Sunday, May 7, 2006

HOW TO: Get a Banker Chick (for the non-banker guy)

The female banker is an odd yet intriguing creature. She works 80-100 hour weeks, perpetually talks likes she’s job interviewing, and is obsessed with fashion magazines and teeny-bopper television shows. But, despite her eye-gouge-inducing personality and conformist tastes, she has many attractive qualities. She is rich, usually quite attractive or at least has an eating disorder, and has very few available hours with which to cling and bitch and nag. Quite ideal, no?

So what can you do to pierce the incestuous bubble of Wall Street, you ask? What can you do to get one of these chicks to give you a ride in a black car instead of you having to convince Mr. Singh to let you share a cab with 8 of your friends? Check it.

Where to Find Them

Banker chicks are almost always hanging out in one of a few, crowded, Best-of-Sheckys type spots. People in finance are either not concerned with hipness or are just really delusional, no one knows. Regardless, follow the long lines and shitty music, and you’ll find yourself flanked by Fulton Street foxes.

Go To:

  1. Shitty bars in Murray Hill/Turtle Bay (Joshua Tree (innovatively petnamed “J-Tree”), Sutton Place, Bar 12 , etc.).
    1. Thought process: “Oooh, 80’s music…”

  1. Clubs/lounges that were hip several years ago (PM, Marquee, APT, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “How elite!”
  1. “Accessible” Village/LES spots (Le Souk, B-Bar, Fiddlesticks, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “Let’s go slummin’”
  1. Frattastic bars in the UES (Brother Jimmy’s, Tin Lizzies, The Big Easy, Dorian’s, etc.).
    1. Thought process: “It’s right next door.”
  1. Equinox.
    1. Thought process: “Must fuck MD.”

How to Act

Girls in banking are like wilted flowers. They were once vibrant, intelligent, and full of energy. They once dominated their peers in school and were part of the most elite social circles. Now, they are drones devoid of self-confidence and social nothings. This, while tragic, is a very favorable turn of events for you. Flex your own security while making them feel good about their sorry existences, and the Thomas Pink panties will be all yours.


  1. DO NOT: Talk about Finance. These girls don’t know/care about their jobs or that you read Freakonomics and thought it was neat.
  2. DO NOT: Try to pretend like you’re in finance. Said chicks are surrounded by the witless monkeys all day long. Anything in the universe is more interesting than being in finance (except the service industry, NEVER say you’re in the service industry).
  3. DO: Make sure to say you’re successful at what you say you do. “Struggling,” or “Just getting started,” or “Having a great internship at a design studio” is not going to cut it up in this shit.
  4. DO NOT: EVER mention Brooklyn. Despite how much social currency your loft off the Bedford L might afford you elsewhere, this is strongly discouraged. Mr. Shpigelman’s living there did not make it any more acceptable; even an entire brownstone in Brooklyn Heights doesn’t mean diddly to these ladies.

And if none of these things works, just try putting up an ad for their dream job on Craigslist:

Associate Brand Strategist for Major Fashion Company

Reply to:

Date: 2006-04-04, 11:25PM EDT

Looking for a hard-working, slim, energetic female to come on board in the brand strategy group for a large fashion conglomerate (think Ralph Lauren, LV, etc.). In need of a real go-getter to get up to speed quickly. Must have both strong quantitative/analytical and creative skills. Experience in investment banking, strategy consulting required.

Call at .

Job location is MANHATTAN

no — Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
no — Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
no — Commercial bankers is NOT OK
no — PATH Riders is NOT OK
no — Swaying back and forth instead of grinding on the dance floor is NOT OK (flexible on this one)
no — Going to dinner with me and then just trying to cuddle all night is NOT OK
no — Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

That should get the attention of the girls you’re looking for.


132 comments for this post.

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  1. +41 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    As a member of the Banker Chick club, let me offer another suggestion Where To Find Them: Starbucks. Either in the morning (thought process: Must. Caffeinate. For 16+ hour day.) or lunch (thought process: skim milk chai latte, it?s meal replacement in a venti cup, motivated by colleagues with major ?junk in the trunk?, no way in hell I?m going to pudge out like that). Particularly midtown, the lines are huge which gives ample time for making a move. Once, I had a 10 minute date with a guy right there at the sugar-station, we really had a connection.

  2. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Some guys go for models, I go for banker babes ? they are sooooo amazing, smart, slender, drink like champs?Just my type. I usually meet em on 3rd ave. in Murray Hill, so perfect. I especially love the second tier banker chicks?they really love guys like me, from my slicked back hair to my chain, to my winning accent. They even love the fact that I?m from Jersey. Deep down I feel like second tier banker chicks are really Jersey girls in NYC bodies.

  3. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Craig?s List parody = Phenomenal

  4. -2 votes + -
    fairest Said:

    bro they?re just jersey girls with jersey bodies. nothing wrong with that. what do you think they?re doing in murray hill?

  5. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Craiglist Ad = A+. Right on spot!

