche tach rammed into the red line by about paragraph two. Goldman?s analysts really suck. This douchebag will be heard in two years as follows: Op: Bitch hell Doshi, from Goldman Sachs, you are on the line. Analyst: That?s Bijel. Thank you. Good morning, guys, great quarter. Co: Morning Bijel, thank you. Analyst: Uh, had a question on margins for the upcoming quarter. Your incremental margin last quarter looked low by about three basis points. How should we think about that? Thanks!
January 1st, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I used to look forward to posts on this blog. Sad to say, but they?re getting less and less funny, and that?s a shame.
January 2nd, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Did anyone read the original article? 30 minute coffee break, 1.5 hour gym break, and arriving to work at 10:00am? This guy should be fired immediately.
January 2nd, 2007 at 2:00 pm
There appears to be a lot of anger and hate generated by this ”joke” article (come on – it?s obvious). I am guessing that if you got angry you are either someone who can?t see a joke for what it is or you work in this industry and can?t take a joke. That is seriously sad and bad for your health. Nice article? by the way.
January 2nd, 2007 at 2:45 pm
‘Goldmananalystsaredouches Said:” Hey dumbass, How about you figure out the difference between investment banking and equity research before making a retarded comment, mkay? Thanks.
January 2nd, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Goldmananalystsaredouches actually said: ”This douchebag will be heard in two years as follows:” I?m assuming that the analyst (Bitch Hell) is already at least in his first year and Goldmananalystsaredouches was deriding the future career of this young go-getter: Sell-side Analyst (not a pretty thought.) I thought Goldman?s post was almost funnier than the article.
January 3rd, 2007 at 12:09 am
It?s true, Scores does not take AMEX? Balla!