Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ex-Investment Banker and pending Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel says America lacks “attention to detail.”
Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emannuel, an ex-Managing Director at the investment banking firm Wasserstein Perella, issued first his public statement, expressing frustration with America’s lack of “attention to detail.”
“Sloppy…” said Emmanuel, shaking his head in disgust as he inspected a stack of Congratulations cards sent to his office by a class of local schoolchildren. “This is what’s wrong with America,” insisted Rahmbo, as he’s been nicknamed for his tenacity. He pointed to a flag drawn crudely with crayon, containing only 12 stripes. “Right here,” he explained, before methodically ripping the card in half.
Emmanuel has also reportedly taken a red marker to many government documents, underlining, crossing out, and writing “are you fucking kidding me?!” all over various propositions, memos, and existing statutes. He is already looking to create a national font, somewhere between Bill of Rights and Helvetica, and an associated palette and template to be used for all “books,” as he has begun referring to legal codes.
“It starts with the details” is his ethos, obviously ingrained into him from his stint in finance. And he has a plan to correct these issues—several times a day, he can be heard in his office screaming: “Could somebody get me a fucking Analyst in here?”
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November 19th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Nice!
November 19th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Awesome
November 19th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Oh my God, this takes me back to first year…
Although it is because of such harsh demands of perfection that I make sure to do things like capitalize the “G” in “God”.
That’s the beauty of being a financier, though. We become masters of all things (not just people, but disciplines as well). We have a far more capable command of the English language than any of those liberal arts PhDs, could demolish any of those neckbeard math majors in computing cash flows, all while pulling more ass than a donkey hearse.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Boooooo, you know what’s sloppy your columns. Your writing skills have clearly suffered from this market meltdown…
November 19th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Attention to detail? How about spelling “Emanuel” correctly?
November 19th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
hillarious
November 19th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Great stuff
November 19th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Great post as always!
November 20th, 2008 at 9:47 am
nice. keep it coming.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:55 am
funny
November 20th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Enjoy your socialism bitches! Head for Dubai, NO taxes (although there is some talk about a 3-5% income tax, no problem at all), and yes, there are bottles & models.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Hey Genius, That is part of the joke!!!
Anonymous Said:
November 19th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Attention to detail? How about spelling “Emanuel” correctly?
November 21st, 2008 at 2:11 am
“Could somebody get me a fucking Analyst in here?” - great stuff!
November 21st, 2008 at 2:23 am
Hey Packing for Dubai, have fun living in a tacky fundamentalist Islamic nation (Emirate?) where premarital sex is technically illegal and women wear those burka things everywhere they go. I’m sure you’ll love going to hookah bars to drink tea and socialize with fugly Midwestern girls and Sri Lankan “guest workers.” I, on the other hand, will continue ballin’ here in NYC despite our failing financial system and socialist-leaning Treasury Department. Banking job or not, I’ll refrain from pussing out like yourself and leaving the greatest urban area in the world for hell on earth. No models or bottles where you’re going, pal.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Lots of bottles and models in Dubai…. Ignoranus..
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Hey ‘Packing for Dubai’, you’re in for a shock when you get to Dubai. It’s a ‘dry’ state, douchebag.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:24 am
You all are idiots. Dubai is not a “dry” state and is the most liberal place in the Middle East, by far. Lots of bars/clubs and lots of places to buy alcohol — hell, they sell it in duty free shops at the airports. Nearly every hotel in Dubai has its own bar or club. Ever heard of Buddha Bar? There’s one in Dubai.
Before you douchebags start calling other people douchebags, why don’t you try doing a bit of research?
November 24th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Rahmbo ” Are you fucking kidding me” great stuff.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:08 am
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/11/18/news/ML-Dubai-Sex-on-Beach.php
Idiot.
This couple pled guilty to “drinking.” Each was fined 181 pounds.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:32 am
white people shoudln’t act like they know anything about other cultures, packinfordubai is right, you all are ignorant fools
“Similarly, the sale of alcoholic beverages is regulated. A liquor permit is required to purchase alcohol; however, alcohol is available in bars and restaurants within four or five star hotels.” - wikipedia for Dubai entry referencing
http://www.marketnewzealand.com/common/files/dubai-cg.pdf
your article about the couple says public drunkenness, probably similar to public intoxication here in the US, not banning all drinking
November 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Dubai-not really the most liberal in the middle east. Go to turkey or even israel-both have better looking girls.
November 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
” the most liberal place in the Middle East”
That’s like saying, “the wealthiest Wachovia commodities trader”
November 24th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I spend a month in Dubai for a project, and while it is the most liberal area in the Middle East, it is a FAR cry from what New Yorkers (or rather, anybody from the US) will expect. The media paints it as the new-age haven for the rich and famous, but the region is still mired in old-school tradition. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but don’t expect the “models and bottles” lifestyle unless you’re part of the royal family (Ha, hypocrisy at its best). The clubs, the woman, the lifestyle, etc. are VERY conservative.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Actually, the link Lawgirl provided says that the couple pled guilty to having sex outside of marriage, among a slew of other bullshit “crimes.”
Seriously, if you’re dumb enough to be fooled by Dubai’s glitzy Vegas-style exterior, then you deserve to live there.
Packing for Dubai, I fully agree that you should go live in the desert since you clearly can’t hack it in the greatest city in the world.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
i remember seeing a news report about the rampant prostitution industry
505 did you catch any of that when you were over there?
November 24th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I have a feeling your one month over there isn’t enough to make a judgement….maybe you just weren’t looking in the right places
November 25th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Think about it: NYC is one of the most liberal places on Earth, you’ll find so much diversity in every aspect (from the richest to the poorest zip codes in the country).
Dubai doesn’t even know what it is yet. It’s still a work in progress.
The country is Islamic? So what? If you can tolerate constant arid heat, not wearing shorts in public, and are not viewed as lower class based on race, you’ll do fine. Just don’t do anything overtly offensive to the religion (e.g. drunken sex on a beach).
Try it out! It could be better than NYC (especially as time goes on and layoffs increase).
November 25th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
HEDGEmony said
“That’s the beauty of being a financier…We…could demolish any of those neckbeard math majors in computing cash flows…”
Computing cash flows? You mean using an excel template to perform basic arithmetic? How impressive!