Random Reader Reaction

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Dear Lucy,

I just wanted to write to let tell you that I’ve fallen for you. And I was hoping (fingers crossed!), if by some chance you’re not busy (I know it’s a long shot with someone like you), I might be able to take you out for a drink. I’ll fly over there immediately if this is possible. We could have a snakebite or a pimms cup or something!

You don’t know me, but I’m a 24 year old Banker in the United States, and I fell in love with you the first time I was forwarded an email about your party at The Ritz. I know you’re a big time hotshot famous person now in the newspapers and all, but I just had to write. I was, frankly, overwhelmed by your prose. I feel like we are connected spiritually. We are like the same person!

Let me elaborate:

• 1. I had a party very similar to yours a few years back, except it was at a little place called “The Village Idiot.” Definitely the same vibe though. I was, like you, generous enough to indulge my friends. And they also had a script, when they were asked “What the fuck do you want, dude?” they were to reply, “I am here for the $5 pitchers!”
• 2. I don’t have a PA, but I do have an unemployed “artist” roommate that takes my calls. Coincidentally, his name is also Ms. Gill.
• 3. Your friend list is extremely ethnically diverse. My group of friends is also very diverse.

  Your list has “Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Dmitry, Nikolay, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Marcelo, Ulyana, JingJing, Uli, Yogi, and Garzi.”

  Similarly, mine had “Hugh, Dan, Michelle, Kristen, Brandon, Francie, Josh, Kim, Shane, Ted, Ryan, and Sandy.” Both our groups are so eclectic, I’m just positive they’d get along. Did you guys, by any chance, play quarters over there at the Ritz?

One point we might butt heads on is that I am actually kind of a jeans, flip flops, and polo kinda guy. My flip flips do have a little flag of Brazil on them though. Does that help?

To be honest, I’m actually usually not that into Oriental girls, but there’s something about you that’s very Zhang Ziyi—your smile, your plate-like face, your surgically created eyelids. You might be the hottest Chinese chick alive. Forgive me for being crass, I just can’t stop thinking about what I would do to you on that daybed, and the possibilities for that toddler’s chair (perspective? I hope not.) in the background are endless.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard enough about the topic by now, but I made a pact with myself a few weeks ago after letting Samaire Armstrong walk right by me at the W bar that when it came to these celebrity crushes, I would always at least try.

Cheers (I know you like that shit),

Logan