Thursday, September 8, 2005

The Boutique

By the cocktail bar at a friend’s pre-game on 58th and 8th

The tall, blond, athletic young man presented himself first. “Hi. I’m Prescott Moncrief,” he said, extending his hand with a well-practiced smile and MBA eye-lock, still debating whether he ought to have included his roman numeral (III) in his introduction.

“Sup man, I’m Todd,” responded the other, grabbing Prescott’s formally outstretched hand around the thumb, forcefully wringing it, and releasing it with a loud snap that only he had generated. Todd then used the same hand to clumsily tuck in the loose pieces of his non-slim-fit shirt into his slightly baggy, pleated trousers and unsuccessfully balanced a dip-cup in the other.

“So Todd, what do you do here in the city?” inquired Prescott, regaining comfort but still frazzled by the urban handshake. He couldn’t help but feel awkward as he shuffled his feet trying to dodge the stray dip-splitlets that might sully his new driving shoes.

“I work for a boutique investment bank,” responded Todd cockily, smirking and now pulling up his pants over his temporarily retreated beer-gut, illustrating that this was one of those hardcore New York male-anorexia and exercise weeks. He would be spilling out of pants next week no problem after this weekend’s depression-gorge.

“Oh I see.” replied Prescott as if the pieces had started to fall together. “I work in finance too. I work at Goldman Sachs,” replied Prescott, suppressing the urge to rip Todd’s to bits. He had just put together Todd’s life story:

Todd grew up in a wealthy family in upstate New York or Connecticut, went to a state school (Tufts/Northwestern included) or tier-two Ivy like Cornell or PENN where he was a 3.0-3.3 GPA econ major and borderline drug addict. Nearing graduation, he incessantly tried to interview with every bank on The Street, cold calling the ones that didn’t even respond to his pathetic resume, and then botched the few interviews he actually managed to get by forgetting the impact of goodwill on net income. Finally, dear daddy the saviour swooped in and landed Toddkins a position at aforementioned “boutique,” where he has since toiled obsequiously under the tutelage of has-been DLJ washouts.

Todd paused and collected himself. “Yeah, I mean, I just really wanted to be closer to the deals, you know. Get more exposure.”

“Yes, of course. Very understandable,” replied Prescott, feigning belief and interest. He told himself he was above mocking his feeble conversation partner, but he could not resist. “So, done any big mergers lately? I hear Joe’s Deli bought a liquor store in The Bronx.” Prescott snickered.

Todd instantaneously turned fire red. The chip on his shoulder was throbbing so hard it was actually starting to appear as a translucent mass. “F*ck you man. We just did a huge IPO of this trucking company in Ohio!” retorted Todd angrily, instantaneously realizing the idiocy of his statement. He muttered something, fumbling to recover, and then finally got out, “Well, I work really closely with our partners who have great connections in the industry!”

Prescott just shook his head in disbelief. Here was a perfectly good factory worker trying to live outside his “position.” What a shame. “Todd,” Prescott said calmly. “I’m going to refrain from further ruining your few hours away from the testosterone-driven madhouse you call work. Actually, I think I hear your out of date, boxy Blackberry going off right now. That’s your MD. I think he wants you to bring him another coffee. But keep ‘trucking,’ they might even promote you to Excel next month!” Prescott paused, allowing the gravity of his insight and the wittiness of his pun to sink into Todd’s soul. Then he smugly snickered again, basking in his pedigree.

“And I’m going to do you one more favor,” continued Prescott, unable to restrain himself. He reached into his pocket and removed his wallet. He flipped it open and grandiosely pulled out a fresh ivory business card with razor-sharp corners [hear: American Psycho sound effect]. The light shined regally off the aqua and white emblem. Holding it between his index and middle finger, Prescott concluded, “Here. Take this and put it in your wallet. Maybe then you’ll know what it’s like to work at a real bank. And maybe you’ll finally be able to pull a half-decent girl instead of that hog over there waiting for you.” And with that he flicked the card in Todd’s face and turned away sharply, masterfully slapping Todd in the face with the swooping sleeve of the sweater tied around his neck.