  6. -2 votes + -
    Brian Said:

    Oh, so cute ”Banker Chick club member,” taking yourself so seriously. Though I know you are legit; you were able to work in the amount of hours you work in the first 2 sentences. Kudos!

  7. -1 votes + -
    copyranter Said:

    Thomas Pink makes panties? Oh shit, I just ruined my chances, didn?t I?

  8. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This list works for Corporate Lawyer Chicks too.

  9. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I love jersey bodies ? but they don?t have jersey hair?.no one can beat jersey hair? and jersey cows?best milk ever.

  10. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Let me offer another tip: if you are trying to guess said ”banker chicks” profession- never under any circumstances say she looks like she works in Finance- or even worse in Accounting. This happened to me the other night and I nearly threw my drink on the poor sap.

  11. +15 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    More insight? Why not. Girls in banking have pear-shaped figures: lumpy bum and curvy top. Their curvy tops are a sad reminder of their past while their huge bottoms, a result of too many firm expensed dinners in their cubicles. [Make sure to compliment on their great figure] Naturally, many girl bankers will resort to a strict Manhattan diet: Diet Cranberry goose, 2 lines of yayo and salads and salads and salads. And don?t forget dressing on the side. Though girl bankers make bank, not one of them have ever turned down a diet goose or a line. [You want to play, remember to pay] Remember, her long lonely hours in the cube will make her a easier prey than the average slut in the bar.

  12. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Upsettingly accurate – I am one.

  13. +1 votes + -
    bankelele Said:

    nice tips: You?re right about not talking finance with them and having enough moolah of your own

  14. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What about a private equity chick? They are very rare subset of the banker chick.

  15. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    As part of that rare subset of ”private equity” chicks – I can say all of the above applies, especially the struggle between dieting and the really expensive dinners. And another tip, if you?re trying to get your game on, always guess above where you think she actually works?if you think she?s a second tier banker chick, ask her if she works at a bulge bracket?if you think she?s a first tier banker chick, ask her if she works in private equity?hey, we?ve got to get our kicks from somewhere.

  16. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Private Equity Chick = Even lumpier bum, even more desperate, even more yayo?

  17. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Just 2 lines of yayo?

  18. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i dont know what the hell you jokers are talking about. regardless of what you might think of private equity, there?s nothing more miserable or detrimental to a girl?s looks/personality/life/soul than banking

  19. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Banker chicks are not attractive. Whatever hipster wrote this article is most likely not attractive. Banker chicks and the author of this article are the same; not as intelligent as they think, wildly insecure and grasping at social mores in attempt to give themelves a personality that they don?t actually have.

  20. -12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I agree with the comment immediately above this one.

  21. +38 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Someone finally did it, some dumb ass always assumes in a post the author is telling a real story, and not satire and belittling the banking profession. Then criticizes him for believing what he is actually mocking. To the author keep up the good work, it is actually more enjoyable seeing the responses from these morons.

  22. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To the poster right above me?I was waiting on that token angry person to make a fiery comment as well hahaha

  23. +17 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Banker chicks are so hot ? the part I love the most is when they scream out financial terms in bed. Who doesn?t go crazy hearing a girl scream out EBITDA/Fixed charge coverage ratio/PIK interest? Out in public, nothing makes my libido go crazy like a conversation about bone vs. ecru cards at Dorsia.

  24. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Here is an interesting thought; we all know about banker and pe chicks from the above postings; but what about faux-banker chicks (not those at a boutique or third tier firm) but those in say research? How do you score one of those? Any thoughts?

  25. +28 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    umm?to the guy who asked about research chicks?why would you want to ”score one of those” are you a consultant?

  26. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Another great place to meet banker chicks is on a pretentious, NYC hipster/scenester blog, trying to find out about whats going on in life outside of Bloomberg.

  27. +1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    So you want a banker girl? How can this blog be complete without a thorough discussion on Udon Noodle Soup? Banker hoes L-O-V-E Udon noodle soup because it?s just like them: An emaciated, white, bland peace of Tofu, surrounded by other Udon sisters waiting to be gulped down by someone with a severely suppressed palate?Sounds like a job for our eating disorder laden Banker Chick!

  28. +22 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I am a consultant and real bankers are out of my league. Any suggestions on the aforementioned ”research chick?”

  29. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    banker chics are insecure and have no concept of what a relationship is? they always put work ahead of their friends, then when they feel alone they bitch and wine that something is wrong but they don?t know what? the listener tries to tell them what they are doing wrong, mainly a) selling their souls, b) being fake and c) refusing to listen, but the banker chic naturally ignores what you say and continues down the rabbit hole. god bless them.

  30. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    tell her you?re a banker ? she?ll finally feel validated about her existence?

  31. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m two for three on the successful artist bit. I think for every four Banker Chicks there is one that used to be a ”singer-songwriter” (whatever that means), a photographer, made her own earings when she was 17, etc. They know they?ve sold out pretty hard, and have come to terms with that. But when presented with an opportunity to prove to themselves that they still have their artistic side and can converse with creative, non-finance people, they jump at it. The ”photographer for Men?s Journal”, ”Drummer in a band thats touring with Interpol”, or ”owner of a small mandolin manufacturer on Long Island)” bits are all worth a shot. Sure, 3 out of 4 will probably be thoroughly uninterested, but that one girl- you know, the one who like Garden State- she?s in.