Todd could do nothing more than gape into the space Prescott had just occupied. Memories of mediocrity inundated and paralyzed him. Images of report card’s with B’s, mid 1300 SATs sheets, cute face but overweight girls, and trophy chests with only JV letters ricocheted off his mind’s eye and piled together in one big sub-par hunk. Then the logic hit him like a blow to the gut—he was mediocre and so boutique investment banks must be too. The one thing he had thought separated him from the schmoes actually just illustrated how schmoe he really was. He sunk to his knees and let his head and prematurely thinning hair fall into his hands. He was a joke.

*Moral: “Boutique” may be a “hip” sounding word, but remember: boutiques are cool in SoHo…not in Midtown.

61 comments for this post.

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  1. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I must say..this is hilarious but quite mean but boutiques ARE better off in soho.

  2. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    his name is logan moncrief – not prescott moncrief?

  3. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Your sute is off the hook? -MS IBD

  4. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Check out the link below. It?s the answer to ?if I suck enough c*ck, can I get into Harvard or Stanford?? Apparently, yes.

  5. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    funny, but my only qualm is that boutique doesn?t mean ”crappy.” Lazard, for example, is a boutique.

  6. +8 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    so are blackstone and greenhill

  7. +24 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I work for a highly respected PEG. While it is not always the case, we find that analysts from boutiques are typically more qualified and better prepared to make the transition to a PEG. There is often truth to the assertion that boutique analysts are closer to the deal, with skill sets more heavily weighted towards the actual deal process and strategic rationale rather than simply being skilled at financial modeling and valuation analyses. For example, they are more likely to be familiar with the structure of a stock purchase agreement, something bulge bracket analysts never get exposure to.

  8. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m going to kill myself now -TWP

  9. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    in what world did Penn/Wharton become tier-two?

  10. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    in the world we call earth. i guess only a tier 2 would even think penn is in the same tier as harvard/stanford

  11. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    right, harvard?s reknowned for its undergrad finance program?that?s why it ranks so highly every year?whatever jackass..

  12. +20 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Pedigrees aren?t that important in the scheme of things. I went to state-run schools for both high school and college, and work at one of the PE shops this blogger ”swoons” about in another post. I came from consulting, not a bulge bracket bank. Truth of the matter is, GS is well represented, but GS analysts are still less than 15% of incoming associates at top-tier funds. As it turns out, buyout shops (and hedge funds, for that matter) are more interested in seeing how you think that what your resume says (although I?ll concede a decent resume is required to get the interview). This post is a damn funny play on stereotypes, I?ll give you that.

  13. -17 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    To the sucker who says pedigree isn?t important: it is by no means everything, but it is important. Just because you came from a miserable career like consulting and stumbled your way into PE in a bull market doesn?t mean others should be advised similarly. Also, is GS is 15% of incoming analysts at big PE shops, that?s pretty high. Probably higher representation that the consulting firm you were at, or Kentucky State as well.

  14. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Funny! More!

  15. -3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    I?m an engineer and have more brainpower in the end of my 8? (around) dick than in your total body?I read this website at work that involves THINKING and using my BRAIN?something you imbeciles forgot years ago?

  16. -11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The person who wrote this story is obviously some wasp douche bag from CT who went to Yale?. and talks with a retarted accent that sounds like he is hissing through his teeth. I wonder where this shallow loser will be in 5 years- probably a divorced, cocaine adict, who if he hasnt been fired in a bear market is still an excell monkey with no social life sucking his MD?s cock, and miserably depressed?.. get a life, you dont bring yourself up by putting others down.

  17. -1 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    there are too many midgets standing on the shoulders of giants so you shouldn?t vest any authority in someone?s business card. i can?t stand the attitude that because someone works for a successful firm they are genetically superior. look at the impact that mnuchin, mezzacappa, kahn, murphy, etc had on wall street in the trading area. everyone else has ridden coat tails?

  18. -18 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    This site is hilarious! I don?t work in finance and don?t have ”pedigree.” But I probably make many times what anybody who reads this site will ever earn (>$1m). I have net worth well into the seven figures and am under 30. Watch your back Harvard boy or I?ll F your money hungry girlfriend.

  19. +23 votes + -
    theluckyones Said:

    I went to a below average school ?UGA, and work at a boutique Investmennt Bank. I need help with my options. Should I a)Take a knife and run into it a bunch of times, or b) jump of the roof of my building? any help would be appreciated. Thanks, degenerate.

  20. +25 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Found this site today and its funny as hell but have to comment on this post. I work for a large hedge fund and we?ve hired and fired a few guys from bulge-bracket firms but not one from a boutique bank yet. The analysts we bring in who worked for boutiques are a lot better than anyone we?ve gotten from Goldman or CS. My top analyst came from Gleacher, another one from a small M&A advisory firm you probably never heard of. These guys actually KNOW HOW TO DO DEALS! Unless you were a BSD on a major prop desk at Goldman, don?t expect anyone to respect the fact that you chose to go be a useless excel/powerpoint junkie at a major bank. At any good hedge fund or PE shop the focus is on making deals, something only the top guys at big banks know how to do but even analysts and associates at boutiques do.

  21. +13 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    GS sucks. I am a trader/analyst at a hedge fund, and I can tell you GS is full of snobby idiots. They suck at execution, and their sales desks can?t tell you shit. Their reasearch is produced solely to push deals. Look at the GS top 10 picks and you?ll see they had banking biz in half of them. Boutiques suck even more, though. They truth is that sell-side is for chumps, buy side is the only palce to be. If you?re over 25 and still on sell side, I pity you.

  22. +9 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    why do you retards get so worked up over something that?s meant to be offensive and humorous? only pathetic finance scum (myself included) take themselves so seriously.

  23. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    do any of you finance ladies have a penis? it?s called ”humor”, Flintstone.

  24. -5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i must say, this one is spot on. i work at an ”emerging growth” investment bank and while i actually did very well at a top 5 lib arts school, everything else fits to a T. and i rock that blackberry as well. good job.

  25. +7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Didn?t Harvard just fire one of the greatest financial/economic minds on the face of the planet? Because he wouldn?t let a professor waste time being a rapper? Elitist, leftist douche bags

  26. +4 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    you all make working in finance seem like it is the most defining thing in your lives. to be honest, get a life. and yes, analysts at boutiques are closer to the deal. but, depending on the credebility of the firm will determine the advantage. a small boutiqe bank that is basically a pipe house will work with the shitiest of clients and therefore the execution skills are bullshit.

  27. -23 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:


  28. -7 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    First of all, I?ve been around Wall street for years and I know everything. Penn is the finest undergraduate and graduate institution. The Merrill Lynch Leveraged Finance Group is the best place to work if you are going to work at a bulge bracket firm. And if you want to go boutique, make sure you are working at Piper Jaffray in their Restructuring Advisory Group. This is the best site ever.

  29. +6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    You rag on consulting for not being a banking background, but you?re totally missing the way things really work. Its not about what you do pre-PE, it?s about what tier you?re on. Top tier banking (e.g., the bulge guys) or top tier consulting (Bain/BCG/MCK) all have superior shots at getting into top tier PE funds, because its a really easy way to ensure you end up with the brightest, not just some kid with good intentions.

  30. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Wow? Thats all I can say. I have never seen anyone define themselves so much be their career. This post redefines the word ”existential failure”.

  31. +38 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    i went to a community college, i invented poptarts, and i live in a 50 million dollar house. yea

  32. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Lol very funny article. I went to a state school and work in a boutique. I must say though, Mr. Goldman here doesn?t realize that goodwill has no effect on net income because it is no longer amortized.

  33. +5 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Yah, dude? pretty sure that?s the whole point of the goodwill/net income question – to see if you know it no longer has an impact. Picking up on things so quickly must have been what landed you that sweet botique job, huh?

  34. +11 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Anyone who gets angry as a result of these articles is a complete loser. Get a life. It is a satirical website that is quite funny to anyone with a sense of humor. You probably still get angry whenever you see someone making fun of your favorite teenage band N?Sync.