  32. +33 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    As a ”banker chick” at a bulge bracket ibank, I proclaim with absolute certainty that 99% of PEOPLE in ibanking (men included) are insecure, bitchy, border-line psychotic, always acting like they are menstruating, and completely lacking in evidence of humanity. I was an English major in college, came to Wall Street, and realized that I made the biggest mistake of my life. To the laypeople out there: stay away from us if you know what?s good for you. Save yourselves.

  33. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    werd. this post rocks.

  34. +12 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Forgot to mention that iBanker chicks come with lovely dark circles as well. Of course, SHE?s in control of YOUR sex life because you ain?t getting any during her work days. Only reason she would be shouting financial terms during sex is because she?s actually modeling on her Dell laptop, multitasking?Her focus is somewhere else DUMBASS! For an iBanker guy, you would want the complete opposite, a girl who provides beer after work, cooks, cleans and drops you off work in the morning. Of course, she?s mad hot, got nice tattoos and horny 24/7. And you?re in control of your sex life since you can BS your way out of some nights by blaming the bank hours. NOW YOU?RE REALLY BANKING!!! You can find these chicks at the same places mentioned in the article, but head straight to the bar and tip HIGH!!!

  35. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Many amazingly sad statements made here that do a good job of perpetuating the already doomed progression of the female banker. A wonder how banking makes females ”devoid of self-confidence and social nothings” while it does just the opposite for male bankers (masters in their own mind). -Irate, Wilted ”Banker Chick”

  36. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    let me unwilt you sweetheart. e-mail me? my name is dan ? e-mail in prior posting (on bottle service)

  37. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    this is funny and all, but I have worked in banking for 4 years of my life and the next attractive ”banker chick” I see will be the first!!

  38. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    where do consultant chicks fall on the social hierarchy?

  39. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Any girl willing to go into banking in the first place is either dumb or psycho. And no girl would get the job if she was that dumb. I dated two banker chicks and would never do it again. They seem hot but, then again, you?re a guy reading, your standards have been severely lowered over the span of your pitiful career so far. You see nothing but guys 95% of the time, no wonder anything with breasts automatically looks hot and has a great personality. Well, as a great man once said, a good personality consists of a chick with a little hardbody who will satisfy all sexual demands without being too slutty about things and who will essentially keep her dumb f*#&@ mouth shut. Banker girls do not (keep their mouths shut). The only thing saving you from their all the emotion/aggression/general psycho-ness that has been pent-up over the course of their unsatisfied, overachieving lives is their lack of free time to bitch about it. Get your restraining orders ready. Senior bankers have been there, so learn from their mistakes and follow their example: find yourself a teacher-chick, non-profit chick or artsy-chick.

  40. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Did you read The Shitshow post?? Question answered.

  41. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    the only thing these comments say is that none of you people are really in banking, but are ghoulishly fascinated by it and the rumors surrounding the job and lifestyle. i?m a banker chick. I have a boyfriend, friends, looks personality, and a life. and oh yeah, a fat paycheck too. can?t wait for you to tear my 4 lines into shreds, so you can feel better about yourselves?

  42. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    that was really a declasse comment above. says a lot about you as a person.

  43. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    How about a new update? :]

  44. -4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The chicks that want to enter into corpfin from my school have no souls or personalities. This girl gave me her number, and when I tried calling her, she never picked up. Just kind of avoided me. Most of the biz majors here, guys and girls included, only think in terms of quantified results. Grow a personality. Seriously. Saddens me. :[

  45. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This blog is a great parody of banking, but too many people who read it think that all banking is exactly like this. A lot of intelligent and ambitious people work in the profession, especially in top-tier banks, and it would be foolish to discredit them all as ”having no personality.” Deriding some of the excesses of banking is fun, but keep the larger picture in mind and for god?s sake stop thinking that every single person going into banking is an incorrigible asshole.

  46. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This site is so wrong!!! After 3 months banking, no banker chick has a butt like the one shown in the picture. Trust me, I know from experience there is cellulite EVERYWHERE.

  47. +26 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Clearly the last blogger hasn?t seen my ass then, which after 2 years banking can still double as a fairly good nut-cracker. Tip for young players: Banker chicks are smart. You have to be smarter. Whether that means intellectually smarter, that you can juggle 10 balls in one hand, or that you can discuss in depth the political climate of every country on the African continent, you need to provide the banker chick with something she doesn?t already have. Which is not much. Good luck

  48. -8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To: the above poster You?re absolutely correct (that your ass is probably ugly), but your ugly ass will be sitting in an Ivy MBA program in a year or two.

  49. +2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    There?s chicks in private equity? No way?

  50. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    yea and they are uglier, fatter, and have worse personalities than banker chicks? and you don?t even want to go near the trader/hedge fund chicks?those girls are just dudes without?.

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