  35. -6 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Funny article. I?m not sure if the author has ever seen a Goldman business card though. They don?t have the aqua logo on the card (it?s silver) and the card isn?t ivory (it?s off-white).

  36. +16 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Private equity is a great business: we all raise a lot of money all at the same time, and realize that we all have to put that money to work at the same time. So we compete to buy the same dog shit companies and end up over paying and using too much leverage, or we do this long term value-destroying public to private to public arbitrage. Either way, we don?t really create value. Except for the vulture investors. We definitely create value for them. Because when the next hiccup in the economy happens, our equity check gets wiped out when we default on all the debt we put on the aforementioned shitty company and the sub debt holders take us to the cleaners and end up owning the company for pennies on the dollar. And then the vulture guys flip it back to us post-reorg, at which point we overpay for it again. What a business model! We are definitely the smartest guys on Wall Street. Welcome to PE!!!!!!!

  37. +14 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    Have you guys ever thought about starting your own business instead of being a slave for the corporation of your choice. You make it seem like Goldman is the best place to be on Earth. The real deal is your ass will be outsourced unless you make partner.

  38. +1 votes + -
    London PE Said:

    You guys are so amusing. Chill out for a second, will you?

  39. -27 votes + -
    Pestonjee Said:

    Jeit, logein, ic?ci to oupere sirf mazane ke liye he. To housne outhraiye ye seub yi bas caume par chalane! Lequin s?ougere aoupe ko ”BSD” nahine he, to pir mou?je ne pouqare.

  40. -2 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    What about PIPE bankers?

  41. 0 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ‘Images of report cards with Bs” Nice punctuation. I assume by saying PENN you mean the College, not Wharton. (Otherwise that would be fucking retarded).

  42. -9 votes + -
    Anthony Said:

    You are all fucking tools who should be lined up against a wall and be shot. In hs you were all losers, and think that if you make more money in your twenties you can make up for psychological scars you all have. Don?t kill yourselves. Don?t argue. Just fucking realize that you?re a tool. You?re a goddamn puppet for someone, and you think you?re on top of the world. And no one gives a fuck if you make more money.

  43. +15 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    The ultimate goal should be a job that: 1) makes you happy, 2) allows you to do what you want in your free time, and (most importantly): 3) gives you the free time to actually enjoy your life Doubtful that many on here even realize that, based on the fact that most fail to realize this site is written satirically. Sad.

  44. +20 votes + -
    Gopal Said:

    Anthony?s girlfriend sure gave a fuck that I made more money than him when I met her at Cain this past weekend.

  45. +15 votes + -
    dealmaker71 Said:

    Minus the fact that Gopal couldn?t get it up from all the coke he snorted that night.

  46. 0 votes + -
    anonymous Said:

    This is some of the funniest shit I have ever read.

  47. -4 votes + -
    the dj Said:

    Pestonjee Said: January 8th, 2007 at 2:29 am Jeit, logein, icci to oupere sirf mazane ke liye he. To housne outhraiye ye seub yi bas caume par chalane! Lequin sougere aoupe ko BSD??? nahine he, to pir mouje ne pouqare. WHAT THE FCK DID HE SAY???? whatever, yo? I?ll just go get my CFP, take IBanker?s money and plan out their retirement, work 40 hours a week and at my own leisure? I?m fine!

  48. +3 votes + -
    Anonymous Said:

    ?cash rules everything around me?.

  49. +5 votes + -
    Great stuff Said:

    Love this website, just stumbled upon it! With regard to boutiques, there is a humongous difference between them! I know several people who turned down GS/MS/etc for places like Lazard/Rothschild/Blackstone!

  50. -1 votes + -
    Australian Banker in London Said:

    Gold. There are so many truths here. This blog is almost as funny as my Melbourne mortgage broker friend-of-a-friend who was telling me about the ”investment banking deal” closed at some two-bit Collins St firm that he worked for that involved lending AUD400K of mezz finance to a local property developer. Classic Yes, these losers really do exist

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